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Chelonia is overwhelmed and needing advice and hugs
June 20, 2007
2:37 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Chelonia, Hope you're doing okay, just checking in. Love, TW

June 21, 2007
9:34 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi MJ, TW and everyone else,

Thanks for the continued hugs and support.

Just stopping in really quick to let everyone know I am OK, just my computer is down until this weekend at the earliest.

Can't stay on the work computer too long, and it is monitored- so just thought I would stop in real quick because it will be a while before I can get on again.

June 21, 2007
10:14 am
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I'm sorry you felt so unappreciated Chelonia. I am amazed at how insensitive and ungreatful your friends are for all you have done while they have been gone. I can't think of very many people - if any - who would have offered to take on those responsibilities.

Hang in there and hold your head high. You have a been a good friend to help them like this and you deserve much better treatment than this!

Hugs (((Chelonia)))
Love, TS

June 21, 2007
10:41 am
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Ty for letting us know, Chelonia. Take care, okay. Love, TW

June 22, 2007
6:56 pm
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chelonia mydas
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TS, TW,

Thanks for stopping in. I've gotten my internet back 🙂 The service guy never came out- it just started workign again on its own. Weird, but I'm grateful to have it back.

I took the day off from work to try to get stuff done and haven't done anything. I am so disappointed with myself- but it is only 6pm, so I still have a few hours to wash etc.

I told my grandparents about my divorce today. I had decided that it would be better for them to hear it from me than someone else. And the way my family gossips and is ugly- one of my cousins would say something if I did something they didn't like. Since I don't play their games, that is a frequent occurance. They were sad but OK with the info. The really liked my husband and can't beleive that he left me like that- but they were supportive.

Yesterday was my wedding annaversary- would have been 11 years- but the divorce papers were signed by the judge just the day before...

I'm still waiting to actually get them so I can continue with changing my name and getting all the titles to everything etc. but maybe next week.

My birthday is on the 29th. I'm thinking of going to the beach- but not really sure if I want to take anyone with me or not. I really want to just be alone right now. Maybe I am getting depressed or maybe just needing time to think- not sure. I'll see if I continue to not get stuff done to see if it is depression or just still feeling so overwhelmed and stressed from the additional petcare.

I did go out with one of my friends who went to Costa Rica night before last- she talked about how much work all the pets were since they were sick (and 4 of the sick ones that I had to care for have since healed). She was much more appreciative of what I have done for them than they were when they first returned.

I'm feeling very chatty right now, just feeling very weird today- like I want to be alone, but have company too. I'm sure it will pass, but not quite sure what to think of it.

Thanks for your conitnued support. I really appreciate it.

Hugs,
Chelonia

June 22, 2007
7:19 pm
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(((Chelonia))))

I'm very sorry sweetie about what happened to you, even tho I have never experienced divorce since I was never married b4.

When I studied at college, our teacher told us that one of the biggest stressors in life is divorce!!!

You sound like a kind, decent, and big-hearted lady who loves pets too, and that sounds very much like me. I have met you and read some of your threads, but sadly, rarely responded to you.

It is my great pleasure to respond to you, give you hugs, kisses, prayers and all your heart's desire.

I know all about false friends. No wonder I don't have so many friends. It is really hard to find true friends when you're a genuine person.

I will keep you in my prayers hon!!!
If you need to talk, post a thread with my name in the title. I will be around!!!

(((Warm Hugs)))

June 22, 2007
10:14 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Sending Love and Hugs to you, Chelonia. I hope you enjoy your birthday regardless of what you decide to do on your day, okay.

June 23, 2007
8:48 am
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{{{{Chelonia}}}} Thinking and praying for you today sweetheart. Please check in today to just tell us how you're doing and feeling!

We'll make a party here on the 29th of June to celebrate you Birthday. xoxoxo

June 23, 2007
8:59 am
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((((Chelonia))))

June 24, 2007
6:38 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Ras, TW and Lolli,

Thanks for the hugs and support.

I just got my internet working again. Turns out there was bad wiring in my house that was causing it to come and go as the wires heated and cooled... so it is all rewired now and I shouldn't have any more troubles (I hope)

I'm feeling OK today. I have a big week at work this coming week to prepare for... been laying around the house this weekend. Started playing the computer game Civilization again... which I get addicted to easily when I don't want to deal with things... but I am trying my best to limit my time on it.

