Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Can you stop from falling out of love?
January 15, 2003
11:55 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What do you think? I see lots of posts about people who have lost interest in their partners and due to that start looking outside, wondering what is out there, what they are missing. ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO. I find myself completely aggravated by little things these days... from him never picking up his cell phone and letting calls go straight to voice mail, to him being too busy to spend nights with me, or not letting me into his apartment because it's too messy, or him not being organized enough to be on time or meet me when he says he will, or him just plain old having other priorities besides me. It gets to the point that I don't even want to talk to him, I'm so sick of it. How do I step back and see what's really going on? Am I (a) trying to sabatoge the relationship because I'm afraid of committment? (b) Playing sour grapes because all of my friends are getting married or engaged? (c) Really do have legitimate gripes that I'm not getting what I need out of the relationship? (d) still bitter over his deep depression he went into when he was unemployed for 9 months last year? (e) just flat out pissed off for being rejected sexually for the last year and turning passive aggressive?

He tells me he loves me so often, like 20 times on the phone in one conversation (I mean it is really excessive), but it feels like lip service to me, and it feels like a lie to me when I repeat it to him. He says that he treats me so good, but if that's true, then why do I feel so empty and let down with him all the time?

January 15, 2003
2:41 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think you and I've "conversed" on a thread not too long ago -- I am one of those people you are "me too"-ing about. 🙂

I think the sad fact is that if we feel this way, this is not the relationship for us. If efforts are made to try, and things still feel empty inside, then the fact may very well be that what was there is gone. I am sad for the loss, and am perhaps hanging on longer than is healthy.

Perfect illustration of this is the song by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Have you ever heard it -- "Quitting Time"? I will post the lyrics next.

I hear you girl. If you want to visit, I'm here. And in shoes sadly similar to yours.

January 15, 2003
2:48 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Here it is:

It rings so true to me.
************************************
Hey baby tell me what we're gonna do
It's getting crazy and I need some help from you
We were so connected that you were a part of me
Now I feel an emptiness right to the heart of me

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

Hey baby I'm running out of things to say
Please don't hate me this feeling just won't go away
Now we're spending all our time caught in a fantasy
Just trying to keep in mind the way it used to be

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

January 15, 2003
3:15 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry folks, I'll do it again, I'll post a poem in German

It's about this couple, they've known each other for years, and then their love just went astray. They try to act as if nothing happened, try to kiss, try to have fun together, but they end up staring at each other in a lonely café, 'and they simply can't believe it'. Not really helpful, but it reminds me soo much of what you are telling about your relationship.

(it's from Erich Kaestner)

Sachliche Romanze

Als sie einander acht Jahre kannten

(und man darf sagen: sie kannten sich gut),

kam ihre Liebe plötzlich abhanden.

Wie anderen Leuten ein Stock oder Hut.

Sie waren traurig, betrugen sich heiter,

versuchten Küsse, als ob nichts sei,

und sahen sich an und wußten nicht weiter.

Da weinte sie schließlich. Und er stand dabei.

Vom Fenster aus konnte man Schiffen winken.

er sagte, es wäre schon Viertel nach vier

und Zeit, irgendwo Kaffee zu trinken.

Nebenan übte ein Mensch Klavier.

Sie gingen ins kleinste Café am Ort

und rührten in ihren Tassen.

Am Abend saßen sie immer noch dort.

Sie saßen allein, und sie sprachen kein Wort

und konnten es einfach nicht fassen.

January 15, 2003
3:18 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Ginger!

I have noticed that your posts from the past couple of days are laced with a little anger/frustration. I'm not sure if it's just about the bf or about you getting a little restless. Hm...maybe just the SOS of daily living?

Getting back to your five choices here:
a) trying to sabatoge the relationship because I'm afraid of committment?
b) Playing sour grapes because all of my friends are getting married or engaged?
c) Really do have legitimate gripes that I'm not getting what I need out of the relationship?
d) still bitter over his deep depression he went into when he was unemployed for 9 months last year?
e) just flat out pissed off for being rejected sexually for the last year and turning passive aggressive?

