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can't get him to leave
May 10, 2007
12:22 am
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idratherbalone
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I have been with this man for 5 years we have a 4 year old daughter I let him move in with me about 2 yrs ago and in that time I confided in him as I thought I could trust him, now he doesn't have a job does not help financially or with our daughter or around the house I have 2 older children that do not like him

I work 45+ hours a week drop our daughter off and pick her up from school take care of her in the evening anytime I ask him to drop her off or pick her up he always has an excuse I want him out he is so negitive I am so unhappy in my own home.

Earlier in our relationship I confieded in him and told him something I had done at work that could get me fired, now that I am asking him to move out he says if I lock him out he will call my job and tell them what I did and get me fired, I am the one who pays the bills and takes care of our daughter but I can't make him leave without him jeoperdizing my job what can I do I want him out of my life so I can be happy.

May 10, 2007
1:36 am
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free
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is it possible to lie if he calls your work? Can you say "what he says did not happen, I've kicked him out of the house,this is an attempt at revenge, and I'm sorry my personal life has entereed into my work life."

?

free

May 10, 2007
10:54 am
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lonely and addicted
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You do have a right to worry about your job and I am not underminin that but you do need to get him the h*** out!

I was involved with a man for 3 years, two of them we were "together". After a year and a few months, he moved in with me, my three children, and his three children. Everything was great. He did have a job so I don't have that part of your experience but I was worn out beyond belief. We'd fight, he'd go to work or to the bar and I'd take care of the kids, all 6 of them. I also worked and went to school part time. I even helped him at the farm. I was a WRECK!

I lost friendships and my foster mom threatened to come throw his stuff out of the house if I didn't make him leave. It took some time but at 11pm one night I just blew! I made him leave, 4 of the kids were still awake but I had enough. Angry cruel words were said from each of us and I realized at that time how much I disliked him and couldn't wait to get rid of him.

Since then, I have grown. It took along time to heal for me but through counseling and medication I am stronger than I have ever been in my life.
Think of you and those kids. It may be time to get yourself together.
If it was me and there was a threat on my job I would lie. Not that I would be proud of doing that but if it was the only way, I would and I am sure alot of other people would to. I would also ask my self if it would be really that damaging if it did come out, maybe talking to your boss, telling him about what is going on and the threats. OR would it be totally detrimental if you did come forward and tell the truth.

The truth is always hard but you have to think of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Your heakth and mental well being is the most important.

I don't know if I helped at all, but I do know a little bit about those feelings of helplessness.

L&A

May 10, 2007
11:44 am
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atalose
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Does he have proof to back up his threat? That is the key to your freedom from this man.

If he does NOT have any proof then go to your boss and explain your home situation that you
want to kick him out and it could get ugly for you for a little while. Most bosses would appreciate this up front rather then hearing about it after the fact or during those days of bad phone calls and possibly un-welcomed appearances at the office.

Don’t let his threats keep you hostage in an un-happy situation that is effecting you and your kids.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 10, 2007
2:25 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Ok worst case scenario - What if you do get fired? what would happen then..honestly? Would you die? No, i think not. Would things be a bit harder? yes, I think. Might you get another job? - as a wagering man I'll say definitely yes. maybe your new job will be better and higher paying

Maybe you won't get fired at all.

I don't think this guy has any key at all regarding what you choose to do with your future.

May 10, 2007
2:29 pm
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sad sack
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Oh, how I could relate!

What is wrong with these guys who refuse to leave? Why on earth would anyone want to remain in a home with someone who clearly wants out of the relationship? That is what happened to me.

My exbf (the father of my son) would not leave when I asked him to. We had been together for about 14 years and we were just not getting along. He was very immature, vindictive, and disagreeable. I was plain miserable. I wanted him out years before I actually announced it to him. He refused. I even went to the police and they said I would have to go through family court and get him evicted. I decided against that because I did not want my son to go through the experience of seeing his father evicted from our home (I owned the home by the way). So I agreed to let him stay until our son was older and would be able to handle it better. We were under the same roof, but we were not "together." He clearly wanted to reconcile, but I wanted no part of that. To me it was so over. Well, letting him stay was the biggest mistake of my life. My son grew so angry with me because he blamed me for all the problems between his father and me. He only saw the wonderful "Joe". I protected my son against the real, nasty, vindictive "Joe". My ex would tell me things like "I am never leaving." When I told him that I will then sell the house he said "I will sabotage the sale." He was just such a mean person. So anyway, I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I would just basically stay in my room all the time. I did not know what to do. I would pray that he would find someone else because I knew that was the only way he would leave. Low and behold that is what happened. He found someone else and even got married. I couldn't have been happier.

So, anyway, I certainly can sympathize with you. You cannot let him blackmail you like that. I agree with Atalose - approach your boss and explain the situation.There is no need to disclose everything, but you can explain the threats and what's behind them. Your husband then has nothing to hold over your head. You only have one life - is this the way you want to live it? I made a huge mistake and wasted so many years of my life, but you don't have to . You can start today and devise a plan to leave him. Do you want your children to grow up in such an unhealthy environment? Is that fair to them?

