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can't sleep, thinking of him, anyone there
July 9, 2005
5:35 am
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tired, thinking of my ex. think we're both codependent. I broke up w/him a few months ago, just to give us some space for awhile. got back together after a week. then during the relationship he became distant & broke up w/me a month later after I found him w/another woman. I'm crazy cause I still want him. we haven't stopped communicating. says he still loves me.

July 9, 2005
5:56 am
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eufemia
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Now I know I wasn't the only one. I have a problem that compared to my divorced is tiny and ridiculous but is from work. I dealt with my divorce better.

July 9, 2005
1:26 pm
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SexySadie
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I am right there with you...same thing here. BF of 5 yrs has been in a state of depression and alcohol has gotten the best of him. We had a blow out 2wks ago and I had him leave to get himself together. What I thought would be for one night has now become 2wks and now is
already living and involved with another woman. Another enabler, but this one has a drinking problem also. My heart has broken in 2. I have barely eaten or slept in the past 2wks. I'm starting to wake up from the nightmare and pulling myself together as best I can. He's bringing her around our friends and now is also taking her out of town on a trip that a bunch of us are going on next week. I took over his business for him to let him pull himself together.

Just keeping my head above water and barely...I know I have to work on myself first and foremost and that I cannot continue to save him. But that he could crawl into the bed of another woman when it goes against everything he stands for. It makes me numb and sick to my stomach.

July 9, 2005
1:52 pm
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frayedknot
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SS

I'm sorry to hear your story.. It's like a broken record in this site. The names are changed but the circumstances remain the same. The alcoholic doesn't act rationally and has no concept of a healthy relationship. They are in a committed relationship with alcohol that they won't give up. They go from one relationship to another and the alcohol is always there for them. It won't ever turn them away or fault them. It only makes them feel better about themselves.. sick, but true. I will tell you what I've been told... Him leaving you for this other lady is the best thing that ever happened to YOU... It hurts now and it's difficult to believe. Let him go and maybe he will straighten himself out. Let the door with him close so a new one can be opened for you..

40

I don't have enough information to address your issue.. Generally, the codpendency comes from a dysfunctional childhood or relationship. Are there alcohol issues in yours and you ex's parents or othe dysfunctional family traits? Maybe give yourself a little more space from him.. Join the no contact club and let things sort themselves out for a while..

Frayed

July 9, 2005
2:02 pm
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SexySadie
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Thank you F. I appreciate it. It's just very tough. I know him better than anyone and know he is doing all this because of his pride and anger at me for asking him to go away for the night. But I know in my heart of hearts, that I had to stand my ground. I just don't understand how a man who doesn't believe in affairs, would find himself another woman in just 2 days. He didn't even know her, no one had ever seen her before she showed up with him. She was just at the bar when he went there and she took him home. She's married but just threw her husband out. The two of us are as complete opposites as could possibly be.

July 9, 2005
2:49 pm
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frayedknot
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Sexy

It doesn't sound like the two of them have a very healthy foundation to build on. They are both using each other for comfort... Two needy people who bumped into each other... that would be my guess. I have seen other posts on here where the ex has gone after someone that is, in the opinion of the rejected person, a cut or two below.. We can't control what they want... We can't understand why.. I'm still in a state of disbelief in my situation. We all are... Don't second guess your actions. It was bound to happen sometime.. You weren't happy... He's a mess..

It is tough... It's really tough... We're all consumed by it. You aren't alone. Keep posting and reading.. You will be surprised at the number of similar stories in here. Things will slowly get better for you...

