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CAN'T LET GO......FROM HURTS_SO_BAD
January 13, 2005
3:52 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Hurts: I guess whether you hear from him or not after your note will be your answer. And how it responds to it if he does answer. I wouldn't contact him anymore. The ball is in his court now. Good luck. SD

January 13, 2005
3:54 pm
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on my way
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My opinion is unfavorable, so I will ask if you want to know it before I write?

January 13, 2005
7:52 pm
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On my way:

Please give me your opinion. That's why I asked. You seem to be pretty "hard ball", but I do want your input. 🙂

January 13, 2005
9:05 pm
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sdesigns,

He wrote back this afternoon saying that he wasn't ignoring me, but he hadn't been in the office. He promised to call me within the next few days. Never realized it was that difficult to pick up a damn phone and say hello.

on my way,

Yes, you're probably thinking "that stupid woman...she has it coming to her". I only wish I could be as strong as you obviously are. Maybe I'll get there yet. Time will tell I suppose.

January 13, 2005
9:31 pm
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Hi Hurts: Yeah telephones can get awfully heavy- too heavy to pick up. If you haven't read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" you might want to as I think it would clarify some things for you. I think you're beating a dead horse. Be good to yourself. SD

January 13, 2005
10:41 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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sdesigns:

You might be right. As a matter of fact, deep down I think I know you're right - but I guess I'm just really stubborn - as long as there's the slightest hope (or at least as long as I THINK there's hope), I have to keep trying. Who knows, maybe I"ll get tired of trying and tired of playing the "game" and I'll be able to tell him to take a hike - AND MEAN IT!!!!!!

Is it really so hard to understand why I can't let go? Am I that different from other women? I'm just afraid to feel all the hurt I did when we first broke up. As long as I have hope, the longer I can survive without a breakdown. I know eventually I have to face reality....

Is it so far fetched that I could turn things around? He's obviously not serious about his lady friend, otherwise he wouldn't bother with me. Like I said before it's not as if he's using me for sex.....we don't see each other.....what else could he be using me for if he doesn't still have some feelings for me?

January 13, 2005
11:30 pm
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I just think that it is wrong to place so much responsibility on someone else to meet your needs. They either do or they don't. I do not think using cohersion (sp?) , manipulation, sarcasm is necessary. I see what was said as groveling...but the fact that he called you in spite of...I am surprised, I thought he wouldn't. So maybe I don't know how he thinks, he may also think differently. they say there is someone for everyone :-). Why don't you just come right out and ask him why he contacted you again after you told him not too?

January 14, 2005
12:35 am
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on my way,

You made me look at my message in a different light. I didn't think I was using cohersion or manipulation....sarcasm yes - but then after all, I was a bit angry at him. I don't think I'm putting any responsibility on him at all. He's not obligated to write or call. He could just blow me off if he felt pressured in any sort of way. Men usually have no trouble doing that. I don't know how he thinks either, but I do know that no one can make someone do what they don't want to do.....especially when you're just talking about corresponding long distance.

Something is there...that's obvious. I just don't know what and how much of it or if it's real. I don't know why I'm so hell bound to keep trying. If I could let go - believe me - I would. I'm so wishy-washy....telling him to stop writing one minute....writing him the next. So I've decided NOT to tell him that again. If I get strong enough to just stop writing him......I'll block his email address and I will blow him off. I don't know what else I can do. I can never stick with my decision not to write him anymore. I feel silly even attempting to tell him that again. I don't think he'd believe me anymore and not only that, he'd be right. Sigh

January 14, 2005
12:44 am
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Didn't you say you all had marriage plans at one time? When and how did that get tossed? See, he isn't being fair, and you are allowing him to not be fair. If there are feelings there for both of you, you should be able to talk about it, I mean getting married is serious enough to be able to ask the important questions. Take responsibility for your own happiness...don't you want to know? Are you comfortable NOT knowing?

January 14, 2005
12:51 am
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on my way,

No, I'm not comfortable not knowing. Our marriage plans got tossed when we broke up. He had two previous marriages, the last one being with an alcoholic. They went through some rough times. Anyway, the reason for our breakup was that he didn't feel it was right to take me away from my family and my career to move up North when he felt he couldn't make that commitment to get married again....could be that until the issue was brought up front and it was becoming real....he got cold feet. I just know what he told me.

I don't intent on keeping things the way they are now. Eventually we'll have to talk about it. If he doesn't bring it up - I will. I just don't want to push things right now. I need to do this my way to survive. I know it's being weak on my part, but I'm trying to work on that and get stronger. This site is helping me to do that. I get so many different slants on my problem, that I do feel myself getting stronger. Please don't get frustrated with me. I can sense that you feel I'm beyond hope.....I haven't given up hope on myself and I hope you guys won't either 🙂

January 14, 2005
1:14 am
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I am not frustrated with you, and everyone has to work through things differently, sometimes I lose sight of that. Maybe my own anger at myself comes out here as I see a part of me in this as well. I wish you luck with this. Just keep posting.

January 14, 2005
12:51 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I just heard from my ex via email. He actually told me he missed me. Of course, I'm not sure if that means he's thinking about maybe giving us another chance or what. But right now, I'm just going to enjoy knowing he misses me. There'll be time for heartaches later.

January 14, 2005
12:53 pm
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This is positive news.
Hurts, why or how did his other marriages break up, do you know?

January 14, 2005
1:09 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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on my way,

I know his second marriage broke up because she was an alcoholic and wouldn't admit she had a problem....they did the counseling bit and everything. The Counselor finally told him that unless she admits she has a drinking problem, the marriage wouldn't work. He took a lot of abuse from his ex because of her drinking. His first marriage fell apart because they basically married to young and to hear him tell it, it was wrong from the beginning.

January 14, 2005
1:15 pm
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So he is very gun shy. And has he always been with someone, never apart from a dating nad/or marriage situation? If so, then this time is good for him...to just be with himself, find himself all over again. Should he decide to coem back to you, he will be a better stronger person and partner for you.

January 14, 2005
1:20 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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on my way,

I hope he does come back to me. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and keep me in your prayers.

I'm not sure how much time he has had alone, although he did tell me when we first met that until I came along he was pretty much accepting the fact that he would be alone. I know he was seeing someone after me. He might still be, but I think he may be realizing that perhaps I was better for him. Otherwise why would he miss me?

But it's all speculation at this point. I'm just hoping for the best and trying not to read too much into it. (That's HARD to do).

January 14, 2005
1:34 pm
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I would think it would be hard for him to commit again. Can you get him to talk about him, and only him, separate from you, or you and him..just to understand where he is coming from? Let me try to say this: Chances are if he was married to an alcohlic, he is codependent. He may not even know what that means at this point, but from being on these threads, you have learned about it. It also might help you to learn and start asking questions here about what happens to a partner in an alcoholic relationship if the partner who does not have a drinking problem is a male. Hurts, HE has issues, he may not even be aware of. My suggestion is maybe to take your head and heart off of yourself, and put soem thought and energy into HIM as well. IF you can understand his personality type, it may help. a person married to an alcoholic, has an awesome responsibility, it is horrible to live with someone like that. And if he is an older gent? HE may be tired, so tired, mentally exhausted right now, and all he can think of is work. He may have met someone, just because he thought it was what he needed at the time...but it may not have lasted, because he does not want another relationship, or he does not want anyone but you. But you want him to do it because he wants too. Do not inflict guilt, he may respond to it because that is most likely how his alco wife acted...but in the long run, he knows it isn't right...so he won't commit to that all over again. Does this make any sense? SO maybe start a thread that says, "Question About being Married to an Alcoholic", then ask, 'What happens to a partner who is not an alcoholic who is married to one?' or maybe you can think of a better way to phrase it to suit your needs.

