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cannott continue.
March 7, 2000
1:31 pm
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loner
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my wife and me are strangers.my 2 beautiful sons aged 7 and 5 are the only thing stopping me from killing myself but it is such a struggle.maybe its because i was sexually abused or my father was an alcoholic or maybe its because i wasted my education.one thing i do know is i need to talk to someone.

March 7, 2000
2:14 pm
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Brenda
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god I feel for you. Tell us more. You are not alone. Are you married? Who sexually abused you?

March 7, 2000
2:18 pm
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Brenda
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oh, I see that you are married, sorry, are you still together?
Why are you a stranger to your wife, how so?
Were you abused at a young age?
Are your parents still in your life?
Are you receiving counselling now?
What do you mean you wasted your education?

March 7, 2000
3:11 pm
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loner
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thank you Brenda i will tell all. unable right now give me an hour.

March 7, 2000
4:33 pm
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janes
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Those two boys are reason enough to get to a counselor RIGHT NOW TAKE A DAY OFF WORK GO GO GO GO GO GO GO NOW NOW NOW NOWNOWNOWNOW

Money is not as issue...nothing is an issue but your mental health.
More later after you're post

March 7, 2000
5:21 pm
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loner
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I am aged 34 and married for 8 years. The abuse started when i was six years old.My older cousin used to babysit me while my parents would go out.He used to sleep in my bed with me as he lived the other side of the city. I had to jerk him off.I was too scared to say anything as my father beat my mother when he was drunk.This always went on.As for my wife? well i poured my heart out once and told her everything as theres a lot more to tell and i will slowly tell all once i feel more confident. she tells me to snap out of it and get on with things. she does not love me and only for our kids she would leave me.As for my education. The teachers used to say i was smart but wasted my so called talent. I suppose i did try hard and i did have good interest in school but no body cared and i always seemed to be worried about what was happening at home.So i never took any exams and left school early. Will say more later and thank you for giving me this chance to talk.

March 7, 2000
5:48 pm
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PUGGY
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THIS IS MY FIRST TIME VISTING THIS SITE!BUT I FEEL I NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE THAT WE NOT JUDGE ME! I AM GOING THROUGH A VERY EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! I HAVE BEEN IN A REALTIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE FOR ALMOST 7 YRS. AND I FEEL THE NEED FOR IT TO BE MORE!! BUT I DON'T FEEL THE SAME FROM HIM. I NEVER LOVE SO UNCONDITIONALLY IN MY LIFE! I FEEL I DESERVE MORE AFTER ALL THIS TIME, BUT I KEEP GETTING EXCUSES! WE HAVE HAD ALOT OF PROBLEMS AND I DON'T PUT ALL THE BLAME ON HIM. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START TO FIX IT THOUGH. I WAS ALSO SEXUALLY ABUSE WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND HE KNOWS ABOUT IT. I WANT TO FINALLY START TO FACE IT AND LEARN THAT IT HAS AFFECTED ME IN WAYS THAT I NEVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED!! IF YOU WANT TO REPLY DO SO!

March 7, 2000
6:21 pm
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Brenda
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Loner, it sounds as if you have had a lot of violation of self in your life and feel victimised in many ways. If I have learned one thing, it is that no one is a victim unless they allow it to be so. children are an exception, you were eight and abused and frightened at home.
You couldnt even concentrate on your schooling or talents. This is truly sad, but you can transcend all of this if you jsut give yourself a little compassion and not look to your wife for the love but to yourself.
start by getting some immediate counselling for your depression, hopelessness and loneliness.
It all stems from not being personally validated, protected and nurtured as a child.
I am still struggling with my own sense of self worth in my own personal relationships but I have gained a lot of head way.
It is a tough road, but if you keep the focus on yourself on not on blaming others, you will succeed.
Please feel free to talk about all your feelings, others here will validate, support and help.

March 7, 2000
9:23 pm
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janes
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Loner....HUG those boys...YOU are NOT alone!!!!!!!

Brenda is right on with what she has told you.

Read through the postings on this site...not necc. for the problems listed but for the "what to do's". They all come back to one thing

1) Love Yourself... that is even biblical..Love your neighbor as yourself..(if you don't love YOU..you can't be loving your neighbor)

2) As an adult...don't blame others for your problems now

3) Be angry as hell at the cousin who aboused you. (he probably abused others too) confront him

4) ANY education you have is not wasted
Any talents you had you still have and can be developed. More education is not out of the question as a community college will accept someone your age with just a high school test or even less. (I am a teacher and yur spelling and sentence structure is pretty good. )

5) Your wife...you dumped a lot of stuff on someone who couldn't handle it..May be she is a totally uncompassionate bitch or may be she just couldn't handle it and she may have issues of her own.

6) Be angry as hell at the alcohalic father and the codependent mother letting you grow in a non nurturing home.

