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CAN'T LET GO......FROM HURTS_SO_BAD
January 21, 2005
2:53 pm
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Alegab
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Hi- I guess no one was around last night and i was in desparate need to speak with someone.

I hardly slept last night with the anxiety i felt. Thsi morning he called me as usual and i was very snappy at him and then I LOST IT. I couldn't hold in the anger that was eating AT ME. He is the one causing me alot of grief and i was holding it in and letting it effect me. I told him almost all i had written in that anger letter. I went against my therapists' advice (to wait until i had no more contact with him). I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off me. I know nothing will change. He denied alot of the things i said and i said "you seem to have amnesia with certain things." He said i am like a computer that i remember everything. I said "you are right, i journal every night and i must keep myself in reality of what is going on between us." I don't want to imagine or fantasize about things that are not there. He said, if i am such a terrible person "why are you still with me?" I said because i am not yet strong enough to let you go. I WAS TRUTHFUL AND HONEST IN EVERYTHING I SAID TO HIM.

I was upset after this happened and i called him to tell him i was going out. He had said he would call me later. I left a message and said, i don't regret or feel sorry for anything i said to you, I TOLD YOU THE HONEST TRUTH. I said, i want you to know that when one deals with matters of the heart it is difficult to let go.

He called me back and said thank you for your message, i am not mad at you. He had to run to a meeting and he asked if he can call me over the week end.

I know that God will help me get through this. Also all you good people here offering me your support.

Thank you.,

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 21, 2005
3:07 pm
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kathygy
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Focus on what you DO want, how you do want to be treated and loved. Write it down and don't settle for less. It sounds like this man is stringing you along and saying things like I miss you just to keep you hooked. It doesn't sound like he has anything to offer you.

January 21, 2005
6:25 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I'm sorry you're still in so much pain. I'm sure the counselor should bring you some comfort though. I know when I used to go, I always felt better after talking with her.

This guy just sounds like such a loser. You deserve better. Have you made any progress with your husband? Think that relationship is salvagable?

I'm still dealing with my demons too. Haven't heard from my ex in 7 days now.....guess I should take a hint....but I can't seem to let go of the memory. My date the other nite was okay, but nothing special. I didn't really connect with him in a romantic way. So obviously I rejected any advances from him. He did say he was going to call me again next week for another date....but I'm not so sure I'm up to it. I just feel like sitting at home and daydreaming about what could've been. How pathetic is that? 🙁

January 21, 2005
8:04 pm
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Alegab
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Hi- Thanks guys for your support. I know what I want but I also know that i cannot get it from him. Its a temporary fix every time i see him. He serves my needs temporarily. I don't fool myself anymore by thinking that something will come of this. I AM VERY CLEAR ON THAT. As i expressed to him, right now i am not strong enough to end it. I have also always told him, you are not my savior. My issues are my issues and you have nothing to do with it. I must resolve things myself, neither you nor anyone else can do that for me.

There are alot of childhood wounds that i am now continuing to suffer with. I have not healed from that. I have been working on myself for years to try to let go of those issues and make things better for me and for the family.

There is alot going on at home. One of them is my relationship with my husband. We were in counseling a short time, he didn't give it a chance. He suddenly decided he wanted no part of it anymore. He refuses to go back. The therapist tried to convince him by saying "you won't do it for your children either." He said no. Alot of the issues are about the children. Thank God i got them to go with me last week to a therapy session and we will go back again monday. They even said about their dad "my dad is in another world." He does his thing. I am the disciplinarian, the one that tries to protect them and do what is best for them. He wants to be the good guy and be accepted. Being a parent is not a personality contest. I am also very very upset with him for the financial situation he put us in. You might have read it in one of my other threads. I accidently found out that he exhausted all the savings to pay bills. He never approached me on this and just kept tapping into the account to get by. The reality is that he does not earn enough money to support us. I am not working because I am on disability. He is not willing to change jobs or get a second job. He uses the excuse "its important to have family time." BS.
He uses his time to watch tv until 1-2 am. The most i am upset about is that not long ago my mother had given me $7,000 (it had to do with my other three siblings having the equal amount also, long story). My older sister had suggested that i put that money aside for a rainy day. I didn't want to keep that from him so i told him and we put it in the savings. That is gone too. I feel very upset about that. He also had the nerve to tell me "ask your mother to give you some money." My relationship with my mother is like the plague. Actually with all of us siblings. She is distructive and i must keep away for my own sanity. I told him no way, i am not going to my mother. He never got anything from his parents, unfortunately now they are in a nursing home. Whatever he has gotten has been from me. House, furnishings, car, money etc. I had all that when i married him. To make a long story short, my resentments have built throughout the years (21 in May). I don't know if we are going to make it. He tells me he loves me. I can't honestly say the same. I wouldn't want to hurt him intentionally, he doesn't know about my affair. My husband is a good man, he is loyal, holds "a job", doesn't have any bad habits but....he is not demonstrative of love and affection, not to me and not to the children. He's always been that way. When i married him i thought he would change. No such thing, you get what you see (wish i knew then). I am very very needy of that. In therapy they tell you "give it to yourself." Yes i do certain excercises to appease myself-- take a teddy bear to bed and pretend it is me as a child and comfort her. It is not the same as having a loving relationship with your spouse or someone you love.

I know this GUY is not the answer to my problems. He has made no pretense about the fact that he will not leave his wife. I am clear on that. Can someone pretend to be affectionate, caring, attentive etc. in a demonstrative way? When i am with him he shows all these things to me and that makes me feel so happy. Its the good bye that then makes me feel sad and upset.

I guess as one of the people from my SLAA group said today, you are not ready to let go yet. I was so upset and crying and she said i should pat myself in the back for having been HONEST and having told HIM the thruth.
By that she also meant having told him that i was not ready to let go yet. It doesn't mean i will never be able to let go.

I try the best that i can at this given time. One tiny step at a time.
Today was putting the anger where it belonged and not having it eat me up. Don't get me wrong, i take responsibility for being in this relationship, i own it.

Please keep me in your prayers and keep posting. Thank you.

Love (((((((hugs)))))
Alegab

January 21, 2005
10:16 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab,

You should be very pleased with yourself that you told him how you felt. He should definitely you're onto his game that he's playing with you. That will give some of the power back to you.

As a matter of fact, after reading your post, it occurred to me that clearing the air might be good for me too. I sent my ex a lengthy email explaining to him how I felt and told him exactly what I thought his game was. I told him that he no longer has the power over me to make me feel happy or sad (well, that part is not entirely true....but hey, I can't let him think he's gotten the better of me). It felt good to tell him what I thought of him and his treatment of me. It felt REALLY good! 🙂

January 22, 2005
12:29 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Anyone here to talk?

January 22, 2005
12:13 pm
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Alegab
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Hi hurts- i am here

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