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Can't get over my closet drinker
April 5, 2004
9:58 pm
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nrblonde
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I had suspicions that my new boyfriend was a closet alcoholic. I was in "love" and it would all be OK! Then he hit a car head-on and someone was killed. He insists he wasn't drinking. And as long as he was with me that day...he didn't. Now I'm waiting for blood tests to confirm my suspicions. I tried to stand by him through all of this. The only thing I wanted was honesty. I didn't get it..he's still drinking. I said good-bye but I'm having a really HARD TIME sticking to my guns. Anyone have the magic words for me?

April 5, 2004
11:16 pm
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annastar
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What is the question you asking? How to stay or how to leave? I would say- it depending on how much you want the guy. If you already decided- you don’t want him- don’t let him talk you in to helping him making you feel guilty. May be you can give him reasonable help, depending on level of closeness, commitments and obligations to each other and depending on your understanding of obligations of friend or good citizen or good Christian, but you don’t have to risk yourself to help him- your interests are priority. Do not expect him to stop drinking right away- again- depending on his problem, and it is up to you of how much you want to be involved and what relationships mean to you.

April 5, 2004
11:24 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Nrblonde, no magic words here. My alcoholic will lie about drinking. You're not married to him, and I wouldn't marry him nor would I keep on in a relationship. It just isn't worth it. If he isn't honest with you about his drinking, he's really not ready to give it up. First, of course, they have to admit they have a problem instead of hiding it. W

April 5, 2004
11:35 pm
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nrblonde
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No, I'm not married to him. I tried to be a friend but my feelings were too strong for him. My helpfullness to him was getting in the way of my role as a mother. Obviously, my child is first but I know he doesn't have anyone to help him through this...I think I fit the bill of a codependent!? I should just walk away but I feel like I'm leaving at his greatest time of need.

April 5, 2004
11:47 pm
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annastar
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Check this out: many years ago I was in relationships with drug edict. He got in trouble with copes and I spent lots of money and my health, trying to save him. Month later he committed suicide or got overdosed- not sure what was it. He was 28. It was long term relationships and I am not sure- I got over the tragedy by now- I keep thinking- if would I let him go to jail- may be he would be alive now. Not to make a point- just to share story.

April 6, 2004
6:53 am
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nrblonde
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Wow...but you did make a point..and you did get over it. Don't think about what ifs. I think mine will end up in jail. Maybe after that he can get the help he needs...on his own. I can't do it for him and you couldn't do it for yours.

April 6, 2004
5:02 pm
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CAMER
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i was with an alcoholic for 3 1/2 years, and he went on many benders and lost alot, house, job, cars, friends...etc...I clung on harder to help him...what I learned was that
you cannot change someone, they have to want to become sober themselves..and sometimes "love" is blind. I am not in the relationship
anymore, and I do wish you the best.

April 9, 2004
10:22 pm
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nrblonde
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You all have been very helpful. "Closet drinker" is now getting therapy and has joined AA! He sounds great when I talk to him. Very upbeat, looking to the future and sick of feeling like sh--! I believe that he is really going to make it. Not having gone through this turnaround before and I realize that no one has a crystal ball but can anyone give me some insight. Is this a pattern for alcoholics? Or will time only tell?

April 9, 2004
10:50 pm
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annastar
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It helps to some people and wouldn’t to others. Time sure will tell. Is he got in to therapy because of court request? I think- it is a good news any way- enjoy it! I am very happy for you!

April 10, 2004
10:35 pm
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nrblonde
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annastar....thanks, your insights have been enlightening!

