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Chelonia is overwhelmed and needing advice and hugs
May 12, 2007
1:24 am
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chelonia mydas
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He just called and left another message- this time he is in tears. Why do I still feel bad for him? I don't want him to hurt this much. I am so silly- I know he is hurting me on purpose and yet I still feel for him.

I just got an e-mail from my Aunt that my grandpa is in the hospital again. They think he will be out again in a few days. They just need to remove fluid on his lungs from heart failure. He is 95 and just planted his gardens and still lives on the farm with my Grandma. I hope he is able to harvest his vegetables this fall.

I am glad I made the extra trip to go see them this week while I was up North. They looked good considering everything, but they both have told me for a few years now that they are ready to die. I pray that they both pass on the same night in their sleep. They have been married for 73 years and I think they are both living so the other doesn't have to be alone.

May 12, 2007
2:14 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

I don't know why we still feel bad for them. Guess it's the female side of us. That or we just don't learn as quickly or are not as cold hearted.

How ya doin on your searches? Have another for you.

zabasearch.com type in his first name and last and choose state. Now if he has cell or unlisted phone you'll not get much, maybe a listing w/ his name and bday. If so then click that. Click more information. On this next screen scroll to the bottom and click site map.

under information services click people search. his name should come up. click search. next screen will show you where he has lived in all states (they do miss something once in awhile tho) and also will show you some relative names. (I have seen wrong names in before too, just fyi). Click view details. Notice in the full background report it will show you how many addresses he has had in each city and state. If you are lookin for hidden property then click here. Also, run his mom's name.

That's it for tonight.

May 14, 2007
2:10 am
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chelonia mydas
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Thanks Mama for the extra info,

I found him listed only on the properties that we have held jointly. I did find an extra property in CA under his Mother's name.

I will be calling the lawyer first thing in the morning. He has left 5 voice mails this weekend. At times he demanded that I call him immediately or things will get ugly... (yeah big deal, they've been ugly for a while). Then he was more stoic and said that was fine if I wanted the lawyers involved, to have my people call his people. The last message said that he wants to meet with me and my lawyer tomorrow, without his lawyer.
Not sure what is up with all of that, but really don't have time to worry about it.

I also looked online at some of the houses up for sale in this area and am now more comfortable with the possibility of loosing this house. I think that is something that before this weekend he could hold over me. At this moment I have accepted that I will be OK with whatever happens. I will find another house that is a little smaller in another part of town where the housing isn't as expensive if I have to, but I will be OK. I will keep the pets and get through whatever life throws at me.

Thanks to everyone for your support

May 14, 2007
2:30 am
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chelonia mydas
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I talked to my foster mom yesterday to try to get the emotional crap in my head from my visit with my family straightened out. She had very encouraging things to say (like always). She noted that I have changed more in the past year than in the previous 10. Its not that my family has changed, but more that I have so I am less tolerant of all the crap.

The wedding shower for my sister was a disaster in my view- but everyone else seemed to be having a good time. The shower started at 2pm, the margaritas started at 10am. My sister's future Mother in Law was bragging to everyone about my sis being a former stripper and how she is the sexiest wife he has had so far. She will be his 4th wife. The pinata was full of sex toys, lotions and candy in the shape of various genetalia. And this was an event with the future in-laws, other sis's current in-laws, grandparents, neighboors, co-workers for both sisters, friends etc. I was so embarrassed for everyone. Some were obviously uncomfortable and they left early. I stayed because I was a designated driver (and was the only driver who didn't drink... so ended up making arrangements for everyone to crash at my sister's in-laws place until they could drive- which was walking distance from the clubhouse they rented.) I just can't beleive that they act this way.

I also can't beleive that I used to accept this type of thing as normal. But then I also realized while talking to my foster mom that my whole outlook on society has changed. Back then I hated people and wanted to go as far into the woods as possible and never see people again. If this is what I dealt with all the time I can see why. Now I love people and see all the great things they are capable of. I love my job working with people and nature.

I'm not sure if I want to continue to associate with my family or not. I think I will still contact them from time to time because of my nephew... but I really don't want to have anything to do with them.

I am really bothered by what they are doing, and I am trying to keep in mind that they are adults and don't care what I think or wish. But I still feel so responsible for everything. I think that for the rest of the month I will concentrate on my divorce and try my best to banish all other issues to the back of my brain. I just can't keep up with all of these issues.

May 18, 2007
11:28 pm
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chelonia mydas
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I think the Universe is either trying to make me stronger or break me completely...

I talked to my stbx 2 nights ago and he was actually very calm. Twisted everything I said so it felt like I was at fault and hurting him. Made me feel that I am to blame for his affair and the divorce because I didn't meet his needs. Logically I know he isn't right, but it still hurts so much. He demanded that I meet with just him and I to discuss the divorce. I refused told him to go through the lawyers. He then gave my lawyer documents showing the he doesn't have the money. He also had "tracked" how we spend all of my inheritance. Since he took the documentation that stated otherwise and much of it is over 10 years old- my lawyer says that we can fight this, but I will have to pay him more.

