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Chasing & Can you get addicted to someone after 1st date
January 4, 2006
10:49 am
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black widow
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Hi:

New here. I met a guy and we went out on a 1st date. He had 5 glasses of wine in 3 hours. He didn't appear drunk, but I got the feeling that he may be an alcoholic if not a womanizer too. I have always "fallen in love" with the wrong type of guys. My ex-husband was an alcoholic although he never drank a drop in front of me during our short marriage as he was in a "program" when I met him, but he had all the personality traits of an abuser.

So my question is, can you tell if a person is an alcoholic or an unhealthy person to get involved with on a 1st date? I ended up backing out of our 2nd date because I got completely scared of getting into a relationship with this guy. He is also wealthy and mentioned that he travels a lot - is this the "unavailable" thing that I am always attracted to also? I had told him to call me after the holidays after cancelling our 2nd date and now I am struggling with a deep depression, not eating and wanting to call and chase him because he has not called and I feel like I blew it and maybe I was wrong in thinking that he could be an alcoholic and I am having a hard time with feeling the fear of abandonment, feeling I wasn't good enough for him and I'll never meet anyone I'm "attracted" to again, etc. Same old stuff. I used to beg and call all the men I liked in my life and none of them ever responded well - so this year, I'm trying to live with "dignity and grace" and trying to stop controlling and begging someone to come back to me and just letting God handle it and letting it unfold the way God sees is best for me, but it's so hard. I am going to CODA meetings and seeing a counselor.

Any suggestions?

Thanks.

January 4, 2006
11:05 am
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Anonymous
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I think you did the right thing.

You followed your gut. TRUST THAT.

If this guy was worth your time, he would have called after christmas.

The idea that he had that much to drink and travels frequently is only going to cause you anxiety. You don't need that.

I think that it's better to deal with your anxiety and learn to control it - but if you are not ready to do that now - it's best to not date these kinds of guys.

Wealthy and traveling alot can be good for you if you ended up with this guy - but I wonder if alot of this was just a show? Perhaps the wine was a cover for his own insecurities and nervousness. Perhaps saying he was wealthy and liked to travel was boasting and not really true - define "alot" - know what I mean...I would say I travel alot if I took two trips a year - only cuz, for ME, that is ALOT - but for some people - they travel twice monthly - and that's insanity to me I think...so it varies.

I think the true test here is that he didn't call you - and your gut said stay away.

So trust that - and let God handle it, just like you are doing. It IS hard - but the rewards are so great. Do you REALLY want to get involved with an alcoholic again? I don't think so.

Take your time and learn to trust your intuition.

One other suggestion - try not to think "I HAVE to get into a relationship with every guy I date". It is OKAY to date a guy a handful of times and then move on. Don't sleep with him. Just spend that time getting to know him. Without the physical stuff - which will help not get attached. This is hard for codependents to do - but is a true test to our recovery. Dating in the "healthy" world isn't about committing to the first guy who asks you out - but rather a process to meet new people - and maybe someday meet the right one.

If you are having doubts about this guy - about chasing or calling - call him ONCE - and then let it go. That's not chasing - it's following up. And if he doesn't return the call - delete his number and try someone new.

January 4, 2006
11:33 am
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Matteo
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black widow,

I think that if you met this guy and had an uneasy feeling during the date, then your feeling is right, Maybe he is not an alcoholic or womanizer, but you should feel comfortable in his company. If your gut feeling tells you differently, don't ignore it, because sometimes the warning voice can be very faint. You listened to it and you followed it. Good for you, and don't beat yourself up.

You resemble myself to some degree, I got really good advice on my post "Matteo's dilemma", maybe it would be helpful for you too.

I wish you many really good dates in New Year!

January 4, 2006
11:42 am
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CAMER
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I agree with all of the above....listen to that lil' voice in the back of your mind telling you this.....that's your gut instinct & you did do the right thing.

There are plenty of men out in this world, don't worry about this one!

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