Could be any of the 5 choices or a combination. I think d and e are very much intertwined. And I can see how the resentment would build up. You know, 'When will it be Ginger-time?' You have been pretty supportive and now he's too busy for you?

Only you can see what the reality is. Sometimes we get so emotional that we almost make the next action occur, which further confirms the bf is a jerk (or worse). What about Ginger taking a long weekend to go see family or a good friend, without bf in the picture? It may clear your head a little, and make sure you go somewhere relaxing!! Take a step back and see what you want out of a relationship and see if it compares with what you are actually getting.

You have such a fiery personality and seem so driven! Is your bf similar, or more of a compliment to your nature (laid-back)? I'm just curious on that one!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a boy-toy for the weekend. That would wait on you hand and foot, give you massages and basically jump through hoops to give you pleasure!

Oh! If only wishes could come true!

Hang in there lady! 🙂

January 15, 2003
3:49 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If people are 'falling in love' then the reverse would be 'climbing out of love' - wouldn't it? It sounds like some sort of giant cesspit. 🙂

January 15, 2003
6:26 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tez, wow, what common sense...I love it. And that's exactly how it goes sometimes. You just cant get out of that "love" fast enough, climb as you may.

Ginger, I think Tez hit it on the nose. I think all 5 apply my dear friend. And add to that the winter funks that pile up, especially in sunny Seattle... *weak grin*
I think you are "climbing" up on all those 5 like steps. The relationship is not fulfilling anymore (if it ever was) and you have stopped falling and are now recovering and seeing all the signs. You can stop and settle at any time..but do you want to?
You know you've been questioning these feelings you have for a long time now. From what you've told me, I just think you put up with his shortcomings because you do not want to be alone, and the single/dating scene is a drag, and also the engaged friends thing weighs heavily sometimes. I'm also sure you do love him, but enough? Enough for you?
Enough for him?
Seems like you guys are absolutely great people, but perhaps just not for each other, ya think?

January 15, 2003
6:38 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hello, gl, we have discussed this before , you can't fit a square peg in a round whole, unless you shave off part of the peg ? Being there, and really being there are two different things. Look at what happens when you get the it doesn't fit, and take it any how ( hello-16 years later) You are young, why you wasting your time, he isn't even a steady date, nor do you get the nookie ? that is if I recall. he is all over the page, with his kid issues, his work issues, your stregnth issues, so like what is really up with that. TV ain't all that bad. The longer you hang onto this the less you get to explore, no?
Yea its hard to meet people, but you aren't having much fun, or satisfaction, it just grows resentmemt. The clock keeps ticking.
he ain't gonna change, and trust me a normal wouldn't give a damn about the mess in his house, he would move the crap and jump your bones. any one correct me if wrong.

January 15, 2003
7:11 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And so there it is Gin....tellin it like it is...the woman is down but not out... 🙂

January 15, 2003
7:42 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Ginger~ You have so much to offer and it sounds like this guy is just making excuses to you. You deserve better! If the situation were reversed wouldn't you let him in if your place was messy or wouldn't you be on time or call if you were going to be later than planned? Sure you would because that is how you treat people that you care about. Have you and your boyfriend tried talking about how it makes you feel when he does these things? If he truly cares about you then he should want to try and make things better. Otherwise he isn't worth it.

January 15, 2003
9:17 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Loved the songs and the poetry, ladies. Wish my German were better, but all I know how to say in German is "where is the toilet", "I think I'm pregnant although I am a virgin" and "I broke my teeth on hard nuts" (long story, think college kids, German phrase book, and a few rounds of Guinness)...

