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Can't sleep...nervous about this week...revelation.
January 1, 2006
9:28 pm
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revelation
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Hi, just venting here. it 2.09am in Dublin. I can't sleep my mind is racing. Thank god that new years is over....now I feel like I'm walking into a whole other snowdrift! Tomorrow is 2nd of January, its the day that T will get the letter I sent him. The letter about the bill from the hospital...I've said in the letter that I'm coming to see him on the 3rd which is one year to the day since I had the first miscarriage. (I can't even begin to look back over 2005 as its like looking at another person's life....I've had 2 miscarriages???? I just never thought that could happen to me???) So...I have this impending doom about it all. Already over the new year the memories of the 3rd of Jan 2005 where in my head, waking up, the pain, the blood, the tears, how messed up my head was. I am afraid of his reaction when he gets this letter...I can almost hear him say "Oh Jesus" when he gets it...he'll curse me in his head anyway....to be honest I am so so terrified of going knocking at his door...I'm afraid of what he'll say...he'll make me feel like a nuiscance...I think he's in pain as well...well, the last time we spoke he seemed to be not handling the break-up or the miscarriage very well...that was about 1 month ago. I know he's trying to just forget about it and move on, so am I being fair to keep dragging him back to this situation? I've received no support from him about the miscarriage...and even after the first one he found it extremely difficult to express how he felt.

When I had the first miscarriage we were broke-up too...at first when I told him he ran away in shock...then a week later we spoke...then about three days later he calls me up sobbing, saying he just wants to hold me...saying he feels terrible for what I went through....I dunno...I'm not a mind reader...I don't know whats going through his head this time. I feel bad going asking him to pay for half the bill...he doesn't earn as much money as me....the bill is already payed, but when I wrote the letter last week, I was feeling that on principle he should pay half as it was his baby too...but I almost feel bad reminding him that it was his baby too...then when I refer to it as "My miscarriage" "My baby" he goes..."It was mine too" he always complained that everyone was always concerned about me, asked how I was doing, never how he was doing...then when I would ask "How are you doing" he found it difficult to talk about how he felt about the baby...he would just talk about how he felt about me...whether I was ok, how terrible that I went through this...so I dunno, it confuses me. Overall...I feel bad talking about it as our miscarriage, our baby, his baby...him being "the father" as I feel as though he'll see that as me trying to make him feel guilty or something...y'know what I mean? I'm confused about this...I'm confused about why I am dreading this day so much...I could just forget about it...why can't I just y'know trat it like any other ordinary day??? Well, because there is this cloud of sadness around it that I can't push away...and its been hanging over me since before christmas...that sort of sense of dread. Sorry, I'm rambling, I just wanted to vent about this.

I don't know if I have the nerve to go to his house.

I keep thinking, his parents and family probably hate me...but what reason would they have to hate me? Do they hate me because he's hurting? They didn't get to know me as well as he got to know my family. I feel that they are judging me negatively because of the state they see him in....and I don't think thats fair.

January 1, 2006
9:38 pm
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enoch
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revelation
Hi. I'm sorry that you area going through this. I wish that I had something to say that would help ease the pain.
I'll be here for a bit if you want to chat.
E

January 1, 2006
9:44 pm
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Thanks enoch...I'm ok, just feeling nervous, jumpy. I'm here on my own too...my sister is away for the weekend. I spent new years eve at my older sisters, she got me very very drunk, so I spent the day today with my head down the toilet and then lolling in front of the TV feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. I can't help but wonder what he did on new years, probably satyed in an moped...that makes me feel even more depressed!

January 1, 2006
9:48 pm
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I know what you mean about not wanting to be alone on NY Eve... it really is silly of me, but B was with her father in long island celebrating his 93rd birthday... All I could do was to think about her.

I didn't drink though... I have problems when I drink... I become even more pathetic, like a 4 year old wanting his mommy.

but like you lolling in front of the TV feeling very lonely and sorry for myself is really my forte...

IT SUCKS

January 1, 2006
9:54 pm
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yep....yep it does...but what else can you do. I couldn't face going out for a walk because T lives across the road. So enoch...a mans perspective...what do you think of T?

