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Can't let go
December 13, 2004
5:58 pm
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dustygirl
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I'm new here and don't know where to turn or what to do. Am in a relationship with a man who is just so emotionally unavailable. I love him so much even though I know it's an extremely unhealthy relationship. He's 20 years older, married (though separated for 2 years) - Our relationship isn't completely out in the open as he want to protect his kids (18 and 26years)and Saturday night we were at dinner and happened to run into his wife who was with another man. It's the first time I could see that he still had feeling for her. I wish I could just walk away as I have wasted over 2 years of my life hoping he will love me the way I love him, but I keep hanging on,hoping, trying to makehim feel the same way though I know it won't ever be. All I do is cry and feel like I will never get better. I am so scared right now that I won't survive without him.
Please help me!

December 13, 2004
6:39 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Dusty, hadn't run across your thread yet when I wrote this so I copied and pasted. Aren't those wonderful keys?

Lost and Dusty:

I know folks tell you to get over it; to go on; that you are better off, etc. I don't personally know of all your circumstances but would like to speak a bit about hanging on.

I can't say I understand hanging on coz when my 1st hubby left I had already learned to hate. Hate is a nasty, terrible feeling to have.

Have you ever thought that if you were to let go and move on that you just might find someone even better? I am one that feels there is a reason for everything. There were good reasons you aren't still with your men, aren't there? Do you wish to live in the situations you were living in?

You both have so much to live for and to contribute to this world. Didn't know that one did ya. I don't know if you are religious or not. I would say to put your faith in God and try to get past this. Hold your heads high.

If you cannot get past or even get started to moving on I would suggest counseling, reading on the subjects you had problems w/. Posting here is good. There are lots of good hearted folks who have been where you are.

Anyway, I'm glad you are here and I hope you find what you need while you are here.

December 13, 2004
6:49 pm
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dustygirl
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Thanks mamacinnamon:
I have always said that if he wanted to go back to his wife I would never stand in the way as it would be one less divorce in the world. Doesn't make sense as I was having an affair with him. I just never thought it could hurt so damn much. I left my husband and went right to this man and then he left his wife and came to me. I divorced, he didn't - I feel like I thru away everything in my life for him and I can't let go as it was all for nothing. I just don't know how to get through the pain - I feel like I am losing control of my life. Please pray for me.

December 13, 2004
6:57 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Prayers are going up for you now Dustygirl.

I know it seems hopeless and like you are losing control, but you don't have to. You can learn from this.

You pray also, God can and will get you thru this if you ask him to. But, he doesn't just wave a wand and make it better. He expects you to do the work. To better yourself.

There are several self help books you can get to start your healing. If yuo think it is really bad, then maybe seeing a counselor would be better.

We are here for you. Keep posting.

December 13, 2004
7:24 pm
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lucyndesi
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Dear dusty, I am going throught the same thing but, I want you to know..I believe GOD doesn't give more than we can handle..This too shall pass..this doesn't seem fai I know..But, there has to be a better picture on the other side that we are just fortunate enougth to see..Justhave fsith..my prayers are with you..hugs lucy

December 13, 2004
8:20 pm
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CAMER
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hi Dusty....hope you are doing ok....and I know too well of the feelings of loving someone who can't love you back emotionally....and the feeling do suck. You have been with him for 2 years, has anything in the relationship improved over the years???? if it hasn't then basically you are giving this man too much of yourself. Give yourself a hug Dusty, and know you are not alone....there is so much support here. I will say my prayers for you, and come back and let us know how you are doing...(((camer))))

December 13, 2004
10:04 pm
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readyforachange
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Dusty,

You can't lose control of your life if you turn that control over to God...he will always lead you where you need to be, and give you the strength you need to get there. All you have to do is trust in Him. I'm not saying that he won't ever put you in difficult situations, but he will guide you through. You have strong faith, I can tell. Hold on to it, and follow your heart. Be well, and I'll be praying for you.

ready

December 14, 2004
10:44 am
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dustygirl
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am so glad I found this site as I didn't know where to turn too anymore. I don't have many friends as they are all so tired of listening too me - they don't understand why I just don't "walk away".
Everyday I wake up panic stricken that today will be the day he dumps me. Last night I thought I was at rock bottom because I couldn't handle the thought of him not in my life - then he calls and I feel fine. It's like a wild roller coaster ride. I pray everyday that God would give me the strength to be the one to end it as I know he's not what I need in my life, but everyday I just hang on. I have been thinking about attending Coda meetings, does anyone have thoughts on those? I have read allot of books, but I keep repeating the same thing over and over.
Thanks again everyone.