I think one of the things that gets to me, Jenny, is that he came across as someone who really had his shit together. He dressed very neatly, managed his job, the national guard, a second teaching job at a local community college, had a good relationship (seemingly) with his family, and just in general seemed really organized. But then after we started dating, work fell apart for him (we worked in the same office), and he was eventually terminated for performance reasons. He is still bitter over that, saying that he has never been ranked as anything but A++ on all his other jobs. He still says that he has his shit together, that he is kicking ass and taking names, and is completely organized, on time, etc. But then he isn't with me. And each time that he doesn't pass muster, he tells me that it's an exception, or that he had a really good excuse. He needs to set expectations for me. See, if he tells me straight up "look, I know from the last 12 years I've been in the army that it takes me 4 hours to get this stuff ready, so I won't see you until 8pm" I can deal fine with that. But when he says "Hey, I'll hurry this time, I'll be there by 6", and then is late, and we have a fight at 7:30 because he's late, he ends up not being there until 9 anyway because of all the time we wasted fighting about it.

Not to bring astrology in, but I'm a true Capricorn. Very methodical, organized, etc. He is an Aquarius, head in the clouds, a dreamer. He gets completely caught up in the inane. Like if we are in a hurry to get somewhere, or *I* am, like to go out and pick up food for dinner or something, he will start "dawdling", like picking up the cats and playing with them, or checking something online "real quick", while I'm standing around waiting for him. At times like those, I could clock him on the head with a frying pan.

He says that he is driven and motivated just like me. But, I have yet to see him really deliver on something. He has been making noises about finishing his tech certification for ages, but hasn't done it. And when I said I was going to take my exam, I took not just one, but 2 of them in a month. He hasn't taken a single one. Oh yes, and a lot of the time when he says he is too busy, he says that he is studying. Well ferchrissakes, take the damn exam already!

Tez, you make me smile, and think. Climbing up... I don't know, I think that falling in or out of love isn't really the way I "feel" it. Love to me is more a color. The love "blooms" with color, you feel it, but then it starts to fade, and now I'm noticing that my love is about as colorful as my faded levis from college, but I don't remember the fading ever really starting, just suddenly noticed that the love is very faded indeed.

Alena, you know, I'm having to face something now that I haven't really admitted out loud. I don't think I ever fell in love with the guy. We dated a few times a while back, I called it off for lack of interest (and because I was still hearbroken over an ex and just not ready). We got together again really out of pressure from him. He convinced me to "give him a chance", just try it. And it appealed to me logically, wow, a nice relationship with a nice stable guy who wasn't into porn, drugs, or anything illegal, and so I went with it, and then when 9-11 happened, I felt like nothing in the world made sense, and felt such comfort in his companionship and friendship. I don't know if "twue wuv" really grew out of that. Solid foundation, but I think I ran out of bricks or something.

Molly, so right, as usual. What would I be doing right now if I wasn't with him? You know what? Not a damn thing different really, except maybe going out to clubs more (hanging head in shame). I'm pretty satisfied with my life overall, I do music 2 nights a week, I have 2 cats to keep me company at night, I have a good job (even though it drives me bonkers half the time and the other half I want to strange people with my bare hands), I'm exercising, and I do feel like I have friends. You can't have sex with your friends (ok, maybe you can, but it's not a good idea). So really, if he weren't in my life, what would change? Answer: not bloody much. So what keeps me hanging around? How can I be afraid to be alone? I'm alone all the time!

Tooscared, yes, I would like someone to treat me the way I treat other people, which is do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... I haven't set any. I think that's the problem. I keep getting really mad, because my needs aren't getting meet. What are my needs though? Jeez, if I don't know, how could I ever articulate them to him, or someone else???

Thanks for the feedback, all.

January 15, 2003
10:54 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ginger, Ginger, Ginger....
Your last few sentences I am alone too, got through the misty Monday, and when it was all said and done, the only thing I missed was cooking for Sybil, and the anxiety of what mood he would be in...got over it real quick with a sunset the next night, and more feedback from strangers than I would have gotten from him in a week.No doubt it is hard, that is why we are on line so much, no ? Quit thinking about him, making it work, and think about you. Explore those areas that you shared with me, and entertain your self, no problem with the club sceen, just be careful, and when your not angry over the disappointment of your investments your different. Its not love, it was perhaps convient

January 15, 2003
11:10 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gingerleigh ~

I envy YOU! Even though you may be going through a difficult time right now, you seem to know what's right. You seem very intelligent with your own thoughts. When I read your post I feel that you are powerful and strong! You seem to know what direction you want to be going in ~ even though it may be arduous. Wow! I wish that were me!

