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Can we give our storys again?
July 29, 2006
9:04 pm
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Anonymous
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(((LL, startingover, ya´ll)))

Its a lot to digest, tks for sharing and being there each one for each other, as each story is different but deserves our close attention. I learn a lot from you and your support warms my soul.

July 30, 2006
8:27 am
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startingover
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Hey everyone

I like reading everyone's stories. I have to read them slowly and come back. We have been through a lot.

TAJ - Thanks, you're the best, too. I hope I don't sound like I think I'm a "saint" or anything - please tell me if I do, I do not want to play the victim, or the martyr - I really did not want to take care of this man, but nobody would help me, so it was not all out of the kindness of my heart. More like felt like I had to because nobody else realized how bad he was. Codependency? Probably, I don't know. I sure overdid it, though, and attributed a lot of his bizarre behaviors to grief that was really addictions.

I will read all these posts carefully, so nice to learn more about everyone. It really does get better!

July 30, 2006
10:21 am
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lovinglife
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Hey startingover sounds like you had a case of codependency working at its finest!! What with this world do without us?!

July 31, 2006
12:14 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm bumping this thread up for muddog!

August 1, 2006
8:55 am
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smarterone
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I was born, 7yrs apart from a sister, we never shared anything. Thank god she doesnt have my memories. Mom and dad didnt get along. He was too too jealous of her beauty so she wasnt allowed out. If she went out, i would get beat up for allowing it and she then too. Everytime i babysat for my sis, she would come home beat up with him. He was crazy, then he would switch, to me, Come here honey, you are my baby. Good mind training right. Screwed up. No good memories at all. My father died at 43, i was 18, we were happy in a sick way. I already had met an old acquaintance,my future first husband, who had hid meonce from my dad. We married,had two kids, partied alot, he became cop,still partied, then grew up, 20 yrs later,amicable divorce, 2 boys, now 35 and 30. The oldest doestnt speak to me since 2000 because of the results of my second husband,. After separating, met 2nd, feel so in love cause he was soooo affectionate, also on work release from prison,after serving 5 yrs,drugs and robberies, when he was good, couldnt do more for me, when he was bad, the world was scared. Talked me into moving to Fla.,really scared to say no, took younger son, older stayed with dad, the worst day of my life, the first time i older son cried his eyes out and he was 19, had a fiancee, and apt. I didnt want to go,couldnt they see that, i think they did, they knew my fright instilled by dad, rebirthed in 2nd husband. Funny, the cop was mellow, didnt ever fight. The next 7 years was a nightmare, we married, he loved to buy things on credit, we had a small house,cars, boat, business, too bad, it would have really been a gold mine, but he found the drugs, after an injury, prescribed oxycontin and loved it. Continued on. I left for 8 months,went back home, no contact, then he came to town looking, why i dont know, icalled. He met me, that was it, I went back,younger son stayed for two months in new place we took up. Thats when the older one, said no more. I was stupid. Stupid and very scared, I went back, only to see his addiction was worse,now on methadone, and paranoia,schitzo, in his own little world. Crumbling up ours. My son had come back. Started doing his own partying. He too, took the abuse from my 2nd, mental and physical. Soon, thank God, 2nd was arrested, really was not guilty of his charge, but God has his ways. I couldnt keep up with anything and lost everything. I was on disability and son was too screwed to help. I also had recently discovered before his arrest i had HepC, and had to undergo interferon treatments. Wish i had someone to come home to in pain then. Well back and forth to apt, while visiting for the next 5 years in prison. Hating every moment. Couldnt even share a kiss. He knew it, but i hid it well. The fear was still there, even though he was so many miles away and locked up. One day, i decided to get in touch with a friend i met (male) who was a roomate of sis=inlaw. I discovered that during a phone calll with my husband in prison, I had the nerve to tell him it was over. He couldnt believe it, and the phone calls and letters ranged from love to threats. But the other guy , He was such a sweet person, like an 80's hippie, no cares, nothing. Something I needed badly. we paired up, he moved me away to a friends where i babysat for a baby for the rent. We left everything in my apt, cause i was running again but this time from my younger son, who developed a liking to crack, this was my hardest way of saving his life. We finally, 3 months later got our own apt, my b/f Mikey, kept in touch with my son on the streets, homeless, and when he felt he waas ready, took him back. He worked with Mikey. My lovely, companion of 13 years, my dog henrietta, got killed one night. I tried to take pills. The only good thing out of that marriage, dead. After all the pain she went thru with the ex. My ties were completely broken now. My son, left again, now back again. Presently, we are working at everything and I have given it to the Lord, finally. I have so many physical problems, the Hep c in remission, thank you god, i can deal sometimes, with the rest. Im taking each day one at a time, most important, have to get the divorce before he gets out. Life is hard, really need to work it. Im tired, but God never gives us more than we can handle. Now i know i am strong.

