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Catholic Church, Catholic mothers and making one feel 'Guilt'
May 27, 2007
12:36 pm
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red blonde
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I was baptized Catholic, then something happened when I was around 5 of 6 and my parents changed their "religion" but KEPT all the trappings of their being born and raised Catholics. Before I was married to my first husband I went through a crash course in becoming a Catholic...again.

My mother was extremely abusive to me in all ways when I was a child. One abuse (which I am not going to go into right now) stopped before 7th grade, all the other abuses continued.

She demasculated my father. Was a master of making us feel guilt or guilty of something and of domineering and controlling the family.

I have seen this trait in other people's mothers and even girlfriends who are around my age who are Catholic and do the guilt thing with their children, though not as extreme as my mother. (I don't have children.) I have called them on a few things and they have gotten a bit angry with me.

This has been bugging me: Is the Catholic religion a guilt based religion and does it "teach" people the use of guilt or how to manipulate with using guilt, etc?

Since I did not 'grow up' in the Catholic faith but had parents that did

May 27, 2007
12:55 pm
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red blonde
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oops, didn't finish that sentence.

And now I have lost my train of thought.

believe it was:

I have always had trouble saying 'no' to people, had trouble voicing what my wants and needs are when I am in a relationship, have felt guilty and miserable when they make me feel like I haven't lived up to their expectations or do not want to do what they want to do or want me to do, and have trouble making decisions for fear of offending someone, because they either do not want me to do that or because they want to make the decisions for me. I fear their anger and feel guilty (I guess) about that.

May 27, 2007
8:09 pm
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Rasputin
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RB ~

I'm sorry you've had negative experience with the Catholic church. It is not a question of Catholic or Protestant church that really matters. I've had negative experiences from both churches and ended up choosing one that suited my needs and expectations.

What I can say about this experience is that there are better churches out there from all denominations regardless to being Catholic or Protestant and someday it would help you to outline your wants and needs and settle for a good church regardless to its denomination or your personal preference.

Best of luck in your quest for the right church!!!

May 27, 2007
8:22 pm
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fantas
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Having grown up in a strict protestant family myself and also having a very abusive mother for the majority of my young age, I can say that in general the way people, churces, ministers etc. have chosen to interpret the Bible is very guilt inducing and perfection seeking. Therefore, people follow what they are taught. It's less about the Scriptures and more about interpretation. But personally I think there are just too many control freaks out there using the church as an excuse to hurt people...

May 27, 2007
8:25 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Hi Red

I was raised Catholic and have worn the hairy little coat of guilt all my damn life.

My mother didnt actually set out to make me feel guilty or bad, but everything and everyone else around me seemed to. The nuns in my convent school, the priests at confession, the teachers who would cane us for the slightest misdemeanor. And being the daughter of divorced parents seemed to almost make me Rosemary's baby!!!

I could talk at length about how bad being raised catholic was for me but I know many others have found solace in the faith so I refrain.

But I too have spent my life unable to ask to have my needs considered. I do things I dont want to do for fear of offending and am terrified of anger. And yes, I always feel guilty.

