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CAN'T LET GO......FROM HURTS_SO_BAD
January 12, 2005
12:45 pm
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on my way
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Hurts, everyone needs to do what they need to do to survive. Just tyring to get you to see another avenue to all of this. DO you see how you are still giving him the ability to manipulate, even by backing off, it puts you in a position of playing the waiting game again. It seems like a game that you both are playing to get a reaction from the other to validate the relationship. I could be wrong, totally wrong. But I guess it depends on how much you want to invest in this without being in the dark, being emotionally blinded by him. The other side of the coin is, he calls, he says I love you, I am coming to see you, I want you with me, etc. etc.....if this is what you want to wait for then do it, but he hasn't and he may not. Do yourelly want to go through the loss again, the heartache, etc. I really don't know what else to tell you. I think I feel so strongly about this and take the time to respond because I went through the exact same thing. I learned a lot am a better person for it, but if I had known what I know now I could have eliminated a lot of hurt for myself, for the gent involved with me, and for those who had to see me cry and practically collapse as a result of MY ignorance.

January 12, 2005
1:28 pm
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Alegab
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Hurts- I know how much you're hurting and as some people mentioned maybe you are not ready to let go yet. Some people believe in the theory that you must hit "rock bottom" and then you'll do what you must do. Isn't this enough pain and heartache for you? Believe me I am in the same situation and i should be taken the advice i am giving you. I am trying my best, one day at a time. Why give him the power to make a decision. You take control OF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. He is playing with your emotions. He is not worthy of you. He is taking you for granted. Remember it will be his loss. As one day you look back on all this you'll say to yourself thank God for him being out of my life. Or maybe you both will be willing to work things out for the best of BOTH. It cannot be one sided.

I hope i am of some help. I have been posting on my own situation "saw "J" last night, continued ALEGAB". Maybe reading some of the feedback i've been given there will help you.

Hang in there and keep posting. We all care about you.

Love, (((((((hugs)))))))))
Alegab

January 12, 2005
1:37 pm
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marley
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Hurts -

I was just reading through some of the posts on here and I agree with the statement that sometimes we have to hit "rock bottom" before we can really move to get out of a bad situation. I also agree with the idea that most people will tolerate a tremendous amount of abuse before they leave - some psychology studies indicate that we will let others abuse us to the same point that we abuse ourselves. So if you sit in judgment of yourself alot and see lots of faults in your own behaviors, you are more willing to let other people judge you and blame you. I do it too. But I think that our lives would be a lot better if we stopped handing that control to other people and we stopped being so concerned with how other people view our actions. You made valid points about your ex's actions and how he already has a girlfriend (or whatever) and he is still flirting with you. He is obviously still hanging on to something with you too. It is up for you to decide if you think it is ok for him to be playing two women at the same time and on his own schedule. I know it seems really scary to go from Mr. not-so-great to absolutely no one, but trust me no one is better than Mr. not-so-great because when there is no one around helping you feel bad about yourself you actually start to feel better!

January 12, 2005
1:58 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab:

I have been following your posts every day. You and I are soooo much alike. I feel your pain - believe me. Maybe we should make a pact with each other that we will write each other every day and remind us that we WILL NOT make contact with our boyfriends because it ultimately only hurts us. And write about how our day went. Maybe giving each other support will help.

Marley:

Thanks for your thoughts. I know you're right that I am giving him too much control, but then again, is he not giving me some of his control by letting me keep writing him and him responding? I don't know exactly why he continues to write, but I feel the same way that you do....I'm thinking he doesn't want to let me go completely either. Why I don't know.

January 12, 2005
3:22 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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It's about noon here on the West coast and I haven't heard anything from him. He's probably out in the field today.

