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CAN YOU RELATE TO THIS??????????
December 4, 2001
8:40 am
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philter
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If you have been abused or you are easily offended , please be careful as this may trigger you or upset you , it contains swearing and trigger situations .

CHILDHOOD MEMORY VERSION NUMBER 1
( life an illusion of time )
26/12/1998 edited and added to 4/12/2001
Being sodomised by a filthy , dirty old man , supposedly a family friend .
Being controlled by this jerk for the majority of my chidhood .
I know what you are thinking , and it confuses me as well .
The question ?? How can you let a person do things to your body even after you know it is wrong .
The answer in my case is only partly covered as I am forever asking that question myself everyday / every hour / every minute / every second of the day , the thoughts still cloud over my eyes like a shutter on the windows drawn closed and locked tight , preventing the memories of childhood to be released in my mind . A total denial of living time .
Now and then , after a mental battle with my sub-conscious a scene , a memory will flash into my vision or thoughts ,FUCK!!!; THAT DID HAPPEN AND I KEPT GOING BACK , WHY THE FUCK DID I KEEP GOING BACK????????????????
Blackmail ; emotional blackmail and bullshit told to me , a six year old male in a small country town . That you will be punished by your parents if you didn't let him fuck you . My parents in my eyes were the ones to blame , the ones that wanted this to happen to me , to drive me insane .
I WAS REWARDED WITH ANYTHING if I conformed to his demands , with anything from 5 cents to 60 cents plus whatever I stole.
For some reason , sometimes I really enjoyed it . It was good when he jerked himself off and didn't want to penetrate me .
He told me , if I let him , suck on my dick , it would make it grow bigger over time and that it did .

