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Chelonia is overwhelmed and needing advice and hugs
May 11, 2007
1:17 am
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chelonia mydas
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Good evening everyone,

I have been so overwhelmed with life that I haven't posted for a while. But I need support and feel like I am drowning in emotion and turmoil.

I need help on the following issues: divorce, visiting abusive family as an adult, dealing with past abuse and working through all the lies and issues surrounding it.

First and most immediate is my divorce.

I have been trying to work out issues with my husband for over a year now. He now has a new girlfriend and wants a divorce.

I orginally asked him to help me deal with issues of past abuse. His general response was "give me a date on when you will be fixed" or "just be happy, it happened so long ago and I have been so good to you since, why are you still upset about it?"

So he wasn't supportive and I moved on with my healing with an open invitation to join me but not expecting him to. Eventually asked him to move out, which he did. The intent was that we would have space from eachother and I could work through my issues without his constant demands for sex.
Then he started dating and I don't want him back.

Now the divorce is almost done and we are bickering over stuff and money. He is threatening to make this nasty if I don't kiss his rear. I am trying to stick to my guns, but am so tired... I don't care anymore, I just want him gone. I am so hurt that I don't have the will to fight to get the money I need to support myself and my pets (I know the pet support thing seems silly, but I have over 20 pets that we both rescued together and their expenses alone are $5,000- and I am currently living paycheck to paycheck for just the basics)

He has taken all of our joint money and 98% of my inheritance and either spent it or hidden it. It will take thousands of dollars to chase it down because he took all the financial documents with him and since he did the finaces I don't know many of the details.

I will have to refinance the house and may loose it too because the current house payment is over 50% of what my take home pay is. Without a house, I can't keep my pets. My pets have been my support my entire life. Without them I would have committed suicide a long time ago (not that I am sucidal again- far from it, just that they mean as much to me as a child or sibling and have been my salvation when everything else crumbled) I can't loose my pets!!!!!!!

So he got a memo from my lawyer requesting some of the hidden money. He calls me and is furious, yelling, screaming, stomping his feet like a 2 year old. Saying that he will ruin me if I don't give him the respect he deserves and honor his integrity (translation- kiss his rear and go along with everything he wants). So he has agreed to work with me if I meet him tomorrow to discuss this. I am a nervous wreck over this and other stuff. I don't want to meet with him, but don't want to make him mad and risk him fighting to take what little I have left. Anyone else been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

Now for another different item...

My parents had issues with substance abuse. My Dad died 11 years ago. I just got back from a trip to visit my mom, sisters and new nephew (sister's wedding shower and first time seeing my 9 mth old nephew).

My mom and I have never had a good relationship. To her I was a living abortion- something my father saved by marrying her because he didn't beleive in abortions and also needed a wife to cover up that he was gay so his KKK brother wouldn't kill him. She felt that I ruined her life and took every opportunity to be sure I knew it. It has been in just the past 5 years that she wants to now be my best friend because I have made something of myself and now likes to brag about my accomplishments to her friends. She also had gone through rehab several times and this last time seems to have improved her perpective on life, kinda (she did give my brother-in-law several Vicodin from her purse- so she still must be using- but she isn't as nasty as she once was)

I have kept contact with them because I still care for my sisters and have lots of issues about not being able to protect them from the abuse we all endured. My mom and 2 sisters (both younger) are totally enmeshed. When we went out to eat my middle sis ordered everyone's meal, even tried to order for me. When I ate out with just my mom, she couldn't decide what to eat and asked me to order for her. I think her brain might be fried.

So for the two and a half days I spent visiting them, my mom constantly talked about the past and updated me on people we knew (and some I didn't). Which sounds kinda good, but her reality is sooooooo warped. Her claims include: my dad molested boys from the neighboorhood, that an old family friend forced her into a lesbian relationship and that I was a slut who had a thing for older men. This last one really really affected me to the point where I got sick in the parking lot. She forced me (and maybe my sisters) to perform on a few of her dealers who liked younger girls so she could get her drugs. I am so mad at myself for not standing up to her. I just sat there and said nothing. Trying not to cry, trying to not let her see that it upset me. I was just as helpless now at 32 as I was then. I don't think the other stuff was true either. And even if it was, there is nothing I can do about it- and that family friend and my father both died years ago. All it does is make me hurt.