August 1, 2006
9:00 am
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smarterone
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And also, I found AAC. this would become my lifesaver, my family, my best friends. Thank you with love.

August 1, 2006
9:03 am
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mudbog
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After my daughter died, I went through the support groups. After a few visits I quit going because I can't understand why people would want to continue to relive that experience every day. What will make you stronger, continuously talking about something terrible that happened in your life, or doing what you can to move in. I did not want to live in misery the rest of my life. I cherish my daughters memories and keep her in my heart. Instead of focusing on the problem, I began focusing on solutions and that sure helped me tremendously. Asking God Why? was not in my vocabulary. It is not for me to know or try to understand because it is beyond my comprehension. She was here for my dad when he was sick and now she is with him and in a much better place that I could ever provide. She belongs to God and He gave her to me for a short time to allow her to enjoy life and give joy to others. I am much stronger because of it and have learned so much from her. I look at my two daughters much differently and cherish them more than maybe I would have.

August 1, 2006
10:58 pm
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gracenotes
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I am very touched by your stories.

Here's my story.

My mother and father had me in their late 30's and I was an only child. My grandmother) lived with us too. Typical east coast suburbs. I was always a very active child, good student, very athletic, artistic, and musical as well. My father did well for himself in his career, but he also existed on a fifth of whiskey each day. I had happy memories of early childhood and I was truly daddy's little girl. I had plenty of friends my age to play with even though I was an only child. Around age 11-12 my grandmother died. My father started having a really bad temper and took it out on me. My mother dealt with life by retreating to her books and magazines and just not being "there". I will always remember one incident where my father was furious at me. He was slamming things around, talking about me in the third person to my mother and wanted to know what was the matter with me. I was upstairs listening to all of this. I remember leaving the house to walk down the street. I wanted to leave home but I didn't know where to go, so I went back. It was like blackness settled over me. I stopped talking to them and felt angry at them to keep them away. I felt like an emotional orphan, I was also depressed, even wanted to die but figured no one would care if I did, and I had difficulty being with my peers at that time. I was angry and defensive. I finally found friends, but it was always such a struggle. My parents sent me away to college but after two years I quit and went to live on my own. I hardly talked and had a tough time with everything. Three months after I moved away from home, my father died of cirrhosis and I went home for the funeral but immediately left. I spent my 20's purusuing my dreams, going to school,working, and I actually was with a nice guy for quite awhile but I managed to sabotage that. In my mid 20's I ended up in a relationship with someone I was going to marry. He turned out to be a true n and when I had enough of his lies, he did all those n things, destroyed most of my friendships, and I ran out of trust. I found a spiritual path in my late 20's and worked at having a good relationship with my mother, went back to college, but that relationship with that n and the stalking he did of me limited my trust. The only other significant relationship since that time was a live in situation for three years. He was a nice guy and we got along, but one day, out of the blue, he just decided to leave. I'm still not sure why. I have a nice life now with nice friends, ambition, an okay career, my own home, and am getting more involved in my artistic pursuits in mid-life and want to change careers, but relationships are difficult do I haven't been dating for awhile. I've been so abandoned in the past, and this last relationship, which I thought was going to be for life, turned into abandonment. I thought I was finished with n's and had radar to keep them away, but an "n" came into my life in the form of a private teacher. She also abandoned me without warning. She was a mentor long before we met personally and I took a lot of abuse from lesson #1 and I have messed up the last 2 years of my life trying to make things right between us on one hand, but also finally recognizing my codependence and love addiction tendencies. I many ways she was my critical abandoning father all over again. I have a good relationship now with my mother as well who has also matured and is a very kind person. The x-stalker and the x-teacher were the abusive ones, but there's also the abandonment and neglect that has been very difficult. I want so much to pursue my artistic dreams and be successful and settle down with a nice guy. It really doesn't bother me not having kids, but I want the second half of my life to be a success. That shouldn't be too complicated???