This part of my life is both clouded and clear , I can't remember WHEN THE FIRST ENCOUNTER HAPPENED OR WHEN THE LAST ENCOUNTER HAPPENED it just went on year after year , day after day . I' d scream for my mum and dad to come and get me , theres no neighbours near to set me free . I' d be reduced to tears and sobbing , I'd punch and I'd kick , tell him to stop cause its hurting , I think I'm going to split .PLEASE STOP , PLEASE STOP DOING THIS TO ME .
I remember the pain of penetration , being pushed on the bed , my feet slidding on the floor , the pain in my head . I remember the smell of his filthy sex , his sweat dripping , his huffing and puffing , he's urgency to come , his sigh of relief when he finally come , his gratitude , now go home to mum .
I'd sit in the gutter on the way home or hide in a shelter to clean myself up , my mind in a shamble , my face in tears , the feeling of his come running back out my bum . on the way home . Get yourself together or the neighbours will know .
The guilt feeling , the paronoia , depression carried onto adult life ,I WAS SO ISOLATED , HOW DID i end up with my wife .? Knowing I was different ot the other kids , I must keep this secret cause if they found out I'd be outcast made fun of , called a poofters arse . If they found out I would be better off dead , cause there is no way known I could show my head .
Feelings of resentment toward my mum and dad as well as him the Mr Bad , thoughts of "I'm a poofter or child molester , that's what I must be . There is no other reason that this could happen to me .
Questions , questions I continually ask , occasionally I'll give an answer to myself , it doesn't matter if I believe it or not .
It's all part of life now , I must be strong . I have to grow up ,I have to move on .
Was my childhood a dream or a huge fantasy , no believe it or not it did happen to me . It is no dream ,GOD WHAT FUCKING GOD WOULD LET A SIX YEAR OLD BOY BE FUCKED AND SUCKED UNTIL HE IS THIRTEEN , WHAT FUCKING GOD IN HIS JUDGEMENT WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME , WHY HAVE I BEEN PUNISHED LIKE THIS???? WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING SUFFER ??? WHY IS LIFE LIKE THIS???
Now people say that when something like this happens you have to get over it , Its not that fucking easy is it to get over this !!!
You fucking try it , you fucking try to figure it out for yourself when your a young kid ,year after year , Try to forget !! How ??HOW THE FUCK CAN I FORGET ABOUT IT .You try going through it and then figure it out , try and figure where you stand in society .
What gives another person any right , any right at all , to tell me how to control our life after an experience like this . What gives them the right , to say its happened , its time for you to heal your wounds .
How can they tell me not to use drugs , not to do this , not to do that , don't you kick that fucking cat ,you must deal with it this way , they say this is how its done . Your life is ok now my little one They have no right at all to govern how I live life , they can go and get fucked , I found myself a great wife .
So now I have told them all to go and get fucked , I think Phill's losing it , we better get the white truck .They have no understanding in any sense of the word of what has happened to me . You have to go through to really see . They have no idea at all as to how to deal with this situation , they haven't had the experience of the situation or the actions on them , they haven't been molested by a grown up man .
I'm now thirty seven years old and still dwell in my past the memories are still there the picture hasn't faded , I need a blast ,
No matter what , I could be talking to you, I could be about to have sex with my beautiful wife I could be working or driving the images still appear , we better lock him up he is drowning in fear .
I'm sorry if I have crushed your life illusion of roses and cheer , but my fucking life was about drugs and beer . MY FUCKING LIFE UNTIL NOW HAS BEEN LIVED IN A SHAMBLES , i VE FOUND MY TONGUE NOW AND I'M GONNA RAMBLE .
I'm sorry if you have been offended , embarrased , saddened , angered or have you in fear and I'm really sorry for you if you think that my methods of coping with trauma are immature , unethical , selfish or for some reason find this amusing , you are not me and I am not you I don't dictate how you should live your life or try on your shoe .
My life until now , has been a constant battle of trying not ot succumb to a depressive state at times I have been so , so close to letting go and letting a destructive force run its course and take control of my emotions and lines of thought .
SUICIDE YOU SAY , GET FUCKING REAL , HOW COULD I GIVE PEOPLE THE SATISFACTION OF SAYING TO EACH OTHER I TOLD YOU SO , I TOLD YOU HE'D DO IT .GO AND GET FUCKED , CUT YOUR OWN FUCKING THROAT , SUICIDE IS A LOSERS COPE OUT , YOU WILL NOT GET A CHANCE TO GLOAT .
SO NOW IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND , HOW I come to be the person that I am .There is no use for you to read further anything I write .Because you don't have the ability to understand where I come from , my emotions my expressions my internal fears , now all this is behind me I need no more tears , for now I am strong , I have grown and emerged I have found my quest . It is to help other people get over their experience of incest , So if you are a pedo , a rapist , a psycho queer , I'm out to get you SO THAT NO MORE KIDS HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR.......
IF YOU READ ALL THIS I THANK YOU , FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOU HAVE NOW WITNESSED MY EMERGENCE FROM MY CHILDHOOD YEARS . tHERE ARE NO MORE DRUGS NO IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS , I'M CLEAN AND STRONG , I WILL HAVE NO BAD REPORTS . i KNOW NOW THAT THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE I NOW HAVE A PURPOSE I NO LONGER LOOK DOWN IN DISGRACE ,
MY HEART GOES OUT TO THE REST OF YOU CHILDREN WOMEN AND MEN THAT HAVE SUFFERED AS I HAVE IN YOUR LIFE UNTIL NOW . NO MATTER IF IT HAPPENED TO ONCE OR YEAR AFTER YEAR WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT AND WE HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE IN FEAR.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU , I DO , I KNOW FOR NOW THAT I'VE TYPED THIS I'VE SHED MY LAST TEAR .
YOURS SINCERLY PHILLIP(PHILTER61)

December 4, 2001
11:51 am
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Molly
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No Philter, I cannot relate to this, your pain, your experience, your grief, nor your emergence into freedom. All I can do is acknowledge your stregnth, your courage, your tenatiousness, your commitment, and your self love. I can see here in your post, the break down, and the break through. All I can do is give you a cyber hug, a cyber celebration, a note of consideration. It all seems so inadequate. I am humbled by your gigantic effort. (((Phillip)))
I am sure because of your efforts, the world will be a better place. May you be at peace, Bless you.

