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cant forgive my mother
May 20, 2001
2:48 pm
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unforgiven
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hello everyone,

I am trying to wrap up unfinished business which is only holding ME and those who love me back.

i recently injured my back and was hospitalised for two weeks, i havenever asked my mother for help but this time i had no choice; she has always let me and my siblings down in the past and i didnt expect much but this was an emergency/

i have never had any family to help and support me and my children;.
i had no one other than my husband to help care for our children but he had to work

i was in excruciating pain, plus i am pregnant;
i was shaking with the pain as my back spasmd emdlessly and i said to my husband through tears, i have to call my mother to help us.

she is a narcisscistic, abusive bitch and has never changed.She is now alone and has always been alone because of her cold hearted, deceitful ways/ No ,man or person wants to be with her, she is angry and abusive to every one she meets even innocent serving people or public servants. She will find ways to criticise them or abuse them or threaten them.it is truly horrible.
I have tried to see the light in her and care for her regardless, but when i tell you she has gone out of her way to hurt me at any chance especailly when i am vulnerable. i am not exaggerating.
so, i called her in tears and told her i had injured my back and need her to help me, she immediately snapped and hissed the hospitol will take care of you. and im not coming there and then she hung up/
This woman is practically the epitomy of evil.
Has any one had a demon for a mother and how did you deal with her. i am so angry and i know this is only hurt ing me and brings me closer to the monster she is.

May 20, 2001
8:06 pm
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Molly
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Right now protect your self, and heal. But in your sentence you stated, I am so angry and I know this is only hurting me and brings me closer to the monster she is. You see it, and know it, just how she became a monster. Not today and maybe never, she might get it, but your job is knowing and accepting. Some day not in the immediate future, you might be able to communicate with her, try to remember religious values, try to remember that love heals. I am sorry she dissapointed you again, I am sorry for your situation. Time will help.

May 20, 2001
10:48 pm
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unforgiven
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why would i want to communicate with her, i really am prepared to not have anything to do with her until i lay my eyes on her dead face lying in her coffin and i dont know whether i will feel much loss, perhaps relief.
i am not a cold person, but i have been let down, abandoned, betrayed, used and abused by this loveless person since i can remember. she has no interest or love for me or my children, she just doesnt know what love is.

May 20, 2001
11:03 pm
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chippy
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She is either sick or cold. Either way my father always told me to feel sorry for people like that because they have to live with themselves.

Pity her poor life and see how terrible it really is....yes, her own making but for all any of us know she could have a terrible chemical unbalance. I suggest you stay away from her as much as possible and develop loving people around you who can care for you in the way you desire, and that you can call on when you are ill. While she is your mother, it is only in name and not in actions.....so look for the actions elsewhere and do not judge her....really she may be ill.

I too had a problem Mother.....I truly do understand.....love what you can about her and leave the rest to God.....make good and loving friends.

May 21, 2001
9:46 am
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pg lova
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Unforgiven,

As a minister, I must tell you that although I understamnd where you're coming from, you mus forgive your mother. That doesn't mean having anything to do with her, but for the sake of peace in your own mind forgive her.

God Bless

PG Lova

May 21, 2001
11:34 am
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Molly
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What I was trying to point out as well as the others, is don't carry anger, IT WILL TURN YOU INTO THE MONSTER SHE IS.
You don't have to talk to her, but for a healthy emotional state for the rest of your life, you must be complete with her. Perhaps that non-emotional state, write a letter, put all your venom, hurt, anger, pain, into that letter, and then burn it, send it out into the universe. But don't carry it.

May 22, 2001
11:12 am
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Ladeska
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Boy Howdy - Do I know about this one! Well....how you deal with her is - you don't. You never ask her for squat again and forgive yourself for doing it this time.

You won't change her, so leave her alone. The title of mother is there - but quite frankly - it's not happening in reality, so don't expect it to.

Your anger towards her has more to do with "why" she did something so unjust to you because you did not deserve it. Get off of that one because as you have stated - she'd do it to anyone, not just you.

I know this is hard to deal with, I had the same problem - had two mothers - a real one and a stepmother that I had to axe out of my life completely. I speak to neither one of them and am fine with it. They are miserable little people and quite vicious in their misery. I removed myself as a target and you have to do the same thing.