August 1, 2006
11:57 pm
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I am 23, soon to be 24 and my mother is bipolar and my father has borderline personality disorder. Also my mom is an alcoholic. I used to be a cutter, tried to commit suicide twice and ended up at a cool theraputic boarding school where i met my current bf who I have been with for 6 years. I stopped cutting and got my sh** together. Now I am working toward a bachelors in psych and everything is going well. Don't talk to dad, try to talk to mom, best friends with my sis and my aunts and uncles are supporting me financially (arent aI lucky). So that is the long in short of it all.

August 2, 2006
3:29 pm
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gracenotes
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loverbee,

Sounds like you have been through so much and doing so well now. Good for you!

After writing my story yesterday I realized how much I learned from just doing this (even if I didn't have any paragraphs in it and it all ran together). I felt very sad last night realizing how much this thread of being abandoned by people runs in my life. I never though of this being such a strong pattern, but, it really is. Guess I have been in some denial about this. Sometimes I saw it beginning to happen, sometimes not. My story really has no drama to it or anything like that but its really tough to have kind of a solid start in life and then have the bottom drop up from under you by age 11-12.

I learned to much from this process. If anyone is thinking of sharing their story, its a really worthwhile thing to do.

August 2, 2006
6:26 pm
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smarterone
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Gracenotes
I feel the same way, after i read my story, all squeezed in, i realized how much i have been thru and felt pretty good about who I am and the person I turned out to be. This process is a blessing and so is everyone here. We all have been thru so much. Heres an applause for all of us.

August 6, 2006
11:16 am
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Bumping for Dill...

Go to the top lefthand corner of this page, and click "View all posts", to get all of the stories, here! Good luck, Honey!

August 6, 2006
2:42 pm
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August 6, 2006
2:48 pm
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August 6, 2006
3:48 pm
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Jenni
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Let us know what think, Dill, after reading some of this. (((Dill))) We're here for ya', Honey, and TRULY KNOW your pain!

August 6, 2006
6:21 pm
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October 22, 2006
11:17 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am resurrecting this thread for our new people and just for those of us who often forget. I think that it will help us when posting to other people so that we know a little bit more from where they are coming from. New people or just people who haven't posted there stories. Please if you feel comfortable share your stories. In order to see every ones posts you will need to go to the top of the screen and select the view all posts icon.

October 23, 2006
10:29 am
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CAMER
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Hi Random,
I have been Coda most of my life, always picking the men who were not good for me, thinking I can magically change them...after a few long term relationships, with drug dealers, men not working, mommy's boys, pot heads, gamblers, porno addictions...etc...i started getting counseling and went to Coda meetings....I am still coda, and need to work on myself...so glad i found this site back in March of 2003...and I am still here!!!!

There is more detail to each of these bad relationships, but it was my choice to stay in them at the time, and alot has to do with my low self esteem, which I am trying to better and get some high self esteem.

ok, who's next??

