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CAN YOU RELATE TO THIS???????TWO
December 8, 2001
3:08 am
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philter
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I think I'm going all right, no I'm not all right , but I have to be all right ,I have to be all right or else my wife wants nothing to do with me , I'm trying to help myself and she gets the shits , just now she asked if she could read what I was doing , and of course I said yes , but it is in regards to me , she starts reading and the next minute storms off and shuts herself in the bedroom , my nerves are shattered again , my adrenelins pumping and I can taste all the shit I used to be on , in my throat ,I tell my self not to get mad with her , and I'm not mad with her , I'm upset with myself for putting her through all this shit .I've made all these changes for myself and her and our boys ,but I'm not allowed to talk about it , she's allowed to say what she wants but I have to keep quiet , or she will get upset . I have one person that I class as a friend , I might visit this person once or twice a week , I go there when the boys are asleep , and my wifes asleep , as I work this is the only time I can go out , yet I'm taking away time from being with them . I'm sorry but I just have to spit out all this shit there are no other avenues available for me to express my self ,

In response to Ladeska
Thankyou , I think the whirlwind is about to hit . I have tried different ways to relax , and I found some very effective ones , one of the best that I found was yoga ,going through the chakras , releasing , and again , I would be reduced to a bumbling crying mess , by opening the channels when I was in different positions yoga was one of the most powerful along with meditation , About twelve months back I went on a weeks retreat in the mountains with a group that I had done some therapy with . The meditations were conducted by a psychologists and the yoga by his daughter ( two very professional people ) This week was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had , and I aim to make this journey again , the process we followed was over 6 days and only vegetarian food , we were out of bed by 7am , had breakfast and then into meditation at 8.30 then it was one hour meditation one hour yoga with a break for lunch and then back into it again ( after each meditation we had a brief discussion and time to share anything that came up ) the meditations were not the same each time , they ranged from guided meditations , focussing etc , the day would finish at 6 pm we would have half an hour to do what we wanted and then we would all gather and eat together for an hour and after that we were all usually ready to go to bed .I came away from this week like I was tripping ,I felt so good , like I was floating . In regards to being sure Ladeska , that is my problem I'm not sure of anything at the moment . I'm not sure if my marriage will survive this , I'm not sure if I will survive this .I am my own worst enemy , I'm not sure if I can say no ,that is what I am unsure of , so you could say that I'm unsure of myself .
In regards to winning , I have always wanted to win , but as you know , sometimes you do , sometimes you don't , I don't want to miss out on any dimensions , I think the trouble is that I just want to know everything and all the answers at once , but that'snot possible is it ?
I got over my compulsiveness , and yet I haven't , I'm still seeing things , my skins still itchy , I feel things on my skin that just are not there , I am starting to get worried that I did push myself to far , maybe I am on the verge of insanity , I feel like I'm just hanging there , in suspension waiting for the web to break , so to speak .

December 8, 2001
10:36 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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phil,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. But believe me, it will get a whole lot better, you just wait and see. I remember when I faced withdrawal from a less serious drug (cigarettes). It still was hell, the nervous trembling, felt like my skin was crawling, the anxiety attacks, the constant yearning. I'm saying all this to say that what you are going through is natural. Like Blondie said, no, life will not be a rose garden after you have stopped using, but at least you will be around . . . (smile). Oh yeah, now you've got 3 people you can classify as friends 🙂 If you ever need me, you know that I am just an e-mail away. As I stated on many other frames, Philter don't beat yourself up over this. She may not understand that with severely devastating things like this, you do need to talk about it. It's almost as essential as the air we breathe. Remember that you are a SURVIVOR not a VICTIM. Do not give your abuser any power, he is a weekling. As for your wife, talk with her & explain to her the aforemetioned about the air. She should understand. I guess it's just hard on her b/c she loves you how you are now, and doen't want you to relapse. Maybe try reassuring her that you will not relapse and that you are only talking about it b/c it helps you in your constant struggle not to relapse.

Best Wishes & It's gonna be all right

December 12, 2001
6:30 am
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philter
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Blondie I think I will plough straight ahead .

December 13, 2001
2:04 pm
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Ladeska
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This path you are walking on will probably be very hard for your wife to understand. Some people just aren't very good at being empathetic. Especially if they are expecting alot from you for themselves. I used to get the thing of - people who were close to me that I thought cared - would actually get angry at me when I would be processing some of my stuff. I would just quiet and withdrawn, but that was it.... They just didn't like time and energy being taken away from them, listening to their problems, being there for them in some way. And...I realized just what kind of friendships - I really had, whether family or friend.

Oftentimes, too, if you are usually the strong one - people get really angry and put out when "you're down!" How dare you have a life beyond helping me, listening to me and being there for me. Well, I don't dance to that tune anymore with anyone. They either understand and want to understand or they can just get away from me because - I'm no one's slave. And I don't like the fine print in contracts that I never read or signed.

It's okay if you don't know much right now, sometimes words aren't really good for anything anywas, when it comes to expressing yourself. Seek out different mediums of self expression. I think what you are doing with the yoga and meditation are helpful to you....calming...

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