Our fairy tale vision of what coulda, shoulda been - isn't. So, we have to walk on. She just isn't on the list of "who to call" about anything anymore. You slipped and that's okay, just don't do it again and live your life in the harmony that you know you deserve. Stop kicking yourself and "live well". It is - the best revenge...

May 22, 2001
12:51 pm
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skimbleshanks
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hi... well you might have heard this before.

My mother died knowing i was hurt by her and hadn't forgiven her yet. I speak to her every day telling her i forgive her, and hope that she hears. After her death, i forgot all the hurts and remembered only the love and appreciation. now i wish she was hear to tell it to.

I pray for healing of your heart, and strength to overcome. I pray also to relieve her pain and struggles.

May 22, 2001
1:12 pm
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unforgiven
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i woke up with this anger and sadness towards my "mother" once again and i cant tell you how much it hurts me.
As a teen i used to work and go to school full time just so that i would have clothes that were not laughable and embarassing second hand clothes. My ":mother" would use the money she got for me from the governememt ( we were on assistance after my father and her split ) to buy herself dance/disco clothes and go out every weekend. I did not have anything to wear to school and at age fourteen i held a full time job and attended school including a sixteen hr shift on weekends. I saved my money and was able to buy the many necessities that should of been afforded me by my own parent, i also paid for things for my sister.
My mother was always yelling and screaming at me, she would blame me for everything. She would call me insane, a whore a selfish bitch. You name it. I was anything but any of thsoe things. I was ultra responsible and got good grades even though` i also worked. I remember the stress levels were so high as a teen that i would often have panic and anxiety attacks. I had to eventually confide in my mother about this stress and depression but she would tell me, "oh your face is always as long as a fiddle, ive got my own problems i dont need to hear yours" I never told her of my feelings again.
I had few friends because i felt very empty and became needy. I would often have boyfriends because i was pretty, dressed well and friendly but all relationships wiht men would eventually turn to abuse and they would treat me the same wayas my mother and father had.
My mother began to call me a slut when i started to have boyfriends and she would accuse me of going after her boyfriends when she brought them home from the discos. This was ridiculous, but she would say to them that i was her sister so as not to reveal her true age to them.
I found this to be unbearably cruel.
My sib lings and i would joke abou t a dark cloud descending upon the house when she would come home. It truly felt like the devil himself coming home when she would come home.
I put myself through university and she could not stand this. I got a degree in a field she had always loved but never made any accomplishment in. She blamed that upon her parents.
I became a single parent at the age of twenty and still kmanaged to hold a full course load. She would never watch her grandson unless i paid her and i had to pay her well.
I had university housing and it was great accom for my son and i at a very low cost. I lived there for my first year but my mother would call and complain that she was going to lose her house unless she got a lodger to help her with her morgage, i of course gave up my housing to help her. I lived there for a few months before she started back to her boundary breaking abusive ways and threw me and my son out without any notice.
She even, get this, axed up my thousand dollar bedroom suite while i was gone, saying she had warned me to come and get it out of her baseement suite but i hadnt come soon enough forher so she decided to "dismantle" it herself.
This was the only piece of furniture i had as a single mom,., this was devastating. I was furious. I had always been angry with her, she is the devil incarnate tome.
When she threw me out i was seeing a guy who i didnt really care for becausae he was becoming really controlling and abusive. She had askeed him without me knowing if he would be willing to live with me and my child if i needed to get my own place.
She pushed me right into this psycho.
For the next few years, my son and "I went through hell, I stayed so long because i had a baby with him and i tried to work it out. I thought he would change, just like i alwyas thought my mother would change. I always thought these people who supposedly loved me would feel sorrry for the way they had treated me, have true remorse and change. I now feel that i victimised myself and son because it was such a strong pattern of unfinished business that i had with my mother that it was hard for me to see the cold hard facts. N?ot only did this guy not love me, but he loved to hurt us. IT made him feel like he was normal, like i was the one to blame. As i write this i realise that my Mother needed to feel like she wa s normal, like i was the insane one and i was the provocateur.
The pain and dysfunction her influence had on me and my relationshps was enormous.
I am still healing, but i have come so far.
Anyways, there are periods where i am physically abused while pregnant by this guy and i beg my mother to take me in a nd help us but she hangs up on me, turns m,e away at xmas in the snow
( including m y small children) a period of homelessness ( two weeks ) where i asked her if i could temp stay with her for the tw0 weeks, along with my two small children........turned me away.
i was put ina dangerous situation and almost raped because of this......
story goes on.
she has left me phone messages and letters blaming me for her misery, depression and inability to get any where in life. she has been verbally and emotionally abusive to my children.
she sends second hand cheap presents, when she does send presents for my children. she never acknowledges my birthday or gets me gifts. I have always sent her expensive gifts and cards......i know i must be crazy.
i have always had compassion for her, i believe her to be very ill. But. I have set myself up so many times, becaue i want a mother and a mothers love only to be hurt, abused and used.
She used to steal things from my home when she came to visit, clothes, makeup etc.
i remember when i was a teen if i used a jewellery item of hers without asking ( rare) she put locks on her bedroom door.
My cousin who was about 20 stayed with us for six months once, she had nice clothes and my mother would wear them when she was at work.
i, as a young teen, like her clothes too but i knew what my mother was doing was wrong, but this one time i wore a halter top of hers. i had sun cream on when i wore it so of course my cousin questioned my mother about the sun cream smell on a n item of her clothing. She then screamed at me qand showed me up. Little did she know my mother wore her clothes every day. I woudl watch my mother lie and manipulate people all the time and i knew it was wrong. S"he would say everyone in the neighborhood hated her, and she was right. My siblings and i suffered because of her bizarre behavior.
She would throw my dogs poop over onto our neighbors manicured lawn, every damn day. large quantities of it. I would ask her why, she would say she hated her neighbor. Our neighbor had a son who had committed suicide and i felt sorry for her.
My mother got into a verbal confront with her aobut this poop situation, of course, and my mother had the cruelness to bring up her sons suicide and blame her. "I was so ashamed and i felt so disgussted by my mother.
The story goes on.
The psycho i was forced to live with whom i had the baby by became so possessive and abusive i had had enough. I left him and he followed me to another state. HE would threaten me, stalk me etc. I could not have a life without fear. I eventually had to consider leaving the country. I was a single mom with two children and had no money, for the first time in my life i asked mymom to help me financially. "She had never before and i knew she wouldnt, her money was more important to her than life itself. She managed to part with two hundred whole dollars. I was starting al ife in a nother country with my two children and allshe could cough up was two hundred dollars.
I cant tell you how hard my life was after i left.
'fast forward into the future, every year has events where she has been abusive to me, cause i let her.
I keep letting this heartless demon hurt me and my family over and over again, all because i feel sorry for her.
I know i have codependency issues in teh past and this is why, but i will no longer let her in my life.But as you can see, she is still very much in my life. The rage and sadness eats at me. I have asked god tohelp me in forgiving her, but she to this day feels she has done nothing wrong. She says, ok i wasnt a perfect mother but let go of it already, go into the future. She uses my forgiveness and compassion to get into m y life again and wreak emotional havoc. I have had many situations of physical adn financial weakness where i needed help for my family and m yself but i knew i could not get any help from her, just pain. She actually enjoys it when i am not doing too well, but thanks to my healing, these episodes or less and less and my life is way more stable now.
My husband and i jsut brought our first home and it; is not a starter home it is a beautiful home. The type of home my mother always wanted and talked about;.
After she had seen it she told me i didnt deserve it. She would do this with all my successes, she also says i dont deserve my current husband and if we b reak up i will never get another man like him, insinuating it s some big fluke that i even have a healthy loving man in my life.

well i think yuo get the picture, this writing has been a cleansing of sorts a I would like to hear more on the forgiveness issue.
i can tell you right now, i cant count on this woman to do anything for me, except kick me when im down and enjoy it.
As a mother, i just can not understand her........just cant.