((camer))

October 23, 2006
12:00 pm
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lovingmom
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I went back and read this thread from the beginning and learned a lot about a lot of you here that I didn't know. My story is actually quite trivial compared to a lot of them here, but here it is:

I had what I always thought was a great childhood. My parents were together, my older sister and I were very close. My younger sister came along quite a bit later (9 years younger than me), but she and I were also close. My dad has been a drinker my whole life. According to my mom, it was much worse when I was a baby. She was always the giver, my dad the taker. Now that I look back, it wasn't the healthiest relationship, but us girls were very loved and well taken care of. We didn't have a lot of money, but had what we needed. My mom would never buy for herself, but always made sure my dad, my sisters and I had what we needed. My dad would get angry over really minor things and we all walked on egg shells most of the time, but just chalked it up to "that's just how dad is". My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage when I was 21. My dad says he just wasn't in love with my mom any more. This meant my mom was left with an empty shell, no self, no spirit. A few years later she actually had open heart surgery, nearly waited too late to go to the hospital because she thought she had a "heat stroke" and wanted to sleep it off. It was a heart attack. I believe her broken heart had a lot to do with this, if that's even possible.

I give that background because I believe that it has a lot to do with why I am in the situation I am in now. I am 35. I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 13. We have two children together, a boy 11 and a girl 4. He also has a 14-year-old son from previous. I have been his step-mom for a long time and I consider him my son. I love my children very much and they are my world. I, like my mom, have always been the giver, the main care-taker, the one who takes the blame when anything goes wrong. I have given everything I have and then some to this marriage. I have just recently come to realize that I have been verbally abused by my husband for many years, probably since the very beginning of our relationship. I'm now dealing with his refusal to admit to any of it, his hurt feelings because of what I have told him has been hurtful to me. It's not a pretty picture right at the moment, but at least I'm doing things for me now. I'm in counseling (husband refuses counseling of any kind), I am taking a stand and I am learning that I have to make myself happy because no one else is going to do it for me. There is a part of me that wants to give up and move on and let go of what I thought at one time was a good relationship. There is another part of me who hates the thought of tearing my family apart. I'm working on me, trying to be the best mom I can be, still being the best wife I can be and waiting to see if he'll come around and try to work on this too. Only time will tell.

October 23, 2006
5:58 pm
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Searching for Serenity
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I'm new here and just thought I'd share my story.

I am recently single (April) after a 4 1/2 year relationship - that I thought was forever. I asked my man to leave because he was doing crack cocaine - not once, not twice, but every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the end.

Well, he took my words to heart and left - without so much as his toothbrush or looking back. He gave up his business, emptied his bank acct., spent two days in a local motel with a self described "crack whore", decided she was his kind of woman and moved 1200 miles away with her. He called me 2 weeks after he left, told me he was alive and in where he was and that he was there to "clear his head". He said he still loved me and just needed to get away for awile. He planned on coming back in "a couple of months" and we'd "talk about us" then. Of course he failed to mention the woman he brought with him. I found out about that a month later.

I know I should be happy to be rid of him, but I am not. I'm still so hurt by this that I can't think straight.

This was not a storybook romance from the start. The night we met he told me he had spent nearly 17 years (several different terms) in prison for armed robbery and the like (all because of drugs). He had been out of prison one whole week when we met. I didn't run like I should have. Instead I feel in love. The month was August. The following November he was arrested for possession of crack cocaine and fleeing/elluding. Again, I didn't run. Instead, I stuck by his side while he did the next 22 months in prison - faithfully. I gave up my home (we moved briefly 1200 miles away to avoid another prison sentence - but eventually came back to face the music) and lived with family and friends and visited him every week.

He got out in January 05. In April, he went on his first binge, spending his entire paycheck in 2 days. Came home with his tail between his legs and once again, I welcomed him home. This happened once every 4 months. Then, it wasn't enough to do "it" every 4 months and it became the every weekend thing.

The really hard part for me to deal with is - absent the crack - this was the kindest, most generous, loving, man I had ever met in my life. We had a lot of love, a beautiful home, he had a pretty successful construction business, family and friends who loved us. He gave that all up for drugs and I was replaced - the day he left! How does someone do this?