January 16, 2003
10:47 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gingerleigh -

Just a thought - I know for me anyway, the thought of being alone isn't really the scary part. If I choose to be alone, that seems doable. If however, I end up alone thru another's decision, I have lost the control and that is scary in and of itself?

Good luck , you sound very strong and assured! 🙂

January 16, 2003
11:29 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ginger~

Yeah, it sounds like once you found out who the real person was under the facade, he really wasn't that cool.

And, in a strange way, I am kind of in the same spot you are. What would I do different if I got divorced? Not a whole heck of a lot, financially or socially. But the hubby does play with the kid some and I get a little every now and then. And I know I wouldn't ever marry again.

So you, like me, are just hanging out right now. Living our lives pretty much as we want to, but with a stagnant relationship not going anywhere in particular.

And everyone else is right - you really are a strong woman and you have a good head on your shoulders. There's no rush to cut off the relationship and do anything drastic.

If you want, come hang out with me and jwt and try to figure things out without too many drastic moves at a time.

🙂 (((((HUGS)))))

Jenny

January 16, 2003
11:57 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gingerleigh, it sounds very strongly, like this man is not your match in any way.

You are settling for a lot less than you deserve, move on.

He is not even meeting you half way by a long shot.

January 17, 2003
12:03 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What an outpouring of support! Thanks everyone! Makes me feel really happy to get your feedback on this. Yes, it seems to be a mismatch. Like many of us, I have reasons that make sense in my head as to why I stay. It's not exactly "staying", since it's my house and we don't live together, but we are a "couple" and I don't look to date other people. There are good and bad things about this guy, and I guess what I like best is that he seems human to me, and very up front when he does stupid things. I feel "equal" to him, if that makes any sense. First relationship for me where I have felt like I have an equal stake in the relationship. So, I'm still learning. We talked last night, and it was nice. He listened, he asked what he could do better, what we could do better, and it really seemed to help. I kept waiting to hear the blame come through, but it never showed up. And on nights like tonight, where I really just want to be alone, drink some wine, eat some chocolate, it's nice to be alone.

Do I think we'll make it? Jury is still out for me. What it gets down to is this Capricorn willing to settle down with an Aquarius? Can a morning girl build a life with a night owl? Can a woman with perfect pitch figure out how to cut a CD with her tone deaf boyfriend? Maybe... maybe not. But it feels OK to be making the choice.

Thanks so very much for listening. I do appreciate it.

January 17, 2003
10:38 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am in a Capricorn/Aquarius relationship. I am the Aquarius. It took me a long time to accept the stability and self-assertevness of my Capricorn mate. years really.

The only advice I can give is you cant rush an Aquarius. We have to do things on our own time. I was lucky to find someone, who after years of my abusing his trust, was still there for me. I am getting my shit together and we are doing better than ever. Even worse for him is that my son is an Aquarius also, and he is just like me.

I even have a hard time accepting my sons logic at times. It is very frustrating, but I just have to sigh and tell myself that he is just like his momma.

January 17, 2003
12:28 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ginger~

You know yourself pretty well. It seems that you consulting with everyone here has made you feel better with the situation and how you are going to handle it.

You are a strong woman, Ginger. And, I like the wine and chocolate combination myself!

Have a great weekend...

Jenny

January 19, 2003
2:16 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi everyone,just thought i would write and say no you can't fall out of love. my ex used to rape then I found a wounderfull man who now treats me wright we hope one day to get married so i say who is in a releship like that to get out now before it is too late

January 19, 2003
2:20 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
January 23, 2003
3:47 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gypsy my boyfriend is a capricorn too. Do u know any other things about their star signs? im a cancer

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38543
Posts: 714223
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer