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Can't decide what to do
February 10, 2004
10:07 pm
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Kody
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September 27, 2010
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I have been separated 5 years,finalizing my divorce. I met J. as I was leaving and fell in love. He left his wife almost 3 years ago
and has 2 kids 8 and 12. He keeps saying he wants committment with me but has not got a legal separation and visits his kids 3 plus nights a week. The rest of the time he was staying at my house until I said I didn't want to "play house" anymore without him being legally separated. His wife is controlling and they still have a joint bank account. I used to think it was great that he was just a great father, because my ex is rarely here for our sons.
Now I know I want and deserve a more committment relationship.J. is lovely and charming when he is with me and sex is great.
I know I am codependant and I chose 2 men who are unavailable.The first one emotionally and the second one is still tied to his family. I started going to Al Anon because J. often drinks too much. J also recently lost his job. They say wait 6 months before leaving the relattionship because there is so much to learn. I am seeing my obsession with thinking about his life and what he should do. What that happens I read and change my thought patterns. It is working and I am feeling stronger but I still can't quite cut the cord. Do I sound like J. with his wife?
No kidding. Writing this, I can see myself as a victim and the whole thing sounds so unhealthy, but does anyone have advice to help me decide to move on or stay and learn more about my codependencies?

February 10, 2004
11:38 pm
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Squeezles
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September 30, 2010
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You can be a great father without having an 'intimate' relationship with the mother of your children. Why after three years of separation do they still have joint bank accounts? Laziness or he's secretly hoping something will 'happen' and he's keeping his options open? Either way I don't think he's really doing himself or his wife any good. This guy doesn't sound like he's ready to cut ties with wifey - which is fine, but he needs to be honest with you about it. He doesn't really sound like a bag of roses in a lot of other respects either, to be honest.

Do you like this guy? Do you really want to be with him? Draw up a list of pros and cons for your relationship and outweigh whether you really think that the cons are worth it.

February 10, 2004
11:55 pm
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Zinnie
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September 29, 2010
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Does he have any interest in sobering up? Also, another thing to think about is do you want to chain yourself to someone with an alcohol problem?

Where would he be if he did not have you to live with?

Z.

February 11, 2004
8:38 am
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MadTypist
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You are not a "victim" in anyway at all, and yes, do the pros and cons thing,,, agrees...
Typist

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