So I entrusted a friend with this info and he tells me that I am just choosing to be a victim and that I am an adult now and should have just walked away from her and not looked back. But I did go back because I wanted to see my nephew and the only way my sister will let me is if I took my mom along too.

There is more than just this, but I am crying too much to continue right now.

I will post more as I can.

May 11, 2007
1:45 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

I stopped at the end of the divorce issue.

Honey, DO NOT kiss his ass at all. You don't have to. If he were not hoppin mad then maybe I would think he might have something, but if he is tantruming like a 2 yr old then he has loads to lose and/or hide. This to me gives you the upper hand.
Ever play poker? If not, then it's time to learn. No. 1.... get all the information you can get and never tip your hand (let him know what you are doing). No 2... learn to bluff, not lie, but not give him any and all information he wants. Doesn't hurt to let him think you know a thing or two w/o saying. Sometimes that will push them into revealing a tidbit you need. No 3... NEVER fold until the game is over.

I am sorry it is hard like this. Let me ask you this... What has he hidden that you know of? Land, money, bonds, bank accounts? I'd bet we can find some of them in not to much of an effort at that. Let me ask this... the things he took... do they have your ssn on them also?

Waiting to hear to move forward. You keep your chin up coz honey you are not gonna fall unless you don't reach out for help. I'm glad you did. 🙂

May 11, 2007
1:46 am
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mamacinnamon
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PS... what state are you in?

May 11, 2007
2:07 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Mama,

As always, thanks for being there. I know I will get through this, I am just so stuck tonight. Thanks for catching me.

No I don't play poker, but I have been doing my best to play my hand.

It was mutual funds, the broker is a long time friend of his mother. His mom is a CFO and helped us with our money. I thought it was going into a joint account with mine and his names. But now that the shit is hitting the fan, it was transferred to funds with his and his moms names and some just his mom. He is claiming that we invested our income and that we lived off my dad's money... so according to my lawyer, I would have to hire a CPA in every state we lived in (and we have been in 8 states)... which is how chasing it gets to be expensive.

I did find some proof of them in past tax forms- which the lawyer is looking into. I also found some of the info from my dad's death.

This whole money thing is very emotional for me and there is more tied up in it than just money. When I was a kid my parents made good money but spent it on drugs/drinking- so when I was in 6th grade I took over the family finances- after we almost lost our house. I am very particular about how I did it and kept every reciept ect- I admit I was overboard. As much as I tried I couldn't find a middle ground, so turned it all over to my husband years ago because I felt like I had to make a choice: him or being ultra controlling with money. So now I am especially angry at myself for not doing better. Also just reopening a bunch of the past I don't need to be dealing with now too. And my family visit only worsened it.

I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow. I am such an emotional wreck I am afraid that I will just sit and bawl in his office. I already cried with him at our last meeting. He is kind, but also on a tight schedule.

Things will work out eventually, I will get through this. But just getting there seems like swimming in quicksand.

Thanks Mama.

May 11, 2007
2:19 am
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mamacinnamon
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Sorry, hubby was on the phone. i'm reading above.

May 11, 2007
2:21 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

Ok, you have several states involved. How much time do you have on your hands that you can do the chasing yourself?

May 11, 2007
2:39 am
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chelonia mydas
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I work full time and care for my pets. I will be taking a part time temp job next week for 3 weeks. He wants to be divorced by the end of the month because he is moving out of state again.

But for something like this, I could make time... I will try not to become a puddle of tears until I get past this. My biggest use of time right now is just crying and moping but I might could keep it at bay if I am working. How can I track it on my own?

May 11, 2007
2:39 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm gonna turn in. Catch me tomorrow and we'll discuss how you can look up these funds yourself. Where they may be hiding.

