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Can we give our storys again?
June 15, 2006
12:26 pm
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whidbey
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Okay, I'll go.

I was brought up with an N father and a highly codependent mother. Sexually, verbally, mentally, etc., by father. Married at 21, have one daughter by that marriage. Divorced. Several unhealthy relationships after that, some N types, some not. After being single for ten years, got involved with a full-blown NPD (rock star musician)last year. I thank God every day it was a long distance thing and that I don't have to see him or fear running into him anywhere. Went through the "typical" N hell and got out of it last fall, at the same time N father died. I've been working on ME ever since, and I can honestly say life is good for me now. I feel free of all the chains from the past and look forward to making the rest of my life exactly how I want it, barring any of the stuff that life just sometimes throws at one... Though that being said, I've learned, and continue to learn that I can make healthy decisions even in adverse situations.

June 15, 2006
10:44 pm
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Shesamom
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I am 35 and one of 6 kids.

My mom has borderline personality and narcissism. My step-dad died when I was 17.

I was molested when I was 3 and I remember most of the encounter. My mom lied to me all my life about it and told me he was not prosecuted but in truth he was. I have the police report and court report. She made me think nobody believed me all those years.

After my dad died, we moved. I met someone with N characteristics and was involved with him for 4 years. I left him when he called me a fu****g wh***, which I was not.

I met a wonderful man who is now my husband and I have a son and a dog.

My mom over the years has insulted everyone I know, almost. I have not spoken to her since she moved 2 years ago without telling me. I still pretend I don't know where she is but I do. My grandma talks to her and me. I called gram 2 weeks ago and she tells me all about mom. Makes me want to scream "THIS IS NOT A NORMAL MOM!!!!" She was never supportive. When my brother-in-law died of a brain aneurysm, she told my sister, "Now you know what I went through." When I asked her about me having children (I was married :)) she said I did not have any motherly qualities.

When I got married, in planning my wedding, she told my mother-in-law she could never love my sister and that she did not even like my sister's kids. How awful. My MIL was shocked, being a doctor's wife and very proper.

I had very low self-esteem until I got married and out from under my mom's rule. She still gets to me. There are so many lies she has told and I am still hearing new ones. It kinda makes my whole history before I was married unsubstantial....kinda like Alice in Wonderland...what was fake and what was real...I don't know.

My wonderful dog, Ted, died last September, he was basically my first kid. He was 8. I went in to a very deep sadness and did not understand why I could not come out of it so I sought help from a counselor. She told me that I felt I was no better than my mom because I failed my dog. (My dog, Ted, got hit by a car when he followed my son's school bus on the second day of school.) I felt I caused it and he died because of me. I am trying to work through it and my sadness for his loss is still great. If you have ever known a keeshond, you know what I am talking about. They are called the smiling dutchmen...and they smile even bigger when they are naughty. Makes me smile to think of that. He used to pull scrunchies out of my hair, lol. It got so bad I had to warn my friends about it. Long story short, or not, we adopted another keeshond named Toby. He is Ted's nephew!!!!!

Anyhow, guess that is my story.

June 23, 2006
8:54 pm
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Jenni
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Bumping for SingleBeachDad...

June 24, 2006
5:59 pm
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Best I can
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My story ...
I was third born of three. Two older brothers. I had a different father. I neverknew my father as he was kept from me. I was the burdon and black sheep of the family. I always felt unloved, and unworthy of love.
Ihad disasterous relationships with men, and if I found a nice guy, I would cheat on him because he wasn't exciting (ei, SICK ) enough for me.
I got married to my husband because he was arrested for cocain distribution adn was not a legal citizen of the US, (british) He was being deported. Weh we got to London he began seriously beating me and then in the end actually tried to kill me by choking me to death. When I got home from London and out of the lockdown ward of the mental hospital, I slept with an old friend and became pregnant. He denied our having sex at all and thus was born the only human on planet that loves me... my beautiful daughter.She is eighteen and leaving for college in a few weeks.
My most recent relationship was with someone I met in a chatroom and became friends with. We talked every night for three years, then we met and I fell in love... we slept together but on our first night together I refered to myself as his girlfriend, and he told me point blank, I was not girlfriend material as I was too old to marry. he was ashamed of his relationship with me. But I was 'in love' with him and I thought if I just loved him enough, he would love me too. he would come and visit and sleep with me then leave and not discuss ever seeing each other again. I would force the issue enough that he would give in and come back for a visit. I just got verification recently of his (other) girlfriend, one young enough and pretty enough to be considered girlfriend material.
It was a codependent relationship. Lots of fighting and horrible hurt.I was not the me I know and love. And I DO love me. Yet I still have this thing with men.... God help me, I want a helathy relationship very strongly. Just to prove I can if for no other reason. I want my daughter to see me in a healthy relationship.