I did get a few things accomplished this weekend and am starting to plan out how I want my house to look when I am done unpacking. I have lived her for three years and am just now unpacking- or at least thinking about unpacking.

I'm going to try set smaller goals for myself so I can accomplish them and not set myself up for failure... at least that is the skill I am working on this week.

I feel like such a baby- taking such baby steps, but everytime I try to take a giant step, i fall on my face... so baby steps will at least get me to where I want to be...

So baby step one- set my mind to finish one thing at a time and make it something that is completable in a few hours.

Todays goal... fix the computer- which I did yeah!

Tomorrow's goal (which I have already started working on) to wash and put away all my clothes.

Thanks for continuing to help me through this.

Chelonia

June 24, 2007
7:31 pm
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Glad to hear you're doing okay, Chelonia. I, too, find that just starting somewhere with things even if it seems like a small step really helps to get things done. I know a lot of us have to learn not to feel it has to be perfect or it all has to be completed in a limited time frame. I found if I thought that way I kept putting things off for a better time. So, now I start out smaller and it works. 🙂

June 25, 2007
12:47 am
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Hi Chelonia,

It's good your friend is starting to come around, but I wish you got more appreciation from the start. That friend doesn't know how lucky she is just to know someone like you. I wish I knew such people! But you are a rare gem. Don't think you deserve to be treated like anything less than that.

It makes me angry to read all that. I hope these people don't truly take you for granted. It makes me angry not just because I think you don't deserve it, but also because I wish I had a friend as precious as you and I would not take that friendship for granted. Yet I don't, and people who do have people who are kind to them all too frequently overlook what treasures they are. I'm not trying to make this about me, just showing you that other people would realize that you deserved more respect than you got. I hope in time your friend continues to come around. It sounds like maybe she was preoccupied... but it still must have hurt.

No way are you a crybaby. You have a lot on your plate right now. You're a trooper.

no great wisdom, but hugs to you,

ella

June 25, 2007
3:52 pm
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Chelonia~

Thanks for checking in and letting us know that you're OK & even got some hurdles fixed!!!

I get so overwhelemed when I've got so many hurdles and many things break down. My mind cannot handle to many challenges at the same time.

Please hon...don't be hard and harsh on yourself. Yes, baby steps will do the trick and make you achieve your goals those small ones, as well as big ones.

Glad you got your PC fixed. This is great news!!!

We are with you all along your journey and will continue to cheer you on!!! Please don't give up. Life is beautiful and is still filled with lovely folks!!!

June 26, 2007
7:24 am
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chelonia mydas
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TW, Ella, Ras,

Thanks for continueing to post and be there for me. I really appreciate it. (Ella, don't worry about posting about you on this thread. You are important too and I would love to share this thread with you too. Everyone is welcome here- you all are my dear friends. This is where I post for support, but I gladly share this space)

I have to get going to work but really needed to try to get into a better frame of mind. REading your encouragement this morning really helps. It is very helpful to have people out there that still care even after they see the skeletons in your closet.

I am trying to get a more positive attitude as I have to deal with the person who made false claims about my friendship with my male supervisor to the regional supervisor. (she said my success was because I am sleeping with him! not because I am able to do my job) I so just want to scream at her- but won't. Instead I will probablly be overly sweet and as much as I try I hope the sarcasim stays at bay. I know she is just a jelous, self centered person who is really hurting inside and is just destroying everything around her. She is very codependant, martyr type, who wants all of the attention, takes on everyone else's work and then nails them for it. I know where she is in life- I've been there myself. She is in a self-destructive spiral. I just wish she didn't feel the need to take me out too. But its because as the PR coordinator, I get the media attention that she so desperatly craves. I would gladly give it to her, if she didn't screw up numerous times when interviewed- then disregard my help when I try to correct the mistake and prevent it from happening in the future...

but it will be fine- just stressing and tired and knowing that I am weak today and needing to really really watch how I handle things. This is the first time I have had to deal with her face to face, since the investigation into my friendship/ relationship with my supervisor. We were told we shouldn't be friends and since then he has backed away alot. Which sucks because I need friends right now- not to mention just the fact that we walked together, so I also got some much needed excercise. Since we aren't allowed to do that anymore at the park, I haven't found anyone else to go with me. It really isn't safe to do alone, at least not without going all the way home to get a dog and go all the way back.

