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Can't ~Decide!! Need Help!
July 6, 2007
2:07 am
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NewLeaf
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I'm new here so let me give you a little history on my situation.
I seperated from my husband 4 years ago. He was abusive to me and my oldest child. During the seperation, I ran into my ex-BF. He and I always had a strong connection, yet had not seen or spoke to each other in 6 years. We began seeing each other, and I told him all the horrible things that occured in my marriage.
One night we were talking outside my home when my husband pulls up(he had been stalking me). Well BF beats up husband, and husband never bothered me again. Naturally I saw BF as "my knight in shining armor" from then on.
A few months later we moved in together. Six months pass, only a few problems come up. Then I got sick and the finances went south. BF wasn't bringing in much money. I was the bread winner in the house. And supporting 4 kids, him, and my dad took a toll on my mental and physical. A year later I asked BF to move out.
Time went by, he got a job, and we started talking about moving in together and "making it work".
A year ago we gave it a go. Three months later we were in trouble again. Six months ago we got over our troubles .........and yesterday he moved out.
I'm a little hurt about the break up, but the real problem is that I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live here by myself, my car needs major repairs, I was planning to go to school this Fall, and I don't have anyone that can give me solid advise. The friends and family I'm close with usually turn to me for advise, so when I tell them about my problems I hear more about theirs.
Should I try to move out of state? Somewhere that is not so expensive. I really don't want to keep moving the kids around. BF isn't being much help. Offered to move back here if I was moving out.
I can't think straight. Afraid that I'm going to make a bad decision AGAIN!!
Anyone have any ideas?

July 6, 2007
8:03 am
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CAMER
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now did your bf move out yesterday?? and what was the reason??? most likely finances or just not getting along??

You did mention moving out of state, where its less expensive, if that is a choice you can do, maybe you could check out the real estate market and housing.

I know you don't want to keep moving the kids around, and maybe this time you can make a promise to yourself to set some boundaries for yourself and stay put, wherever that may be, and not get involved with men or have men move in too soon, until you know in your heart things are right.

You do have choices. Keep posting, it helps...(((camer)))

July 6, 2007
8:55 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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can you rent one of your rooms out to make ends meet?

do you get child support or are you eligible for any state or county assistance?

with four children, even if you can get WIC (milk, cereal and such) it can help...the food banks often can help too.

with four kids and a dependent father you support, you may also be eligible for section 8 or HUD housing - if you are in danger of becoming homeless, you may be able to get immediate housing, instead of waiting on a list. Also, many communities have low income housing with sliding fee rents based on income and household size.

To see if you qualify for any of this or get phone numbers for other agencies, call your local social worker in your town. They will have many ideas to help you...and if they are short with you, keep pushing, keep calling....be persistent.

I don't know your income, but basing it on the idea of having four kids and a father to support.

Could you talk to your landlord and ask for a reduced rent? sometimes they see it as better to reduce the rent instead of losing a tenant....as it costs money for them to repaint, clean and find a new tenant.

Moving out of state MAY be an option (I did it and it worked for me), but it MUST be a well thought out, WELL planned decision. You MUST know everything about the area you are moving, have a job and housing lined up and know what your options are if those options don't work...know that you have options if that job doesn't work...not just move on a whim. I have done both. and the only time I succeeded was when I knew there were plenty of places for me to choose from for housing, that I could afford, and that there were at least three companies who would hire me if I needed a job. I also checked out the schools to make sure they were good enough for my child. And the neighborhood.

If you must move, do your homework.

There is hope, don't give up.

July 6, 2007
12:13 pm
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NewLeaf
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He moved out because he's tired of fighting. And so am I. Funny how you can look cross-eyed at a person, and a little while later they are gone.

To make it so bad, he really didn't want to leave. He just did.

I think he wants to come back now, but I don't know if I can deal with it. I don't know if I'm being too stubborn, but he really sent me a message.

How can someone walk out on you one day (over nothing), then tell you they love you the next?

I really love him. I just don't think he can love ME.......not that woman he wants me to be.

He called and asked if he could have his brother start bringing his stuff over. I guess we are going back to living in seperate rooms again.

July 6, 2007
12:48 pm
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CAMER
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i do hope all works out well for you both & maybe now to work on the real realationship issues...(((good luck)))

July 6, 2007
1:14 pm
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atalose
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What kind of woman did he tell you he wants you to be???

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2007
1:31 pm
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NewLeaf
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He never "told" me what kind of woman he wants me to be, he just tries to change things about me.

I'm a night owl, he's a morning person.

I want to go to school, he wants me to start my own business.

The things he wants me to change are not bad, it's just not me.

He's got things I'd like to change..... the age old leaving the toilet seat up, loosing my good tweezers, investing in wierd business ventures......

I complain about the tweezers and leave the rest alone. Can't I get the same?

July 6, 2007
1:59 pm
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StronginHim77
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A partner who tries to "change" you, instead of accepting WHO YOU ARE (quirks, foibles and all) is bad news. I'm not talking about small stuff like the tweezers, but major ticket items (like starting a business, instead of pursuing your education).

That's not a good sign of a healthy partner.

In view of all the tension and strife between you, perhaps it would be best at this point to let him go peacefully and focus on your own growth, education, etc.

- Ma Strong

July 6, 2007
3:41 pm
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NewLeaf
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That's the hard part.....letting go.

And I don't mean to make him seem as though he has never supported me. There was a time that I thought I'd die rather than live and he pulled me through.
He used my CODE against me so that I never stopped until my children and I were together again. Lost them cause of ex-husband.
And he does want me to go to school, he just wanted us to be a little more financially secure for our family.
Believe me when I say I'm not making excuses for him. I suffered the whole DV thing and he is not munipulative....and least not to me-LOL

This is hard for me.....I keep crying. I don't think I've really CRIED, CRIED for some time.

The first time we met, I was at a loss for words. And when we looked at each other, everyone in the room felt it. I never really believed you could fall in love at first sight. I always thought that was just your hormones working over time- LOL

He and I have the craziest CODE relationship. Can two CODE people work through this?

I feel like a piece of me is dead when we go through this..........

July 6, 2007
3:43 pm
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NewLeaf
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My dad just took my son for the weekend too.

I'm just a wreck

July 11, 2007
11:56 pm
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_anonymous
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You sound lost. Have to focus on your priorities. Looking into affordable housing and obtaining it would help. Sending kids to dads and family members helps to. Obviously BF is not there for you or helping you out. I can sense your feelings of powerlessness.

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