January 1, 2006
10:00 pm
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enoch
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I don't really know what to say... I can see the miscarriage being very tough on him too... I'm not discounting your feelings, just as a guy I would be overwhelmed at the thought of loosing a child.

As for the holding you part... I know exactly what that is all about... its a combination of wanting to love and not knowing how and wanting to be loved.

I'm curious about your relationship, he lives across the way from you? how did that come about?

January 1, 2006
10:13 pm
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I know...I know that it does upset him...he very sensitive y'know, but not good at expressing how he feels and not good at sorting out his feelings in his head...so he tends to try to block it out y'know?

I live in Dublin...I bought my own house in a souther suburb of Dublin 3 years ago and I bought it on my own....which is quite a common thing to do here...one you get to your late 20's. So, I know T since I was about 21, but just as an acquaintance...I kinda friend of a friend y'know? He was quiet and shy and moody, I was attracted to himon some level, but he was a bit mysterious so I didn't really bother getting to know him...back then I was too busy having fun! So, we hooked up about 2 and a half years ago...or maybe its closer to three years ago now? I am not originally from the suburb where I live now, but I moved here because all of my friends were from here...and just so happens he is from here too!

He still lives with his parents at 35 (which is a little unusual here) he's a musician and doesn't make much money so wouldn't have enough to get his own place. He has his hopes and dreams though. He lived with me for a while...now we've broken up...he's back at home....he lives down a short lane-way from my house. My house is in the middle of the scheme his is on the main road....so to go anywhere on foot I must pass his house.

January 1, 2006
10:21 pm
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seems like a delicate situation... having to walk by his parents house to go anywhere... I'd be a little freaked by it. It's really hard to make a living as a musician too... the arts are not known for paying well at all. does he have any other income? is he staying at his parents house till he finds his own place?

come to think of it, he will probably freak a wee bit if he has to shell out some money, if he has none... don't you have medical insurance?

January 1, 2006
10:26 pm
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Nope, no other income...well, he does have a trade, sometimes he goes out working with his dad for extra money. I have medical insurance but it only covered some of the bill.

I hate living so near, but I'm not moving! He is staying at his parents full stop! He's never had his own place, I think he'd be afraid to live on his own. See, he's got great intentions, he used to talk about us building our own house in the countryside...but he never seems to be able to get it together enough to change his situation. It did frustrate me when we were going out...we used to fight about him not working. He'd tell me he wanted to get a job so that he could buy a van, so I'd be encouraging him, pointing out ads in the paper...but then he'd say I was nagging...I dunno, sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong! It always seems that way with him...I can't seem to do anything right for him!

January 1, 2006
10:35 pm
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I think your right on target here. sometimes you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

B has a son who is like T. He is 22 and all he does now is to sit infront of a video game for 16 hours a day, then sleep...
A couple of years ago he showed up in the hospital and asked his mom for money to by a trailor... she gave it to him, and he left. He would show up at the beginning of the month to "borrow" money for the lot rent....B gave him money for the rent and for utilities. Then he would disappear for another month.

She finally cut him off and so what happens, the county put a tax lien on the property and the trailer park started to sue him for back rent, and the utilities cut off his electric....

It cost B a ton to bail him out... but he moved back into the house and has just left the trailor abandoned...

It really ticks me off when people freeload....

January 1, 2006
10:53 pm
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revelation... its getting very late here and I have to sleep...

I will check back in the morning to see how you are...

Take care... e

January 2, 2006
2:02 am
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Hi Rev!!

Happy New Year!! I hope you are feeling better (physically) after the miscarriage.

Have you ever thought about cutting your losses where T. is concerned, walking away and starting fresh??

With all due respect, isn't this the guy who turned his back on you when you were having the miscarriage and refused to help you? Isn't this the guy who went to your family and told them you lied about it? I mean, I could see why you would want him if he were kind, supportive and loving to you... but this guy has been so cruel and cold!!!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what do you see in him?... he is 35, lives with his mamma, always talks about what he wants but just sits on his broke a**?? (sounds like the lyrics to a song called "Scrubs.") And to add insult to injury, he's not even nice to you??