May 22, 2001
1:54 pm
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Ladeska
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I don't think you need to forgive her right now. You're not ready and that's okay. And I'm not sure your idea of forgiving is what you need to be doing anyways. The Forgiving you need to do at some point isn't about saying - anything she did is okay. Quite the contrary. It's about you releasing their last hold of control of you by letting your anger go. It's about - releasing "because" you know what you're holding is burning "your hand" the longer you hold it. And that this act of forgiveness is more about - you not allowing them to continue to hurt you this far into your life. When you do truly let go - they can't hurt you anymore and you're basically releasing back on them - all that they've thrown at you.

It's nice and all that people write you and say - remember the good ole times - but, um...your life with her - didn't have those kind of times. And you don't have to pretend they were there or try to make them up in your head. She was a freaking bitch to you. Period. End of story. Forgiving her isn't about you being nice-nice. It's about saying - I will not let you have this hold on me anymore. I have other uses for all this place where I hold my anger and pain for you. So, I willfully decide that I'm not letting you have this part of me anymore. I release you to what you've chosen for your life. I wish you well. I hope you figure it out, but you ain't controlling my life anymore - that's for damned sure.

Forgiving someone that has really majorly hurt you and still isn't sorry about it - is more about you cutting the poisonous vines wrapping around your heart and laying them in "their yard" with a note from you that says - have fun with these - they aren't growing in MY yard anymore. I can forgive you - simply because - I'm stronger than you....AND I also realize that I do not deserve to keep this kind of crap in my life anymore and believe that I deserve to still be ruled by you in some way.

People, including a lot of Christians, (which I am a Christian, btw) have the mistaken belief that "forgiving" someone is this place you get to where you just love, love, love them - these people who have been your tormentors.... Well, loving someone......can also be about - loving truth and speaking truth.....whether they like it or accept it or not. And what forgiving them does for them is - basically make them wear what they've been throwing at you all these years. You're taking all the weapons and land mines and bombs and traps and throwing them back across the fence and looking them straight in the eye with the look that says - No More. I don't accept this in my life......please find the door to my life and have a nice life yourself. That kind of "love" is only destructive IF the other person chooses wrongly. Otherwise, it could be a fine day for them to accept their own responsibility and to turn their life around. What you do is lock them out of yours and pull the plug. What they do with that is their own business and choice. But - you forgiving them by protecting you and letting all the poison go - could be a turning point in their life IF they let it.

Things don't have to be mushy sweet here. Firm.....will do nicely. Hey Mom - I'm kicking this hatred and pain to the curb, locking you out of life at the same time and giving you the chance to do something constructive with this bad energy that comes from you towards me - that I now have unplugged and given back to you. It's your move - choose wisely. This game of you hurting me - is now - officially "over". Have a nice life.

That's what you do.....but.....you have to get there - via purging.....via releasing. I realize you may not be a Christian - but, there is a good book that helped me immensely before I had my meeting with my parent. It's called - The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Andersen. Good book. Also another book for you to read that I strongly suggest is called - People of the Lie by Dr. Scott Peck. That will also help you more than you will ever know. (Smile)

May 22, 2001
1:57 pm
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skimbleshanks
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Glad you got it out in the open. she obviously is sick - inside and out. Pity a person like that. They obviously want to leave this world and, like a wild animal, are scratching the eyes out of anyone trying to help them.

Seek asylum for yourself. Leave her alone in her misery. It's the best thing for you. Heal your heart, your soul. The only way is to start keeping her out. Meditate to keep out the thoughts, to bring in the centeredness to your spirit. Stabilize your inner life.

You will find work like this on yourself will strengthen you enough to love her.

May 22, 2001
3:17 pm
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Ladeska
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The thing about loving someone like is....you can't do it while you're in striking distance and "that" is not loving yourself.... So, to be able to forgive or love her - you must first extend all that to yourself - by protecting you, nurturing yourself, realizing that you have a right to your rage, to your pain, but not to hold onto it forever....at some point - to let go of it. Not that you won't remember it ever again - because you will - but releasing it as having the right to own you, to live in the same dwelling you do. We all get reminded, we all have our down times, we cannot escape that - our past is part of us. But...we do have the will "also" to choose this minute, this hour - what we will be and what we will allow to be our force within. When you start to flow with love and peace for "you" - then it won't be so hard to extend it. However, that does not mean you stand in harm's way doing it. (smile)

May 22, 2001
3:18 pm
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Molly
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That had to feel good. The rest will come in time. All have given you good advice, and now you can process it, when you can. There are two books I read that helped me, one Toxic Parents, and the other, White Oleander. Just give your self time, you know what and who she is, gave her just one last chance and she blew it, her loss, her problems, her life, so enjoy your children and your freedom.