7) ALL OF THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

8) LETTING IT CONTINUE TO COMNSUME YOU AND EAT YOU ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT IS YOUR FAULT.

9) We will be rude, we will abrupt, we will be blunt, we will be honest, we will be bssy and AND and we WILL BE HERE!!!!

10) Get thee to a cousnelor. Get thee to an ACOA (adult children of Alcohalics ) meeting. Go to the reading list and write down what you need to read.

Hurry up......we're waiting.

Take care.. Hug those boys...ask for hugs from them...take them out for a day...enjoy what is enjoyable - ignore what isn't!! Giggle, tell jokes, laugh, read and study.

I am sure you will be hearing from more of us

March 8, 2000
9:03 am
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loner
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Thank you all, i think this site is going,to do me some good. Will talk more later today.

March 8, 2000
9:47 am
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lost soul
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hi loner, what a sad name that you have chosen, it says alot about how you are feeling now. Just like mine, when i first visited this site sometime last year september, i named myself LOST SOUL. that was precisely how I felt. I recieved alot of advises and encouragement, thus, It makes me feel better. I also pour out alot of my secret, my fear, my life encounter which I never tell anyone so detail before. ( not even my husband ) I felt alot better after I let it out bit by bit. Ofcourse I am not comfortable to let it all out at one time, but letting it out does help.
Hope these "lay man" words will help too.
Well, just to let you know, after sometime I name myself "HOPE"

March 8, 2000
12:31 pm
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fed up
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I want to confirm that visiting this site for the first time about three weeks ago, was the best thing I have done in the last year. It really helps to hear from other people and also see your own thoughts in writing.

March 8, 2000
2:00 pm
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loner
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Thank you all for your kind words.I slept yet again on my own last night. My wife brings our kids to bed and sleeps with the youngest untill he falls asleep.However this means she doesnot bother to get up and i always spend the evening alone.She used to come into our bed arond one or two o,clock,lately she cant even do that and she has started to stay in kids room allnight.i have just offered to bring them up and run her a bath and give her a massage but she said no thanks and as i write this she is in another room and does"nt even know what i am doing.its the same every night and i fear for my kids knowing mammy and daddy are so unhappy. how can i help them to grow happy and secure and how can i help myself.

March 8, 2000
3:32 pm
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fed up
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I am sorry I want to help you but I am unsure what to say. I am thinking about you and your family, you obviously cant carry on with things like this,I think you need to talk to your wife again? How long have things been strained between you and your wife? Could you get away together and spend a day talking things through.

March 8, 2000
3:49 pm
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loner
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Ihave tried . This all started since i started to tell her about my abuse maybe she cant handle it but does she have to be so cruel.i always seem to be the one offering T.L.C. but it gets thrown back at me my pain is unbearable. thank you for your concern

March 8, 2000
6:35 pm
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loner
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is there a chatroom where we could all meet.

March 8, 2000
10:34 pm
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janes
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WE get to long winded for chat rooms and if you read enough here you start to realize this support group may be separated by several time sones and at least 4 continents.

I know sometimes it doesn't seem quick enough...but we muddled through.

March 13, 2000
10:32 am
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hazza
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Hi Loner,
i am so sorry that you are having problems right now.
try to be forgiving of your wife at least until you understand more of why she is unable to help you right now, sometimes people just find it very difficult to cope with these things, maybe she is scared about how you are coping? may be she is in denial becuase she is afraid that this issue will come and throw the family into disarray? i don't know, hey maybe she has abuse issues of her own, either way, the best way forward for you is to be able to get through this without RELYING on anyone else support but your own. Other people can only ever be a support to you, no -one outside yourself can take this pain away from you, that is your challenge and yours alone!
But we are all here, and have so much collective experience, we can talk to you for the time being.
maybe your wife feels too much pressure to make this pain "go away" for you? i have been in that position myself before and i must admit i found myself distancing myself from the other person becuase i felt i was being "taken over" by their constand need of me to provide everything to make them happy and to be the only one to give them any self esteem.
if you rely on anyone other than yourself to make you feel worthwhile then you are on a rocky road, my friend. The love the other person gives you will never be enough, your doubts and insecurities will just grow to consume what ever they give you and stioll want more. The other person will feel exhausted and finally resentful trying to keep up. You need to get your self worth from your own self. things will grow from there.
try to tell us here the positives in your life, are you a good father? what are the skills you have that make you a special unique person? they are there but you need to look for them sometimes when you feel down.
reading some of the other posts here will really help too, it is strange but when you read stuff here you see that really the things that make us feel so alone as humans are the main things we have in common, there isn't a person alive who hasn't felt this stuff to some degree at least once.
You are not alone, build yourself back up to the person you should have been if all this bad stuff hadn't happened. And try very hard to accept the past as being the past, it may suck but it doesn't have to affect your future too.
Peace
Hazza

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