Honey, I have felt your pain and heartache... I've lived through pain and heartache and survived. But, what are you receiving from this relationship? What need is he fulfilling that you must have him in your life? Or, what is missing in you or your life that you think only he can fill?

I am not a counselor, therapist, or mental health professional. But, I think that talking to someone who is trained to help others would perhaps be beneficial for you?? I have been in counseling for close to a year and it has helped me so much in discovering who I am and why I do the things I do.

You deserve so much more!! You deserve support, love, kindness, respect; all of those kinds of emotions you would expect from a friend and hopefully even more so from a lover and potential mate.

Rev, I wish you all the best in the coming New Year. I wish you all of those things, much love, happiness & kindness.

Sincerely,

~~bonita

January 2, 2006
5:55 am
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Hi Revelayion,

Hope your feeling better.
I think you've done the right thing by writing to him.
Maybe it will force him to think things through properly. Not sure if your gonna get any financial support from him though! He doesn't sound like he has it to give even if he wanted to. Either way that's no excuse for not taking responsibility.

I have also just sent an e-mail to my ex.
He ended our relationship after 5 years exactly 35 day's ago and I'm devastated. I have cried my way through X-Mas & the New Year so today I decided to try a different approach.

I thanked him for his sms on New Years eve, told him I had had a good night and that being with friends & family over X-Mas had been good for me and I had finally figured out that he was right - we simply wern't right for one another.

I don't believe any of this but thought that maybe by turning the tables a little it might bring him to his senses.
So I know the nrevous feeling that you are experiencing right now. He won't get the e-mail till he returns to work on the 3'rd so looks like we are both in for a day of it.

Take care,
Relationship Failure

January 2, 2006
6:32 am
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((((Sweet Revelation))))

I am keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Keep posting & venting, it helps a lot!

XOXOXO

January 2, 2006
8:26 am
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Good morning Rev
hope you got some sleep and all is better today

January 2, 2006
9:56 am
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Rev,

I understand how desperate you are to understand this man... to make him HEAR you, to make him support you... to make him love you the way you want to be loved, but the sad truth is that we cannot MAKE anyone do ANYTHING they are not willing (or able) to do.

I believe that you need to try and get your support elsewhere. T simply does not have it to give!!! It's like milking a horse... you can squeeze and squeeze and squeeze, but you are never going to get any milk to come out!!! It simply is not there!!!! You need to find a cow, Rev! I know it hurts. I know you want him to feel your pain with you. You went through a very traumatic life experience together (sort of "together", considering he totally bailed out on you during the worst of it)...

Miscarriage is painful (I know, I've been through 3 of them myself)... but they are not always a tragedy. Sometimes, they are actually a blessing in disguise. We don't always know the reason for things happening the way they do, but we need to KNOW that there IS a reason (a greater "plan" so to speak).

It was not the time for those babies to come into this world. I don't know why... It could have been that they would have had some developmental abnormalities, health problems... it could have been that your relationship with T was not meant to be and "someone" was trying to save you future heartache by not keeping you connected with him for the rest of your life. I don't know.

I just choose to believe that we are not in control of our destiny. Once we stop trying to control it and trying to MAKE things happen... our life can unfold before us the way it is destined to...

This is all my opinions, Rev. I don't mean to minimize your pain or suffering. I just want you to try a new approach this year... letting go a bit...

I wish you the best always...