May 22, 2001
6:26 pm
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unforgiven
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Thank you all so much, Molly, I loved white oleander and ironically that is the one book that i gave to m y mother as a gift. I never heard anything from her regarding the book, but i guess she got the message.
"i have also read toxic parents and Susan
Forward is amazing. IT s funny how intellectually you get it but it sure takes a while for it to emotionally sink in.
Thank you all so much, more than words can say.

May 22, 2001
11:08 pm
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Ladeska
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She's not going to listen to you, so you're wasting your time giving her books....got a little something to tell you here....

The deal with mothers who cannot love their daughters has alot of fingers to it, but one sticks out to me, especially with my own mother and that is - you represent a little "her" to her own self image. So....if she hated herself growing up, if she has alot of guilt about her own self - right or wrong - then alot of times she will tag "you" with it and make you her own personal little voodoo doll to stick when she feels pain about herself. Instead of "her" feeling it - she'll turn around and smack you for it because after all - you are a "little her" in her mind.

Therefore, the longer you stay in striking distance - the more brutal the attacks will be as she spirals down and tries to take you with her and the more nasty she will get when you pull away but then come back. She needs the release and she will get frustrated if you come into view and then go away again.

She's a viper with her own poison going on and like a person drowning - she will try and take you with her because in her mind - you are the ugly that she is because you are her daughter. She can't see - who you really are. She's incapable.

So, the best thing for you to do is to remove yourself from being the target and voodoo doll. Live your own life and wish her well. You can't pick who you're born to, but you can pick your family. I laugh when my christian friend say to me - but, the good book says - honor your father and mother and I say...well, I would if they fit the biblical definition of being a loving mother and father. Wouldn't be a problem for me! (smile) I know, I'm a brat. Oh well, someone has to do it!

Life is simple like that to me.

May 23, 2001
12:07 pm
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unforgiven
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ladeska,; it take s courage and wisdom to be a brat.. it sounds like you know whats going on, the patterns and the truth.
i dont know whether i resemble a little
'her' in her mind...she hates me thats for sure. she is jealous of me thats for sure. when i put on a lot of weight after having my last child, she said

'you look disgusting, i look better than you and im 20 yrs older
'
now i know she has always prided herself on her appearance, although she has a face like a bag full of spanners and although she may hate herself, shes treats herself like gold.
she used to hit me as a child, once she put my head through a window at the age of seventeen and then never let me back in the house. i had to find some where to live, fortunately a girlfriend let me stay with her.
she has been rough with my children and she has told my little one to shut up, she has also put him down for not being able to read.( HE WAS FOUR AT THE TIME) but he has felt self concious about his reading ever since. She is trying to transfer her toxicity onto my children. i dont want her any where near my kids.; whenever i have nothing to do with her and she knows shes out, she tries everything to m,anipulate her way back, telling me she has a right to see HER grand children. As if i have nothing to do with my own children. She says i made them hate her.
l really feel like getting legal with all of this......we dont want her contacting us by e mail or phone aNY MORE. She should be locked up.

i remember during arguments at home, she woul d phase out and start palming the walls as if she was losing it. she would look at me and not recognise me. The last time she has an argument with me she screamed at me and said stay away from me. she acted as if i was going to hurt her. I said mom, are hyou ok, you are acting like im going to kill you or something and she said yes, i think you might. she was holed up in the bathroom adn sobbing hysterically, my husband told me he had never seen such a display of unbalanced behavior.
she used to scare me as a kid when she did this. she also used to wake up in the middle of hte night choking and then she would sleep walk and feel her way along th e walls.
she used to tellme she felt like she was suffocating.
my father used to beat her, once he hit her in the head with something metal.
i usedto stand in between them and try to protect her, once my father through a rock at her and i intercepted it only getting hurt myself. i also saw my father trying to push her head into a deep fat fryer.
pretty insane \huh/

my childhood was a stephen king movie.

i have tried to help her, and told her to get counselling but she refuses, she only says im the one with the proble,m. she is always having relationship problems with everyone and she just doesnt get it. or doesnt want to.

