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can't seem to go home
March 16, 2008
3:11 pm
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through_the_fire
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I haven't been to my home state going on 2 years. I have had no contact with my mother since Dec. But even prior to this I didn't always choose to see my mom when I was back there. The last time I was there I just decided not to (after not telling her I'd be there) because, well, basically, I started to freak out at just the thought of seeing her.

So I've been planning over spring break to go up with my husband and see just my grandmother and my old good friends. Only my friends know about this plan. Well, last time I was on the phone with my grandmother she was telling me some story from the past and she referred to a guy as "the Jew". She laughed and said, "That's what we called him "the Jew"." Now I would think this was stupid anyway, but you should also know-- my husband's Jewish.

Big sigh.

So anyway...my friends really want to see me, and I love them. Here it is break is a week away and I'm getting this back problem I've had before. It makes it impossible to be in a sitting position for long, which means the 6-hour car ride is out. And now it looks like, again, I will cancel my trip home.

Between you and me, I think the whole thing makes me anxious. Love my friends, love the beauty of the state I grew up in...but I'm not feeling Dorothy's "there's no place like home..."

I think I'm having a hard time facing what my real feelings are about this. I need to write it out and know you good people might read and respond.

I hate feeling blocked and stuck, but I think I am.

Fire

March 16, 2008
3:31 pm
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_anonymous
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Through the fire- Sounds like you are trying to decide between what you think you should do and what you feel like doing. I think you should follow your heart.

If you choose to go. You might want to prepare your grandmother so she will be sensitive towards your husbands religion. As in lets agree that we wont bring it up.

If you dont want to see your mom then dont. If the pain of being there and not seeing her is more than the pain of not going, might want to think about that.

Now, friends are a wonderful, supportive thing to have. And the beauty of the state might make the trip worth while.

What does your husband think about it?

Or put your marriage first, find a place you and your husband want to go and have a romantic time.

March 16, 2008
5:33 pm
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through_the_fire
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Thanks, Destinystar. I don't think I have a problem with not seeing my mother: I've done it before, and initiating NC was a good idea. But maybe I have some feelings from it, I haven't recognized and just want to avoid the whole state (no pun intended).

As far as my grandmother is concerned, I have no plans to put my husband in the closet. She seems to love him as he's very lovable. But anti-semitism is not acceptable to me, period. I could say it's her age and all that, but the little laugh she gave was just haunting. I can't tell you the number of times this woman has hurt me. She's better than my mom, but whew.

I couldn't believe when I was teaching a short story the other day with this really rejecting family, I related how my step-grandfather called me a name one visit, and my grandmother quietly suggested after we left the house, that I might take the bus home. Students gasped and said, "Oh that's bad." I NEVER share personal stuff like that in class. Granted, it was related to the story, but geesh, could it be on my mind?

Good idea about the romantic trip! This all sounds too hairy!

Fire

March 23, 2008
8:45 pm
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through_the_fire
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So I'm not going home this week. Thinking about it tonight, I realize I don't have any problem being back home and not seeing my mother-- but I think I'm pissed at my grandmother ever since she skipped our wedding. This is a woman who's flown to Atlantic City in spite of her age; in fact she was there while I was in Jersey (very close to Manhattan) recovering from an appendectomy. I hadn't even thought that was weird until a friend asked me, "So when is your family visiting you?" I shook my head and said, "Oh it's funny, my grandmother's in NJ in AC!" The look of shock and pity really knocked me back.

And we wonder why we have such low expectations of partners?

I haven't told my grandmother how disappointed I was that she and my aunt etc didn't come to my wedding-- no one from my family was there! Less you feel sorry-- I did have friends. But how weird is that? No friggin' family. It was informal, small, on the beach-- but for fuck's sake it was a wedding! My only! And I hope my last! :-))

What the hell should I do? I don't want to talk to her about it or even write a letter (my method in the past). Is that just cowardly avoidance?

And see above for the Jew remark-- which was the last time I spoke to her.

ARRRRGHHHHHHHHH!

Fire

March 23, 2008
11:08 pm
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Celtic1
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((TTF))

If I were your grandmother or aunt I would have been there, I LOVE BEACH WEDDINGS!!!!

I don't think it's avoidance, well, maybe just a little. YOU are very HURT, and you have the right to be. I do remember the Jew remark.

People use age as an excuse to be rude but that is not acceptable. I think when you're not so angry you should write a letter. Did they acknowledge the wedding at all?

Celtic

March 24, 2008
3:15 am
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Linda Linda
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It was your wedding and they didn't come to it.

What are they hiding?

Do you want to hear it?

And if you do are you prepared on the emotions this will bring up?

Do you feel you should waste valuable time that you could be spending in your garden or learning a new instrument or planning a second honey moon?

March 24, 2008
8:46 am
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through_the_fire
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Hi Celtic-- yes, my grandmother invited some family out for lunch when we got up there. When I told her about the engagement she said, "Well I can't make that." She could have come with her daughter, my aunt, but my aunt has a boyfriend, and my grandmother feels like a third wheel when around them (ant they break up all the time). Lame ass excude.

Linfa Linda...what they're hiding is what I've confronted in them before. My grandmother avoided me after her son, my dad, died. I look a lot like him, and I have the same chronic illness he does.

Oh poor her. This is so classically the narcissist's game. It's not even worth explaining the lame-o crap!

I don't want to waste valuable time on them-- but damned if I don't realize that I feel hurt about all this and have just avoided talking and seeing her because of it. Takes awhile for me to cop to stuff.

Fire

March 24, 2008
10:48 am
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thewall
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Fire,

You said she has avoided you after your father died and that you have the same chronic illness he has. I wonder if she avoids you in order to ease the pain after you die or she stays away emotionally and physically "just in case" this illness kills you too. In a sense she is letting go of you now, before you die bc loosing her son was soo painful to her. I am not saying it is right, but some people do this in order to protect themselves from more pain.

I deal with alot of grief and loss issues in my job and I see this happen so often. I suspect that every time she sees you, her pain for her son deepens and her grief is reawakened once again.

Of course we will never know for sure why she chose not to go to your wedding. The only way you will know is asking her in person or on the phone... "wow grandma, I sure missed you at my wedding. I was hoping you would be able to come. It was such a beautiful day". Then see what she says.

I'm sorry your family wasnt there. A beach wedding sounds so romantic..sigh.

March 24, 2008
1:22 pm
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through_the_fire
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thewall...thanks for your post. Of course I've analyzed it like that too. But I think it's basically self centeredness and selfishness that causes a person to look out for themselves over whateve anybody else may want or desire. She and my mother made my father's death about them-- never mind that he was my dad or that I had the same illness and so must live with all that means. I tell you we can give all kinds of psychological explanations to what really boils down to human selfishness.

I'ts no fun being a ghost, when you're alive and kicking.

And I'm feeling like it's about time these people become history for me-- or at least their ability to hurt me.

Fire

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