🙂

May 11, 2007
2:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, thought you had gone to bed.
hang on if you don't mind

May 11, 2007
2:42 am
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mamacinnamon
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There are search sites if you have his and his mom's ssns that ou can take advantage of. Also, some easy front door searches wlll hlep you also.

A lot of the sites have gone to payment now, but $50 to find out isn't a bad price if you are looking at hiring a cpa each state.

Can you give me the states in question and I'll grab onto them and shoot you some places to look?

May 11, 2007
3:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

If he wants the divorce pushed thru then stall him. Tell him that you just cannot afford to get divorced since he hid the funds. Now if he'd like to return your 505 then you might be able to move forward.

In the meantime get your past years tax returns for however many years you need too. Get what is called a tax return transcript. It shows itemized lists your tax return does not have reflect. You may be able to pick up on some of the company names the mutual funds were in.

" A "Tax Return Transcript" is available only for returns in the 1040 series (1040, 1040A, 1040EZ, etc.). It shows line item entries from the original return that you filed. In most cases, a transcript will meet the requirements for lending institutions for mortgage verification purposes. These transcripts are also widely accepted for financial aid and student loan purposes. The transcripts can be ordered on a Form 4506. There is no charge for the transcripts and you should receive them within about 10 business days from the time that we receive your request. If you need the information sooner, the tax return transcript and certain W-2 information can be received by visiting an IRS office (with proper ID) or by calling the IRS at 1-800-829-1040."

You can then trace them from there. Also try this site: http://usgovinfo.about.com/blindex.htm You can browse thru the different levels of government and possibly be able to find sites you could use to find things that are still missing.

May 11, 2007
4:04 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

Mutual funds. Not sure if this will do for you or not.

http://www.ask.com. search mutual funds. go to the bottom of the page and where it says site map. This should bring up something called pages "pages Index". From here you can go thru and hit each topic that might pertain to something you need to know or can look up. Example: get on the pages index and follow it to mutual funds and click. Hmmm. Think that should help out some. I do hope so.

Let me know if there are other things you need to find out. This should keep you busy for awhile and save you the cost of a CPA. I do hope this helps. 🙂

May 11, 2007
6:47 am
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sleepless in uk
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Chelonia, I dont have any advice but was very moved by your post and wanted to give you a hug and to say I hope things are soon much better for you.

Your description of your life with your mother is heartbreaking. I send you my love and good wishes

((Chelonia))

May 11, 2007
7:24 am
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bevdee
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Chelonia,

My heart goes out to you. Your mom sounds alot like mine. I'm practicing - trying NC.

(((Chelonia)))

May 11, 2007
8:19 am
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tooscared
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Chelonia, my heart is sad for you too as I can feel your pain in what you wrote. I understand why you couldn't "fight" back with your words the other night as sometimes we are in such shock and disbelief that the words are just not there - until later. Your mother is one sick lady and it is good that you can distance yourself from her most of the time.

On top of that having to deal with your husband and his bullying, it is overwhelming. Just take each day as it comes and don't give in to him just to get this over with. Fight for what is legally and rightfully yours as that is what he doesn't want - he wants it to be simple and all go his way.

Again, I am sorry you are going through these struggles right now. Hang tough and know that people do care.

Love, TS

May 11, 2007
10:08 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Mama, Sleepless, Bevdee and Tooscared,

Thanks for the hugs and support. I really appreciate it.

Mama- thanks for all the links, the fact that I might not have to rely on a CPA to get some of this info helps me feel less helpless. I wonder why the lawyer didn't tell me about this... maybe he doesn't know.

Here is a list of the states... Washington, Texas, South Carolina, Ohio, Montana, Colorado, Kansas, Hawaii. With the majority of the money hiding happening in Washington accounts.

I just talked to my lawyer's assistant and she told me not to meet with him or talk to him at all in any way. She is going to have the lawyer call me back when he gets out of court.

May 11, 2007
10:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

I agree w/ the assistant; no contact is best. If he calls either ignore the call or simply say "you'll have to talk to my attorney"; or "my attorney advises me to have you speak to him/her only". That will make him really angry, but it will be better for you.