Although one good thing is that all this cool equiptment I bought for the parks arrived just in time for this meeting. So when I get there I will be passing out stuff- which is always a postive thing. Everyone likes getting new stuff, so I plan to try to focus on that. Hopefully that will deflect any potential issues that might arise.

One of my precious cockatiels has a severe head injury and I am so worried about her. I woke up yesterday and she couldn't stay on her perch without falling off. I think one of the other birds accidently pushed her off a perch in the night and she hit her head on a lower perch. Its just a freak accident- but so sad. I called in sick yesterday AM and took her to the vet.

He gave her meds and said that she might be OK if it is just brain swelling- but if it is brain bleeding the best I can do is make her comfortable and pray that she pulls through. But she is holding her own right now and the symptoms haven't gotten worse and maybe even are a little better. If her brain is bleeding it is a slow bleed, so she has a fairly good chance for recovery- if she makes it.

I am a mess over this and barely slept because I had to keep checking on her through the night. Although yesterday I did call a friend of mine (one of the Coffee Ladies) who is an occupational therapist who worked with head injuries for years. She was very positive about the whole tradgey. Admited that the next few days were critical and that she might not make it. She promised to help me with her recovery and help me figure out any supportive care she would need to regain as much of her previous life back.

So just another thing to add- but please keep my poor bird in your prayers/ send healing thoughts her way.

To end on something positive... One of my friends got me new walking shoes for my birthday. They are super comfy and it has one of my favorite colors in it. My feet feel good at the end of the day- which is a very nice thing. I never realized how much my sandals I always wear had worn down and weren't as cushiony as they once were, until I got these.

OK- gotta go continue to care for the pets before heading off to work. I hope I see the baby ducks at work today. They should be just about at that ackward stage of molting their yellow fluff and sprouting semiadult feathers. All creatures have that ackward inbetween stage. I can relate to that stage so well right now...

Thanks everyone for being there.
Hugs,
Chelonia

June 26, 2007
11:32 pm
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Chelonia-

Please keep us updated on your bird's condition. The poor thing.

New stuff is fun! I was dreading work today but got a new box of toys that are adorable! They are gifts to give out and I love to do that and see the happy faces. I gave one to a tiny baby and she was fascinated with it. It cheered me up.

Good shoes can make you feel better all day. I have bad feet so I have a hard time. Have you ever tried Crocs? I have heard great things, but I don't know if it's just because they are a big fad here or not. I am cynical about wearing anything that looks like plastic on my feet. I used to have Birkenstocks, but they fell apart. Can you recommend comfy shoes?

Baby ducks! Well, awkward or not- what more can be said about them- adorable.

Enjoy the good things,
ella

June 27, 2007
7:49 am
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Good Morning,

Ella, thanks for your continued support. I am glad to hear about the toys at your work. I agree it is so much fun to see kids faces light up when they enjoy something. I'm so glad to read that you had a bit of joy in your day too.

Yesterday went better than I expected at work. Although the gal I have issues with was especially annoying, I am proud to say that I held it together and got through it without causing trouble.

My bird is still the same- I might take her back to the vet for another check up...

I have a pair of the Walmart version of the crocs and they are comfy- great for cleaning cages and working in the garden becuase they repel water- but they are not very attractive- at least in my opinion. They do look like hunks of plastic on your feet- but they are very functional.

I spent too much time on the coffeehouse thread this AM- so I have to get going to finish up with petcare before heading off to work.

Today I am working with a bunch of middle school kids to fix up and paint a bird blind- it should be great fun.

After that I have to go pick up the final divorce decree with the judges signature and start to process all that paperwork through the system- especially having to change my name back... but life is sometimes just about process and waiting in lines... at least it will give me time to think and perhaps read a good book.