I am NOT writing him today.....and I'm feeling okay with it. Let's see where I am by the time I get home tonite. I do have an appointment to get my hair done tonite....so that will help 🙂

I know I've said it many times, but THANK YOU EVERYONE for all your input. You have given me more support than you will ever know. 🙂

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} TO EVERYONE

January 12, 2005
3:33 pm
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bamilly
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Hurts thanks for the caring thoughts

I need as much support and understanding as I can get it is tough to feel alone and unloved...at least that is the way I feel. I know it is hard to let go trust me I have not been able to let go myself, but one of the last times my ex and I talked, when he told me that there could be nothing between us other than friendship I was so hurt especially because he made it seem as though it was all my fault. I told him that I could not be friends with him as long as I was still in love with him. Trust me I still am, guys know that we are vulnerable and they take that to their advantage they know we want them back and they take it as a given when they want you back they think they can automatically get you back. The way I see it, it is ok for you to have hope but make him work for what he wants if he really loves you he will come back to you and if he doesn't at least think of it this way you didn't waste any more of your time in a dead end relationship. Think about it you deserve better and I am sure you CAN do better.

January 12, 2005
4:59 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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bamilly:

I like the way you put that.....you can hope, but make him work for what he wants. that's something to think about.

He told me awhile ago that he wants to be friends, yet his actions don't really match with being "friends". I certainly don't flirt with my male friends if friendship is all I want. Sigh...men....they're hard to figure out.

I know how bad you must be feeling. It is scary to feel alone and unloved, but I'm sure you have family that loves you. You hang in there and keep posting and tell me how you're doing.

January 12, 2005
5:15 pm
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Hurts and Alegab, can I join your pact? I am feeling absolutely out of control today wondering what my b/f is going - is he with his ex? He was extra nice on the phone this morning that it made me feel like he was feeling guilty about something.

He doesn't want to lose me he tells me but next sentence is he can't give me what I am looking for right now and would understand if I wanted to see other people. God am I stupid for even thinking about seeing him after a comment like that. I am obviously not worth keeping if he is willing to give me up so easily.

Boy am I paranoid or what.

We should make a promise to each other everyday - a babystep to take each and every day and really hold too it because we have each other to lean on for support.

January 12, 2005
5:46 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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dustygirl:

Of course you can join our pact.

I have the same problem thinking about my ex with his "other" lady friend. It's hard - I know.

Let's keep posting on this thread if you don't mind.....we'll get through this together. I know I need all the support I can get. Somehow we have got to set ourselves free from unavailable ex's. Hang in there and I'll be looking for your post every day 🙂

{{{{{{{HUGGGGGGG}}}}}}}

January 12, 2005
5:53 pm
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dustygirl
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thanks Hurts - I can't stop crying and obsessing today. Feel so pathetic these days.

January 12, 2005
6:01 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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dustygirl:

I'm sorry you're having such an awful day today. Boy, do I know about obsessing! I had a few of those days last week. And I'm sure that if I don't hear anything from him by tonite or tomorrow I will be joining you in your obsessive state.

How often do you talk to your ex? Is he dating the other woman exclusively?

Try to get your mind off of him the rest of the day. Maybe read a good book, watch a movie or go out with a friend. i know it's difficult when you feel like your whole world has crumbled....but please try. Okay?

January 12, 2005
6:03 pm
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bamilly
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Hurts if his actions show you that he wants to be more than friends it is probably that he wants to have you as a security I dont doubt that he loves you but you have to let him realize what it is he really wants.
I do have a very loving family that loves and supports me but there is so much that I went through that they dont know about that it makes it really hard for them to be supportive. Ever since I have been posting I have felt better everyones advice helps I wish I could get more insight just to help me get through everyday I need lots of moral support.

January 12, 2005
6:13 pm
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on my way
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http://www.artdsm.com/recover/.....chor509846

Check out this website..go to Index and read it and see if it sounds familiar in regard to the relationships you are experiencing...good luck!

January 12, 2005
6:45 pm
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dustygirl
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hurts - he's not my ex he is my b/f. Have been together for almost 3 years (it was an affair for both of us) he's been separated for almost 2-1/2. He just won't divorce her and now they are communicating constantly. I have been trying to "let go" for over a year, but keep hanging on that things will gt better.

