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Cheaters, why do people cheat?
October 9, 2007
9:35 am
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Hi, I am new hear. I have been in a 5 year relationship that has had its ups and downs. When we have broken up he has seen other women and when we have problems he will text message different girls. He says I am too jealous and overeact. Do I sound like I am being paranoid.

He has the password to my email account and he changed his and claims it was for secutiy purpose, he likes to update it every once in awhile. I don't want to be some jealous paranoid woman but I feel like he is being shady.

He also has a myspace account that I knew nothing about he claims one of his friends created it as a joke, I can't see it because it is private.

My gut tells me he is cheating, maybe not in the physical sense but emotional.He is one of those people that likes attention and I feel like he likes to feel wanted. I guess we all do to some point, I have guy friends that he doesn't necessarily know I talk too.

Is any of this normal or is something wrong here?

Thanks!

October 9, 2007
9:54 am
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Something is wrong. If you feel like something is up trust yourself. I have been in a 3 yr relationship and have been trying to deal with the fact that he is not as into the relationship as I thought and as I was. Someone on this site mentioned a book, When Your Lover Is a Liar. I bought it the other night. If you are interested you can read my saga on feedback please. Take care of YOU.

Bitsy

October 9, 2007
9:54 am
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If you have a gut feeling then you are probably right...I met my ex on the internet dating service and during our relationship he was still looking at profiles to me that is cheating, because when you love someone they only have eyes for you...
I was blinded and turned my head, because of the co-dependency and he broke up with me and did me a favor...

go with your gut

October 9, 2007
10:23 am
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risingfromtheashes
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not sure anymore.

I have been IN YOUR SHOES.

and he did cheat - not once, but twice.

The first time - he was cheating with someone he used to IM alot on AOL.

He also had passwords on all his accounts, he had passwords on his cell phone, he kept all his important papers locked in his trunk and had a separate PO box.

The first time I caught him cheating, the girl contacted me cuz she suspected he was still with me...tho he told her we had split...she had my email cuz he used to mass email his friends stupid stuff...she put two and two together.

He denied it. I kicked him out.

I started missing him, asked if we could reconcile...he promised to go to therapy with me.

Things improved...sort of...I still couldn't get into his emails and stuff...and tho he promised I could get in there all I had to do was ask, he was combative the day I DID ask.

He frequently had excuses why he was late, or not coming home.

He frequently went for "coffee" in the middle of the night - we had no cell service where we were...so when he got coffee, he'd use his phone.

I never saw the sites he used, he always kept his laptop hidden and minimized stuff when I walked by.

He had MANY female friends on his phone and email and IM.

told me I was making something out of nothign all the time and I was paranoid.

THEN

I found his myspace...all along he ASSUMED I knew about it.

well, I didn't

and when I did - I blew up again.

again, he said I was making something out of nothing.

Then one day he said he was too sick to come home, was gonna stay at mom's.

I couldn't reach him.

Gut said he was cheating.

I called the other woman to see if he was still with her...but NOOOOOOO, he was out with the number one chick on his myspace - and the other woman KNEW about it....so she three way called him - he answered (tho he didn't answer my calls a minute prior) and told her again he was out with V....I screamed at him, threw him out again.

He cleaned out the apartment the next day...blamed me for a thousand different things....then said he was going to commit suicide....I called his bluff....we went round for round for a while...but in the end, he was a liar, cheater, con, and master manipulator.

Prior to all this, he had borrowed money to buy a new truck...never got it back...he stole stuff from my apartment when he moved out...the list goes on.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - it's a duck.

He may not have YET cheated, but it won't be long.

that's my gut feeling anyway.

October 9, 2007
10:45 am
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I think people cheat because they need their ego stroked so basically, they are insecure and need constant admiration because they don't feel good about themselves.

October 9, 2007
10:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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lettingo - I think you are dead on about that.

my ex was VERY insecure...and he constantly needed his ego stroked.

I think it kills him that I walked away...cuz he maintains friendships with EVERYONE from his past - even his ex wife.

