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Checking in... still sad and wondering about fate of relationship
February 10, 2004
9:08 am
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artist 2
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Since I've moved out, BF says he's lost the connection between us. He says he finds it hard to reconnect because of fears of hurting his son. My paranoid mind says he's just looking for an easy way out altogether. He says the only way he thinks we can get a better relationship between us is to break off completely and then start over as different people. My paranoid mind is saying that if he wants a different person, he should look for this. I say this to him. Then he backs off saying he doesn't want to break up with me. He just wants some breathing room.

Why oh why does it seem he is playing some kind of game with me? I wonder some times if he's just trying to drive me crazy with uncertainty so I'll leave him. And if that happens, he's the good guy because he's not the one who broke my heart.

Before I left i searched for reassurance. Will we still get together with the family? Thinking that if that happens, then it's a sign he still wants me. So far his invitations lack any kind of enthusiasm, just uncertainty. I wonder if I were strong and refusing to let him go, would it make him feel closer to me?

I'm so confused. I see my therapist today and thankful for that.

I'm just looking for feedback. I know the details sound bad. I know that some of you will say that yes he's trying to bow out gracefully. But maybe I missed adding some of the details?

February 10, 2004
9:19 am
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kessie... thanks. I'm here. Been busy busy busy. Trying to adjust. Bf's been telling me that he doesn't feel connected. I keep thinking that he just wants to break up all together, but I think also hearing that message is just part of my self-preservation. It's part of my getting myself out of it before I have a nervous breakdown. If I can just stay clear and objective... my therapist says to leave all the crazy emotional reactions to him. That when I'm with Bf, be calm calm and collected. He's right. So far it's worked and I'm not getting my hopes up, but so far it seems that Bf is not backing off any more. I'm still scared though. Scared of losing everything I've worked for. And scared of being without him. Not just being alone, but without HIM.

Yes it sound wacky because of all the problems from before. But now that we're living in separate places, we've gotten more space with time to think. I knew it would happen and be a good thing. I'm not around anymore to stress about his discipline with his son. I'm not around the messiness any more. Now I'm creating my own mess. I've got plenty of space and privacy. And, all this is making me so strong. So much better. Tentatively I'm stepping out and makign connections with other people. Slowly cultivating a life outside BF. It's so scary for me. In the past I've attached myself to a relationship and given myself to it. It really leads to codependency every time. Now, with my own life I dont' feel so desperate to hang on to him. It makes him feel better. My therapist says it's a no-no to NOT have a life. He's encouraging me to explore my goals and to stay on my singular path.

Guess this may seem so easy and so obvious to some of you, but to me, it's all new. I'm learning something new. And I've been wanting to learn for such a long time now.

February 10, 2004
9:28 am
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My question for today: So, there's this family dinner that his parents host every other week. All his relatives come. Since I've been going I've never really felt completely at ease. I really like them all but dont' really enjoy going to these dinners. I feel out of place. Not being his son's mother, nor really now, even living with him, it might feel even more out of place. They are a pretty open-minded bunch and are always welcoming me. I owe it to them to have a good time if I chose to go. In other words if it doesn't feel right I shouldn't do it. I didn't go last time because it was just before moving out and I was feeling really out of it.

I would go if I had some sign from Bf that he really wanted me there. Last night we talked and he said that his parents always welcome me. I asked if he wanted me to go and he said (albiet non-commitingly) "Sure." It's like he's doesn't know. Then, why is he inviting me? Would any of you go, knowing the details?

February 10, 2004
10:59 am
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Can't check the posts until tomorrow... thanks! Have a good day everyone!

February 10, 2004
11:15 am
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Wanttobewell
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Hi artist,,I would go only if I felt comfortable doing so. I wouldn't go to try to keep salvaging the relationship or if I thought he was just too hesitant to tell me he didn't really want me there. He is sending mixed messages isn't he? Still,,,I'd go with my gut feeling. Hope you feel better soon!!~! W.

February 11, 2004
3:45 pm
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Therapist said I should be more assertive with BF. Like, if he wants me to come with, then he should pick me up. If he answers with a waffling response, then say no to the issue until he can come up with a firm YES.

I realize that he has so much to focus on, he can't give a whole lot to relaitonship problems. Its' best for me to hang loose and not give too much to it. Carry on with other things and hope he can pull through for me!

February 11, 2004
4:06 pm
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gingerleigh
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Can you see the pattern? A2, please go back through all of your threads about this relationship, and see how this has been going on for years. Sweetie, I'm serious, don't just "yeah yeah, Ginger, whatever, I know what you're trying to say." Really, go back and look at them. It's been more down than it's been up. You deserve better. You seem to know so well what you want. After two years, why do you think that suddenly this man will learn how to give you what you need or that you will magically change into the person who can accept what he is able to give?

February 12, 2004
9:52 am
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Of course it's been down. We've both acknowledged it. It's just after you spend so much for a person, you can't just walk away. It's me that needs to learn to fulfill myself. I have a problem with wrapping myself up in relationships and then dropping everything I have for the love and comfort. My life has been on the wayside for so long now, I need to begin going back and picking up the pieces. I need to develop my own life. It is distructive to me and everyone I love and drag into a relationship to do this. This is the first time I've been able to take steps in that direction. It's because he has been direct, and honest with me. It's because he understands what a troubled little girl I am inside. He hasn't abandonded me and I must work to make sure it doesn't happen. The whole thing just gives me something to work for. It behooves me to not abandon the work I've got ahead. It must be done but it will be hard. What in life isn't work the work toward wholeness and happiness?

February 12, 2004
11:08 am
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gingerleigh
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You will do what you need to do and what feels right to you. It's sad to see you struggle and beat your head against this over and over, but if you feel you must do it, who am I or anyone else to argue with you? Best wishes and good luck.

February 12, 2004
11:28 am
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Thanks!

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