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Can't let go
December 15, 2004
1:35 pm
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allwaysconfused
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It really amazes me that there are so many women who feel exactly as we do. It is sad that there are so many wonderful and caring women out there that sacrafice so much of themselves for men that do not deserve us.

December 15, 2004
2:18 pm
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dustygirl
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I guess I don't feel like I am all that wonderful and maybe that's why I stay in this relationship, because I don't deserve better. I really hurt allot of people with the affair, my ex, his wife, kids, my whole family.
I haven't come to terms with the pain I caused others, so feel like maybe I deserve this and God is punishing me for the things I have done.

December 15, 2004
3:45 pm
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CONFUSED21
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HI I UNDERSTAND how you are feeling my wife is abusive and i cant leave her. ive tried on so many occassions but i cant find the courage to leave. i can relate to everything you say and i hope you focus on yourself and not this man who doesnt deserve someone like yourself goodluck

December 15, 2004
4:16 pm
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anyalissa
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dusty, you said that you get asked out...is there anyone that remotely interests you? maybe you should go out, even as "just friends"....just to get out, spend some time doing something new, and maybe that would show you that there are other people out there...keep your mind off him, and mabye slowly loosen that grip he has on your emotions. i know it is hard, but the farther away you place yourself, the easier it would be...also, there is the chance that when he sees that you are not sitting there waiting for him, he may realize what he had with you and make the hard decisions to align his life with yours.....(if that's what YOU want). i know it is hard, i am in the same boat more than you realize. my hands are shaking today, wish i felt more at peace. it is an awful feeling. love, anyalissa

December 15, 2004
5:08 pm
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dustygirl
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anyalissa, just reading your posts make me cry - I wish you didn't have to feel the same anxieties that I feel - I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Today is such a struggle for me for so many reasons - the wife, his secretary, our night apart - want to control his every move, know where he is at at all times, who he is talking too - it's sickening.
As far as dating - I will try, but I know I will be anxiety ridden wondering about him. There is one person who I met 1 year ago and haven't seen since -we text all the time and talk maybe once a week - just friend - "T" even know about him. When I met him, there was this instant attraction, but he had a girlfriend as well as I had "T". He has since broken up with her and called me today and want to see me. I am scared as though I feel he could be special, my heart is with this other person. I know "S" would be much better and healthier for me, but it doesn't seem to matter.
What would you do - I really value your thoughts and wish we could be each others strength in our times of despair.

December 15, 2004
6:47 pm
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anyalissa
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dusty,,,,can "S" be a friend to you, in the real sense....like, tell him you value him, want to spend time with him, still getting over someone else who wasnt good for you, etc. my friend met her husband that way, he essentailly was her friend helping her get through her divorce, and slowly she saw how golden he was, and they ended up marrying. he also really proved his love and devotion to her by sticking by her through her rough time. try it...be honest....maybe he has something healthy to offer you. thanks for your words of encouragement. i am trying to learn to let go, some days are better than others. i dont want to let go in the sense of ending completely, i just feel he (and I) need the time and space while he figures out how to move out and divorce. the process is killing me, and i think it keeps him on the fence, knowing i am there, like a puppy waiting for him. if i can step away, i will gain perspective, and maybe he will see that i am worth the hard work to make those changes in his life. he is stuck on the financial security he will lose when he divorces, and so he sits there. ugh. thanks again, anyalissa

December 15, 2004
7:00 pm
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dustygirl
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A - how do you find the strengh to let him have his space to figure out what he needs - I need to do that for him as he needs to know what he is truley feeling about his wife, but I am so afraid of the outcome.
You sound so strong, but I know you must be going through a really hard time too.
Have a good night tonight.

December 15, 2004
7:47 pm
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anyalissa
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i may seem strong but actually i have given in to my neediness more often than not. i have called written so many times....the hard part in my case is that he wont tell me it is over,,,he says he wants me, just cant figure out how to move out, money problems etc. he says he wants a life with me, just needs me to be there for him while he figures it all out. i was actually ok with this for most of our relationship, because i know that practical matters like money do dictate some of what we do....but then he made the mistake of sleeping with her three times during this process, to see if something is still there, out of guilt too. he says the attempt to reconcile was a disaster, and that now he is "sure"....but unfortunately that has affected my ability to accept him still living there (he says he sleeps on the sofa now). but my trust is gone, and i am profoundly hurt by his dishonesty. and that he is still sitting on the fence. the security of his money, pension etc really has hooked him....he will lose a lot in this divorce...even more so because she knows now about me. but, that is the price he will have to pay...we all pay for our mistakes. i told him to walk away from it, give her what she wants, but i have always been somewhat poor (though selfsufficient) so maybe i dont know what it is like to walk away from money if you have it.....so, no, i am not as strong as i seem. he called me 2 hours ago, i didnt answer. now i feel strong. one of my struggles is that i have made myself totally available to him, he knows it, the other morning he "missed me, wanted to hear my voice"...so he called me at 530 am on his way to work. (which i never minded....i always thought it was sweet)....but the other night, i missed him, wanted to hear his voice, called at midnight, and his cell phone was off.....he turns it off when he "cant talk".....i felt like something was gonna snap inside of me....i hate that. so, now, tonite i am not going to call him because right now i feel somewhat peaceful and strong...and i know if i call and get his voicemail i will get all aggitated again.

so,,,,i am still hanging on by my fingernails....hour by hour. i hate it. thanks for asking! anyalissa

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