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changing the rules...
January 2, 2006
1:21 am
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my dad was raised by a drug addicted, alcoholic woman. he is an alcoholic too. i became the mommy for him. i have did flips all my life trying to get him to be my dad and love me, but the best i ever got was this screwed up feeling of him being dependent and me being all so momma. and i grew up and married a man raised by a drug addicted alcoholic woman. and i stepped up and became his all to good momma. i am the problem. i wanted both of them to love me so bad that i became what i knew they both needed to get them to look at me. but i have never been satisfied. somwhere in the last year, i have been changing. i no longer am willing to play this role anymore. it's kinda like doing flips for attention. i dont need it anymore. and guess what...FFEEELLLSS GGOOOD!!! i tell myself everyday, i just want to be a girl. and i have stopped being everything for everybody. my mom asked me to turn her ac on in her car friday. and i told her i didn't know how. her remark; "well, that's a first". and we laughed. i knew how , but i am trying to stop doing everything for everybody. i didn't realize i came across like that. to her anyway. i have stopped doing alot of things in the last year. i just want to be a girl. i dont think i have a good concept of this, but i am trying. any advice ???? glad to hear it. i need it....

January 2, 2006
1:55 am
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and i learned as a kid, that i needed to be tough so as not to get anger throwed at me. u know, do it all yourself and don't ask for anything. and on top of that do and do and do and do, and they might just be nice to u for a minute. (glory glory, glory)

all of a sudden, i am like keep your damn hands out of my cookie jar. if u take one u better put one back in or i am going to take my cookies nd go play somewhere else.

January 2, 2006
2:12 am
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my dad came down here the other day and he was mad!!! he wanted to know what my problem was? why i didn't come down there enymore. my heart was thumping in my throat. isn't that stupid. i am forty two years old and i still fear his anger. but i survived it. i told him i was tired of being run over. i didn't know any other way of say it. he sat there a minute and started to tell me some kind of problem he was having i cut him off and told him i didn't want to hear it. i was busy. he went stomping out of the house. all my life i have heard from him, i dont want to hear from u. u are to be here for me. and i married the same crap. when my husband gets mad i tremble in fear, but in the last year i can match temper for temper with him, and he backs down. is this how it works ???? when someone wants something from u and u are not willing to give it and they get really pissed, then u get really pissed right back.????

January 2, 2006
2:35 am
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i can tell you i am the one on here that starts joking around when some of yall are argueing. it's a natural reflex to stop the anger. next time i do it, someone tell me to get off the damn thread. it isn't my place to try and fix it. don't get me wrong, i like to play, but i see what i am doing and i want to stop. just tell me to enable myself right on down the road....

January 2, 2006
2:42 am
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is there a drug u can take to cure dumbass?????

January 2, 2006
2:45 am
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Anonymous
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Hey Lost!!!

You discovered that you were trying to change/fix a relationship from the past with a relationship in the present.

You decided that you've had enough of the people pleasing.

I applaude you girlfriend!

You said "FFEEELLLSS GGOOOD!!"

I concur. I call it freedom! I've been getting it in small dosages...(I intend to pick up the economy size soon) but it does feel good.

January 2, 2006
2:48 am
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yea, but i am still doing it...

enabling.....

January 2, 2006
2:51 am
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and u know what, when u enable u end up all by yourself really. i want to be part of the group. not the fixit upper, get it done girl.....

January 2, 2006
2:53 am
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I hear your frustration friend.

Be gentle with you! You deserve it and who ever says you dont is a liar.

Rememeber that healing is a process.

It takes time some time to unlearn.

Rest in the knowledge that you are on the right track!

January 2, 2006
2:57 am
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and this is the devil with enabling so long, when i am in a situation i dont know what to do, the little beast enabler comes out. it's like a defense to not getting hurt. that ends up hurting the shit out of me eventually. and it pushes good people away and u end up with the sorriest.

drugs please....
how about a hammer...

January 2, 2006
3:01 am
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I understand defenses to protect yourself from hurt, believe me!

But will you tell to me about how the enabling pushes people away?

January 2, 2006
3:05 am
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well, who wants to have fun with their mommy. i get left out of the fun. but everybody comes running when they nnneeeedddd something.

January 2, 2006
3:10 am
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and i always act like i am sooo tough and i dont care. but i care a big bunch. a big big big bunch.

January 2, 2006
3:10 am
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OH I see.

So you're kind of a nurturer. You had to be for your father and then your husband.

You wish you could take it easier, have more fun?

Then set that goal for your self.

Today, I Lost, will concsciously seek out ways to have more fun and take care of other less.

What is your idea of fun?

January 2, 2006
3:12 am
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I can relate, I'm kind of a tough acting, keep it togther, kind of a girl too.

Had something to do with having an abusive authority figure with O tolerence for weakness.

January 2, 2006
3:17 am
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i know how to have fun by myself. haven't u seen me posting when i am playing. but i do it by myself. i am tired of being by myself.

i have the urge lately when someone tells me about a good movie i just gotta go see....to say well, u stupid dumbass why dont u ASK me to go instead of telling me about it.

January 2, 2006
3:19 am
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i hear what u are saying young and restless.

how do u undo it?

January 2, 2006
3:20 am
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Philmore Bowles
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What if you just say what you want?

January 2, 2006
3:23 am
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No, I haven't seen you playing on post.

LOL calling them a stupid dumbass is ONE way of getting your relationship needs met.

Why not just take initiave to ask them to go?

Do you think it will it make you appear needy? weak? desperate?

January 2, 2006
3:24 am
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Philly!!!

January 2, 2006
3:25 am
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i spend every weekend by myself while the kids play and husband plays. without me. it isn't right. the problem is. h doesn't want anything to do with me, but if i go somewhere or see any friends, then he will go there twenty times without me. like a contest. it's control.....and i just dont go back.

January 2, 2006
3:26 am
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Hi there Young'n

Hi lost

If you just keep telling the people you love exactly what you expect - in a loving way, but in no uncertain terms - eventually they will hear you. Especially if your actions are reflecting your words.

January 2, 2006
3:28 am
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That would be one way to literally change the rules. Tell everyone exactly what those rules are. Tell them exactly what you are trying to accomplish.

No good?

January 2, 2006
3:28 am
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this is THE problem...husband doesn't do anything with me, but if i take an initiative and ask someone, then he will see them by himself afterwards. and i just give up.

hey philmore. u know i have talked to u enough that i am just plain embarrassed to be spazzing in front of u.

January 2, 2006
3:33 am
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this is a simple thing . i talked to u last night and i feel like we are friends. i feel like i know where i stand with u. BECAUSE my husband isn't in the middle of it.

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