December 14, 2004
11:09 am
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CAMER
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key in http://www.coda.org
very beneficial site...remember nothing in your life will change unless you change something that you are or are not doing.

December 14, 2004
12:15 pm
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anyalissa
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dusty, i cant believe when i read your words....you have described my own life for the past 21 months with so much accuracy that it made me stop in my tracks. i have been involved with a man (married, separated...or so i thought) ...my divorce went through and his never did, finally three weeks ago i got a call from his wife telling me that they were trying to patch things up, and that i am in the way. etc. his kids also never knew about me "to protect them", but of course now they now about some affair dad had. it is extremely difficult because he still tells me he will move out, that he wants "us"....but three weeks later he still lives at the house. says he sleeps on the sofa. i never thought i was having an affair, because we both agreed from day one that our marriages were over. i wish i had some magic words to tell you, but all i can do is say...wow, we are in the same boat. it is sad, it is hard, i know all about panic. today, i am numb, not sure why. maybe i am healing, or shutting down.
hang in there, and i would love to be one another's supports,
anyalisaa

December 14, 2004
12:29 pm
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kathygy
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Dusty, I think meetings are very helpful. I would definately attend those. The truth is you can live without this man. In fact, even better. You have given all of your power away to this man who doesn't even love you. You deserve someone who loves you back. Nothing will ever change with this man no matter what. Think about your dignity and self esteem. This relationship is destroying both of them. Imagaine being free of this man and free of the pain. He is using you. He has no respect for you. He knows that you have given yourself away to him. Get your dignity and self esteem back. Let this man go. He is not worth it.

December 14, 2004
1:06 pm
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dustygirl
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I say that I want more than anything to let go of this man, but I keep holding on. I am so afraid of being alone. Last night I was curled up in a ball just worrying about losing him, but I know deepdown it would be the best, I am just so torn. I don't understand why I can't just walk away - I keep thinking if I hang on and be patient......I know, it's a waste of my time and I have no dignity left. I pray that I will find the strength to be the one to walk away and soon.

December 14, 2004
1:18 pm
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allwaysconfused
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Dusty,
I just had to write and tell you you are not alone. I am also one of the people out there that are involved in a relationship that is not healthy and just can't seem to let go. I've been seeing D for over 4 years now. I know in reality he and I will never be together. He has told me flat out that he will never love me the way I want him to. And even though he has told me that there is nothing to hold on to....I still feel the way I do for him. It is really hard to be involved in a one-sided relationship. I also wish every day I had the strength to end it. And I wake up every day with the fear that today will be the day he tells me he's met someone else and doesn't want to see me at all anymore...that kills me inside. I can not decide what would hurt more...not having him in my life at all or having him in my life and knowing he will never really love me. I think maybe you can relate to me as I can to you. I don't know what the solution is, I'm searching for it also. But this site seems to help me to some degree....I hope it helps you as well.

December 14, 2004
4:32 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi Anyalissa and allwaysconfused-
Thanks for your support. Allot of my fear in letting go is being alone and also the guilt I feel from what i have done - in regards to this relationship. It started out very wrong - it was a full on affair for the both of us. I ended up leavingmy husband of 14 years (no children) thinking the grass would be greener - boy was I wrong! He ended up leaving his wife o 25 years. I divorced, he never did. I have a ton of guilt about everything and feel I really don't deserve to be happy as I destroyed two marriages. I feel like I can't give up on this relationship as then it was all for nothing - everybody loses. Well maybe not him as he had his mid-life crisis and probably can go home as his wife would probably take him back.
I worry constantly - have a hard time functioning on a daily basis that he will end this relationship, but know that one of us needs too. All I can do is get up in the morning and keep moving forward. I am suppose to see him tonight and am so anxious over it - will tonight be the night, should I end it, will his wife call.....it's a never ending worry. Seems like such a waste of time and energy, but just can't let go.