May 23, 2001
12:10 pm
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unforgiven
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shes also making a fraudulent claim with an insurance board here and it sickens me. it should be reported.
she goes to homeless shselters where they give away food and clothes and takes from them just to get a bargain, this woman has no concience.i can only assume she has some kind of mental illness. i think she should be assessed for her own good.

May 23, 2001
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Ladeska
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Oh my......sounds like my childhood as far as the needle on the rector scale for trauma! Sweetie....the very best thing you can do - is stay away from her completely and forever. You might want to try to get her locked up - she needs to be - for her own wellbeing and for anyone else's wellbeing that comes into contact with her. She's a sick and twisted puppy.

And apart from all that - you need to do alot of purging, too..... You've locked up sooo much inside you. Can I just say how sorry I am that you weren't loved and adored like the precious little one I'm sure you were....I am truly very sorry for that....it hurts me. I know how it feels....me too. Life is such a brutal jungle sometimes, isn't it? Makes no sense.

But, you can have different boundaries now and a different life that doesn't allow her to bring her poison inside your castle walls. She doesn't deserve the right to even be heard. She's dangerous. End of story. Protect you and yours - bar the door, axe communication. This sounds brutal, but it needs to be done. She will only hurt you. She's not a mother - she's a vicious, dangerous person who will hurt you and yours - if you let her.

May 23, 2001
12:34 pm
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Molly
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You need to cut her loose, glad to see your getting it all out . She obviously hates her self, duh, and the disease has festered. You can't help her, like the story goes, you can lead a horse to water, and sometimes they just piss in the lake. She for years, sick of her self, yet she knew she could do something about it, this is what domestic violence, and acceptance of that life style will do to a person, she couldn't lash back or leave, so in turn the rest of the world needs to suffer like she does. My mom was real ugly, vs real evil, she would say and do the most cruel of things, she so abused my father, he was a passive man, who found solitude in vallium and vodka, it eventually killed him, and her anger eventually killed her. After my father died, and trust me my girls had very little interaction with her, I did not speak to her , write her or see her for 5 years. I was the closest to her board and care and when her physician called each of us to a meeting about her immenent death, well the least I could do was visit her on my lunch hour. It was my rules, be nice talk nice or I leave, and your all alone, and won't get the fast food for your cravings. Its funny the way the universe works, I studied drug and alcoholism, to better understand why some can and why some can't to get an idea of my father disease, then due to my education, when I did visit my mother, I was as close and as distant as if she were a client. I was pretty emotionally detached, pain prevention. It was the skills I had learned in school, that helped me to heal before she did die. I realized that we all want the fantasy mother, or even just an ok mother, and sometimes we don't get it, way before I read the book white oleander, which I suggested for you, not your mother, she wouldn't get it, haha. I don't think you need to take legal action, just protective action, just say no, if the question arises,you can be polite, or at least try, then if she crosses the line like tossing her self on your lawn, or front door, then call the police, and she will most likely get treatment too!

May 23, 2001
1:16 pm
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Ladeska
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Way good writing here, Molly, as usual. (smile) Unfortunately, it is the thing of wanting the "fantasy" to come true. Damn those fairy tales!!! They do mess with our brains, don't they? Although most of them were twisted as well if you look deep enough into them. Even our lullabies...rockabye baby till the bough breaks! What kind of noise is that??

Reality dictates that - life is not fair - period. However, since we are "reasoning" creatures with a ton of power and creative force at our fingertips - we can take the mess we were born into and make something else out of it. And that's what we're talking about here. Doing just that.

The fantasy doesn't exist - but what you can do creatively in reality - does exist - at least the potential of that - is just sitting there waiting for us to grab the paints, the easel, the modeling clay and become - unparalyzed with grief and fear that we start.....creating our own space, our own life, and picking our own family. It's actually quite freeing to say No to what you were born into and turn around and go - I choose this - instead. Why? Because I CAN! (smile)

May 23, 2001
2:21 pm
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Molly
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Exactly, but so many years wasted, either in anger, pain, or lack, and then someone said GET OUT OF LA LA LAND, and its that simple. Where were these boards in the 70's?