June 27, 2007
1:25 pm
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((((Chelonia))))

June 28, 2007
11:55 pm
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Hey Chelona-

Changing the name back? Cool. Good for you. Why everyone doesn't do that when they get divorced, I do not know.

hugs and get wells to your bird. (if you can hug a bird. gently I guess... I keep thinking of Lenny from Of Mice and Men.) She might be just groggy and have a tiny bird "bump." Not that I know anything. It is part of our family history that my sister was playing soccer in the backyard and the dog was chasing the ball and she missed and kicked him in the head. The poor little thing was knocked unconscious for a bit. Then kept walking sideways. But he was fine a little while later. I'm sure if he could talk though, he would have said "Give me an advil and keep that crazy kid away from me!" I hope your bird is okay too.

-ella

June 29, 2007
11:26 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Thanks TW and Ella for your continued support.

My bird is getting a little bit better- but still not able to walk straight. But she is perching for longer periods of time and is learning to compensate for her lack of balance/head injury. It looks like it will be a long recovery that she may never fully get over.

I got my name changed in a few places today... so much waiting in line. Then there is a typo in the decree so I can't change my car title or registration... they listed the car as the wrong year and didn't include in the VIN number- so they are suspicious that I am trying to switch vehicles. So now it will be a while becuase they will have to take it back to court and get it ammended.

I also bought some garden tools and trimmed up some of the trees in the yard this evening under the full moon. It was so nice. I think I might go back out and just sit in the back of the pick up and look at the stars. It such a nice evening.

My birthday has been OK... its so nice to not have to argue on my birthday. It also seemed appropriate to get my name changed today- kind of a rebirthday.

My friend from work (also my supervisor) took me out to eat for dinner. It was so nice to do stuff with him again. We were such buddies before the investigation at work- I thought I had lost him as a friend, but I guess since they found that it was just gossip with no basis in reality, he decided it would be OK. Afterall many of the employees that were interviewed said that we were too obvious with our friendship for it to be anything more. He also didn't want me to feel so alone on my birthday. My other friend (the one I pet sat for) didn't feel like taking a shower today- so decided that she didn't want to go out to do something. I didn't tell any of the Coffee Ladies that it was my birthday because then they would want to do something for me and get gifts... and too many of them are financially not able to affort it- so I decided to just keep it to myself.

Overall I had a good day. I have big plans for tomorrow... After some reflection and thought I have decided that I am stuck in a hole and I need to change things to get out. I have had it in my mind that I need to clean my house before I can reorganize everything. Some days I feel like I even need to paint all the walls before I move stuff around... I have decided that since it hasn't happened up until now, it probably won't. I think that much of the house looks the exact same as it did when my ex lived here... so I am going to move everything around tomorrow. I am not going to worry about cleaning it, organizing it or anything. I am just going to change it. I plan to move the birds to the computer room, the dog crates to the bed room, move around book shelves, beds, tables, etc. I am hoping that the change will help to motivate me to reorganize and clean- in that order.

Yes cleaning first seems the logical step, but it isn't happening, so I will try it backwards and see how it goes. Something has to give because I am so stuck right now. I also am getting frustrated with babysteps- so moving furnature will be a big thing that will hopefully help me accept the other babysteps that I need to continue to take to keep on my journey.

OK- tonight my last goal for the evening is to complete the loan paperwork to try to refinance my home... not going to do much good to get organized if I can't keep the house anyway...

Thanks to everyone for being here and caring. Just being able to post here has helped me get through this. Your posts and support and acceptance of me warts and all helps me learn to accept myself- probably one of the biggest challenges of my life. Thank you for everything.

June 29, 2007
11:40 pm
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Chelonia-

Hello, I'm glad you had a good day. Happy re-Birthday.

Maybe baby steps are all anyone can ever take. We just don't notice other people's babysteps since we are so busy living our own lives. It kind of reminds me of a conversation I had with a coworker who is pregnant and now huge with baby. She is tiny so it seems like yesterday that she had no belly. I'm SURE it doesn't seem like that to her. I'm sure she felt it every step of the way. Like when people we know have babies, we were saying, be barely realize they are pregnant and all of a sudden their kids are toddlers. That's because we aren't the ones there day by day watching the growth. So the reverse is true. To us, our own personal life changes and accomplishments are like watching the grass grow (but with effort). They take such time and energy it can be painstaking. Doesn't mean it's not happening.