I am getting the feeling that my lawyer wants this to become a contested divorce so he gets paid more.

I am really thinking of just taking what I can now, and cutting my losses. Yes I would suck out financially, but I'm not sure the money is worth the stress and continued contact with stbx. The two friends I have told this to have said that I am giving up too easily and I need to fight him, that I will regret it later. But I am so afraid that I will end up with less than what I have now by the time I pay the lawyer and I don't think I have a good chance of recovering much of that money. I will be hurting for money if he doesn't give me what I have asked for- and he is taking advantage of me by not giving it to me, but I think it would be easier to struggle for a while financially then to have to stress out over dealing with him and all the legal crap. I am having anxiety attacks just thinking about it. I have cold sores all over my mouth from all of the stress. I feel like I am going crazy and I just want it to stop.

Please post words of encouragement, advice, your opinion/perspective of this.

May 19, 2007
12:02 am
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chelonia mydas
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In addition to the divorce, my mother calls me at work to tell me that they are testing her for bladder cancer. Just when I almost get her out of my head for the moment so I can deal with the divorce, she has to tell me this. She has decided to ask the doctors to not give her the test results until after my sister's wedding in June. So why does she need to tell me now? So again I am trying to push her out of my head.

Also got an e-mail from my Aunt that my Grandpa is not doing well. He has been in the hospital for over a week now and looks like he is headed downhill. Didn't even want to go outside in the sunshine- which is not like him at all.

So more that I try not to worry about, but I just can't. I feel so overwhelmed with all of this right now.

I used to handle more than this when I worked myself into oblivion. I am feeling so drawn back to that, but am trying to fight it. I know it isn't good for me, but to not hurts so much.

May 19, 2007
12:17 am
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Chelonia:

I'm sorry. It can be so overwhelming. Sit down and have a cup of tea w/ me. Let's work on some deep breathing. Tell me a bit about our critters.

May 19, 2007
12:38 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Mama,

Thanks for posting. How are you doing?

I need to go to bed soon... I have a big day ahead coordinating 2 separate but simultanous Eagle Scout projects at one of the wildlife refuges I work at.

As for the critters, even that love of mine feels like too much right now. I am petsitting for the next month (till June 13th) for two friends (both who do pet rescue too) while they go on a long vacation. So I am now responsible for a total of 24 dogs, 31 cats, 12 birds, 6 donkeys, 8 horses, 5 turtles, a gecko and a fish. Although the donkeys and horses are mostly cared for by the barn guys- I just have to check on them; all the others are under my care. I agreed to this 3 months ago and now wish I hadn't, but I will get through somehow.

On the plus side, one of them has a pool that I can use whenever I want. Two of her dogs swim with me, which is lots of fun.

I did have a coworker ask me to care for her 50+ birds (she breeds finches and budgies) and I turned her down because it was just too much- which is a step in the right direction for me. I usually don't turn down petsitting jobs, but this time I did. So I am getting better about it.

May 19, 2007
1:10 am
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Chelonia-

Hello. I wrote you a really long post before I realized I wasn't seeing the beginning of this thread. Then I read it. I'm so sorry that your mom is so disturbed and abusive to you. Your past with her sounds like hell, how did she get away with that? You sound like you were attempting to give her your ear, but even if you do decide to reconcile with her- the unspeakable types of acts she committed and the things she was taking about don't deserve that kind of tolerance. Her behavior was inappropriate and twisted to put it mildly. Since you are a kind person, she was doing what your husband did, and playing on your kindness.

She told you all those horrible things and kicked up the nightmares of your past and tried to elicit sympathy about her illness? Or am I confused? Is it your foster mom that is being tested? I'm asking b/c my mom has it too. It can be detected early on and kept in remission with treatment and periodic testing.

Chelonia, I'm so sorry about your divorce. I simply have no life experience in that arena, but I hope whatever you decide to do about the proceeding leaves you with the most peace of mind possible. You deserve it.

Surround yourself with the love of your animals, and continue to love and care for them the way you do. It can be recouperative in a way.

I wish I could help more,
hugs,
ella

May 19, 2007
7:00 am
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bonni
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(((Chelonia)))

May 19, 2007
8:08 am
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chelonia mydas
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Ella and Bonni- thanks for the hugs.

Ella,
My mother said all those horrible things in an attempt to win my friendship- it was our mother/daughter bonding time. She thinks bashing my dad etc would make me realize that she is just a victim and isn't responsible for what she did to me. Really when I look at her life, she has been treated horribly and has just continued to perpetuate this cycle of abuse, but I still hold her accountable for her choices. Yes she is the one that is being tested for cancer.