Frayed

July 14, 2005
12:29 am
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July 14, 2005
2:28 am
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There is a drinkin problem. Kinda weird 2 read all these msgs bout alcohol...I didn't even mention it. B4 I met this guy, I had a divorce, broke up w/another due 2 verbal abuse. Wanted 2 swear off men & just get what I wanted, a baby. My last bf, handsome/smart. After 3rd mtg, I know it's crazy but...I asked if he was interested in tryin 2 have a baby. Didn't think we would have a relationship. Things progressed w/us during this time. Got pregnant. He was suppose 2 move in2 my place. So attentive, passionate, beautiful inside n out, a romantic. I thought, this one is it. Told me he didn't have much to offer but his gift 2 be 'true'. He would pride himself as an honest man. Thought mayb I paid my dues. Our work schedules were different, so we were always textin each other endlessly 2 feel we were together all times. Things went quick, in love like never be4 in such a small amount of time, fearless. Started to notice his drinkin habits. We were plannin 2 have a child so he slowed down. I started 2 stress myself out. I lost the baby. Didn't even make it very far. Drinkin & smokin cigs became stronger on both parts. Took his issues & made them mine. His weekends off of work were my weekdays so we would mostly party on his weekends. Noticed my lack of concentration from work, lack of sleep, tired. Thinkin w/a bottle of wine in hand, let him go FOR A WHILE to let him know u r serious. Told him we could no longer be together. I was too abrupt. When he drank, he really didn't change to a mean drunk, he was a stumblin/slurry drunk though. I never wanted him 2 leave permanently. He was crushed, extremly depressed. He text me after a week went by. We got back, never really talked bout the drinkin only how mean I was & how much I hurt him. Drinkin stayed & he became distant. 1 mo after, I felt it in my stomach. I confronted them (1st date) as he took her 2 his home. Been a month & 1/2 since then. He's not seein her anymore. Instead seein a therapist. We still keep in contact. I love him so much.

July 14, 2005
2:32 am
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July 14, 2005
4:06 am
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B4 I met him, I swore off men. Divorced/went thru a verbally abusive relationship. Just wanted 2 have a baby, be a single mom. He stole my heart, attentive, smart, handsome. Text constantly when we were apart. Said he didn't have much 2 offer but 2 b 'true'. Got pregnant. Love so strong in such a short amount of time. He wanted 2 make me happy & neglected a lot of his responsibilities. Then I noticed his bad drinkin habits. He did slow down. I lost the baby. I took his issues, made them mine. Drinkin & smokin was stronger in both parties. I was falling, lacked concentration @ work, no sleep, tired. I broke up, not wantin it 2 b temporary. After a week, he text me & we got back. Didn't resolve much. Talked bout how much I hurt him. He became depressed, resentful, distant. Felt uneasy, he said he was workin late I waited in my car & saw him take another gal home (1st date). I confronted them, very civil. Then left them there. Broke me. Went to work 5 hrs later. I'm slowly losin my job. It's been a month n a 1/2 since that night.

July 14, 2005
4:11 am
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Can't even think straight sent 2 messages!!!!!!! Am I needy?

July 14, 2005
5:13 am
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SS,

Our story sounds similar in a lot of ways. It's 1:30 am now. I don't get much sleep either. I've lost a lot of weight too. I'm happy to know that your gettin better, waking up. You seem like a strong mature person who can handle herself well. I don't think I would b able to see him w/another gal so quickly. Wish you can send me some of your strength 🙂

My guy was on the wagon for 10 days. He broke it. But he's on again. He doesn't want 2 commit. But I'm so there when whenever he wants...sexually too. Last Saturday I had gone out w/friends & ran into a drunk guy friend that my xbf dislikes. I could not let my friend drive home so he spent the night. Very innocent. I have a studio & one bed so we shared. My x came over to my place the next morning. Said he had a bad feelin I was w/someone. Well...it looked bad. I can honestly say my intentions were not like his when I saw him bring that gal home. I was always true to him. I'm again beating myself up though. Mayb if I put my friend into a cab or set him up in a hotel, might have been better. If he doesn't want me & insist he needs time alone, why does he string me along? I have spent the last 3 nights w/him. Behaved. When I feel I'm gettin strong enough 2 not communicate, he'll be the first to text. In fact, he just text me right now...it's 2am & he wants 2 thank me for washing his dishes. He could have told me that when I was there w/him, right? I don't want 2 not answer cause I feel when he gets better we can be talk bout things. What's goin on? CONFUSED. It's gonna be 2 months. I can't see myself w/o him! Codependent? I miss him.

