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Caught between Wife and parents
April 15, 2000
1:25 am
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janu
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I am trying to come of one fix. My parents expects something from me and my wife has some expectations from me . In most of the cases these expectations are clashing with each other . B'cause of this I am getting in a fix. And by nature I try to please the person in front of me i.e. by nature I am very uncomfortable if the other person does not like my actions/thoughts.

B'cause of this both my wife and my parents are unhappy with me. I am totally dipressed with this.And day by day this problem is getting bad to worse. Sometime I feel to run away from this. But at the same time I know that both wife and my parents are dependent on me .

What to do ?

April 15, 2000
8:21 am
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Hick
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What is it that you want to do? What is you're opinion in this situation? When answering this question, if you can, try not to take into consideration anyone but yourself. (I know this can be hard to do when you have people that you feel are dependant upon you!) It could be an idea to take a pen and paper and make a list of Pros and Cons to each opinion, that of your wife and that of your parents. Obviously your wife is your life partner, she has some priority in the situation but then your parents are important to you also. At some point though, try to think, where do I come in to all of this. Am I (you) important enough to myself that my own opinions count.

I hope that these thought processes are of some help to you.

April 15, 2000
10:26 am
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janes
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"And a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife". Bible.

Now look at "by nature I am very uncomfortable when the other person is unhappy with me" This is very codependent behavior....you seem to be getting your personal validation from outside of yourself (parents and wife) rather than from inside of you where it should be coming from

We are the generation that will be called upon to care for our aging parents and it is going to be a real balancing act.

What are these people dependent upon you for...finances, errands, emotional support, someone to order around? What are you doing for them that they could be doing for themselves?

What if you died tomorrow? Would they survive? Who would care for the three of them then?

And..if they need you so much..why are you feeling so badly about it?

April 17, 2000
2:56 pm
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infaith
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Your first responsibility is to yourself, honor your own feelings, KNOW YOUR OWN FEELINGS, EXPRESS YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND STAND BY YOUR OWN FEELINGS. YOU WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE THESE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS UNTIL YOU YOURSELF CAN RESPECT AND HONOR YOURSELF, YOUR PARENTS, WIFE AND ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS ARE EXPRESSIONS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

April 18, 2000
11:27 am
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Cici
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I have some conflicts with my fiance's parents, not because they dislike me, but because they still think of their son as their child rather than a man who supports himself on his own terms. They still ask him to visit them for one or two weeks even though he has a job and really doesn't want to spend his vcation time at his parents' house.

In the beginning of our engagement, after I had visited them a few times and they were calling him and asking him to do this, that and the other for them, I realized that he was torn, but I was angry, too, because I'm trying hard to make our family, I don't want to be just part of someone else's family. I was angry because I left my parents home and I am no longer beholden to them. It was painful for them to let go, but once I established myself as an independent person who can and does support herself, they saw me as an adult. They ask me to visit on weekends, which I willingly do, butnothing more.

I just wish my fiance would do the same for me. But he's so wishy-washy, he won't put his foot down and show his parents that he is an independent adult. It really puts a strain on our relationship and is the cause of almost all our disagreements.

I just waned to put in the other perspective. Your parents are important, but at some point your relationship should change at least a litt.e I know how hard iis to care for an elderly parent. During my early college career I lived at home to help my mother care for my father, who is 70 and terminally ill, but my father took me aside and told me to live my own life because that's why they made me in the first place. It was the most wonderful thing he could ever have said to me.

April 20, 2000
8:08 pm
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infaith
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cici, glad to hear your father said such a special thing to you, releasing you to your own happiness.
Your fiancee still needs to mature, his immaturity and lack of assertion is causing the problems with his parents and you.
Hopefully he will realise this, until he does, know that you are right to want him to yourself as you do.
I hope the best for you.

April 20, 2000
8:09 pm
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infaith
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as oscar wilde says " a man who does not think for himself, does not think at all"

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