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Casual sex? Recovery or mistake?
May 24, 2004
4:28 pm
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why me 32
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I have a big question guys. I went out Saturday night, just to see how it is to be single. I've never gone out by myself. So, to make a long story short, I met a guy at the club. There was an instant attraction between us. We talked until the club closed, and so we could keep talking, I went home with him. You know what happened next. The thing is, I'm trying to recover from the very long relationship with my ex-husband, and I don't believe in one-night stands or casual sex. I can't say I feel very bad about it, though. It was hands down probably the best sex I've ever had in my life. We went on into the morning, ya' know. Great stuff. We said our goodbyes and maybe I'll see you sometime, and that was that, and I'm cool with it.

So, is this part of recovery, maybe, or a mistake that I need to try to avoid? I'm very new to being single and don't plan on repeating this sort of activity, but WOW, my eyes are open now. I thought my husband hung the moon...NEGATIVE.

What's the consensus?

May 24, 2004
4:59 pm
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angel1
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Hey why me 32....
I can relate..I'm 46..and when I came into recovery I was 31..I had never been single either..I went from home to marriage..and I didn't know where to begin..I felt very lost like I had been living in another world...being single is very different from being married all the rules change...there isn't any..It took me a while to adjust and I really didn't like the single life..very hard to trust people..it got very boring to me..I understand the sex part too..I had never had a one nite stand either..at that time in my life I didn't want to be attached but I still wanted sex every know and then so I did what I had to do..I had a few one nite stands...then decided it was not for me..I met someone and dated him for a few years..then dated another guy for a few years and then in 2001 I got married again..we never know what direction we will go..life is very unpredictable...we just try our best to stay strong and believe in our selfs..trust in God...and do what is right for us...Angel1

May 24, 2004
6:40 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Why Me,

This is coming from overly cautious, protective and maternal Zinnie.

Sometimes a gal just has to get her ya-ya's out!

I heartily agree that I would not encourage a continuing episode of this, and I hope you brought the condoms if he didn't have any - AND remember, that will not protect you from genital warts...

After my first husband died, and I moved here to Texas a few months later, I met a really nice man. He was going through a divorce, I was newly widowed and only 25. We had a lot of fun together and there were no promises of attachment or anything else.

I can't even tell you the "why" it ended, it just did. I have always wished him the best. I ran into him a few years ago... after all this time. I was eating lunch one day by myself away from the office - just to get out. I hear this familiar voice "Zinnie?"

We caught up and talked. He had never remarried. Told me my husband was a lucky guy. We hugged good-bye in the parking lot. We did not exchange numbers or "promise to keep in touch" - but, I will forever think of him very fondly.

Zinnie

May 24, 2004
7:35 pm
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whyme85
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WHYME,
I had the same thing happen to me. My ex left me for a friend of mine and hooked up with her. After going into severe depression one night a girlfriend called me up and wanted to know if I wanted to go hang out with some guys she knew that were having some people over at there apt...i blew it off and eventually called her back with the mindset of "I need to get laid, I'ma get some tonight...F*** my ex" SOOOOO UNLIKE ME! My ex was my one and only, both lost our virginites to eachother, etc. So long story short I got drunk as a skunk and had a one night stand. You definetly cant look at it as recovery. My ex told me he was thinking about me everytime he was having sex with her and I thought about him when I was having sex with this guy. Im not sure if u did the same. I think u have to keep a middle ground outlook on it. People are sexual in nature and we have wants and desires that need to be fulfilled. The mistake is when you purposely have sex with someone with the intention of getting over your ex...thats where the problem is.

May 24, 2004
8:24 pm
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why me 32
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Angel, Zinnie, Whyme85 - thank you all for your responses. Zinnie, that's exactly what I did. I got my ya-ya's out. Then again, I got my ha-ha's out, my wa-wa's, you name it, I got 'em out. I even hurt my shoulder, don't ask how. I type for a living, so it was difficult to work today. I don't think I can get partial disability for a sex injury, so I just have to deal with it, I guess.

My head is still in the clouds, and I feel like a new woman.

See you guys.

May 25, 2004
10:57 am
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gingerleigh
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ROFL! That's great, to come away from a really fun night like that with a little souvenier. Whether it's a bruise, a strain, or some sore muscles, it's a fun little reminder of the ya ya's from the night before. Enjoy the afterglow. *smile*

May 25, 2004
11:19 am
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NOLAcy
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Well, I am a gay man. In my "community" casual sex is the standard if you are not in a committed relationship and unfortunatley, sometimes even then it is still the standard. I two just came out of a long relationship. I two have had some casual sex - and it has been very therapeutic. To go from feeling totally inadequate and belittled by my partner to having other attractive guys find me desirable, has really helped my confidence. The key is this: be careful to NOT let your body become your ONLY tool in navigating through the social scene. After a while it will tear you down. Humans have sex - humans also need love and affection. There is a balance.