December 4, 2001
12:50 pm
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zetagirl
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I am so happy for you now and so angry for the little boy you used to be. How could any adult treat a child that way and how dare he be a so called "friend" of your parents. I applaud you for you progress.

December 4, 2001
2:36 pm
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Ladeska
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Philter....I "can" relate. Everything you said and more. I completely understand. This world.....is quite the surprise to us when we get obliterated like this at such a young age...yes, I know...

I was abused by my father. The earliest memory - was at age nine, but there were things before the actual sexual act...so the abuse - started earlier. I am now 47 and have been working with abuse victims for many years, so not much surprises me anymore.... At least not in the realm of what is evil. Evil by it's very nature is rather boring, predictable even because - it can't create. There is no creative force in something that continually kills. So, I am only surprised by - what creates in this world....

You were not selected "by God" to be punished for anything. You were selected by a human being, a very evil human being - to use for his evil purposes.

You have many questions.....not a time to be closing up Pandora's box and assuming the position of - I'm fine now because - all of a sudden - I am strong and invincible. You are not that because you are brittle in this stance and you need to be "fluid". (smile)

I would like to walk with you a little bit, if you would so permit me? I'm extending that invitation to you. But, I'd like to take it a step at a time. And I need you to be very open and honest and willing to shed your stoic, hard stance of - I am now strong and invincible. If you could lay that armor over by the door for just a little while - it might be helpful....

Please do pull up a chair....would like to converse with you...

If you would like to be a true warrior in life....you must take the path that doesn't alway seem the more obvious one....

Such a path might appear to you - if you are willing. Are you? If so, first order of the day....

Listen today and tell me - what you heard...

December 4, 2001
3:13 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Philter,

You know I definitely CAN relate. I'm so sorry you had to go through what that gnikcuf pervert put you through. As I sit here reading this, I am almost crying for you. I do know about what it feels like. Philter, as you told me, you know where your strength comes from, it comes from God. Some instances in life make us wonder why God would ever allow us to go through, but think about it, if you never went through anything severely devastating you would never know that God has the ability to carry you through. Philter, I am glad you have chosen to vent here because it is very healthy. I am glad you have emerged so strong. I want you to ask yourself this question "If you hadn't gone through the fire would you be pure gold?" Doesn't fire test the quality of gold? Gold that melts in the fire is fools gold, gold that can withstand it is considered pure. And the same with us, God allowed you, me, and every other victim (I'm sorry SURVIVOR) to go through this fire to test our purity as believers. Think about this analogy: fire is to gold as trials are to believers. Now, you've come out of the fire & you didn't melt, but instead endured. Maybe sometimes it seemed like you'd melt but you still managed to get through. So now Philter (Phillip) yoy my friend are the purest gold there is in the land. So I charge you now, to remember from now on that trials are merely like fire, to test our purity & long as we push through we are pure.

" Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God . . . "
John 14:1

December 4, 2001
5:51 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yes, Philter, I can relate. I admire your bravery and your skill with words to bring this to light. What more can I say, other than thank you for verbalizing what so many of us are unable to put into words. Peace.

December 4, 2001
6:12 pm
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philter
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Thankyou all for your kind words , and yes Ladeska i am willing to converse .i know that i have a long way to go yet ,especially after reading the responses from all of you here , i am sitting writing this in tears , and yes i am afraid , i am afraid that the memories will regain control ,i just want so much to help others and at the same time i know that i cant help them until i am strong ,i posted this thread with a caution to my self , I spoke of setting of triggers in others ,yet i have triggered myself ,my body now is trembling , i dont know if it is relief or fear . But in my heart i class you all as friends to hold dearly , I know in my heart that i am not going back to the way i was . I am scared of the mysteries in my future ahead .Have to go , and yes I want the help of all of you . be back after . take care

December 5, 2001
1:19 pm
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Molly
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consider it part of the detox, removing the toxins that you have held in your body. Just like anything that we have absorbed, it often creates a physical reaction before we are clear, and free. Your on the right path, the tears are a cleansing. Simply going through with drawl. Your almost there. You had to identify the toxin before you could be free of it.