December 14, 2004
5:13 pm
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anyalissa
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dusty, have you two talked about the potential in your relationship? it seems that he took you seriously enough to leave the marraige, and at least consider divorce. can he be honest with you? what does he say about his intentions? the fact that he may feel pain about his wife doesnt necessarily mean he wants to go back...divorce is a process as you probably know. i think the bigger issue is,,,why is he emotionally unavailable? what is his hope for your relationship? if it is truly just an affair, with no future, then get out...you deserve better. good luck tonite!

December 14, 2004
5:36 pm
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dustygirl
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He has been emotionally unavailable for many years. We've talked about it in great detail as he was this way with his wife as well. He, I think, is basically afraid of getting hurt as well. He was hurt once along time ago by a women he was engaged too, and also his dad was killed in an airplane crash, so I think he just doesn't want to open himself up to anyone. He told me that on Sunday night.
I feel he cares for me, but will never be able to love me like I probably need or want. I know because he saw his wife with another man the other night stirred up allot of feelings he wasn't ready for - he always told me the first time he did see her with someone else it would be hard (male ego stuff), but I wasn't quite prepared for (nor was he) the anxiety it caused in him. I will never stand in his way of going back to her though I wish he would love me. It's just so hard as he really doesn't know what he is feeling, or he just isn't being honest. My insecurities tell me he is just playing me because I don't feel worthy. We've talked about our future and he basically says lets just see where it goes - he wants me in his life and I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, but are those just words? He won't tell me he loves me as to him that's like asking someone to marry them. Am I just a fool?

December 14, 2004
6:23 pm
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recovery
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I know that latly That I have been in a bind to with trying to let go. Codependency is like a drug, the more you get the more you want. Its about letting go and thats not easy. It can be down right scary and terrifying. It is a learning lesson in the end, that you are strong. I know when Im hurting I always say the serenity prayer and that helps just in case you do not know it. I will write it for you. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. To me this means God give me that inner peace in letting the past be and guide me to a better life and the last part is that help me not to repeat my past mistakes in the future. This just my own interpertation. You can make your own.

December 14, 2004
6:33 pm
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dustygirl
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Thank you recovery, I try and remember to say the serenity prayer often, especially when I feel like I can't go on anymore, which is often. In the last couplehours I am struggling so much - i keep checking his emails to see if there is anything new and wonder if he is really at work. I am so paranoid constantly. Why do I allow this control he has over me? I am sick with worry that tonight he will tell me that he needs to take a break to find out what his true feelings are about his wife - I told him that he might need too, but he didn't think so. I feel that he will after thinking about it. I know it will all be for the best, but don't feel I can handle the outcome.

December 15, 2004
9:53 am
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allwaysconfused
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dustygirl,
I am the same way as you. I'm constantly paranoid about what D is doing...and if he's seeing someone else. I've even gotten to the point where I've been writing down dates and times when I've been on the phone with him and he says that his boss is calling him on the other line and he has to get off the phone with me. He said he'll show me his detailed phone calls to prove that i'm just crazy to think that he's talking to another girl. I feel like I'm going totally nuts. But I guess it's because our relationship has never had trust in it. It started as an affair 4 years ago (we were both married). He was actually having an affair with another woman besides me at the same time (I found out about it). But he chose me over her and stopped seeing her. So I forgave him for that. Then he told me he needed space but he still loved me and wasn't seeing anyone else. Then I caught him seeing somene else. He and I have been through hell together. I've always been there for him. He said I'm his rock. But he said he could never love me the way I want or need because of everything we've gone through and it would never work out. Yet, I still love him. I can't just let go. But I know I need to because I'm not happy like this....and I think you are not happy as well.