But no, I don't think he felt good about himself...I think he needed that attention to feel right with the world...he also doted on his family alot...he was the guy they went to when they needed something - ALOT - that also stroked his ego.

I also think that these people THINK they can get away with it. They think we are dumber than we look.

I also think they are so special that we wouldn't walk away if we found out...cuz we are dumb and adore them too much....but deep inside, they don't feel so superior....so they struggle with that.

October 9, 2007
12:45 pm
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Thanks everyone for the responses, I truly appreciate it.

Bitsy, I read a preview of that book you were talking about on amazon and i am going to get!

Its so hard for me to think he would cheat, it makes me feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I am 27 and when I was younger I used to do the stupid cheating stuff. Now I feel like Karma is coming back and I also feel like how can I be mad when I did the same things in the past. I have tried to make peace with the past to learn and grow but this one is hard for me.

I truly don't understand how you can love someone so much and then they have such blatant disregard for you! How does a wonderful loving relationship end up that way? How do you ever learn to trust?

I hear so many people who are going through similar things and it doesn't give me much hope.

I am sorry you have all experienced the lies and deceit also because god does it hurt.

My boyfriend is so charming and he is such a good manipulator. Maybe I am in denial or shock and I think talking to people is what I need right now.

October 9, 2007
12:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I was in denial.

It was about the time I started here.

I really defended him, not wanting to believe he could do it to me.

But the second time I caught him, I couldn't be in denial any more.

You mention he is charming - have you read the "charmer/abuser" thread?

might open your eyes some more.

not all situations are the same - so perhaps yours isn't (at risk of giving you false hope here)...BUT...it sure does reek.

Trust your gut is all I can say and don't let HIM talk you into believing anything different.

Usually these charmers will have us believe we are making mountains out of molehills, that we are making a big deal about nothing and are paranoid for no reason.

October 9, 2007
1:55 pm
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risingfromtheashes,
Thanks for talking. I know my boyfriend says that I am such a drama queen and I need to just ignor ethe stupid stuff. By the end of some of our conversations my head is spinning and I wonder what my problem is!

October 9, 2007
2:59 pm
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I don't know...I couldn't cheat on my husband..When i got married I promised to love only him, and I swore that to myself, him and God...and I would feel too much guilt too, and I would be terrified of contacting a disease, losing his respect and hating myself..have I ever been tempted? Yes, there was a time, I could of cheated with my first love, I could of rationized that it was fate, that he sometimes igonrs and etc but that would of beem wrong too.

October 10, 2007
11:14 am
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I think the fact that there is so much temptation scares me.

October 10, 2007
11:23 am
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Oh abusers love to make you look paranoid, stupid, insecure and etc...and if you let them, they will succeed at it too here. They esp love the Paranoid factor, cause we all been soo conditioned in life to think oh we must be paranoid or something, yea, sometimes with good reason!!!!!

Write down what would happen if you did A, then B would follow right???I do that alot myself.

October 10, 2007
2:59 pm
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lettingo
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So basically, you never have to think a person who cheats on you will not cheat on the next person. Once the admiration and the egos strokes wear off, they want or need something new. They are not interested in developing the relationship. So if someone cheats, say bye bye and don't look back and DO NOT envy his next victim because he/she will not be the last.

October 16, 2007
11:14 am
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I love listening to all of your perspectives. Its nice to that I am not crazy. I really feel like I am crazy, paraniond, and dellusional.

I just don't know what to do I have been with him for a fews years and I don't want to believe he is that kind of person.

I want to be numb and I can't seem to do that.

October 16, 2007
12:52 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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you may want to stick your head in the sand right now - BUT - let me tell you - ignoring the obvious is going to set you up for more pain.

When the day comes that you can't ignore the situation any longer (when the cheating is in front of you) - when you can't deny it any more - the pain can be OVERWHELMING.

When the "other woman" contacted me telling me she was dating my ex for weeks -I was devestated. My first reaction was to kick his ass out - and I did...drove him to the nearest shopping plaza at midnight (it was closed) and left him there for his mom to pick up (she had to drive two hours to come get him), cuz he had no vehicle.