April 11, 2004
1:55 am
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NancyW
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Dear nrblonde, I can really relate to what you're going through. I WAS engaged to an alcoholic for 1 1/2 years. It was a nightmare! I finally convinced him that if we were going to make it work, the drinking had to stop. I'd gotten him to give up pot 6 months prior. By the way, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself and a recovering codependent. Surprisingly, he agreed to quit drinking, but thought he didn't need AA. He said it was mind over matter. Sadly, he only made it 2 1/2 weeks without drinking. I tried and tried to convince him there's a better life out there, but he wasn't willing to even look. You've got a chance with your boyfriend if he's genuine about his counseling and AA. Even if he's truly genuine, you've got a long, hard road ahead of you, so does he. Just a few meetings won't "fix" him. I am dedicated to my sobriety & I'm as genuine about it as I can be, so I know a little bit about it. My best advice for you is show your support for him by getting yourself into Al-Anon!!!!!! They should give you a welcome packet of brochures so you can understand his disease better. If you have any questions, I'll answer them to the best of my ability. Good luck!

April 11, 2004
11:03 am
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nrblonde
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Maybe Al-Anon could help. I think I'm begining to wonder why I should put so much work into this relationship when there has to be someone out there whose baggage isn't so heavy. Am I just holding on to this relationship because of the fear of finding a new one or do I really think I can just remain friends with him and be there for support. He realizes that I'm confused and will accept whatever I decide to do. He knows that he has to get through this for himself and by himself if he needs to.

April 11, 2004
9:33 pm
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NancyW
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Dear nrblond, Speaking only from my experience, my recovery has worked better for me being alone. Every one is different. Being alone, I was forced to rely only on myself, AA and Al-Anon. I learned that true acceptance of me had to come from inside of me. It wasn't a simple matter of just once saying to myself, "I accept and love me." Anyone can do that. I had to look at my whole life, my attitudes, what and who I used to make me feel good. When I didn't have alcohol or my ex-fiance to cover the pain of not feeling good enough, instead of running away, I faced it head on. Talk about facing the devil! It took months of forcing myself to keep learning by reading about alcoholism and codependency and going to meetings. I KNOW if I'd stopped doing these things, I'd be right back where I was before. A suffering, miserable, blaming, victimized drunk. Not a pretty picture and not what I wanted for the rest of my life. By reading these discussions, you can maybe see self-defeating attitudes that some of us have: going back to the abuser, finding a new abuser, etc. Without learning HOW to spot them, we will end up with another one. You brought up an excellent point about why should you stay with this guy. I thought my ex was the be all and end all of men. I worshipped him. I can't deny, I still think he's attractive as hell, but instantly, I think about how I FELT ABOUT MYSELF when we were together, and that pretty much takes care of any longings. I tried to help him, too, as a friend. Ha Ha. I wanted to fix him, so he'd be with me. Tried and tried and tried. He pretended for awhile to get help, like most do (especially if they really don't think they have a problem). All I ended up looking like in his eyes was a controlling bitch. So much for me being his friend! You've got all the time in the world to decide if you want to stick by him. There are no time limits. I think time will tell and pay attention to how you're feeling. If you feel stressed, completely confused and bad about yourself, you might want to think seriously about getting over the fear of looking elsewhere.

April 11, 2004
10:59 pm
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annastar
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I have an opinion on AA meetings. I think- when you want to change your life, you got to change environment. Drug addicts or alcoholics can not stop, because of friends on each corner, calling them, invite them over, offer drugs, drinks and good time. Move to another town and meet totally new people is the only solution. Many of recoveries keep going to meetings to stay in familiar environment. After I started new life for myself- I kind of missed old friends, old talks about getting high- you come to meeting and here they are- you are home again! I agree- the best way is to make decision and follow it. May be meetings help, but also I disagree with “religion” of AA stating “You are sick and will never get better- keep coming back”. It takes away personal responsibility, giving excuses to slip back to old ways of behaving. About the guy you are talking about- we don’t know much about him- what can we say? If you want to save him- he probably deserved it- you would not worry for just anyone. If you don’t care much- then don’t worry about it- it is not your problem. It depends on his, yours investment in to relationships and so far. But- yes, it will take long time to he can get better (depending on how bad he now) His friends, environment, negative support group- all this needs to go and change. Take some work.