December 5, 2001
3:50 pm
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deshong
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Philter,
Yes, I can relate to your pain, shame, feeling of guilt, confusion, embarrassment, anger and helplessness. There were boundaries crossed repeatedly in my family. I was also molested by a female. I will tell you that God is not at fault, my faith in Him has enabled me to have hope, love, and faith. Reading the Bible kept me sane. You will make it because you have thus far. My prayes are with you.

December 5, 2001
4:55 pm
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artist 2
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The bible, Daily I Ching, Runes, Book of Psalms... all will help give you guidance and give some direction to that confusion... use them all together or one... plus posting your progress here too will help. We care and want to know how you get on...

December 5, 2001
5:50 pm
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philter
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What more can I say , I need you all so much , I need your warmth , your gentle touch , To Molly and zetagirl , I thankyou so much , the tears in my eyes gives calmness to my breath , I sat on the train reading all of your responses (Ladeska , Blondie , Mr > A and gingerleigh and deshong ) and again I cried ,
I have isolated myself from communicating with people so much , that I have to learn to communicate without becoming so emotional . If I have a conversation (I mean a proper conversation ) you know you are both talking well , you know what each other mean , tears will start coming from my eyes , it just happens , it is something that I can't control , The thing is these are tears of happiness , they just overwhelm me ,I can help an old lady with her suitcase and the tears are there again .
Now that I am clean my emotions have been running rampant , is this normal ?
I will gain control won't I ,the questions are back again .
My mind is going haywire , theres just so much that I want to do , the things I want to do just aren't happening fast enough or they are happening to quick ,is this a phase that will pass after a while . Blondie , is this part of the process of being clean , the emotions , the wanting , I can't sit still , my mind has to be doing something all the time , I think if I was a computer I'd be a best selling product , I;d have everything done for you by the time you logged on , is this normal for us , will my mind slow down .
To Ladeska , , yes I would dearly love to work right through this ,I have to .I have done work on myself but I am still not happy with where I'm at , I'm not happy unless I am under pressure , I love pressure ,I love the feeling of coming out on top after the situation has passed . See what I mean my mind just goes everywhere .
I've gotta work through this from the start to the finish , it is not as if I need answers , I think its just about being sure

December 5, 2001
10:40 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Phil. How has everything going. I hope you are still going strong. As for your flashbacks taking over, do not worry, I promise that they won't. What it is, is that the flashbacks cause anxiety attacks that can at times be so intense that we feel it will never let us go & we feel like throwing in the towe. But then, that hero comes shining through from within us & no matter how hard it seems, we know then that we are gonna make it. Hang in there phil, a better day is coming if you just hold on. And Philter, when trials show their ugly faces in your life, concentrate on the Lord's beauty which surpasses even the greatest grimness. I know that it is easier said than done, b/c there is only so much we can do, but if you take just that one step, know that God will do the rest for sure.

"Be not dismayed, whatever be tide, God will take care of you."

December 7, 2001
1:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Philter....yes, it is normal for your emotions to flood you, once you've given yourself permission "to feel". Like I always say - when you pop that cork - Look the Hell out because a whirlwing is going to come through!!! (smile) And you'll bounce all over the place with your emotions because they've been caged up for so long. That's normal, too. You just need to relax a little here and realize that the classroom you've been in - in life thus far - has taught you so destructive things, patterns and it's now time - to unlearn them....to let them go and replace them with life-giving patterns....

It is also time to "discover yourself" and do it in such a way as a "new introduction" to anyone else. You need to interview you....as to - who am I? what are my likes and dislikes? what makes me smile? what makes me angry" what makes me think? etc., etc......