He called occasionally for a couple of months. Said he was just "hanging out" with HER and is not in love. Why do I care? Why can't I get over him. Why do I still cry on a daily basis?

Just to set the record straight, I was a very independent woman when he and I met. I had a great job, a beautiful home a full and happy single life. I wasn't looking for anyone. I was content and in charge of my life. Now, I'm a puddle of tears in a body.

It's been six months and I still don't know how to go on without him. I still want the phone to ring and it be him or to get a letter from him.

I should add that I had a very good childhood and always have had a very close relationship with my parents who are still married; but I've also had three unsuccessful marriages (totalling only 8 years). The first was when I was only 18, and just wanted to be grown up. It lasted a year. He was an alcoholic.

The second was when I was 22, but we had been together since fairly soon after my first divorce at 19. He was 33 years older than me! We had two kids together, but divorced after 3 years.

Was single for about a year before meeing husband #3. He was a great guy, loved me immensely, but he didn't like sex and I never really cared for the way he treated my kids. That was my most successful marriage, lasting all of 5 years. I left each one of them.

After #3, I was in a relationship for 3 years off and on, engaged and un-engaged to a very good friend of mine and #3. I was completely single (no committed relationships) for about four years before meeting him. I'm 42.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships. I think I've had more then my share of chances and blown them. Maybe I should've worked harder at making the marriages work. I just don't know. I feel like I'm too young to give up on love, but too old to keep trying! I know that I can't get into a relationship with anyone with the feelings that I still have for my ex, but I also don't see them ever changing. I'd take him back with a little (very little) groveling on his part - maybe even without!

One of my favorite quotes is "everything happens for a reason". I just wish I knew the reasons!

October 23, 2006
11:42 pm
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hi Searching...I am 41 y/o and posted above, and my parents too have been married for 43 years!! way to go!!! but me, nope, never been married, which seems weird in todays day and age, but I was engaged 2x and broke both engagments.......just know you are not alone....just wanted to share that!
((camer))

October 24, 2006
12:44 am
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Thank you Cammer, Lovingmom, and Searching for serentiy for sharing your storys. I just shared mine in my support group today and wow it was hard

October 25, 2006
1:16 am
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lovinglife
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another bump up

October 25, 2006
1:39 am
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Story
I never knew my Dad & my Mom was abusive she just didn't really know how to handle her shame and guilt so I absorbed it all. She had several bad relationships that were abusive so saw alot, received alot and had to begin taking care of her. I escaped but in starting my new life brought with me all her baggage along with my own. I met the almost perfect man and we had our lives planned then I fell prey to a co-worker which was covered up by the good-ole boys. What I had of family disowned me and then forever more I was the black sheep. I turned to Nsg career to be a caregiver I loved my work and always felt good just to get a smile from someone. Several abusive relationships one after another, I would never gave up with the dream of a perfect family..didn't happen each relationship was a disaster. I am in counseling, SAVA, and we don't have CoDa here but attend Al-Anon. My turning point was when I realized not only my family, ex's, but friends were doing the same things so figured it was time to really look at my behaviors and what I was doing to attract people that I was attracting. I am physically challenged now, unable to work, but volunteer when I can and have spent the last 2yrs on truly finding my deficiets of character and trying to change them. Because of the healing I have family and new friends as well as friends of years past reentering my life in positive ways. I've learned to set boundaries, not be so hard on myself and care take myself instead of the rest of the world. I am glad I found this site for it also helps with all the other support I go too and sometimes I am unable to attend so this keeps me working towards healing.......that no doubt will take a lifetime. Thanks for everyone sharing for it really does help to know that I am not alone on this journey!

