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Change to Hope
October 23, 1999
1:18 pm
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daizy
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I see a beautiful chair. Hand crafted, very detailed work - one of the best around. As time has passed, the beauty of the chair was hidden. The chair looking old and worthless passed through many hands. Many times they would try to bring new life back to the chair, but they would only cover the true beauty of the chair by cover it with a quick fix of paint. The covering of paint never lasting long, so the chair would be passed along again. Looking abused, the chair sits next to a garbage can, ready to be disposed of. A person passing by takes a good hard look at the chair and seeing the beauty that lies within. With much time and hard work, this person cared for the chair and stripped it of all the coatings of paint. It took time to rid it of all it's years of abuse, but finally, there sat the chair looking more beautiful than the day it was created.

You see, we all have the choice to either face up to our problems or slap a temorary fix of paint to cover our pain. That paint will wear off soon enough, then once again, we will feel the pain we thought we had covered up. To get back to our natural beauty, we need to shed the layers of abuse we have gained through our life.

October 23, 1999
1:28 pm
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kitten
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how do we do that by ourselves? Even the chair had someone to help it along.

October 24, 1999
12:36 am
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lost soul
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Well to be precise, the "toxic" person don't seem to be "toxic" at all initially.Like my case, I try not to choose a "toxic" person to be my husband.He was nice and sincere at first, at least, he had been nice for a few years.
Then he gradually change to another type of person whom is hard for me to except that facts.Recently,excepting the fact that he is a " not so good husband" is easier for me to come to term with.
I am not saying that i will put up with his nonsences.I told him that if he don't change,one day when i can't take it anymore.I will separate from him,and i mean real business.He knew my type too, so he is asking me to give him time to change.Normally, he will comes home in the morning or don't come back at all,but recently he did not stay out at all.Only once or twice a week he asked to have sometime with his friends.
Should i give in for that?My consent is,its OK to have his own times with friends, but I do not wish that he uses this time for flirting, or worst still, keeping the affair going on.

October 24, 1999
10:43 am
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KTHOMAS
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Daizy...your chair story is wonderful and so very true. I am finding this to be my story...I am in counseling doing just that, stripping the layers of paint away one by one. This is a most painful journey for me...and yet I know it is necessary for my healing to be complete. That I may one day be more beautiful then the day I was created.

Kitten...we don't do this by ourselves. I don't think it would be attainable as the pain makes me want to run and bury it again. My counselor (Jane) is helping me...by encouraging me to look at what caused me to put each "layer of paint" on my chair in the first place.And once I can understand the why...I can finally deal with the situation in a healthy way instead of covering it up with "paint" or masking my emotions from those times.

Lost Soul...Hope...lift your head up. The healing does come from within us first...and it does take time. And sometimes, we are not able or ready to let go of our pasts...it is who we are and what we are made of in a sense. And because we were given up on as children...not considered and tossed aside...we in turn will do all in our power not to give up on people, whether that be our own children, husbands, boyfriends or just friends. We don't want to toss them aside and make them feel unloved....because we know the pain of that. We want to give them all the support and love that we never got and know that if we had...maybe things would have been different. So we give and we give...but sometimes the person we are giving to...doesn't know what to do with it. And they abuse our love and misinterpert what we are giving as control and nagging. Does that make them bad? Not always...they are the way they are because of thier pasts also. BUT...we can't help them to see that and we must accept that. I don't mean accept the abuse...I mean we are not trained as therapists or counselors and men already have a hard time opening up as it is let alone to a mate.

The secret is the healing within ourselves...to concentrate on that and as we do heal...the other answers of do I stay and make it work or do I leave and go on...will come. We inside will know what to do. No one can tell us when or how to do it. Only we can. And when that time comes...there will be no doubts or insecurities about our decissions. So take it one day at a time...minute by minute...this day will come. There is HOPE. šŸ™‚

Sorry I ran on and on. This is for myself as well and I guess I just needed to put it all into perspective.

