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Can't stop hating the man I used to love
January 2, 2006
12:38 am
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hopeinhim
Lake Stevens, WA
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September 30, 2010
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Hi all,

My New Year's weekend was almost too mellow and restful. I think I would have preferred to be busy. But, I did not have to cook, clean, and there was no computer, TV, etc. And - it was pouring down rain although I went on some walks through the cabin area.

It struck me that I have lost 100% of the respect I had for my STBX. I seriously wish I never had to talk to him again. He totally deceived me about his feelings, who he was, and what his intentions were for 5 years.

But, then I am like - I picked him. I must have seen something! People can't be all bad.

And - this is really mature..........I keep fantasizing that he will go down in flames and be really miserable without me. Isn't that completely silly?

Just wondering if anybody else has those feelings.

January 2, 2006
12:54 am
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Ned 348
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September 30, 2010
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Feelings are a strange thing are they? Sometimes you feel jealous when you may not logically (to yourself) want to have those feelings or may not feel justified to have certain feelings.

But I guess it is part of the healing process. You go thru feelings of angier, denial, depression, etc. and finally after you grieve enough finally it becomes feeling of just not caring anymore. Too bad there isn't some way of getting to that point sooner.

But I would say that of course everyone has those feelings you expressed. It is really ashamed that he deceived you for all that time. In time I know you will heal and move on to something better.

January 2, 2006
1:25 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Hope,

It was dishonest to decieve you. That's not what sharing and partnership is all about.

Nope! Your feelings don't sound silly at all...

In fact they sounds quite familiar. I alternated between feelings of disappointment and rage for my ex for years until I managed to let go of all my expectations of him.

Today, when he calls to say I'm going to do X at X:00. I hear "There is a chance that I could do x today at x:00 but there is also a chance that I won't...soooo don't build your day around it darlin. ' . '

You know, my ex can actually be funny, and all around nice friend when there is no responsibility involved. Go figure?

I agree with Ned. You'll have to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve the broken promises and the deception and such. Feel the full range of your feelings. Then be open and willing to the lessons in all this. There's a saying uhhh "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

The feelings won't change over night, but they will change and you'll be stronger because you survuved them friend!

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