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Can't trust others, feel stuck and helpless
May 23, 2001
12:23 pm
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skimbleshanks
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Friend I work with - who has nothing to gain by making up stuff - told me she saw "him" sitting in a booth, on the same side in a restaurant. I asked - not confronted - but asked him. He became very angry and threatened to look her up and confront her for saying such things. Of course he denied it all. I don't know whether to believe him or not - it could be nothing, but why would he deny it if it were nothing?

I'm thinking about dropping this guy. It's hard being in a relaitonship where your trust is constantly challenged. i love him, and will sure miss him. Yet, I'm confused as to whether to ask for the truth and let him know I believe it is probably nothing. I think he's afraid of my anger and my breaking up with him, and that's why he lied and denied.

May 23, 2001
12:38 pm
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Molly
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Life is to short to waste time or this energy, and your instincts are telling you that. Molly says leave him alone, and get busy on productive things for you. If he calls he calls, if you want to jump in the sandbox with him, your choice, but ask your self why, what is so special about this guy, or is it the first time you have run into this and your caught up in a game with the chase? Make a list, start with how he would be a good husband and father to your children, and why he would not. I assume that is the basis of your dating him??????

May 23, 2001
3:35 pm
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skimbleshanks
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At my age men that i'm looking at right now are being studied as daddys and hubbys. And, if he can't be trusted and relied upon for me, then I certainly wouldn't test him out on my children.

Thanks for telling me what I need to hear. hmm... now how to break up with him?

He's special because he's different. I've never met someone who's as creative and intelligent. I have also not dated anyone who is an ex-alcholic and speed freak. it's been stretching my expectations and testing my toughness.

enough!!! I know where my limits are now. Now what?

May 23, 2001
9:10 pm
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Molly
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Just move on, don't call, don't go buy , and when he does, you have other plans. Sometimes those creative and appearing to be intelligent types have real dark sides, duh, ex alcohol, ex speed. this is clearly a just say no situation, your to young to try to clean up that mess, that sounds harsh, but really....... why if you don't have to there are enough problems that naturally creep up on people that don't allready have a track record. We need to make a check list of what to look for in a person, and how to do the whole dating thing. so you can do that while ignoring his calls, if the buggar does, he thinks he knows where to get what he wants when he wants it, he will call sooner or later.
When he does, don't go into your not my type, your not this your not that , just be busy, he will find some one that doesn't take as much effort, and damn shame there are pleanty of stupid women out there.

July 7, 2001
6:14 am
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Scott21
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September 27, 2010
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Be it from my childhood, or something recent, I've realized I have a very low self-esteem. I feel like a follower all the time and I hate it. When I'm alone and reflect (which I'm finding I do more often lately), I'm able to convince myself that I'm okay, but when the world hits me, I fall. In my social life, I can't even trust my friends. I feel like an outsider, like I'm walking on thin ice even though I've known these guys for a long time. I blame my laziness for me having a dissappointing, rather stressful life, but I'm wondering if it's just a lack of confidence. I feel like I'm living for others, and I often get concerned when I don't feel accepted. Useless, useless stress that is making me tired. Worst of all, I feel alone, as if the world has something figured out, some clearer state-of-mind, and I'm cursed to be depressed. I hate to sound pathetic, but I just don't know what to think about myself anymore.

July 7, 2001
11:34 am
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gingerleigh
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Hi Scott,

I'm not sure if a lot of people feel that way, but I suspect that they do. I'd like to share some of my experiences with you, perhaps it will give you another perspective or some encouragement.

I used to feel that way all the time. When I would walk into restaurants or department stores, I felt like everyone was staring at me thinking "what is *she* doing here? She doesn't belong here." If a salesperson would ask if they could help me find something I always assumed it was because they wanted me to leave and make room for the nice customers (as opposed to why they really were talking to me, so that they could make commission $$$). It got worse and worse, even feeling like I didn't deserve to walk on the beautiful streets of the city where I live, since that was reserved for the rest of the world who had everything "figured out", not me.

The good news is that I got over it, no drugs or shock therapy required. What got me to this point was turning a very sharp eye inward and examining everything about my life, and working through why on earth my self esteem would be so low. Everyone is different. For me, it was a lot of programming that happened in my growing up years, being driven to be the smartest, the fastest, the best, and never quite good enough. Once those messages were there, even when they stopped coming externally, I would replay them over and over internally throughout my teens and twenties, and each time I replayed the message it got more and more distorted and harsh. I gave myself absolutely no love or acceptance, everything had to come externally, which I am sure you can imagine led to some pretty messed up relationships. When the last major relationship crashed and burned and left me with nothing emotionally, that's when I hit rock bottom and started to search out the root of why I felt the way that I did.

I started counseling. I started to write. I realized that my entire life I made excuses for myself... "my background has made me what I am, don't blame me!" I realized that I needed to accept the responsibility for where I was in life and where I was going. I wrote out all of the behaviors of mine that I detested because they conflicted with my moral beliefs. Once I got those out on paper, it was easy to see why I didn't like myself... I was abusing my body and my soul, so of COURSE I didn't like me much. I drank too much. I smoked. I didn't exercise. I didn't talk to God anymore... the list went on and on. I made a pact with myself to make small changes every day to take better care of myself, do some damage control, and not worry about the core stuff at first. (I knew that would come later.) I made a list of the little changes I wanted to make, and read it every day. I started a moderate workout routine, limited my drinking, and quit smoking (discovered that I never really liked it anyway). I started talking to God once a day whether I felt like it or not. These were little changes... the "workouts" started as just a walk to the market each day. I limited my drinks to one glass of wine with dinner on any normal day, and 3 drinks if it was a "partying" night with friends (I didn't turn into a teetotaler). Probably the most drastic change was smoking, and I did that cold turkey. I just refused to buy any more, since when I did the calculations on how much the damn things cost I saw that there were lots of other ways I would rather spend that $4.50 a pack.

Once I got the toxins out of my body and started feeling physically better, I had more strength to look inward at my emotional health and start that work. And the more emotional work that I did, the more external work I was able to do. Once line of work strengthened the other, you see?

So Scott, you've identified that you are unhappy, your self esteem is low. When you feel like that, can you listen internally, and hear exactly what that voice inside is saying? Whose voice is it? Is it your parents? Your friends? A past relationship partner? What is the voice saying? Do you like the message? What would you rather the message be?

July 27, 2001
1:00 am
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larsen
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ive been depressed since i was on ridilin and know im still but im happy when helping others with there problems

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