TC

January 2, 2006
4:24 pm
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Hi,

Thanks for the advice. I've actually already been to counselling, its helped me a lot with my own issues. I'm letting go of him as we speak, I don't want him back....he turned his back on me when I needed him most...I have forgiven it but that doesn't mean I'm going to go back there. I just refuse to go around hating this guy who I made two babies with, whether they were born or not. The main reason for tomorrow is to get the bill sorted out. TC...y'know what, that "Maybe its a blessing in disguise" just really really hurts...cuz, its not a blessing, its broken me, I've lost a part of my spirit and hope that I can never get back....its something that a lot of people have said along with "At least you were not too far along, so you didn't get to attached" and "It just wasn't meant to be" just make me want to scream...sorry...all the books say that this miscarriage thing is a hard thing to go through and that friends and family find it difficult to understand. Sorry, I don't mean to offend...I'm just tired of hearing the same thing over and over again...I'm grieving I suppose, its just difficult to do it on my own...nobody else knew these babies, only me, I would rub my stomach and talk and coo to them before I went to sleep, I imagined who they'd look like, what I'd call them...what type of kids would they be, quiet, boisterous, funny, clever...would they be a mammy's boy or a daddy's girl. I remember the second pregnancy, my stomach hadn't really swelled that much although every morning I would turn and twist around in the mirror to see if there was a difference....I thought there was a slight swell but maybe I imagined it....at 8 weeks! My stomach felt strange to touch though, it was kind of firmer, heavier, I was fascinated at how it felt....I wouldn't let my sister touch my tummy until T did....so he and I are the only ones who have felt it, he said it did feel "wierd" I remember him laughing at that, "I didn't expect that" he said!I remember getting so annoyed in work and at home when I had to keep going to the loo, I remember the first time when I was so so sick that I thought I had caught some kind of bug, I remember being in my aunts house for a party when she shoved a tray of prawn (shrimp) starters under my nose and I puked all over it. I remember also the first time a horrific craving for sherry trifle...the more custard the better, and trifle was never something I liked before. I remember this second time walking into my work canteen and getting a whiff of whatever was on the menu and turning right back around again because the smell made me nauseous....I remember the tingling soreness in my boobs and my friend rita in work sighing because her boobs would never be as big as mine (They did get quite huge!). I remember it all and it makes me cry, I'm sorry that its taking me so long to get over this...but I know one thing, I WILL get over it...I will be happy again, I just need this time to grieve I think. Its just so awful that the first miscarriage happened at this time of year which is depressing I know. Its funny, my sister is away for the night, as she was on this night last year, I have spent this night very much the way I spent it last year, just on my own, watching TV...then I went to bed tried to sleep and thats when it all happened, at about 4 o'clock in the morning of 3rd....I hope I sleep through it. Tomorrow when my sister comes home we are going to do something special, not sure what yet, but something nice....

January 2, 2006
5:22 pm
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Rev,

I did not mean to minimize your sorrow or pain... Honestly!!!!! I told you, I've been through it... not once, not twice, but three times!!!!! I've felt all of the same feelings that you've described. It should not be brushed under the carpet. You should feel your feelings... and you should take as long as you need to take to "get over it"... it is a death and all people grieve differently, so I am NOT telling you to move on! At all!! I am trying to tell you not to expect comfort from T. He does not seem capable of giving you the support, comfort, or financial assistance that you require.

You are spending a lot of time trying to figure him out... too much time! This time should be spent on YOU... on getting yourself emotionally and physically healthy!

I'm sorry if you are angry with me right now... It is just difficult to see you waste so much of your energy on him. Sure, he has been sweet to you in the past, no doubt, but most recently...he has been cold, insensitive, emotionally abusive and neglectful.

That's all. You will figure it all out on your own. I won't continue to offer advice that is unsolicited. Sorry if I overstepped.

TC

January 2, 2006
5:47 pm
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revelation
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No TC, not at all angry with you, no way! I know its difficult to know what to say in these situations. What you are saying about T is exactly what I've been thinking...that he's not the person I thought he was. I can most honestly say I never thought he'd turn his back like this....yep, I know I'm gonna have to let go...I've been trying and trying to get over this on my own, but I can't seem to...this is whats stopping me...I'm afriad that I'll move on and be just getting over my grief and then he'll come and want to talk to me about it and drag me back down again...I swear if he does that TC I will freak-out, I'll get so angry!!

January 2, 2006
7:44 pm
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OK, so I just realised that today there is no post, so he won't get the letter until tomorrow which is the day that I am supposed to go see him...thats not giving him enough time. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid of whats going to happen to me in the next few days.

January 2, 2006
9:47 pm
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Rev!! ((((hugs))))

Whatever happens, you will be fine!! Whether he helps you with the bill or he chooses not to, you will see it through because that is the sort of person I believe you are, a responsible, caring, adult.

When YOU CHOOSE to let go of him in your heart, it won't matter if a year from now or ten years from now he seeks you out wanting to pick up where he left off. It won't matter because you will know, without a doubt, that you will never, ever, ever take him back.