January 14, 2005
1:51 pm
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DITTO!!! Absolutely EVERYTHING Hurts so bad has said! Im in the same boat and it seems its about to sink! My ex does the same things. He is "trying" to be in a relationship with someone else but every time things arent going well (including just a few days ago) he comes running to me for "comfort" with promises that they are not really together and really never can be and wanting to have sex. He talks to me kinda cold in between but when things arent going well with her, he is as sweet as can be and says all the flirty right things to make me think there is a chance and he realizes he made a mistake leaving me. I end up giving in (thnak GOD I didnt this last time a few days ago when he showed up at 4 am!) only to find that within a day or two, he is again spending the night with her. As he did last night! And its killing me! I dont want to be the back up woman or second choice! yet I want him back so bad, I end up buying into it! Im so hurt right now because I know at this very moment, he is still sleeping in her bed. How can these guys really love us as they say yet treat us that way? And how can they really respect us if we LET them treat us this way? I wish I could just shut off my hurt and yours as well.

January 14, 2005
1:58 pm
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HI wounded, read the thread, "Why are men afraid to commit", it might shed some insight on things. This guy will use you as long as he thinks he can. Let him go, it sounds like a vicious circle that will go on until you are contiually hurt over and over. Tell him to get lost and stick to it is my advice, although I know it is easier said than done, but he does not sound like a nice guy, he sounds like a user.

January 14, 2005
2:04 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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on my way,

thank you, thank you for your response. It never occurred to me that HE may be codependent too...but it makes sense.

I will try to get him to talk about just him and get more insight as to where he's coming from. I agree, I can't lay any guilt on him to come back to me. I really don't want that anyway. I want him back because HE wants to come back to me...that way we'll have a real chance to make it work.

You have given me a lot of food for thought. Thanks 🙂

January 14, 2005
2:07 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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woundedspirit,

I'm sorry you're on this rollercoaster ride with your ex. I know how much that hurts.

If he only comes back when he's had a fight with his g/f, then I wouldn't hop into bed with him. He obviously doesn't know what he wants. How long has he been your ex? How do you know he only comes back after he's had a fight with his g/f?

January 14, 2005
2:16 pm
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Hurts, good luck with this...it may actually mean alot to him that you can concentrate on him at the same time you take care of you...to have someone intersted in him, not what he can "do" or "provide" or "give"...but just him. 🙂

January 14, 2005
2:30 pm
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My ex moved out 8 months ago and broke up a few weeks later but for the first several months we tried to work it out. It has been this way the entire time. Actually, we were together 3 1/2 years and its been a roller coaster the whole time. Anytime he starts being nice, he tells me they got in a fight or she makes him feel not very important etc and he says they are not together anyway and he cant be with her, he misses me and nobody will ever treat him as good as I did etc etc. All the things I want to hear. Im an intelligent person in all other areas of my life but I feel in this one area, I must truly be brain dead to put up with it. Its my damn heart getting in the way and overpowering my head again!! After he came over the other morn (4am) needing "comfort" and wanting to make "love", I was feeling sorry for him. Last night I went over to his house at 2 am wanting to leave a card and present on his car and HER car was there but HIS wasnt! I was confused so I went by her house and no cars at all. Then this morning I woke up early to try again and still, her car at his house but not his. Went by her house and there was his car! That happens so often where I have good intentions of doing something nice for him and it ends up burning me! I cant tell you how bad that hurt to see that he did spend the night at her house. though why her car is at HIS house when they live across town from each other, I have no idea. Incidentally, am I a stalker for driving by her house to see??

January 14, 2005
2:44 pm
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Not a stalker, but putting energy into something that you may want to reconsider...if you have to drive everywhere to check up on where he is, thik about what that addds up to for you, and think how it will all effect you in the long run. You probably were very good to him, but he is not good to you. Find someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved, and put you energy into those that matter..it may make a difference. You sound very intelligent and you do know the answers, just follow them. MAy take some time and effort to let go, but keep posting on this website if yuo need too, people here are very supportive.

January 14, 2005
2:57 pm
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100sp_Permalink sp_Print

sorry...had to do the "100" post thing as it was at #99! Tee HEE!!!

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