Also, start logging any and all things he says and does. You may find him leaving little taunting hints. Now this will be as you state the above and hang up the phone. You'd be surprised what they will say to try to keep you on the phone so they can verbally bash you.

As for why the CPA didnt' tell you... most likely doesn't know. I would like to think they'd help you out and save you money if they could. (small lol there).

Honey, you may need to reserve yourself to start thinkin of finding some of your lovely pets homes. You ahve been a good mom to them all, that is most apparent. But, fact is that you will now have to support you. Maybe you could think of it as a child growing up and leaving home. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but do know that you must think of and take care of YOU. You could always volunteer at a rescue mission and just not take them all home. ((((hugs))))

I will check out those states this afternoon. For now I must play train w/ a little one I'm watchin this am.

May 11, 2007
10:55 am
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(((chelonia mydas)))

You will get through this. If I can do it, anyone can! Think of all the love and support you have shown others over the years. Picture yourself as one of these people and show yourself that.

No caontact may be best. When I went through my divorce I discovered 2 great things. The little button on the phone that hangs it up so I didn't have to listen to that crap! AND I loved telling him "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I don't want to play with you today" and then hanging up. It was the only way to keep his emotional torment away from me and this also kept me from engaging him in a I'm right, you're wrong conversation. It didn't matter who was right or wrong--the way the crazy arguments affected me did matter, so i eliminated them. Then I was able to think clearly about the major decisions ahead.
Good luck and I'll be thinking of you. Take care of you, Pom

May 11, 2007
2:19 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Mama,

Thanks for helping me get some of this info. I was able to get our tax returns from our tax prep agency up to 2000. I'm on hold with the IRS now trying to request the transcripts for previous years.

I understand what you are saying about the pets, but I can't adopt them out. I was active in rescue for 12+ years and I have already tried to find homes for the ones I have and couldn't for a variety of behavior and/or medical reasons. Some have even been adopted out only to be returned because of their issues.

Our local humane society euthanizes over 100 pets daily... so there is already a huge surplus of healthy well behaved pets that are being euthanized, mine don't have a chance. So I have to make it work and exhaust all possibilities before I even think about not keeping them.

I will do my best to make it work... somedays are just difficult.

Thanks for your support

May 11, 2007
2:23 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Pom,

Thanks for your support. I like your suggestions about just not entertaining his discussions/abuse. I still feel like I need him to understand and acknowledge things... his view is so distorted from reality. But I also know that there isn't anything I can do to change it. So next time I will try to just not talk about it. If it hasn't worked for the past 15 years, why do I continue to think that the next time it might.

May 11, 2007
7:20 pm
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Anonymous
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((((CM))))

I too was moved by your story. You are a very sensitive person, honest about yourself and real about your situation.

Be as strong as you can so as not to be weak later for a very long time. I didnt take the right steps by abandoning my husband for what I thought would be 1-2 months. As I went abroad I was rendered powerless and depressed on top of it. Its taken me 8 years, and Im just feeling a little better now. You are strong. Stick to your guns.

May 11, 2007
9:15 pm
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Matteo
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(((((chelonia mydas)))))

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I think mama gives you great advice, I think she is right - if he is in hurry - doesn't mean you have to be. Perhaps there is a very good reason not to hurry up to divorce. Good luck with everything and keep strong.

May 11, 2007
10:05 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((chelonia)))

May 11, 2007
10:17 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Sininho and Matteo,

Thanks for your support.

He has already called 3 times and left nasty messages threatening to take everything.

Mama,

I have been able to track down our earnings and more info from my inheritance. His Mom has provided him with a list of everything we spent my inheritance on... although she has fiddled with the bookkeeping so it looks like it was daily expenses and not things like the cars, house or electronics. So I will have to request bank statements ect.

But I am feeling more empowered with everyone's support. I spent the day going through files and looking on websites instead of mopeing and crying.

Thanks for holding my head above water and helping to fuel my strength to fight this.

May 11, 2007
10:18 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Tiger Trainer,

Thanks for the hugs...

we must have been posting at the same time.

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