He says he doesn't want to go back, but they were together for over 35 years - married 26 of those. I wouldn't blame him if he did, but I just want him to tell me and not lie to me. I wouldn't stand in the way as I would understand, but the always wondering, worrying is just killing me inside.

I don't feel I deserve much because I feel like I am the one who broke them up (he says their marriage was long over), but now he isn't angry at her anymore and likes that they can talk.

I know I am destined for heartbreak here - and what makes me think I am so special that he wouldn't do the same to me.

January 13, 2005
12:48 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Good evening everyone...

It's about 10 p.m. here and I just got home. I of course checked my email and nothing from my ex. I'm disappointed, but it could be that he's out of town again on business. (I need to ask him if he takes a laptop).

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my situation. I still don't think I can be the one to stop writing. I probably should...no...I KNOW I should, but I'm not strong enough for that. What I'm strong enough for (or at least I feel that I am) is to start entertaining the idea that I might actually enjoy going out on a date with someone else. Haven't felt like that for awhile. Trouble is, where do I meet someone to go out with? I'll probably just start going out with friends and see what happens. It's funny, tonite I had a few instances where I almost started crying thinking about him. I couldn't block him out of my mind. I wanted to pick up that phone soooo badly - but I didn't. Is that progress? I don't know.

I hope that should I not hear from him tomorrow, I won't break down and write him. I want to stop thinking about him altogether, but I can't.....not yet anyway. Hope everyone has a good nite and a better day tomorrow. I'll look for your posts. Good night 🙂

January 13, 2005
9:40 am
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starryslp
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Of Course that is progress, 1 day at a time is a great way to go about things!!

I hope you resist the urge today to contact him.

January 13, 2005
11:26 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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On My Way:

thanks for the info. It's a very good website. Question though...how do I get to anchor509846?

January 13, 2005
11:52 am
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on my way
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good question..I just pasted in the whole website, went to the bottom of the page and clicked Index. Also, came across a book "Why Men are Afraid to Commit"..can't remember the author, but might be worth reading. I haven't read it, but it might offer you some insight as well. Hope everything works out for you.

January 13, 2005
12:00 pm
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bamilly
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Hurts I also logged on to the site and it was very helpful. One of the essential things you should think about when going out with your friends is to just relax and have a good time trust me that can help you take your mind off your ex, or it can trigger your mind to miss him more. You might end up comparing every guy that comes up to you with your ex. One of the most important things to keep in mind is that different is not bad...make sure that you are out there to have a good time and if you meet someone then you do and if you dont that is not to important.

January 13, 2005
12:24 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi guys,

I'm at work, but starting to obsess about my dumb ex (hey....did I just say "dumb"....I do believe I might be getting angry at him).

I haven't heard from him this morning either.....can't seem to concentrate on work very much and I've got so much to do...sigh.

January 13, 2005
12:35 pm
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Look at the thread"Why are Men afraid to commit?" good insight there for you, maybe.

January 13, 2005
1:18 pm
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starryslp
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HI Hurts, Dont email or call, keep talking to us here.

How far away do you live from each other? I was dealing with distance with my ex too.

January 13, 2005
1:31 pm
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restless
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Rollercoaster from hell. I like that expression and it describes perfectly what I've been on for the last 5 years. Thanks all. I'm new to this site today and it really helps to read others posts.

January 13, 2005
1:33 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Starryslp

He lives in Northern CA and I in Southern. It's at least an 8 hr drive....so we used to fly

January 13, 2005
2:30 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Progess report:

Oh well, I couldn't resist writing, HOWEVER, it wasn't a mushy note, here's an excerpt: Tell me what you guys think - could it be I'm FINALLY getting angry at him? That could work in my favor 🙂

"Sure hope I haven't dropped off your radar screen already. Maybe you're on the road again. You know, there is a wonderful invention called a telephone. Heard of it? Or do I need to reimburse you for the calls? (I'm being sarcastic....if I'm not worth a phone call on your dime then you know where you can go). Yes, I'm being whiny, but then again, if I don't ask for what I need, how can I expect my needs to be met?"

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