Anyway, after the shock wore off, I took him back....we bargained, we did counseling - we fought still - I thought I was losing my mind.

I actually remember looking at him, in tears, telling him I think I am losing my mind and he saying "that's ok hon, we'll work thru this, you aren't crazy, I love you". I believed him. I WANTED to believe him.

No, I wasn't crazy....I was just in denial.

And denying what was so painfully obvious was making me feel like I was crazy.

then the day came when he was caught again....I could have seen this one coming - part of me did.

But the pain AGAIN was enough to knock me on my ass....this time I kicked him out for good....but it still took me a while to detach myself emotionally from him. We played mental games back and forth for months before it got really ugly and not worth my time.

I remember, just after finding out he cheated - trying to find the truth - feeling like a private detective - trying to figure what was truth, what was fiction (majority was fiction)...I called his mom...cried my eyes out to her...she LIED TO ME too....I was THIS close to checking myself into the mental ward...I went to meetings, and counseling and made it thru.

NO MAN is worth that kind of agony and pain.

NO MAN is worth making yourself THAT crazy.

I speak only from my own experiences - you could be lucky and he is just a friendly guy. BUT - if it's hurting you - then that's not fair to you either - whether it's sexual cheating or not - he is devoting time and attention to other women, which makes it emotional infidelity....when his focus should be on you and your relationship.

I hope you never feel the pain I felt...it's that simple.

October 16, 2007
6:00 pm
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bonni
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For me, I cheated emotionally because I was so scared and alone. It was after he had been gone eight or nine months, no it was when he came back and I just couldn't reconnect with him. not that I really connected with the other guy. i mean i did, but not in the way that i did in my marriage, like two souls who just knew each other, I just trusted him and he comforted me as a friend emotionally. he listened and understood and actually gave a damn whether I was alive or not.

now, i don't really have much desire for either of them, anyone really. I don't know that I ever want to let anyone near me again. I feel so incredibly selfish staying with him, when he should be free to find someone else. He's such a great man, he deserves to be happy and I can't make him happy. I've been trying to make me happy, but since I'm a cheater, even though I never did more than open my heart to another man, maybe I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I will always be a cheater. In 13 years of marriage, I never had more than a passing thought of infidelity and I never hid anything from my husband. Now, I don't know if I ever want any man to touch me ever again. that makes me really sad.

bonni

October 17, 2007
9:31 am
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I think I cheated to force myself to end the relationship that I was in. I was a coward and could not bring myself to just be honest and walk away, so I forced the decision to be made for me.

It all made me feel ashamed and like the dirty little boy that was molested and wronged; familiar.

I cheated with a manager at work who turned into a stalker and called and texted and emailed 20 times a day. I paid dearly and still may one day lose my job.

The person I cheated on forgave me.

Cary

October 17, 2007
9:37 am
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I cheated in the past, cuz i wasn't happy with the man i was with, thought it would be better being with someone else, and it doesn't help to cheat, sure it boost the ego, thinking, "yeah, I can get this guy" while I am cheating on my man.

I cheated cuz i was weak, too weak to end a bad relationship.

I would never ever ever cheat again, I'd be strong enought to end one relationship b4 starting another.

October 17, 2007
9:54 am
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risingfromtheashes
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coming to terms with something here.

I did cheat on my exex...for which I am sorry for.

I didn't have sex - but was surfing for a new guy - and met my ex - and we had one date - before I told my exex.

I had been wanting to break it off - I had tried - but we always got back.

Plus, he would show up at my home - at all hours of the night - and wanting to avoid confrontation (did not want to wake others sleeping in the next room) - I allowed him to come in and sleep next to me.

I WANTED it to end - but it looked like, at the time, the only way he would "get it" that it was over, was if I had a new guy.

So, I found a new guy.

My ex says I cheated on him - maybe I did...but I was talking to the exex (wanting to maintain the friendship) while I started dating my ex. BUT - my ex KNEW - and did not say anything. After all, he was still friends with his wife, that he was "trying" to divorce, but wanted to stay friendly.