October 25, 2006
2:52 am
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i had my first counseling session yesterday with a clinician who knows my... my... gosh i don't know what to call him anymore. she said that the way i was describing my role in my relationship was the perfect image of a co-dependent partner. she didn't elaborate much so here i am on the net, and found all of you.

i met him when i was 22 and it was 1997, and we were inseparable. we were both unemployed but found work quickly and were relatively successful financially. we went out, experienced new things, traveled, got engaged, enjoyed life the way i think people should enjoy living. he developed a vision problem in one of his eyes that couldn't be fixed early on in our relationship, but i stuck by him because it wasn't his fault that he was having this problem and i was taught that you stick by your man in sickness and in health as my mom had when my dad got really sick. his mom passed away 3 years later, he lost his high paying job, and 9/11 struck.

i guess it was too much for him to take and he fell deeply into major depression. i stood by him still, supporting us and told him not to worry about finding work again, that he should focus on getting better and that i could take care of things in the meantime. he stopped being sexually interested in me, entirely. for 3 years, he didn't touch me. he would watch "movies" and beat off in the other room while i slept. he spent his days on the computer, doing god knows what. he got into trouble with the law and finally last year, he ended up in jail with a felony. i thought that was the last straw for me. i felt embarrassed and hurt that he didn't think of me, my safety, my life, and the consequences of his actions on me when he did what he did.

while he was in jail, i wrote him a letter breaking off our 8 year relationship. but, i couldn't stay away. i would visit him diligently twice a week, wait in line with all sorts of characters. it was awful, but i couldn't let go. while i was doing this, i was meeting men online and enjoying their company. part of it I think was to make up for lost time and to feel wanted and attractive and sexy since he hadn't been giving me that.

but i still visited him and sent money into the jail so he could have soap and other stuff. i would accept his collect calls and we would talk on the phone. he kept telling me that he had changed, that he saw me as a woman again, that he saw what he had done was to take advantage of my love and kindness and generosity.

i believed him and took him in when he got back out. here we are, about 11 months later, and things are still the same. he is still unemployed (going on just about 4 years, working maybe a month here or there). we're still not having sex. i still pay the bills, all the bills. i borrowed money from my parents to hire a lawyer for him. he has shown no real sense of responsibility to get work, no matter now unsavory, so he could help me pay them back. a few months ago, in may, he crashed my car and now it is totaled and i'm still stuck paying my car loan, and again, he won't lift a finger to sacrifice his "dignity" to get work, any kind of work, to help me pay for that expense.

he thinks that doing the dishes, taking the trash out and cleaning the litter box is doing his fair share in our lives. in the meantime, i work 60 hours a week in corporate america. i am going to business school, halfway done with my MBA. i come home and cook dinner for us. i do the laundry. i do the cleaning and the dusting and the damned toilet bowl. my friends call it the superwoman syndrome.

so in august, i told him i couldn't do this to myself anymore and that he had to move out. he still hasn't moved out yet and i haven't given him a deadline because i feel so guilty for putting him on the street. he has nothing. no car since he crashed our second car. no money since he isn't working. no furniture because i believe that i'm entitled to every shred of everything in my home since i paid for all of it while he was wasting time not doing anything.

he says i am crazy and the stress from work and school are making me delusional and as a result i'm taking it out on him. and sometimes, he actually convinces me of this. some days things will be nice and easy and not tense because i won't confront him when i'm pissed off, because i don't want the stress of having to deal with a tense moment at home.

why do i feel guilty for doing what is probably the best thing i can do for myself? is it bad that i'm being selfish and looking out for myself for once? am i such a bad person for doing this to him? why can't he love me the way he used to? why can't he take care of me the way he used to? why can't he see that it is unfair of him to make me feel guilty.

i'm such a mess right now. i'm now 31. i'm afraid i will be alone for the rest of my life. i want to have a husband, and children and a family but i'm afraid that if i let go of him, that it is too late for me to find someone good for me. i keep thinking that i should just deal with it, swallow my pride, and take him back and accept this as my fate. but i don't want this to be my life! i want to be happy and free and right now, i feel stifled and suffocated.

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