May 25, 2004
11:40 am
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NOLAcy
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oopps - I meant "too" not "two" oh well - casual sex will also make you dislexic.

May 25, 2004
7:37 pm
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why me 32
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Twinks, if I had the money to fly the man over "the pond," you bet I would do it. He was too good not to share. I mean it. I believe that man has one purpose in life, and that is to give pleasure to lonely women. It worked for me, let me tell you. It was so nice to be wanted, told that I was beautiful, told that I was sexy, kissed, touched...rated XXX from there on.

Nolacy, you're right about the boost of confidence. I'm walking around proud as a peacock right now. Two days later and my head is still in the clouds.

Bye guys...have a great day!!

May 25, 2004
7:59 pm
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rio
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Why me - I'm JEALOUS!! 🙂

May 25, 2004
9:29 pm
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Zinnie
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In the words of Steve Martin from "Father of the Bride"

... "don't forget the condoms!"

Please... be safe while having fun.

Z.

May 25, 2004
10:08 pm
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why me 32
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We had three condoms in between the two of us, but we "stretched" them out pretty well. I had two of them. I have been picking them up in gas station bathrooms lately, just in case, and they worked just fine. No breakage or anything. My two were green, however, which I guess can be expected from coming out of a gas station bathroom. I don't know if he noticed or not, as it was just a matter of putting it on while he was looking at me, kissing me, etc. He probably had a few chuckles to himself in the bathroom when he took them off, though.

I think I'm going to write about that experience, really. There is SOOOO much more to sex than the act, ya' know. I sure never thought I would have such a mountain-moving experience, such that I would even think about writing it down and submitting it to a magazine.

Zinnie, thanks so much for your input. I would never be able to tell my own mother about what happened, so your "matriarchal" and protective view is quite welcome and reassuring.

In the words of Bill and Ted, "Be excellent to each other, dudes."

May 25, 2004
10:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Seems I tend to become everyone's "Mother" - even today, my first day on the job... that's another story.

Anyway - oh boy... this tells how old I am. But, when Mr. Wonderful and I broke up, he was my ONLY partner at that time. You know what? He was a legend in his own mind. Actually, he was very sexually abusive, but again that was another story. But, when it was only "sex" - I got a whole half a minute. His idea of foreplay? "Wanna f***" - what a guy. No wonder he has been married seven or eight times. Anyway, although I tend to lean toward monogamy, I dated and was intimate with a few different people before meeting and marrying my first husband. What a crock I almost fell for.

I'm glad that you are enjoying yourself. But, again - just be careful.

Z.

May 25, 2004
11:33 pm
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Wanttobewell
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It's easy to do. But I didn't have a good experience. I felt awful afterwards. Of course, sometimes I believe I invented guilt. LOL...
Glad you had a good time though. Just be really careful. There are some mighty sick puppies out there.

Being single after a long time of being married is fun though!!! Glad you got to "stretch your wings." W.

May 26, 2004
10:27 am
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lewis
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Howdy 🙂

I was a late developer when it came to sex stuff, So when it finally happened, i thought ' oh' & then i met a bloke and we did the it quite a few times, the relationship didn't last, & through my heartache i had a few one nighters, i remember thinging, why am i not feeling guilty? instead i fely quite liberated. : ) ??????

zinnie is right though, stay safe 😉

May 26, 2004
5:04 pm
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painey
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Watch for the ones that say all they want is a casual relationship and then turn you into their secretary, mother, chef, personal therapist, etc: and in the end you are drained.
Then they say it is all your fault because you got too involved.

I don't know...guess I am still freshly wounded.

Sorry

May 26, 2004
9:50 pm
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Zinnie
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What really got me was that "Mr. Wonderful" always bragged about "how great he was in the sack" - I think THOSE are really the ones to watch for.

When I started dating my husband, it was like "WHAT????? THIS IS WHAT ALL THE TALK IS ABOUT!"

But, yes "Mother Zinnie" is still saying - please, please be safe. Not only about using condom's, but just "picking up" someone too. I mean, they could be anybody.

Z.

May 27, 2004
4:43 am
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lewis
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oppps sorry for my poor writing!

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