Maybe just like Site Cordinator's energy plan, no funding, lack of interest?

May 25, 2001
1:11 pm
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unforgiven
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thank you both again.
as mean as she has been, i could never "lock her up" or go out of my way to hurt her, but i will protect my self and my children from her forever.
When i wrote to you all about my past with my "mother" it was a cleansing of sorts and i could not believe the pain that i came from and i felt like a little girl again writing those words.
i felt such empathy for the little girl who suffered so much trauma and witnessed such bizarre behavior and lovelessness. it is no wonder i had such horrible experiences in primary relationships subsequently.
I am proud of how far i have come and how much i have grown.
I have accepted that my mother is unbalanced, ill, cruel and miserable and she will always try to make me and my children like her.She especially has it in for me. IT is hard for me to fathom wanting to pull your own child down with you in such a way, it is almost evil.
I am now at a point where i can pray for her healing and peace, in whatever way god sees fit. Thank you all and i hope you all find closure and healing in respects to your primary abusors.
unforgiven

May 25, 2001
1:53 pm
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I think you're name should be changed to Forgiven....because more than anything else I think you've gotten to the point of being able to forgive her - but at the same time - put you and yourself behind your protective gates.

I am sooo glad that you are affirming your little one....that's so majorly important. And it's okay to return there and cry with her, for her, help her to grow up and learn what it is to have a happy childhood as much as possible. That's one reason why I'm such a big kid....I blow bubbles, act like a fool, roll people's yards with toilet paper, etc. (smile) It's the least I can do for "her". She deserves to run and play and to know that it - wasn't about her, that she never deserved any of the torment...

What is very beautiful in this world - sometimes, attracts the most evil...I think it is an envious kind of thing...seeing beauty, purity, liveliness and wanting to stomp it out because they are so void and empty. But, the thing is - the one small amount of darkness coming into a light room - doesn't extinguish the light. But...if you bring a small candle into a totally dark room - the darkness knows it not and is penetrated and sent on it's way. So, you remember that. One tiny ounce of light, of faith, of affirmation, of grace, of mercy is stronger than the best weapons that can be hurled at us.

It is the small, vulnerable looking willow that bends and survives the storm - not the huge, strong oak...

I'm very proud of you!

May 29, 2001
9:30 pm
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unforgiven
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Thank you so much Ladeska, what a wonderful mother you must be.
I certainly felt nurtured and cared for by your words, I thank you deeply for that.
You are so right when you talk about the dark being attracted to the light, I now see that the more light i had going on in my life the more she wanted to be a part of it.
You are right, the more successful in our society, the happy are always targeted by the sad and lonely ones.
It s as if we make our selves targets, unknowingly.
It means a lot that you find pride in what i have written, because I found kindess on these pages. I am also proud of myself, little girl and grown woman. God bless you LAdeska, Molly, Chippy, skimbleshanks and all.
What sweet ladies, you deserve only the goodness that you give to others.
Know that you have all helped change a life here.

May 29, 2001
9:57 pm
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...you brought tears to my eyes...write me anytime at [email protected] Would love to hear from you.

You know...this life is really all about trying to learn how to dance through everything with grace and with beauty. As women, we have an incredible ability to do just this and yet so many times we stop short and don't break through those walls. We have a right to be beautiful, graceful human beings, to turn people's heads, to give inspiration like little rose petals where we walk....we possess a special kind of energy that we should really let go and let it shine like the bright light it is.

I see you doing this and all I have to do is step away and watch it go...you're only doing - what you were meant to do anyways...we just got some of the weeds out of the way, eh?

Walk cautionsly in the jungle, but never lose your ability to hold your head up and walk with dignity, too.

It is "your time" to dance, to make happy with the time you have, to leave tracks for others to follow - where you have courageously walked and overcome....

And yes, I love being a mother...there is no greater job on earth, even if it means being a mommie to you for a short time. (smiles and hugs) You are deserving of that and I am willing.

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