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Can't seem to leave!
July 29, 2007
3:52 pm
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hope2heal4
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I have been in my marriage for 10+ years. My husband and I have 3 beautiful children and many issues. He is a chronic marijuana smoker(approx. 5-6 times/day). I have never tried drugs and cannot handle this addiction. Although the marijuana is not seen in our home he carries it on him everywhere spends a fair amount of money on it and passes up family outings and quality time to get his fix. Not to mention how he looks while high and how he smells when he comes home. In the past his motivation was lacking in regards to work but since his last job within the past 6 months he makes it to work everyday and I have not had to financially carry him. However he will not help around the house with repairs or upkeep and will not bother to discipline the children. When he does make them mind, he is over the top with screaming and using degrading comments. The rages around home towards me are terrible...swearing, name calling,blaming, pushing me in front of the kids. For a while they didn't say anything but this weekend my middle boy lashed out at him. This is damaging our family and his forever present porn addiction is ruining our marriage. He keeps saying he loves me but he also says he wants out of this life with me. I do not lead the rebellious lifestyle he does and do not understand why I can't find the strength to leave him. My children and I deserve to be loved but it seems that the more he runs away from me the more I seem to need him and cling. He left us in the past and I got sick from not eating, not sleeping(weak I know). I realize this relationship is damaging so why do I feel like I love him so much? I feel as though I will fall apart if he is with someone else. I worry that he will change for somebody else and it makes me feel like a failure. He does have nice qualities as well and I think I am dwelling on that little bit he gives me and the children from time to time and keeping the hope alive. Will the desperate feeling ever go away and how do I just let go and leave?

July 29, 2007
4:46 pm
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fantas
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Hope2heal4,

I am really sorry about the situation you find yourself and your family in. I will be quite honest here but not judgmental at all. While you have a codependent relationship with your husband, you have no right to subject your children to this man and his behavior. He drug use, violence and erratic behaviour has and continues to damage them psychologically, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Many of us who are here dealing with codependent relationships are from backgrounds like your children are living in now. So for their sakes, you need to remove yourself and them from this situation and get into therapy as soon as you possibly can.

I found the book codependent no more very useful to me and you might find it quite helpful as well. You might also consider attendin CoDA meetings and/or Naranon meetings. As you read these threads, you will see that you are not alone.

You and your children deserve better. It's possible that your husband loves you but he cannot show you how much while he is high nor can he appreciate your's and your children's love for him. He needs help and you don't have the qualifications needed to help him. More importantly he needs to realize that ne needs help and with most drug addicts, they have to hit bottom. I feel for you! Hang in there!

Keep posting.

July 29, 2007
7:59 pm
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atalose
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hope,

Please understand I am not trying to be judgmental as well, I live with a recovering addict so I am familiar with the behavior your husband is showing.

It would appear he needs to grow up. The problem is you can't make him grow up and you can't make him be the loving person you desire. Active addicts are selfish so he is doing what many addicts do, the bare minimum in life while you carry the rest of the load of family and raising the children.

He wants out of the life with you because he wants out of his responsibility of being a grown up with grown up responsibilities and children to raise.

The thinking that if we leave our active addicts someone else is going to magically turn them into the person we have desired them to be is very false. The truth is if they do find someone else it's going to be someone who accepts them and there addiction and lack of drive or ambition or responsibilities. You have to remember he wants away from you because you represent all the things he is running away from he’s not going to replace you with someone like you, if at all he will find someone who accepts him just as he is so he doesn’t have to change or grow up.

I think it's a natural instinct to cling when someone you love is pulling away but it just that clinging that makes them want to pull away faster and further and quicker. If it were me I would tell him to go ahead and leave because leaving comes with a lot of grown up responsibilities as well. Like where is he going to live? How’s he going to pay child support and lawyer costs and feed his addiction? Who’s going to carry him when he losses his job again?

In al-anon or nar-anon they call what he is saying “quacking” he just wants you off his back about his behavior so he’ll manipulate the fact he wants to leave knowing you’ll cling and most likely let up on him and his behavior. That’s why I say, call him on his sh-t. In the mean time get yourself to al-anon or nar-anon and learn to become strong so you can stand on your own rather then on what little he is able to offer you and your children while he is active with his addiction. Keep posting, don’t give up on yourself or your ability to learn and grown. You’ve made a great start by coming here and seeking help for yourself. I am glad you are here.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 29, 2007
11:28 pm
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_anonymous
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HI. I can totally relate to your feelings. You are feeling powerless. Right now he does have the upper hand. The fact that you allow him to treat you and the kids in such an unacceptable way sends him the message that what he is doing is OK. Right now he has no respect for you evidenced by the fact that he is pushing you & threatening to abandon you if you dont tolerate his drug addiction and abuse. And you do not respect yourself because you allow it. The question is not if you love him the question is why you dont love yourself. If you keep doing the same thing, the situation will not get bad it will get worse.

What you want what you need is to get your POWER back. You dont want this man to love you, you want him to RESPECT you.

The quickest way to start feeling better is to give the man what he wants and GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. On your terms. Either go to court and get a restraining/kick out order. Or you leave.

The results will shock and amaze you.

July 31, 2007
6:20 am
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hope2heal4
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Thank you all for replying to me so quickly! My husband has decided that he just doesn't want to be here anymore and everything I say just seems to fire him up and his rages are terrible. He hates his home and he is running away from everyone who ever loved him. He is now smoking weed like cigarettes and drinking 4-5 energy drinks a day to counteract the fatigue from the pot. I believe all the caffeine is making him rage but he won't listen. I'm losing my family and I feel out of control with my emotions. I want to fix this problem but I can't...I want to be done with this relationship but I can't...I want to move on...I can't! Why can't I just shut up and let him walk out the door already? I feel strong through the day but when nighttime comes I'm weak again. Does the no contact rule everyone seems to be talking about on here really work?

August 5, 2007
9:26 pm
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fantas
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Hope,
How is it going?

August 6, 2007
6:37 am
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nvr2late
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hope...
the no conctact thing really does work!
if not for them..for your peace of mind.
even NOT making a decision is making a decision.

take it easy on yourself, things you are talking about come with TIME..no on the spur of the moment.
I don't want to feel all this stuff..looks like HE is chosing to glaze over HIS emotions with other substances.

don't take that route...it never works.
it always comes back to haunt you...feel your feelings and work through them..time is the only thing that works..believe me, I did not think I would EVER stop feeling things for my ex.

and then a LONG time into it..I realized..I would NEVER take him back!

so, hang in there..it really does get better with no contact.

nvr

August 6, 2007
9:08 am
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caraway
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hope,

Sometimes you just have to love someone enough to let them walk. It sounds like you have been a strong and loving spouse and things can always be worked out.

Hang in there.

Cary

August 8, 2007
2:09 am
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lalasgirl
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i understand the letting go to leave thing. it is hard. you want to keep fixing him. but i am learning that i can only fix me. i am the one with the dream he was my nightmare. he doesn't love me as yours doesn't love you....nothing personal....they just love themselves and there isn't room for us in their lives. i am learning that i have to forgive first, let go second and then most importantly move forward with my life. the c.p.o. no contact rule is there to help us get out and away. embrace it and let it heal you...i am trying to do that too. i agree, we didn't want to let go but wanted to fix them but this is our time to fix ourselves. i'm like you and want to try one more time at my relationship and i don't want to leave; but, i have to leave. forgive, let go, move forward. say it with me: forgive, let go, move forward. one more time: forgive, let go, move forward.

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