Blessings and Hugs...Karin

October 24, 1999
10:24 pm
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Anonymous
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BEAUTIFUL karin, as we help each other here we also help and heal ourselves....has anyone noticed that, its a beautiful thing!
Someone asked, how can we heal such pain alone, "even the chair had someone to help it" well that chair was recreated by......well ummm I know this will sound corny but "the creator":):):)
I know god not in temples or churches but in the silence of my heart and in nature and in the beautiful eyes of my children...(just thought i would add that in, my own:) I dont want anyone here thinking im some religious fanatic or anything.
We all find god in our own way and in our own times, just remember everyone, we are NOT alone..kitten:)

October 24, 1999
10:26 pm
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Anonymous
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oh that was supposed to say BY "the creator" We co create along with god everyone,,,,,,its true..:)

October 24, 1999
10:36 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Not corny at all Tears...very very true. Shedding our old ways of being is like a rebirth in a sense. I do believe in God. Whom ever or What ever he may be...he did create me...I used to wonder why he created me all the time...but when I see my children, I know I too had a place on this earth...a purpose. No matter what higher power each of us believes in...the meaning is the same...at least I think so. šŸ˜‰ (that was a wink)
lol...

October 24, 1999
11:30 pm
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kitten
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thank you. I have to remember that we are here to help each other. What is that saying about forgetting the goal and just appreciating the journey along the way?
You all are a part of my beautiful surroundings--I am beginning to see that dark is just another shade of light. I won't promise to keep standing every day, but I will promise to try and get up if I'm knocked down!

October 25, 1999
10:57 am
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lost soul
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kitten, I like that"try and get up if I'm knocked down".
Karin, thanks!
I am taking things one day at a time...minute by minute...Honestly these few days have been quite "peaceful" for me.(I am not to sure whether is it because my husband have not been "rocky")This is what i asked for life actually.Peaceful is the word for life that I have been serching for these years.
I must agreed with tears that if you choose to be a "doormat" people happily steps on you.
I don't want to be a "doormat" any more.I want to be a person with dignity.
Actuaully, I have been benefited ever since I found this site.In fact,I look forward to read from you guys everyday.It is so "enriching".

November 7, 1999
3:45 pm
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lost soul
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Hi Where is everone?

November 7, 1999
4:03 pm
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kitten
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Hi Lost Soul(Hope)
It seems all of us are going thru some hard times...
maybe it is the change of seasons. How are you? What is going on in your life? I must admit, when I post on the weekends and few answer I get jealous. I begin to feel like the only one who isn't having fun. Tell me how you are feeling?

November 7, 1999
5:08 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hello Lost Soul...I am here checking. The weekends do seem quiet on this site. Probably because there isn't as much privacy. I know my nine year old is in my office every time a commercial comes on or he starts to get bored. And being the only child at home...that is often. And I guess we are all having a hard time. Do you think it is because the Holidays are approaching? Yes...and the weather is depressing too.

But...It sounds like you are doing better. This is good. Take care...

November 9, 1999
9:12 am
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lost soul
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Thanks friends ( Kitten & Kthosmas )
I am fine! Just kind of missed you guys.Thats why I am asking where is everyone.

November 9, 1999
6:55 pm
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VRJ
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many people only have access at work too. Thus the weekend silence.

November 29, 1999
2:08 pm
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lost soul
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HI FRIENDS OUT THERE!!!! HOW ARE YOU GUYs GETTING ON ?
ELL I DID FOLLOWING UP SOME THREAD LIKe FOR KARIN,AND KITTEN. There are great people out there.

Take care my friends,Will update you when I am ready.
:);););):)

February 4, 2000
1:23 pm
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lost soul
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Hi,
Its been a long long time since I last update this " change to hope" Yes "hope" has been with me since last few months----till today I still think there are "hopes" for everyone out there who needs it!!!!!.
Just that, I feel an urge to update my friends out there of my feel!. i am a chinese.so, 36 years ago i was born in thisworld with the faith of abandonment. In chinese custom. this year is a symbol of my year " dragon".

For those who have follow my thread, who knows my storey, this is an update.