But i am really trying hard to change

May 29, 2007
10:33 am
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atalose
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My mother who was raised Catholic also used quilt to get her way. Not sure if it's a Catholic thing or just that age group growing up with repeated behaviors from their own parents.
My mother is extremely codependent uses quilt and manipulation to get her way. She also turns herself into the martyr and plays the poor pitiful me act quite well. She projects her fears on others. She takes full responsibility for others actions and behaviors such as my dad’s drinking. She feels SHE has controlled his drinking and can continue to lie and manipulate him not to drink. She came with me to about 5 al-anon meetings and then realized they were not going to give her the magic spell to stop his drinking and instead the focus was on her and her behavior and she wanted no part of that and refused to ever go back. She resented me for going and resented me more for being able to walk away from my dad while he was drinking and that I was not allowing him to engage me in fights as he had before. She would say things like “if I have to put up with it then so do you”. She once said to me “use good old fashioned quilt it works ever time”. I was having a situation with my 17 year old son at the time. I turned to her and said “Mom, quilt is the most horrible hurtful and unloving weapon to ever use on anyone.” then I walked away. All her attempted quilt trips on me after that failed and I pointed every single one of them out to her and told her how hurtful and unloving she was being. That is not what a martyr wants to hear and soon that behavior from my mother towards me stopped. She still attempts it especially with my kids, guess old habits are hard to break and I continue to tell her every time and she just walks away and sometimes holds a silent and cold grudge but that soon changes when she wants me to do something for her.
All I can do is not repeat those behaviors in myself and towards others.
But it being a Catholic thing I am not so sure about I tend to lean more towards that generation and ill passed on behaviors.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 29, 2007
2:20 pm
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red blonde
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Thanks everyone for their input.

I am going to check into a book that someone recommended called "IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING" by George K. Simon (I think). If it is worthwhile reading, I will let you know.

I have had trouble all my life making my own decisions. Not so much business wise - but life wise. I want to learn to make decisions on my own without asking what others would think. My decisions have always been based on other people, how they would feel, what they would do, how it will affect them - never about how I felt, or thought, etc. Now indecision or procrastinating on a decision is becoming a problem with me. Sometimes I just feel 'paralyzed', second guessing my decisions and this is not good, especially now that I am on my own, living on my own, due wrong decisions in relationships, etc. Perhaps it is also the feeling of being overwhelmed by things that I have to do by myself and what I want to do now that I am alone. Plus I am going over in my head (probably should write all this down) all the things I did or didn't do because of someone else making me feel guilty or interfering with my decision making abilities. Anything is worth a try right now.

Perhaps there is a bit of depression mixed in with all of this.

Don't know.

May 29, 2007
2:30 pm
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on my way
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red,
If it is any consolation, I grew up in a church that told me I was going to go to hell, and scared the bejeebies out of me. While these people meant well....they were very misinformed and should have known that you can't scare someone into a personal relationship with JC.

But I can relate to your other feelings that you mention, but mine came from growing up in an alcoholic family where my feelings literally were not paid too much attention too....and I was the 'peacemaker', nd knew NOT to make waves as there were already storms moving through my family or brewing all of the time. I grew up thinking that way, so have had to seek a personal relationship with JC that now works and helps me to see myself and matters more clearly. But I have been where you are and am still so to some degree when it comes to some of my family meembers. I just try not to be false and try to be genuine. Learned behavior is hard to re-learn....I think it takes someone who loves you and is willing to understand that about you, someone who compliments you naturally so that you can't help but be "loved into" who you are....does that make sense?

May 29, 2007
3:19 pm
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bevdee
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Red

There are alot of people that feel the way you do.

YOu can google - recovering from... christianity, catholicism. It's amazing what is online. Here is one -

http://www.exchristian.net/tes.....anity.html

May 29, 2007
5:16 pm
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on my way
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but bevdee....and red...

not all Christians are fanatical. :), but Catholicism is a religion of rules and regulations. I wasn't raised a Catholic but a Baptist, then when 17 yrs old chose JC...it's better that way! 🙂

This thread may need to be moved to LIBS/

May 30, 2007
10:43 am
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glittered when he walked
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No, guilt is not solely a Catholic thing, nor is it part of the dogma. Dysfunctional people pervert a lot of things, and religion is a great tool for them to do so.

I'm rather bitter about organized religions...to me i see them doing more harm than good (as people pervert them so) and most of them don't work for me. But, i suppose if some are used truly as a righteous and individual way to find a path to God, then there is greatness there as well..i just need to work past my bitter experiences with organized religion. i see it work for some people. IMO, most religions have the same CORE, love of God, love of others via selflessness, and love of self - the real trinity if you ask me.

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