Oh by the way, when I went to the police, they told me that I cannot legally change the locks and forbid him from entering the house. I would have to go through the legal system and get him officially evicted. I would suggest that you consult a lawyer. Are you afraid of him becoming violent, once he is put in a corner? If so, I would consult a domestic abuse counselor. You will need plenty of support. Don't be too proud to reach out to people.

My thoughts are with you. I know how it feels to be a prisoner in one's own home. It is a nightmare.

I wish you well.

Sad

May 10, 2007
4:31 pm
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AQueen
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Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, okay? I remember being in your shoes and thinking the same thing, how can I get him out of my home??? The answer turned out to be very very very simple. I told him he had to leave. Since he wouldn't leave I called the police. He left before the police came. Next time he returned I told him through the door to leave, that he wasn't allowed to live with me anymore. I had some bad things happen with him trying to run off with my son but that's off topic. I went and got a protective order aka no contact order. The order stated he wasn't allowed to come within 500ft of my home, work, school, my son's daycare, anywhere I was basically. He wasn't allowed to call or send email or regular mail to me. If he wanted to see his son he had to meet me at a public place of my choosing. He had to contact his Mother and tell her what date and time he wanted vistitation and she would then contact me and we would discuss it. You don't know how nice it's been not having him there sponging off me financially, emotionally, mentally, physically! It's nice not having him call begging for another chance and then cursing me calling me nasty names when I don't give in, that's what he used to when I would kick him out in the past. It took me a few times before it dawned on me that things didn't have to be so hard. That I could ask for help and I could make this work. The codependent in us thinks we are helping them by providing a place for them to life and food to eat, clean clothes to wear, a ear to listen to their problems, and on and. Through counseling and support groups I found I wasn't helping him. I was helping him continue to be a loser with no job, no accountablitiy, no responsiablity, and so on. How would he ever get motivation to get a job when didn't really have to because I was taking care of everything? Sure I might bitch and moan but he would let in go in one ear and out the other to keep his place to stay. He won't better himself until he's forced to. He has to lose something in order for him to want to gain something. My ex used every reason in the book to avoid responsiablity and accountability. He was sick and needed medical attention, he was having problems with depression, he had learning diabilities, he didn't understand job applications, etc. Silly excuses. He had worked before for years! If you don't want to call the police then try telling him to leave. If he doesn't then when you go to get a protective order tell the police you need assistance to get him out of the house. They will come and escort him out. You can still have some contact if you wish like visitation with the kids some place other than the house, the house isn't a good place because it's where you live. You want a neutral location. It sucks to have to go this route but if they refuse to leave you have to do what you have to do for your well being. I would tell him to leave first and give him an opportunity to leave on his own accord. When you tell him be prepared for him to try to wear you down between the time you tell him and the time he has to be out. So if you give him 24 hours then plan on not being there during that time, especially when it's time for him to leave. If you are too worried he'll mess with your stuff then have the police there to monitor the situation. I belong to a few support groups and have hear numerous stories of having to kick husbands out, boyfriends out, brother or sisters out, parents out, friends out, and I've had my own experiance to draw from and it's best if you aren't around when he's leaving. It's best if you aren't around after you tell him because you better believe he'll make a bunch of promises and kiss ass so you'll change your mind. I have a 6 month old son and I refuse to raise him in an unhealthy environemnt. It's a form of manipulation when your partner refuses to help out at all. He wants to be taken care of and he'll do anything to keep it going so he'll say anything. Actions speak louder than words. There is a saying it goes like this--What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying. If he is serious about changing then let him work on his changes on his own, in his own place, with his own job, with his own responsiabilites. He needs to show he's changed, not talk about it. Maybe you will get back together after he's moved out and gottend himself together and you start seeing eachother again. WHen I kicked my ex out I knew he had no where to go. No friends, no family to take him in, nothing. It was the streets for him. I had to do it. I felt bad at first then I realized he chose to live on the streets because I had told him if he didn't get his life together he would be kicked out. He chose not to get his life together knowing full well he would be kicked out. I set my ex up with counseling, worker retraining, treatment, and still he couldn't stick with it. My guy is an addict, so drugs and his controlling behavior were reasons to end things. He wouldn't work, he wouldn't clean, he wouldn't stop using, just a total lack of respect. So try telling him and if it doesn't work then call the police. After he leaves you have to be strong with him, no wishy washy mixed signal because that just makes it harder of both of you. Good luck.
AQueen

May 10, 2007
5:06 pm
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nappy
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Oh, the "I want leave bit".
My theory is yes you will.

You said:
I let him move in with me.
and you can let him move out.

That to me means that he is not on your lease. And it sound like this is not a husband, just a boyfriend.
Yes you will leave.

Whatever you did at your job, if he told, would you go to jail behind the situation? If not then, yes you will leave.

Your boyfriend would of been gone if he was living with me because I just couldn't see me working like a slave and he is just sitting or laying there like he is a king. Please
Yes you will leave.