December 15, 2004
11:01 am
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dustygirl
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How do we just let go - how come it's so easy for some people to just walk away, knowing they can do better and then there are people like us who hang on till the bitter end, getting walked all over and taken advantage of. We only have ourselves to blame, but yet I still do the same thing over and over.
Today I am panic stricken as it's our night apart, always wondering what he's going to do after work. We spent the evening together last night and it was fine, but I am always anxious wondering if he really wants to be with me, I just can't relax. I use sex as a form of control and manipulation, hoping it will keep him there and keep him from wanting others. It's so sad and pathetic.
For Christmas he is buying his daughter a really nice gift and it's a surprise. He will be giving it to her this Saturday and I asked if he was going to have his wife come to the place when they surprise her. He is torn about asking her and asked my thoughts - I told him that I really don't want him to ask his wife, but feel that it would make him a bigger person if he did. It was so hard for me to say that as I know he will now ask her and I will be a basket case on Saturday. Did I do the right thing? I just want his relationship with his kids to improve, but yet I don't want him to be around his wife either. I wish I said no, but would he have listed anyway? Probably not - he did thank me and thought I was being really generous by allowing him to ask her. That's me, the people pleasing door mat!
Sorry, just can't get control over my anxieties today. Feeling so scared!

December 15, 2004
11:32 am
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allwaysconfused
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dustygirl,
I know how you feel...I constantly fight my brain from thinking about him and wondering what he's doing....who's he talking to. I noticed a tone in his voice this morning that something just seemed wrong. I faught the urge to ask what's wrong. Then I called him back and just came out and asked him what was wrong. He said nothing really, just the holidays (he hates the holidays bc he never had a good ones growing up). And he said that and a combination of the weather. He said when his son goes to college he wants to move somewhere warm like south florida or arizona. And dumb me opened my mouth before i could think and asked him why those places...if he's been talking to someone about moving there with him or something. He just kinda huffed and said that was the dumbest thing i've ever said.
He ended up telling me he's tired of this dumb conversation so I got off the phone with him.
I have to just find a way for me to not care about him....there has to be a way.

December 15, 2004
11:37 am
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allwaysconfused
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Have you seen that movie "Bruce Almighty"? There is this scene when Jennifer Anniston is sitting on her bed crying into her pillow and she says something like "God, I don't want to love him anymore, it hurts too much". That is how I feel every day.

December 15, 2004
11:50 am
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allwaysconfused
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Sometimes I just wonder if I do find the strength to stop if he will then realize how much he really cared for me and will miss me....or if he will just say "oh well..." and move on and never think of me again.
Do u think that too?

December 15, 2004
12:18 pm
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dustygirl
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I think that all the time. Everyone tells me to let go slowly if not all at once and he will miss me if I am not around as much. I just can't make myself do that either as I feel like he just won't miss me. Everyone says, then there's your answer, but I can't handle that answer.
We use to spend everynight together - for the last 1-1/2 years though I had my own place, I was always at his. Things just weren't improving so I moved 60 miles away from him - partly hoping he would beg me not too andmove in with him - too no avail. We now don't see each other on Monday and Wednesday (his idea - says he wants to make an effort with to spend time with his kids those nights), but makes me wonder. I know it was my idea to move away and mostely for the wrong reasons, but was hopefull that he would miss me or worry that I will find someone else.
Thats another thing, lately, I have been asked out so much by other men and though I feel I should try and open myself up toother possibilties, all I know is that I will be thinking about "T" and wonder if he's called, what's he doing, does he miss me. Plus I feel like I am cheating on him and don't want to do that.

December 15, 2004
12:44 pm
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dusty, honey i know exactly what your going through. we dated secretly, he decided to go back to his wife after they have been divorced for a year. i love him so much, when i breath it is through him. i can see, hear, feel, and smell him still. you just gotta let go and let God be God. I have had a really hard time but the storm is almost over. Mine keeps calling ever so often, just to see how im doing. but here lately, i haven't answered the phone. i don't know why he does it, he just does. God has something better, and everything is for a season. These threads are so helpful, because i never knew so many people who have gone through the same thing . i still believe we are all or were seeing the same man. the bad thing about it is that i live 5 minutes from him and have to go by his house every day and see them together in public. I think in a way i let him go back to her before he actually di so. he sometimes talked and told me what all he does for her, i always thought he was so wonderful for doing it, but i think thats what lost him. i should have seen it. it hurts, i know what your going through but it will get better i promise you. and about the cheating part, i did that too, because my heart belonged to him and still a big part of it does, but you are letting him dictate your life and you cannot do that, I assume you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, think maybe just maybe this one is not the one or that this is just not the time for your relationship. but don't stop your life, just let God direct your path, He can and will heal, i promise.

Always conf., i say that too and wonder why God has not taken the feelings yet, I just keep hoping that He will soon.

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