Meanwhile, it's hard to apply that to oneself. I know I'm doing better. But hindsight always makes the past seem easier than it was so the picture is distorted.

I know you want to have things happen faster. Don't you wish sometimes for a time machine? I do too... but there are other ways to pass the time... you are great at being productive and doing good things with your life- so at least you don't have to learn that!

Have a good night.

ciao-
ella

June 30, 2007
12:59 am
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Happy Birthday, Chelonia. Sorry I missed it earlier. Love, TW

June 30, 2007
2:21 pm
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Ella and TW-

Thanks for the b-day wishes. Its nice to know that you care and continue to be there for me.

Ella, thats is an interesting point about everyone taking babysteps but others not noticing because they are into their own babysteps. Something to ponder on for sure.

Today started out productive... got the lawn mowed and about half of the trees trimmed with the hand pruners. I will wait until a friend can come over for a bit before I take out the chain saw- I don't like to use it unless I have someone around in case something happens. Just overly safe.

I'm going to go try to get motivated to continue to move furniture etc. and get off the computer for a while.

Hugs,
Chelonia

June 30, 2007
8:00 pm
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chelonia-

Someone taught me the whole babysteps thing. Maybe more than one person. I wish I would keep it in mind ALL the time.

Aren't productive days great? I had one too and it really lifted my spirits. There's something to be said for the cliche of "keeping busy." Once you get past the inertia, it really helps.

love,
e

June 30, 2007
9:08 pm
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Looks like we were all keeping busy today. I have been, too, and I agree it helps. Love, TW

July 1, 2007
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Glad to see so many of us having a good day. I love it when that happens.

My ex called several times today and left a voice mail to call him... I really don't want to, not sure if I should. In the last two messages he said he is worried about me because he hasn't heard from me...

I think I will just send him an e-mail instead.

His mom send me a birthday card with $50 in it. It was a happy-birthday-to-my-daughter-in-law card. Not sure what to do with that either. When I talked to my ex mother in law on her birthday a few weeks ago she was very cold and distant. I never had a chance to share what happened between her son and I. She was like my mother to me for the past 15 years... even if I just share it so I know I gave her my side. I don't expect her to beleive anything I say, or to change her opinion- but at least I will have said my piece.

I started working on e-mails to both of them, and I think it will take me a bit to get down what I want to say to each. Perhaps I will just send her a quick thanks, and him a quick response that he no longer needs to worry about me.

I did check his e-mail... I know very stupid thing to do. He is gone and I need to move on... but I did. He left the marriage claiming to be poor and not able to give me anything- claiming that we spent all of my large inheritance from my father- that he was quiting his $50,000 a year job to go to grad school and now had no money so couldn't even pay me the money I was due as part of the divorce settlement... so I was nice and let him pay 1/2 up front and the rest in monthly payments to start in 2 years when he gets out of grad school. But then he goes and rents a swanky apartment for $1300 a month (which is more than my house payment for a 1400 sqft home on 2 acres) - buys a new motorcycle- new apple powerbook laptop and apple iphone and on top of all of this "poverty" he pays for a vacation to vegas for him and his girlfriend.

So as much as I am trying to move beyond this... it is still a struggle. Some days is it easier than others. Today it is tough probably because of the many calls I have had to ignore from him.

My head injured bird is showing some progress today. I'm skeptical that she will ever fully recover, but at least she is learning to live with her injuries.

I also got the cat room fixed up with all their new furnature. They really like it and it felt so good to be making positive big changes in the house.

I also went out with the coffeeladies today. After much discussion, they decided that I am depressed and have planned to come help me get my house cleaned so I can feel better about getting it organized. I am sooo incredibly lucky to have this group of supportive women.

Even with all of my troubles, I really love my life and really appreciate all the people who are in it that make a positive difference to the world. It is sad that there is so much focus on all the bad aspects of life- yes they are hard to deal with and it is a struggle. Yes we need to identify it so we can work through it and move past it. But there are also lots of good too- it is just hard to see it all when society puts the spotlight on anything negative giving it all the energy it needs to grow and multiply then turns out the light on anything postive leaving it to wither away in the darkness. I think I am going to start a new thread with the idea of looking at the postive of life.

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