Now the household, this is a place where you would call a safe haven. This is a place of rest. The ones that I see is enjoying the peace is the boyfriend and the 4 year old. The rest of the family is hating to come home because of him. Please. If you are not helping me to provide a roof over our heads.
Yes you will leave.

I had one of them and I loved him dearly but when I got tired of his shit, I didn't yell, I didn't get mad. First I just stop talking to him, just like he wasn't even in the house. I had separated myself from him even while living with him. I didn't see him anymore and he was right before my eyes. Everything stop!
But when he would look at me, I would give this smile and I think that he started getting scared of me because he didn't know what I was up to. Oh, he also had a job but I just didn't want him there. So I came home from work like I always do and started packing up his stuff. Setting everything that he owned outside. He was sitting on the couch with my youngest son watching tv. He was to scared to ask what was I doing. I had brought some locks for the doors and I starting changing them. When all of that was finish. I had ask him to come outside because we needed to talk. When I had gotten him outside, I just look at him and with that same smile, went right back into MY APARTMENT and close the door and lock it with my new locks, that he didn't have a key to. Then I told the landlord that he does not live here anymore.
I guess he didn't know that I had changed the locks because the next day while I was at work, he came back trying to use his keys but they didn't work, tried going to the landlord but they told him that he wasn't on the lease and that he needed to get off the property. He left.
I love you, but you are not staying here.
And the funny thing about it was that when he left, the darkness went away and the sun was shining.
Nappy

May 10, 2007
5:09 pm
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Don't let him control you or his life. The people at work don't know him but they know you. Call his bluff and make him get out of your life. Then go and be happy.

May 10, 2007
9:11 pm
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idratherbalone
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I work at a financial institution and if he tells them it will put that doubt in their mind and they will not have the same trust they have for me now I am in a management position. He works on cars and he always has side jobs but I never see any money. He gets up and leaves by 7 am and returns around 11 0r 12 pm to go to bed. We don't talk or hardly see each other. In january he wanted to remodel the bathroom he gutted the whole room and all he has finished is the tiles on the wall and the tub in he needs to finish the floor, toilet and sink it should not take 5 months to finish this room. He told me if I changed the locks and locked him out he was going to have the last laugh. I hate him he is such a negitive person. He said he will leave when he finds a job and gets his own place that could take a long time. Why should I have to suffer while he saves for his own place and does not help here?

May 10, 2007
10:42 pm
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You're going to tell me that your work would believe heresay coming from an unemployed man with an ax to grind? Come on, I think you need to have more faith in the people you work with to spot bullshit. This man is using the old "when I" line, when I get a job or when I find a place or when I this--yeah that's when I'll move out--NOT! I just helped a friend throw her brother out because he got out of jail for assaulting their Dad and had nowhere to go, he did have money though but was too cheap to rent a place. He's 35 by the way with severe mental illness but refuses to seek help or acknowledge he's ill. Anyways he took over her apartment and disrespected her daily. He ate all her food and ordered a house phone line saying he'd pay for it, he didn't. She has a 9 month old baby and is a single mom in school and in treatment for some addiction issues. She's doing well but doesn't need the added stress. She never wanted a roommate, especially one that is schizophrenic and refuses help. He showed up on her door and she was weak and let him in, she told him two weeks max. Yesterday it was one month. So we talked and she really wanted support and I told her kicking him out was the right thing. He has money to get his own place, he's cheap. He's abusive. She doesn't need the stress. Her own parents won't take him in but they expect her to! So she got new locks and changed the locks and when he showed up she had already packed his bags so she handed them to him and escorted him outside. He screamed and yelled but she held firm. She set up a place for her to stay so she doesn't have to deal with him trying to come back to her place this weekend. She'll return on Sunday. I told her I was proud of her and that she isn't being selfish, she's setting healthy boundries. She said that I'm an inspiration to her since I kicked my problem person out of my house and out of my life. Her brother has beat her in the past and he was starting to get violent. She doesn't need the damn stress. So yes it takes some effort to get them out but it's possiable and life is so much better without them. You can do it.
AQueen

May 14, 2007
12:16 pm
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smarterone
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Oh my god, just reading this gives me chills, nappy, queen, i know you all mean well, but you know i am not as strong as you and my situation. So i would believe "Id rather be..." is just the same. Yes i think he can do harm and then maybe no. You can never tell these days with jobs and she needs it. He has her andhe knows it. I'd rather...get another job first, or get legal advice, i dont know, i am going thru hell too, read smarter sites, or shaney's site. Queen, i have a spare room why dont you come down and kick my guys out or come take me for a while, you are one tough mama, lov you.
Nap, thank you for you caring for all of us. Its amazing how low someone will go to get a free bed and meal. Good luck IRB (id rather be) ill be back. read my posts,

May 14, 2007
12:51 pm
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nappy
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Iratherbe, is stronger then she thinks. This man does not have a hold on her or her job. The only thing that he is doing is preying on a person that have convince herself that she is weak. That is all he is doing.
He is living there for FREE, he is eating there for FREE, he is taking advantage of her for FREE, he is breathing up the air for FREE,

Please he would be free alright.
Flying his butt right out the door.

Nappy

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