I am sorry that you mom has it, but am encouraged that it is controlable. I haven't researched it because I am trying to look at what I can change and what I can't. That is something that is a low priority now. I feel guilty for saying that about my own mother, but I really have a hard time feeling bad for her. Too much anger and unresolved emotions gets in the way.

Well, I gotta go work with the scouts. It should be a really good day. The weather is predicted to stay below 95- which is good because we will be painting, installing signs and working on the trails. My job is one of my favorite parts of my life now.

May 19, 2007
1:38 pm
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Horses! You lucky devil! I had horses growing up and man they are so theraputic!!! Just standing there alone brushing a horse is relaxing. Then you saddle up and go for a nice relaxing ride. It will clear your mind, I promise. Take advantage of it. I know animals are a ton of work. I had horses, dogs, cats, chickens, and rabbits growing up. We boarded my show horse at a stable but I had a pony we kept in my backyard. We had about an acre.

Anyways, it's normal to feel guilty. We were just discussing guilt at my DV support meeting last week. It's normal for us to feel this way. They make us feel this way. It will pass. Good luck with your divorce, it's not an easy time for anyone. Hang in there.

AQueen

May 19, 2007
7:22 pm
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Chelonia-

Yes, I got that impression from your earlier post- that your mother was trying to bond with you- but she was out of line. And you don't owe her your sympathy, and I don't think that's so awful. You need to detach from people that are abusive, not become enmeshed in their difficulties- no matter how tragic. You need to to detach for the sake of self preservation. And I don't mean to say it like it's some easy task because I suck at that myself. I won't go into my issues here, but suffice it to say there are relationships in my life I haven't even begun to deal with properly. You have a clearer perspective at least. You seem to know what you need, and sometimes that is a huge head start.

Your job sounded amazing from what I can remember. 95 degrees huh? Is it getting up there already where you are? Enjoy nature and the company of the scouts. I hope they are a good bunch to be around to distract you from what's weighing on your mind.

peace,
ella

May 19, 2007
8:30 pm
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((Chelonia)) You seem to have so much going for you, your seem to have it all in perspective in spite of everything caving in on you at once. Stick to what feels right for you, stick to your foster mom who seems to want to listen to and encourage you.

May 20, 2007
11:31 am
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chelonia mydas
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AQueen, Ella and Tiger Trainer,

Thanks for your support and advice.

I had a nice time with the scouts. The projects worked out OK. There were some mishaps that I will have to answer for when the manager returns- but too bad, he needs to understand that teenage boys are not going to do a perfect job... the only problem is that the signs were installed with cement- so if he wants to fix them, it will be a huge chore. Oh well, one more thing to stress over.

But overall the weather was beautiful- overcast and in the mid 80s, a little humid- but not bad. All the boys worked hard and had a great time. One group even got to see the troop of javalinas (medium sized omnivous mammals that look a bit like pigs) with the young baby. I had a nice time working with all of them.

But at the end of the day I had to take a dog to the shelter. She was very sweet but had mange. We had a wedding in the park and they were worried that the dog would ruin the wedding and give the guests scabies.

She was someone's former yard dog that they just dumped at the park recently- she still had sores from where her collar rubbed her neck raw. She had probably been hit by a car with a broken back leg and huge bump on her head. It breaks my heart to have to do this. It was even harder when my co-workers are begging me not to because they kill dogs at the humane society... but yet don't want to do anything to help me help her. I can't take her. I have too many as it is.

One of my pet peeves is when someone won't help save an animal- yet they condemn me for making the toughest decision for that animal. There are too many strays, you can't save them all and there are worse things than euthanasia. This dog had already seen a lot of it and was not going to recover from her injuries without medical attention. Since no one was willing to take her in, the only humane option was the humane society.

To end on a better note... the groove billed anis (one of my favorite birds) look like they are thinking about building a nest this year near my office building. They are group nesters and last year I really enjoyed watching them raise their babies. They are just so cute and have the neatest song- sounds like a musical drop of water.

Here is a link to photo, info and sound of the groove billed ani
http://www.worldbirdingcenter......_ani.phtml

May 20, 2007
1:28 pm
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Chelonia,

I am not doing well with offering advice right now, but I am good for offering hugs. Take care of you hon.

(((Chelonia)))

Love, Mich

May 20, 2007
4:08 pm
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Chelonia,

That is one beautiful bird! Thanks for the link.

-ella

May 20, 2007
10:04 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Mich and Ella,

Thanks for your continued support.

I went out with some friends today- we have formed a informal support group over the past few months. Many of them have been divorced (or dissolved long term relationships, for the lesbian who would have been married if she could have been) and they pointed out that I didn't want to fight because I was overwhelmed and afraid and still very attached to my stbx. They made a convincing argument for me to trust my lawyer and let him do his job. That it was no longer my place or responsibility to take care of my stbx.