I went back to exex for a while - then it didn't work out and ex wanted another chance.

confused yet?

anyway - thing is - ex had double standards - said it was NOT ok that I was talking to exex that whole time, but it was ok he kept friendship up with his wife (to extent that wife was invited to his bday party and I wasn't...same with easter).

anyway - just venting here...old garbage.

I did cheat on my exex - by looking for another guy - while I was still with him - cuz I didn't have the backbone to be forceful enough to make him stay away.

I remember on another support board, someone telling me I was cheating and I was denying it, hurt and offended she would say I was cheating.

But she was right...I didn't understand emotional infidelity...or that I was even doing anything wrong...I simply saw it as a solution to getting out of a bad situation.

We have since made ammends - he forgives me and understands why it happened.

I have not cheated on anyone else - nor have I ever slept with another man while dating/committed to another.

October 17, 2007
9:57 am
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risingfromtheashes
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another thing that really occurred to me - I used to "surf" the internet looking at men's profiles.

I used to think it was no big deal, as I had no intent to leave my partner or date any of these men - I used to excuse it as just something to do..no harm.

again, the same person accused me of not being faithful.

I again was hurt and such that she would accuse me.

But, after knowing what I know now and having been truly cheated on - I understand.

And now that I am in a stable, sound, happy relationship - I don't feel the URGE to look - men don't catch my eye anymore....so now it makes sense to me.

I love my partner enough not to want to look.

I never understood this. And no, my relationships in the past were never good, so they always left me with the need to want more...to look for better.

my how I have grown! (with a lot more to do!)

October 17, 2007
10:08 pm
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I think people cheat because they are not happy with the person they are with. Or to avoid intimacy. To feel like they are in control. Because they have no respect or empathy for the person they are with. Because they are pissed.

Basically I am broken up with my X. but I feel the final blow will come when I become intimate with someone else. I did go out after I got married with another man. I did it because my X ignored me. No intimacy and I did not want to make myself so available for him. I wrote and told him about it recently. I did not have sex with the guy but just about. My X asked women out right in front of me before that. The reason why he is in jail is because I brought a very good looking man over on purpose just to say F u to him and to treat him with the same inconsideration he has treated me. I used the guy as a pawn and my husband got put in jail for going off on him. I dont care. He needed to learn a lesson. I still want to go to the jail and lie and say I am with someone even though I am not. I dont know why.

October 17, 2007
10:28 pm
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Ah cheaters...I've been a victim also...I just think he was bored. Never to excuse him whatsoever. I'd rather have someone tell me they're out of love and leave me than go behind my back and lie. Jerk. It hurt me...this was 6 years ago, and I haven't found a serious relationship since. UGH It leaves its mark let me tell ya. Well, you many of you know already. It's such a hard thing to endure.

October 18, 2007
6:45 am
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bonni
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The more I think about it, the more I realize it was the loneliness and lack of connection. I think I would have been fine if it weren't for the girls. They are such an emotional drain that I needed some measure of love and support. Every day I came home from work not knowing if I was a widow or not. I took my stupid cell phone with me everywhere, playing the role of supportive wife, trying to figure out why I didn't deserve to have a supportive husband. why did he leave me? why didn't he care that i was dying inside? he didn't even notice that I was dying inside. the man I cheated with did. I wasn't looking to cheat. but when you have a husband who's been in another country for nine months, ten months, who is so wrapped up in just trying to stay alive that he doesn't care that you don't want to live anymore and then there's this other person telling you that there;s still a reason to live and promising not to take advantage of your frailty and in fact never does, who do you turn to? the one who isn't there or the one that is? the one that takes takes takes or the one that gives without strings?

did my husband cheat on me with the military? he put them first. after a few weeks of his leaving, I felt like the mistress. like every conversation was stolen from his real wife.

bonni

October 18, 2007
11:57 pm
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Bonni- It is hard for a man to be there when he is not there. A relationship is about enjoying each others company. I would have cheated to if I was in your situation. But how do you cheat on someone that isnt even there???

October 19, 2007
12:36 am
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I can relate to this...I don't think you're cheating if you don't really have a connection. Yet guys want to make you feel quilty when they don't define their role.

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