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Can't get my dad off my mind
January 25, 2007
3:14 pm
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ocean lover
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September 30, 2010
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Thank you giggles for asking. I am still trying to decide whether to write the letter or not. I have address in my purse.......just not sure what to do at this point. It's just sooo frustrating. Like I said, I am very happy in my life and have so much to be thankful for (sometimes I feel that I am being selfish to complain about my problem), but being rejected by your father is so very hard. I was so much better about all of this until I actually decided to find him. Then I was great! After he cut off the relationship, I felt very vulnurable and used. I think that growing up as a child with an alcoholic parent it makes you very prone to keeping sort of an invisible protective wall up around you that only you know about. I find myself playing out scenerios in my mind, like ok, if my husband left me tomorrow, I would survive. If so and so happened, I think I could survive. It's almost like I feel I need to be strong all the time just in case. I can handle that very well, but the rejection from my father has been difficult for me. I really gave him a piece of my mind after he called me and told me it was over. In fact I called him on his cell phone and he didn't answer. I was crying hysterically and I left a loooonnnggg message and told him exactly how I felt. I told him how upset I was as a child that I didn't have a father. I really said some strong things. During our conversation before I left the message (when he was breaking the relationship with me) he put his wife (with bipolar disorder) on the phone and she was so ugly to me. It was almost as if she were enjoying the entire thing. When she told me that I was a sneaky child (the few times I spent with my dad and her growing up) and then she asked me why couldn't I just leave "MY DAD" alone and let them live their lives, I lost it with her too. I called her a stupid b***h before I even realized it. I don't use that word unless I absolutley lose control of the words coming out of my mouth and this was one of those rare occurrences. So, that is why I hesitate to write the letter. I just keep him on my mind whether he deserves my time or not. Like I said, this all happened about 8 months ago, so now I find myself wondering if he ever thinks about me and regrets what he did.

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