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cheating
September 2, 2000
11:07 am
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bear7
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Was unhappy in marriage of 6 years (2 small kids) and met a woman that was everything my wife was not and had really never been - warm, loving, supportive, sexually adventurous. Began with friendship, moved quickly to dating/sex. Ongoing for 6 months now. Recently moved out on wife, in part because cheating was discovered (soft evidence, but enough to make it obvious). Girlfriend promises the world and I believe she can deliver. Wife has begun to promise the world if I will come back. I'm not sure she can deliver. Currently immersed in guilt and self loathing. Am hiding girlfriend from all friends and family so have no one to talk to. Still have feelings for the wife, but question whether things will really change (will she nurture, support, etc. me or will we go back to being at odds most of the time). Any thoughts? What do I owe the wife? Can the girlfriend relationship ever work out under these circumstances?

September 2, 2000
12:18 pm
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eve
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September 24, 2010
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hi bear,

what is your problem? That you can't have the cake and eat it? Or that you fear to have the same problems all over again. I guess it's not a question of 'which woman' but of 'how do I handle relationships'. You should do some thinking about what you want (for yourself, your partner, your children). And that might be easier if you stay by yourself for some time. Falling from one relationship into the next doesn't give you time to think - it keeps you from thinking and you might end up where you are now six years from now whith one more unhappy woman and perhaps more fatherless children.

September 2, 2000
12:26 pm
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Molly
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You owe the wife and most of all the children your committment, your promise to love cherish, respect for better and for worse. The relationships that I know of including my own, after a marital break up, are tormenting. The lust dies down, the real differences show through, and the guilt sets in. The grief imposed on the children is so completely unfair, consequences which often do not show up for years. The girlfriend, and I know many good women who have done same, must realize that she has been instrumental in the destruction of a family, and she will also have guilt set in. Society, is harsh on this in its own way. Most of all you owe your self the opportunity to rise to the occasion to be your word, to be a man, husband and father. It will be difficult to overcome the infidelity, but much more simple than the destruction of the family, and all the terrible consequences for the children. I speak so strongly based not on concept but on experience, not only my own, but many who got caught up in the concept of the simplicity of divorce, and the lure of immediate gratification. Please consider your choices carefully, the consequences may be irreversable.

September 2, 2000
7:14 pm
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Learner
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September 27, 2010
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BEAR,

I think that you will just face the same problem with your girlfriend very soon. In addition you will be a split person. A father to your children, I hope financially and emotionally and perhaps want to start a new family, minus the financies, time, and energy that are gone to support your previous family. Children are wonderful but living limited to support two families is very difficult. Perhaps you should try again with your wife.

September 4, 2000
12:59 pm
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bear7
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Thanks to all who responded. I came out the same way, but it's nice to know that others were on the same page.

September 4, 2000
5:16 pm
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Molly
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Sometimes we only hear what we want to hear, good luck, and consider your choices very carefully.

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