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changing the rules...
January 2, 2006
4:58 am
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lost and found
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and about me

January 2, 2006
4:58 am
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Philmore Bowles
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No, I don't want to feel like I need to be "above" anyone. That kills communication.

My philosophy (when I'm concious) is something l;ike: The best offense is no defense. You don't have to "fall on your face", unless you want to.

Your value is not based on how many fish you caught. You don't have to get caught up in that mindset.

I don't mind being wrong. You can't learn without being wrong sometimes. You can't succeed big without a whole lot of failures first.

See, you'd try to argue with me and I'd get all Zen and objective and shit. You can't hit the ghost . . .

January 2, 2006
5:01 am
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i have wasted alot of time thnking being a girl is second class. so what, so what so what so what.....

January 2, 2006
5:03 am
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no, u dont get it, i wouldnt argue with u ghost rider. i would be out to show u up

January 2, 2006
5:05 am
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i would swim around so to speak and smile and act real cute and be out to stomp your ass at something....

January 2, 2006
5:06 am
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Philmore Bowles
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What your Dad thinks is only as important as you want it to be. What you think is the key to your life.

You choose to believe that your Dad is right. That's why you are married to your husband, I suspect. Because you know how to have that relationship. You don't know how to have a healthy relationship, so you did what you knew how to do. (This is not a statement of judgement about you lost - just stated as my perspective.)

It's a simple model that probably applies to most of us here - most definately including my last relationship.

This isn't therapy - it's Self Actualization. Way, way better.

I was in therapy for 10+ years and resisted it all the way - learning some of the principals of Self Actualization broke through a whole bunch of nonsense in a very short time for me. I highly recommend looking into it. 🙂

January 2, 2006
5:08 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I would clap at your big show and tell you how cool you are! My humility would be the thing that drove you insane - always trying to show me up and never getting that reaction you so obviously crave. It's okay, I'd give you healthy attention instead, so you would eventually not need to compete with me anymore . . .

I want you to be better at everything than me - it's only going to the greater good!

January 2, 2006
5:10 am
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did i tell u how much i like u???:)

just because some men think they are superior because they are MEN. so what . that makes them an IIIIDDDIIIOOOTTT.

and i have got to quit rising to the bait.

zen master, tell me what to think so i wont do it.

maybe i am going to set myself free after all.....

January 2, 2006
5:17 am
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what's funny, is as long as u liked yourself and didn't try to boost your ego at my expense, i would behave. i fish with sherri and brian. he is the captain of the boat. he has self confidence. he laughs and plays but doenst go for the soft spot. he doesnt insult me. i love brian. i act like a girl there.

January 2, 2006
5:20 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I like you to lost. You are willing to change - and that is maybe the most amazing thing in the world. Notice how many people are committed to justifying the pain in their lives - instead of trying something new. Being willing to try something new - that's half the battle.

So try something new. Learn to understand what your husband is doing on a deeper level. See his behavior (and yours) for what it really is. Then you understand that he's not competing with you - he's trying to stay ahead of the fear he's hiding from. We all are to some degree.

Think about how much you Love this man instead of how much you hate him (if I may be so bold). If you don't LOve him, then think about why you are still with him.

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he said, "every marriage needs at least one hero, 2 is better". He talked about being willing to sacrifice being right for doing the right thing.

January 2, 2006
5:20 am
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and i dont feel bad about it.

January 2, 2006
5:25 am
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philmore, the problem the whole time has been in my own noggin. like u said, just because my dad thinks like he does doesn't make it law.

the problem is that i am afraid because i am a girl i dont measure up somehow

January 2, 2006
5:28 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Brian is acting out of Love - you husband is acting out of fear, obviously you are reacting to both of those intentions.

The thing is, you can choose to act out of Love, instead of reacting out of fear.

How would I play the game with your hubby? Just let him blow his own horn all day if that's what he needed to do.

The mighty alpha male animal dominates again - it's a natural animal behavior. So are you a human animal or a human being?

Did you know that a superiority complex is essentially the same thing as an inferiority complex? That one makes some guys think real hard before they say anything else. 🙂

January 2, 2006
5:30 am
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i'm sorry i have kept u up half the night.

January 2, 2006
5:32 am
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Philmore Bowles
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How you measure up doesn't have anything to do with your gender, either. It's what you allow yourself to achieve. Most of my doubts are about helping me avoid taking on the big challenges in my life.

That's why I still carry around my bad self-image - it protects me from the next potential heartbreak. It also keeps me from the next step in my growth.

Knowing is not half the battle - being willing to change your mind is!

January 2, 2006
5:34 am
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Philmore Bowles
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You didn't do a damn thing! I am not your victim - I am the source of my own actions and results!!!

Hallelujah!!

That's another Self Actualization thing.

January 2, 2006
5:36 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I bet you are really tired - 5:30 a.m.

I'm on a roll, as you can see. Just let me know when you need to hit the sack. I'm not long for this world, myself.

January 2, 2006
5:39 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Your word is LAW in your universe and your life will only work to the degree that you are wiling to keep your agreements.

More Self Actualization . . .

January 2, 2006
5:43 am
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Philmore Bowles
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(((found))))

zzzzzzzzz

January 2, 2006
5:46 am
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u use ur self doubt to hold u back , right? and i have rode my self doubt to try and be superwoman.

one of the neigbors said he bet i could build a house if i wanted to. and i took pride in that . i see the silliness in it now....

January 2, 2006
5:49 am
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good night !!!

((((((phil)))))

thanks for listening...
when u have a problem i will help u with it....not
i will listen

and practice , i dont know, i dont know, i dont know

even if it kills me. ha ha

January 2, 2006
6:01 am
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lewis
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Hi lost & found, your thread has touched me. I'm glad your changing the rules.

I wondered if you have read or heard of a book called 'games people play' Eric Berne. This book is hard reading but very enlightening - it helped me! He discusses the triangle, The Rescuer, The persecuter and The Victim. Maybe you could give it a read. Keep on changing those rules!

take care 😉

January 2, 2006
6:23 am
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thanks, i have it. reading is a passion of mine. it just didn't penetrate.

what i need is a book, called being a girl and being good at it. he he
and proud of it.

heard of one like that?

January 2, 2006
11:30 am
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you mentioned AA - cuz that would kill him to go.

You sound very "rugged" and sports oriented - so perhaps this suggestion is silly - but how about a quilting class or ceramics class or ballroom dancing - something ULTRA feminine? Would he dare show his face??????

I think phil is right about taking the fun out of the competition for him.

He knows he has you beat when he can beat you down "mentally" instead of physically. But for there to be a tug of war and a winner - two people have to participate.

Somehow there has to be a way that you can continue to see yourself as a successful winner despite his verbal nastiness....somehow pretending that he is not there - ignorning his trash that comes out of his mouth.

Tug of war can't happen if one person lets go of the rope.

And if you pursue classes he wouldn't dare participate in - after a while - you may be able to resume other stuff - and he may have tired of the game and not show up there either.

just some random thoughts.

January 2, 2006
2:36 pm
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lewis
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hi lost&found perhaps you should write that book 😉 I'll buy it!

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