And, it wouldn't hurt for you to put yourself in a new situation every week, just for kicks and giggles, step outside your box....do something completely different. If you usually order one thing to eat at a place - then order something very opposite. If you usually go here, then go somewhere else for whatever, lay new patterns in every day life and just feel - what it feels like.....

And I know what you mean concerning - crying at the drop of a hat. I went through that bizzare thing when I had just gotten out of a nasty relationship with a man who was very combative and controlling...I was so beaten up inside and didn't even realize how badly until someone would do something nice to me like - just smile at me and I would cry like a baby. I especially did this when whatever action was out of the blue - like - they didn't have to do that.

So, it's all very natural, it really is, nothing warped or strange about it....let yourself do it, it's okay...

Your last line said - it's not about finding answers, it's about being sure....

Sure of what exactly?

And sometimes if our aim is "winning and coming out on top" we miss another completely available dimension to us which is about - the "journey and it's value and not about the destination. Can you grab onto that concept and tell me what you think about it?

December 7, 2001
2:06 pm
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Cici
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philter,

I can very personally empathize with what you're going through right now. Some days I can run through the scenarios in my head and I feel like my mind is a hamster on a wheel, ya know? Endlessly, endlessly whirring and working. After you've been violeted so intimately, you force yourself to be constantly alert and aware, and everything can get overwhelming so goddamn easily that you feel like you have no control over your own mind!

Some days, though, I can't speak of it. I can't let myself think of it. I think it's recovery from any psychological wound, the scar remains tender. Of course, if you're spent years putting bandages over that festering mental wound, you open up the bandages and it's putrid, it takes time and pain and agony to cleanse it, and it's so inflamed, it's sensitive to the touch, angry and red and swollen. It's so painful.

And there's that part of you, like Blondie said, that craved that touch, the feeling of closeness, and now you take in every breathe with a little teaspoon of guilt to wash it down. That voice that says, the ones that did this to me were horrid, horrid, but I must be bad, too. And I did the washing, washing, scrubbing under scalding water, but you feel like it's an invisible scum. When I was a little girl I spent hours and hours in the bathtub, scrubbing away diligently, washing and washing myself again and again.

Whew. Shivers now. I tend to get shivers easily, my whole body will just tremble. I empathize. I am still trying to clean out the wounds. I hope that you find peace one day. I hope we all do.

December 7, 2001
2:58 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, was just thinking about you Cici and wondered where you went? We get caught up in conversation really good and then you vanish on me...(smile) But....I do.....understand that. Just saying Hi. You say things so well in an empathetic sort of way. Talking about the washing....I don't think I've ever met one victim of sexual abuse that wasn't consumed at some point in their life with "being clean" or trying to get that way. Sad....how their dirtiness convinces us - that we are diry as well. What a lie. Bright lights aren't consumed by darkness though.....the darkness is consumed by light. But, we have to keep the candle lit. Only one candle lights up an entire room....so that's "good news". Makes me feel better when I realize - one candle may be all I have left at times...

December 7, 2001
3:13 pm
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deshong
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Ledeska,
I have and continue to get wisdom from much of what you write. Thank you for sharing.

December 7, 2001
3:26 pm
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Molly
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yes, from another place, it is normal. It does slow down, but how wonderful to be intouch with emotions again, than so destructively detached. Cry, cry cry, Gods way of cleaning things.

December 7, 2001
4:16 pm
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Ladeska
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Deshong...I feel the same way about your sharing! You're so very insightful as well. I just love the mix here. Everyone always has a different slant on things, but nonetheless caring in the way they present it. I like diversity. Life would be oh so dull without it, wouldn't it?

Wanted to also comment further on the crying.....years ago I finally went to a good chiropractor. Had been to a bad one previously and he royally messed me up. But, went on a trip and did alot of physical labor, ending up with a horrible back condition. At any rate, I hooked with this doctor and he worked on me for months just trying to get me to adjust and would squeak out a few pops and that was about it. He would press and I would be sore from - no adjustment taking place.... I got very weary of it and he said - hang in there, we'll get it.