I logically understand all of this, but feeling it is something different entirely.

I'll post more later... today I am introducing Zhaan, my new dove, to the other birds in the aviary. It went well with Opus the pigeon; but Sunshine the chicken attacked her- so I am have to be a peacemaker amongst the featherkids today. I may have to build a new cage for Sunshine... but hopefully they will get along soon.

May 22, 2007
10:31 pm
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chelonia mydas
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I took the day off from work yesterday. I just couldn't get out of bed, felt like the world was crashing down on me. I finally got up to take care of the pets by about 10am.

Then called the lawyer and talked to him about my options. He is going to sipoena some documents and request a full disclosure from my stbx- then we will talk about the next course of action.

My mother in law arrived today from another state. She is here to help my stbx pack so he can move back to her state to go to grad school. I haven't had any contact with them, and I hope it stays that way.

My best friend is leaving on Thursday to go out of the country for 3 weeks. I am caring for her and her mother's pets- two of which were diagnosed with heartworms today and start their treatments tomorrow (so I will have a ton of work to do just to care for those two dogs). Then another dog is recovering from a dog fight and has drainage tubes and massive open wounds that need to be cared for several times a day... not to mention all the meds that go with along with the above medical conditions. But at least I am a former vet tech, so I am comfortable handling all of the above- it just adds so much more work and care. Now I will have to visit their homes 4-5 times a day, plus care for my pets and work a full time job. It is just too much!!!

Although on a positive note... another friend saw how much I am struggling with everything. She made an appointment to meet me at work today (she and I met because she sends students to me for service learning projects- we started doing stuff after work and are now good friends). It started out as work related, but then she stayed to help me finish up purchasing specialized equiptment one of her students, she and I had worked to get funding for. She was so enthusiatic, positive and full of energy. It took my downward spiral and spun me back up for a bit. I got the project back on track and almost completed. She made such a positive difference in my life today. It is amazing what can happen when someone is there to help you up when you are stuck in the mud.

I am still feeling like I am trying to swim in quicksand, but at least my work world improved by one more project today.

May 23, 2007
2:52 am
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Chelonia:

When you swim in quicksand you drown. Stand still; watch around you; take it all in and then when the time is right you act upon what you have observed.

You're doin great.

May 24, 2007
12:58 am
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Chelonia-

I'm glad that you have a supportive friend.

One thing, I don't know if your friends mentioned, at least your lawyer is not emotionally involved with your divorce. So if you like him, maybe you should let his experience work for you. Anyone without emotional involvement can see a little more clearly than we can about somethings. I hope your friends are right, I think they may be. Can't you always change your mind in the future if getting financial support from him is causing your too much strain? The reverse would be much less possible, me thinks.

be well,
ella

May 24, 2007
3:20 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Mama and Ella,

Thanks for the support.

You are right my lawyer isn't emotionally involved and he has over 20 years of experience dealing with such things. I am trying to leave it up to him, but I so much want things to stay nonconfrontational... but it just isn't happening.

I am overloaded with anxiety tonight and can't sleep in spite of being completely exhausted. The past few days I have been feeling chronic anxiety with panic attacks over the slightest thing.

My mother in law called me at work today and wanted to have lunch. I was dealing with the huge crisis of having my entire e-mail box deleted- with over 4 years of saved e-mails, much of which is documentation on a variety of things that prove the validity of my position. Our IT dept did it by mistake and they are trying to get them back, but they might not be able to.

So I told her I was dealing with a major work related issue and I couldn't talk at the moment. I think she is expecting a return call, as I didn't say yes or no.

I am considering going for ice cream or coffee or something quick with her. There are a lot of framed photos of my stbx that I still have that I don't want to throw out, but I don't want to pay to ship to him across the country either. So if I package it up, then I can get it out of my life and they can decide if they want them or not.

May 24, 2007
11:34 am
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mj
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Sending you love Chelonia.

May 24, 2007
9:26 pm
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chelonia mydas
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MJ- thanks for stopping by. I've missed seeing you in the coffeehouse. Good to see you around.

May 29, 2007
9:57 am
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chelonia mydas
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I have been too busy to post much. I'm finally getting all the pets into a routine and can get them cared for in about 2 hours for the morning and evening visits with two to three 1/2 hour visits just to change out who is in and out to minimize house soiling.

I meet with my stbx and both lawyers this afternoon to discuss a settlement. He wants this over with before he moves to another state on Thursday. I want to settle too because once he leaves he will be impossible to deal with. I am just worried that they are going to screw with me... but I have e-mails where his mom has told him that she has receipts for how we spent my inheritance. The items she is describing are things that we never got- so I know she is making it up (or using old receipts from her stuff). I so hate it when people do crap like this.

Anyway, I need to get to work.

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