July 20, 2005
11:21 pm
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sunshine1959
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Being with a drunk, two times now in my life, I must be terrible for saying this, but at times I wish I never would have gotten envolved, but again, my ex husband who was a drunk and a wife beater, hasn't been that way with his new wife, and isn't a drunk from what our son has told me many times. So, I was his whipping post, yes, it has hurt me tremendously, but he changed. He is a better father to his and his wifes daughter, a better father to our son, and a better grandfather. So, am I sorry, I don't know. I divorced him in 1986 after 4 years of abuse verbally due to alcohol, and physical, but he told me about 4 years ago, how he wished I would have been able to hang in there, and that losing me was what had changed him. Sounds like I am a martyr, but I hate that term. He is better, maybe not me, but he is. The guy I am with now, been for over 4 years. I wanted nothing more than to help him with his drinking, getting his license back, saving a long lost relationship with his teenage daughter. Guess what? He did stop drinking, he got his license, he started to pay taxes, child support, his daughter came to live with us recently for 4 months, he went to counseling with her, stood by her when she took an overdose, he stopped drugs. Am I sorry? I don't know. AM I in pain, yes, because he wants to leave me. Do I know why? Yes, cause I have controlled him for 4 years now, and he wants to venture out on his own. I am heart broken, I am scared. Was it all worth it with both of them? I don't know, I used to think yes at the sake of my sanity. Now I am 46, and I am more alone than ever. Am I sick?
You have to evaluate everything, and really be honest with yourself, but most of all, I do believe, I should have all the while, put God first, then I would have wanted a good man. A good man to me is one who thinks well of himself, so he does well. So, I should be thinking the same as my self.
Just my thoughts. Good luck to you. Hope this wasn't confusing.

July 21, 2005
1:15 pm
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Regret
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Sunshine 1959,

I am sorry you are/were going through so much pain. I just want you to know that sticking with someone through thick and thin is NOT (iam not yelling at you with the Capital letters) a bad thing at all.

However, in our bid to protect those we love, we sometimes overstep our boundaries and invade the other's space. They may hang in there with us during the period that they feel they cannot handle things on their own. But once they seem to have a grip on themselves, they tend to resent the control (although those who try to help may not even notice there is an element of control). At the end, due to their resentment, they leave. It is not fair since you helped them back on their feet. Yet, for their own healing porocess, they need to be able to get out of the nest and fly on their own.

I am really sorry you have to go through this. Yet, I believe that life is an educational institute and we never grow too old not to learn. So my advice would be that you use this hurting period to learn about yourself. What kind of personality do you have? What are the positive and negative aspects of your personality etc. If it is possible, ask your partner to let you know the things you did that made him feel you were controlling him. Sometimes, we need to hear some of the negative aspects of us from others (not to say that you did anything particularly wrong here).

I wish you all the best.

Regret

July 22, 2005
3:58 am
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Sunshine1959,
Thank you for your story. But I'm sick right now. Can't seem 2 get on the right track of healing myself properly. I don't want 2 let go. BF is no longer on the wagon & neither am I. I've been seeing him at least 3 nights a wk in the past couple of wks. We're back in the same hole. I'm hating myself. When I see him I try not to talk about us cause I know he'll be exhausted. Just like the rest of my friends when I seek their help. I'm suppose 2 spend tomorrow night w/him. Should I talk about this problem? Should I join the no contact club? I don't feel I need a drink every day like he does. Even alone he'll have a couple. He acts jealous around me bout other guys. There is no other guy. Just friends. He hasn't mentioned he wants me back. Being strung along again? I need 2 know...should I talk bout my hurt or should I just let it go? Is he bein like a lil boy who doesn't want anyone 2 play w/his toy but doesn't really want it? It's confusing. My heart actually hurts so much & I'm trying not 2 let it show when I'm w/him. Tomorrow is dinner & a concert...we have no other obligation. I should speak what's on my mind & just have no contact, right?

July 22, 2005
4:16 am
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Everyone here seems so strong & know what they want. I feel weak w/not much support 2 offer. Wish I was just as head strong. This is new 2 me. Sorry.

July 22, 2005
4:59 am
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will this end? hurt starts all over again. when he's not around I can't help but think he's w/another gal.

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