Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Can't get over my closet drinker
April 13, 2004
9:55 am
Avatar
NancyW
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Blondie, Yes, it's hell to break up with someone you're still in love with. I still love mine, too and I've been getting emails from him (even this morning) that he loves me. Please read what I wrote this AM on Soul Searching. It might help. How old are you? I'm 37, and will be 38 on May 1. I promise, I will watch for your entries to see how you're doing. I went through it alone and so I know what lies in your immediate future. Please don't ever feel so alone. You can do it!!!

April 13, 2004
11:02 am
Avatar
nrblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Nancy..

I'm 40...thanks again for your support. I answered you on Soul Searching. How you ever came up with that story is amaizing! You truly have a gift!

April 13, 2004
2:28 pm
Avatar
zuzuspetals
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Nr-
I was reading your thread about your closet drinker and it compelled me to write to you. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for about 6 weeks now. Over the course of 8 years he has been in jail for DWI's, I have left him numerous times, I have been nice, I have begged, pleaded and cried for him to quit drinking. It never worked. I really thought If I said to him, if you love me you will stop drinking. At the time I did not realize that he could not control himself anymore. His addiction had taken over his body and mind. He knew on the outside what he was doing was wrong, but he could not make himself stop drinking. We are now in therapy together, along with AA and Al-anon. My eyes have been opened to the fact that alcoholism is a disease. I balked at first but after being presented with scientific and medical research it is truly a disease, one that affects us all. It is a day by day issue. Our counselor said to us, you do not have to quit drinking forever, just for today, this hour, this minute, this second. That impacted me as well as his co dependent wife. I have no control over him and if he chooses to drink, then it hurts him. Relapse is all a part of recovery so they say. Be supportive of him. But take care of yourself. You have your own program to work, and you need to let him work his program. I hope this helps. I know it sucks right now, but it will be ok.

April 13, 2004
3:25 pm
Avatar
nrblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for that....I'm trying to walk the very fine line of being supportive and still being his girlfriend.

April 13, 2004
4:17 pm
Avatar
NancyW
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

nrblonde, I guess it's that hairstylist's creativity in me. Ha ha. My salon is in my house, and I work alone, so in between clients, I have alot of time to think. It used to be 'too' much time to think, not it's not enough! AA & Al-Anon are spiritual programs. They say you have a choice on what or who your Higher Power is. I chose God. I also chose Him to be my kind, loving and forgiving God. I ask Him to keep me aware, willing to learn, and do what He wants me to do. Much to my surprise, this attitude has changed my life. Remember I told you my ex-fiance is still emailing me? He just stopped over to give back to me the stuff that he'd origionally given to me, and I'd given back to him. He was only here a minute, but when he left, I still felt as peaceful as before he came. He asked me not to throw it away, or the pictures of us, etc because he'd given me the stuff with all of his heart. He said he loves me and misses me. I calmly (honest) told him he'd always have a special place in my heart. You see, it was my love for him, that made me want to be a healthy-minded person. My God & I did the work, but he was the catalyst. Like I told ****, who knows, some day our paths might cross again under different circumstances, but we cannot be together right now. Soul searching (the real thing), with God helping me, is the only way I've been able to get to this point of self respect, self love and acceptance. There are a ton of books to learn from, but to really get a grip on the spiritual part, I got from AA & Al-Anon. My 1st ex-husband was EXTREMELY abusive, alcoholic, and a doper. Yikes! I was young!! Anyway, his new wife of less than a year, calls me for advice. Isn't that a hoot?! I gave her the 800 number to a womens' shelter, told her to never tell him that we've talked because I will not be put in that situation again,(he'd be sorry all over again!-prison) and most importantly, if she doesn't do what it takes to get herself well, she has no one to blame but herself. That was about a month ago, she's still with him. I do not dwell on it, it was her choice. My point: You have been affected by alcohol. You have the right to go to Al-Anon (only people who've been affected by alcohol can go to these meetings.) Please give some serious thought to going. At the very least, buy the book "Codependents'Guide To The Twelve Steps". Here's a good quote: I was helping people constantly, whether they wanted me to or not. But inside, I was just as ashamed of myself as the day I got sober. (the getting sober part may not apply to you.) I had no self-worth. I couldn't tell people "no". I couldn't say what I thought. (remember, I'm a recovering alcoholic, so when I drank I COULD tell people what I thought, it just didn't come out in a constructive way) And everything I did, I did to make people like me-from the way I dressed, to the way I did my hair and put on my makeup, to the way I sat, and the things I did for people. I felt so victimized. I never felt good enough. If I ever did say no or take care of myself with people, I felt so guilty. And, I felt angry and resentful, because my days and hours were consumed with doing things for people I felt I had to do, and people never seemed to appreciate what I did for them. I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enoguh people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I WAS. My next appointment is here. Let me know what you think of this.

April 13, 2004
10:04 pm
Avatar
nrblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Nancy...I truly admire your strength. I don't have the alcohol problems and I thought that if CD (closet drinker) was getting help and the fact that I really haven't been with him that long would be resented by Al-Anon. (I don't have a clue.) I ask God for strength but deep down I don't know if I need strength or if I should be asking for something else. I don't think I'm really helping CD anymore. He says that he got himself into this mess and he's the only one who can get himself out of it. There's nothing else that I can do for him. I really am interested in going to an Al-Anon meeting. What are they like?

April 13, 2004
10:26 pm
Avatar
Wanttobewell
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

NancyW, You described me perfectly. I'm working on it though, and have made quite a bit of progress from where I began. It's hard, though. I always have to be aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it instead of going along on auto-pilot. My husband is still drinking just not as much as before. It can't be healthy for him though even if he's cut down. Al-Anon is sounding better and better, and I've had several people mention it to me as being very positive and helpful. W.

April 14, 2004
6:09 pm
Avatar
NancyW
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Al-Anon meetings: There's a chairperson, sometimes different each week. It's usually a shared position by members who've been going a long time. So do not feel like it's your responsibility for a LONG time. There's a reading from an Al-Anon book, then a topic is chosen, either on the reading or if someone is having a particular problem that day. Each person takes their turn in saying what it was like before, how they got through it, and how it is for them now. It's important to listen to each person, so you can tell who you're "in tune" with, and if she's been in Al-Anon long enough, she can be your sponsor. Your sponsor is who you call ANYTIME you need constructive advice, at first, this means you're on the phone constantly, have lunch with her, go shopping with her, watch a movie together, in other words you make friends with her, learn to trust and respect her opinions. If these opinions 'truly' go against your beliefs, you get a new sponsor!! That's more of where you get the benefits, but it's very important to go to meetings to get a wide variety of opinions. You take what advice you can use, and leave the rest. If there doesn't seem to be any particular woman there that you connect with, go to a different meeting. It's good to go to different ones anyway, as OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. At first that could mean 5-7 per week. These people will help with your self esteem, self respect, self worth, and self love. You are all there to help each other, and most importantly, you're there to help yourself!! Good luck and find a meeting tonight!
It's ok to not have a clue. You're doing what you need to now and that's the perfect place to start. Here's the nationwide # for where and when Al-Anon meetings are: 1-800-344-2666 I've also heard of codependent meetings, but they're too far away for me. If you're in a big enough city, when you call the Al-Anon phone #, maybe ask if they know of the coda meetings, too.
Also, it doesn't matter that you've been with CD for only a month. I remember you wrote that your Mom came home a few times drunk and there were horrid arguments. You said you HATE ALCOHOL. Without your being aware of it, that affected you more than you realize. Let me clarify now, in case that person who attacked me on another thread is reading this, your Mom may have other wise been a sweet, caring mom, but those nights, she and her use of alcohol affected you!!! Since you wrote I HATE ALCOHOL in capital letters, it proves it affected you and you need to deal with it. My Dad is still an active alcoholic, living a lonely miserable life with his beer. My Mom had her own "drinking problems". Boy, I'd never say that to her, she'd slap me up side the head. What this shit (alcohol) does to people really should be outlawed again. It's an absolute crime that a liquid poured down some one's throat RUINS lives!! I'll stop now, I'm getting pissed. I guess I haven't fully dealt with it. That's how you know you're not over it, when it still has that affect on you.

April 14, 2004
7:28 pm
Avatar
nrblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Nancy

You've got me mixed up w/someone else. Both of my parents are "One-drink" drunks. (Social drinkers, actually)

I still feel like I haven't been as affected by alcohol as most others on this site have. That's why I feel like people won't welcome me there.

It's kind of like when someone joins Weight Watchers with only 20 lbs. to lose.

April 14, 2004
11:56 pm
Avatar
NancyW
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

nrblonde,
I'm sorry I got you mixed up with someone else. I wonder who I was thinking of?? Hmmm, I guess I'm still not perfect. Ha ha.

April 15, 2004
9:02 am
Avatar
nrblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What is perfect? I think you're pretty good just the way that you are!

April 15, 2004
9:56 am
Avatar
NancyW
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm going to start my 1st thread. Asking what people do for fun? What do people enjoy.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information