I believe there will come a day when you will look back on this situation and you will ask yourself, "What was I thinking??? I was not in my right mind!!" I know because this day came for me.

The second time around, I married badly (again). He wasn't a pedophile, but he had so much baggage...it wasn't funny. He was a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, ex-con, parolee, con-man, a liar, a cheat, and an all around stinker.

What was I thinking???? I was not in my right mind!!!! And I wasn't. I was vulnerable. I was shattered from the breakup of my previous marriage... I had no business getting involved with him. But I did. Now I have the hassle of getting my marriage annulled.

But I know without a doubt that I DON'T WANT HIM. Not now. NOt ever.

If he came around and begged on his knees I would feel badly for him but I wouldn't take him back. If he called and called and wrote copious amounts of letters to me, I would not take him back.

There could never be a situation where I would want to be with him ever again. He had me. He lost me. He will never have me again. Thats it. It's over and done with and I am over him.

This is what I mean by cutting your losses and walking away...secure in the knowledge that you don't want him, you won't want him tomorrow, or the next day, or the next year, or the next ten years....because you think too much of yourself to put up with cr*p ever again.

So it won't ever matter if he comes looking for you 5 years down the road. You may pity him and you may feel badly for him, but you won't want to be with him because you will be different. You will be stronger, more confident, emotionally healthy, and you will probably have attracted a strong, emotionally healthy, self-confident man into your life.

All the best,

bonita 😉

January 2, 2006
10:05 pm
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Rev

I don't think you ever get over it. I think you just learn to live with it. 17 years have passed since my baby died and I still cry for my loss. People say to you it is a blessing in disguise, and it is. Watching children suffer health problems on a daily basis is torture to your soul. But it doesn't lessen the pain of losing a child. I do understand your loss.
What I don't understand is you say it is over between you. Why don't you just pay the bill and leave him out of it. A father can never comprehend a child until it is born. He will never grieve like you. Don't expect him too.

Big Hugs

January 2, 2006
10:37 pm
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Sweet Rev,

You are never responsible for the outcome. All you can do is ask for what you want, look at what you get, and then make your decisions based on that. I feel for you putting yourself out there like that on such an emotional issue. Life is so hard sometimes. Good for you for asking for what you want. No matter how it turns out.

LL

January 3, 2006
1:01 am
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Hi there Rev - I feel for you, I really do. Your mind is just swimming right now and I can understand why. In my opinion, going over to T's house to retrieve half of the money for your med bill, is the easy part. You certainly have every right to expect half - whether it is hard for him to come up with or not. It's not a lot to ask. But are you really being honest with yourself about why you are going over there and what you expect from this conversation? These are only my thoughts, as I have no real insight to your motives. But in reading your post, you have written more about your feelings regarding the loss of the babies, and his difficulty in being able to express himself, than the part of the bill you'd like him to pay. Really be honest with yourself and pinpoint why you feel the need to have this meeting. This has been a really hard time for you - you've experienced a broken relationship, not to mention the loss of two babies - and he's experienced the same regardless of his ability to express himself. Maybe what you're looking for is comfort and support from the only other person in the world who is as close to this situation as you are? And there wouldn't be a thing wrong with that! Maybe by going over there, you're hoping that he releases some of that emotion that he's been holding in? You've been going it alone for quite some time which makes a bad situation seem even worse. Maybe it would lighten your load a little if you and T could share in the grief? Maybe it wouldn't seem so unbearable knowing that you weren't alone in your sadness? And again, there is nothing wrong with needing this from T. So, I'm just wondering if you're being honest with yourself, and with him about your intentions. Your heart deserves a chance at getting what it needs - but in order to get that you need to go into this conversation speaking from the heart. If it's support you're looking for, and not money, be honest and ask for it. I may be WAY off base here, and maybe I'm reading too much into your post but there's never any harm in searching your heart for your real motives. It helps you to gather your thoughts, make some sort of sense of them and procede with confidence. Hopefully, you'll get what you need. I really hope that you do - I'll check back tomorrow. Take care, Rev - I'm thinking of you :o)

Love - Shaney

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