I am doing fine for the last few months. but occasionally. i do come to this site to check up how are my friends doing. apparrently,its seems "cool''.

But there are quite alot of new "hot" topics out there.
Here, i like to sent my best wishes to them, and hope that they find the right answer to their " queries"

February 4, 2000
1:48 pm
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lost soul
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I do not know how to to continue? how to unwrapped myself further? It is so full of miseries. so full of sadness and sollow. It seems that it is so unreal. But it is my storey.

I was chased out of my house again. I went to stay with my" bilogical" mother. I dont feel at home at all. I feel that Iwas staying with a group of stranger. They are always out, no communications , no love. I feel real emthy.

i have to get back home. So, i apporach my grandmother " my adopted grandmother, " Please allow me to come back and stay with you and "ma" I will quit school, get an incomeand contribute to the family. I got to get "home" but end up working in a bar as a hostress, at the age of fourteen.

Sad right? I didn't think of it at that time, but today, when i thought of it, my heart is feel with sollow for the "girl" whos was only 14 years old.

At this time, I am not able to continue any further, My hearth is full of sollow. I will continue with this sad and tragic storey when I am ready.

My sinceres regards to all of you out there, we will make it through, no matter how difficults.

February 4, 2000
4:12 pm
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mnms
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HOPE,
I see a strength in you, and, yes, you are right. We will make it through. And while we are making it through, it is okay to be sad, or angry, or confused. We have a right to mourn about what happened in our pasts; and we will mourn, and we will move on and live our lives even better; because now we have a chance to save ourselves. I believe in you. You, and the rest of us... yes, we will survive.

February 4, 2000
9:41 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hi Hope...I have been thinking about you...funny that you posted today. Sometimes it is good to remember where we have come from...painful and all...

I am hanging in there. Trying not to really think about what lies ahead of me...to much if you know what I mean. So I am living in the moment...which can be good or bad. But it is all I am capable of at this time.

Please keep in touch. I have missed your sweetness.

Karin

February 4, 2000
11:54 pm
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kitten
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Hope,

I will be bold and speak for both Karin and myself by saying we are here with open arms for you. Right Karin? If you need love and support let us ALL know. There's enough room for everyone on the couch. Snuggle up and share. We're ready to listen.

I missed you, too! Glad to see you are back.

k

February 5, 2000
10:45 am
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KTHOMAS
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Hope,

Yes...Kitten and I are here for you honey. So do keep in touch.

Karin

February 6, 2000
2:57 am
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lost soul
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Thanks Friends,
sometimes, what have happened in our life will live with us forever. althought we try to work for different kind of life styles that we desire, it is a "shadow" which live with us, the moment we are weak, "this shadow" will seems to be "bigger" and "clearer".My "shadow" don't always appear, but it does sometimes.

February 6, 2000
9:49 am
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kitten
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Hope,

Happy New Year! I think the Year of the Dragon will prove to be a good one

Remember, Hope, we have to embrace the shadow self...to be whole. There is a book called "Romancing the Shadow" by Connie Zweig. I've read it a few times...it has helped explain a great deal to me. After all, the light comes out of the darkness. You are a strong, beautiful woman. We believe in you!!!

k

February 6, 2000
11:08 am
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KTHOMAS
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That is another book I must find and read. I run from my shadow. I want it to leave and not darken my doorway again. But I guess that is not realistic.

I am on a bit of a down. Minor set back. The saying..."tomorrow is another day" comes to mind. Talk to you tomorrow.

Karin

February 7, 2000
12:13 am
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lost soul
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Hi Kitten & Karin
Thanks for the recomendation, i will look up for it the next time I visit the book store.
Hey, Karin
"set back" is sometime there to challenge us,I believed that you will manage to pass on this one as you have passed on so many before.( like we all did, right ? )
If there is tomorrow, there will always be lots of Hopes for everyone of us!!! We lead our own life, we decide our own path, we built our own future. If there are someone nice to share, its great!!! but if there isn't any.its fine,somehow we can stand alone by ourself.
Hope you will feel better after reading this.
cheers:)

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