Well, one day, he got me to laughing and relaxed and then went in for the kill! (smile) My back popped like it never had before. Right in between my shoulder blades I had two discs, one that was rotated one way and the other rotated the other direction - they were right next to each other. Thus I had alot of problems in that area from trouble with my lungs, respiratory infections, strep throat, shoulders going out on me, a tumor, etc. And since the spine is the message center for the brain and the discs in that area of your body are responsible for those organs around it - guess what? That was a large reason these organs were not getting a good response from sending my brain messages about maintaining health in that area.

But, once he popped it and kept it in line - I never have a problem in that area at all and it's been years now. But....to the crying.....When he popped those calcified places loose - I sat up immediately and spurt tears everywhere instantly. Couldn't stop crying, cried for hours after that and for days on end - about two weeks worth. Would just cry for no good reason.

Thing is - my father, the one who abused me in many ways - had hit me with his fist one day and propelled me through a room, breaking my nose on a door knob and about breaking my back in that area. I never went to a doctor, needless to say - so it sat all wrong and didn't get corrected until this chiropractor set it in it's proper position.

But, the deal is - with the crying....I had so much emotion, so much emotional pain locked up in that injury that when he unlocked the bones - guess what? He unlocked the emotions of the initial injury as well. This is common in chiropractory when emotionally painful injuries occur. Our body stores things....

Thus the need for a good massage therapist because by doing deep tissue work with someone - you can also unlock alot of emotional stuff as well which will greatly enhance your overall well being physically and otherwise. Chiropractory works in the same way. So, everyone that has had alot of emotional pain, or physical injury that was done by someone else - you might want to ponder on these things and realize - if you're not healthy physically and you have internalized alot of stuff - look for ways to release it from your body. A good massage therapist is aware of this and will work with you and build up gradually to massaging some of this out of you.

The mind and the body are very connected...and as is typical of abuse victims - they store everything there. Is the only safe place, to store, to hide things....at the time..

December 8, 2001
1:24 am
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philter
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more memories
( maybe good / bad / happy / sad or bloody awful )
1998 April

They come in clusters or as falling stars .
Memories of past happenings , women / surfing / culture
What ever it may be , it may come to light here , between you and me .
I remember going to the beach with my brother's , it was easter , I was about 9 and going to use a surfboard for the first time in my life , and i was scared . anyway as we were walking down to the water it started to rain .
this was great in my eyes , and i said , its raining we better go back to the car,( after i said it , i realised how stupid it was to say that ) we would have to get wet in the surf anyway .
you see , this is the way ( or part of it ) that i used to cope with the focal problem of my life . a bad thought comes , i have learn't over time , that instead of going with that thought which is easy to do , you should keep bringing to mind the good things that have made you happy at the same stage of life .
i remember my first holiday after i joined the railway . i had myself an ounce of prime heads , a bag of cloths and had only ever travelled twice . but i surfed in 15 to so foot waves , i was 15 and i had no fear and i was going to prove my manhood to myself ( get my first fuck ) i had my train fare , i was off , on a mission .
i got to cairns at 6am 2000 miles from home by myself never booked a motel room ( that's me , i'll take care of that when i get there ).
i knew no one , had no idea about life , except if i wasn't careful some guy would try and fuck me ( no chance ) its been like i had a label on me .the number of times i have had guys hit on me and try and bed me is unreal ( none of them succeeded except mr bad ).
no idea about the place at all. found a motel easy , there for two weeks .decided to go for a walk , found a pub so i decided to sit out the front and see what happens ( to young to enter a pub ) sitting there having an anxiety attack . this chic comes upto me and hits on me for a cigerrette , i give her a cigerette and she goes back inside the pub , she comes out again this time with her friend ( nice ) my balls are busting.they ask me to go with them and they will show me around.and that they did , we got drunk and stoned , and i woke up with one of them in my motel room .oook .needless to say i spent the rest of my holiday with her .yes i am a man i can do it ,i have proven myself to myself .the end

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