April 11, 2004
11:37 pm
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blindersBEINGslowlyREMOVED
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IF ANYONE THINKS THAT THEY CAN BE WITH A SICK PERSON FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME AND NOT HAVE THE MENTAL DISEASE SPREAD TO YOU= YOU'RE WRONG. I TOO HELPED MY HUSBAND THROUGH SUPPORT ONLY TO FIND OUT HIS PROBLEMS RAN DEEPER THAN ADDICTIONS- HE HAS PERSONALITY DISORDERS THE ALCHOL COVERED IT UP.

I NEVER HAD THE UNCERTAINTIES AND A WHOLE LOT MORE ISSUES THAT I FEEL CREEPING UP ON ME.

I DISCUSSED WITH HIM AT LENGTH POORED OUT MY SOUL ABOUT HOW I WANT THINGS TO BE LIKE THEY USED TO BE.
HOW WE NEED TO BE TOGETHER MORE AND HOW LONELY I FELT (OH HE CLINGED TO ME THE FIRST 6 MONTHS HE WAS OUT OF TREATMENT). HE HAS BEEN IN A DEPRESSION SINCE HE WAS A TEENAGER- EVERY SINCE AND CLAIMS THAT HE WILL NOT HAVE A THERAPIST OR ANYONE ELSE TRYING TO TELL HIM HOW TO RUN HIS LIFE. I TOLD HIM WE NEEDED MORE TIME TOGETHER WHEN WE ARE IN THE HOUSE (HAVEN'T SLEPT TOGETHER IN THREE WEEKS.)

I HOPE YOURS DO NOT CHANGE AS YOU GO FURTHER IN TO THE RELATIONSHIP. I THOUGHT OK IF HE STOPS DRINKING AND DRUGGING EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. OH HE PICKED UP OTHER ADDICTIONS LIKE "TELLING ME I AM GOING TO HAVE AN NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, "GETTING ME ADDICTED TO THIS SITE JUST TO GET SOME HELP FOR MYSELF", "GAMBLING ALL THE MONEY AWAY AND MAKING SURE I AM NOT AROUND BECUASE HE IS NOT PAYING BILLS".

I AM FILING FOR DIVORCE THIS WEEK !

PEACE, TO YOU -JUST MAKE SURE HIS PROBLEM IS REALLY SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND THAT THIS IS NOT REALLY A COVER UP FOR SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING LEAD HIM TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT IS -FIRST!

April 11, 2004
11:38 pm
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blindersBEINGslowlyREMOVED
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P.S. AFTER AN EXTENSIVE TALK THIS MORNING ABOUT BEING TOGETHER HE LEAVES AT 1:00PM AND COMES BACK AT 11:00PM.

I LEAVE FOR AN HOUR AND HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS.

April 11, 2004
11:46 pm
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blindersBEINGslowlyREMOVED
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.PS
and he runs to the other bedroom as not to sleep with me and guys are beating my door down, as i was a public figure on a tv show. that notariety has since worn off so maybe now that i am to him a 'regular' person the thrill is gone. maybe his mind was sick when he married me and i did not know. maybe, maybe, maybe...if you have doubts now- think what marriage would be like.

how can one man's queen turn into a pauper -whose eyes are he looking through. love is more than a word because he says he loves me but doesn't like being in my presence.

i swear i haven't changed, but it is time i did turn my back and never look back.

i know he has problems that i cannot solve. after our time together i need to worry about my mental. make sure you are strong enough to handle what may lie ahead. and then again you may be in for a beautiful relationship- i pray that is the case !

peace,
me

April 12, 2004
12:39 am
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annastar
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Nothing personal- just something I reading right now:
Smooth and relaxed breathing relaxes your body, and therefore relaxes your emotions. You
see, the man who is being divorced thinks, “Oh, if I get my wife back, then I’ll be happy.”
“After I get my wife back, then I’ll be happy.” “If I can only get my wife back, then I’ll be
happy.”
It never works. Switch it around. Make yourself happy first, then you can get your wife back.
A wife never comes back to an unhappy man who’s pressuring her to make him happy. Reality
shows us that. So smooth breathing calms our negative emotions down.

April 12, 2004
8:08 am
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NancyW
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What ever works for each of us, is what we have to do. It's too bad some have had a bad experience with AA and Al-Anon. The ones I've been to are NOT about "religion" and staying a victim, but spirituality and self responsibility. Alcoholism IS a cover up to dysfunction. Why else would some one continue to drink something that's supposed to relax them and make them feel better? The problem then lies in taking it to the extreme and becomes addicted to it. Moving away isn't an option for me. I own a business and my clientele is here. So, I had to make decisions and find people to be around who would support that decision. In my case, that meant sober, clean, true friends who were not out to hurt me to make themselves feel better.
I relate so well with Blinders. I thought I hadn't changed either with my ex-psyco-alcoholic-fiance. Those uncertainties that were being fed to me about my worth, seemed to creep in. But, looking back at it now, I remember about a week after he moved in, I was watching him walk around looking so depressed. I said to myself, this is the most unhappy man I've ever seen. He claims that first 6 months were the happiest in his life. Our first arguements were about if each of us were happy or not! Isn't that insane?! He thought I was unhappy with him. How do you convince someone you're happy when they're in your face insisting you're not?? It was so frustrating that I ended up NOT happy. He moved out 6 months ago, we did the on/off thing for awhile and just yesterday, I got an email from him STILL claiming how he couldn't make me happy. If it weren't so sad, it would be funny! Thank God, I have good friends to discuss things like this with, or I'd go right back to feeling like I'm responsible for his depression (which was there WAY before I knew him). He says he's in counseling, but he's not letting it work for him!! Why waste the counselor's time, when s/he could be helping a client who REALLY wants the help?? I can say I know that's not my problem, yet somewhere in the back of my mind, is this voice saying, "you have to get him to let his counseling work." My logic says, "No, you don't. If he doesn't want to let it work, that's his problem, not yours." It's a vicious cycle. In my case, I feel like I have to be "nice" and not turn my back, because after all, I was suppose to marry him. But, I also have to be a little selfish and protect my worth from him by saying, you've made your choices in how you want to live your life. Leave me out of it, because it doesn't feel good to me. I just thought of something, this could be called the "Nice person vs. The what-about-me? person complex".

April 12, 2004
8:35 am
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nrblonde
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Nancy W....you hit the nail on the head about the "fear" of looking elsewhere. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of...the unknown. When I'm with him as a supportive friend, all I keep thinking of is wanting to have sex. I'm under the illusion that I can have that and be supportive of him and just remain friends. I just want to find someone to be happy with. I keep forgeting that true happiness lies within me!

April 12, 2004
10:26 am
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NancyW
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The unknown can be sooo scary!! I TRY to look at it as an adventure. (That doesn't always work, fear is strong) With faith in myself, believing I have the right to say sorry, I made a mistake here, turn around and go onto the next path. If one path (or man, group of friends, etc) is full of brambles and poison ivy, don't we owe it to ourselves to turn onto a new path? One that's clear, beautiful and serene? I think so!!! If our companions want to turn with us, great! But if they want to wind up with scratches and itches, that's their choice.

April 12, 2004
10:51 am
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nrblonde
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Hope you don't mind if I cut that out and carry it with me??? Thanks!! You've been more help to me than I think you realize.(::()::)

April 12, 2004
11:07 am
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NancyW
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I'm glad I was helpful. What does the nr stand for? After you tell me, check out the thread "Soul Searching". Hugs to you!

April 12, 2004
11:14 am
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nrblonde
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nr= not real...used to be nrredhead...I'm a hairdresser!! 😉

April 13, 2004
9:40 am
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nrblonde
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My therapist said that I should move on...actual words were "You can cut off your hand slowly or in one chop!" While the one chop method is the one that most "supporters" feel that I should go with, I'm having more success with the slower option. Soon-to-be-ex says that he understands that I need to move on. He'll miss me, always love me but doesn't blame me.

I'm sad. I never had to break it off with anyone that I was still in love with.

I know it will get better..

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