Right now though, I am experiencing pain and loneliness. I am sure it is a withdrawl from this grotesque mockery of love.

Thank you for letting me share.

M.

June 25, 2006
12:35 am
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smarterone
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good luck to you, you seem to deserve someone who will love you for you. Too old, guy sounds like a jerk. Us older woman, are smarter, more loving, more experience, and more likely to suceed.

June 25, 2006
12:55 am
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loverbee
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Ok, so here it goes. On september 4, 1982 I was born. My father didn't believe I was his, especially when he found out that I had a different blood type than both my parents. Yes he is not my biological father he was cheated on by my mother. Well, anyway, they got divorced soon after and I went to live with my alcoholic mother where I was beaten repeatedly. Finally she put my hand to a stove so that I ended up in the hospital and my dad finally got custody ( he never found out for sure that I wasn't his) so he was relatively loving at first but then became psycho and controlling (He has Borderline personality disorder) then because I was grounded all the time because he was nuts I finally cracked and became a cutter for several years and then finally tried to commit suicide several times. I went to a theraputic boarding school which saved my life, met the love of my life ( I have a bf of 5 years now and still going strong) and met my true family ( all my best friends). Then Finally I got kicked out of my dads because he didn't like that I got a job and wanted to go to college he thought I should stay home with him all day and all night. So I left and have now been supported for several years by my dads brothers and sisters (financially and emotionally) who are wonderful and now I am going to college for a degree in psychology.

June 25, 2006
2:29 am
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LookingForSupport
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I already posted my story but would like to update. My boyfriend is now home from recovery from his cocaine addiction, he is doing great. He got himself a job (all by himself!!!), and has been clean and sober, not going out at all, since he came home. Our son and him go fishing often, which they both love. I should be so happy. But I'm not. I hate myself for it. This is what I have been waiting for for years. I should be ecstatic. But I feel as if he never quit. I know it's because of my codependency, but it is so hard to change. I went to my first Al Anon meeting Friday. It was great, and I plan on going very often, hopefully three or four times a week. But I feel so depressed. I snap at my boyfriend for every little thing, just like I used to. It sucks. I am pretty much here for support for my codependent charateristics. 🙂 thanks for listening. And good luck to everyone here, I admire everyone's strength.

July 26, 2006
7:57 am
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Jenni
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Thought this could use a bump! 😉

For those that are fairly new, scroll to the top of this page and click "view all posts". (upper left hand corner)

July 26, 2006
9:56 am
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kke22417
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I am 27...

I have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 2). We have 2 beautiful daughters ages 4 year and a baby of 5 months.

There had been red flags all along in our relationship but for some reason, I ignored them, possibly because my father is verbally abusive/drinks and I thought my husbands treatment of me was normal or that he would change for me or that I could change him...

My husband has pushed me around, lied to me about small and large things, diplayed intimidating behavior (clenching his fists while yelling at me), broken my things and throwen glass, phones, remote controls, punched walls, left bruises on me and has been verbally and emotionally abusive...to the point he has said that he lied about really wanting another child...I am in counseling for my anxiety/panic attacks from all this...he is supposedly in counseling too and on meds.

I left him with my girls on June 21, 2006...I hold my wedding vows very dear..."in sickness and health..." but I had to draw the line...I deserve better...my girls deserve better...

Time to break the cycle...

July 26, 2006
10:26 am
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feelingfree
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Jenni- thanks for bumping this. I plan on going back to the old thread and reading thru all- now that I'm more familiar with this board and have been posting for some time.

I am 39- Co-dependent. Married 15 years (19 together) to addict (pills/cocaine).
One beautiful son (soon to be 16).
Divorced a year ago this month- separated 3 years prior to that.
After separation went a little 'off the deep'- started dating an N (on and off) and had some flings I'm not proud of. Bounced between N and Ex-H for 3 years-- and drove myself crazy in the process. 4 months ago said goodbye to Ex N, and haven't had contact since. Started working very hard on my recovery. Ex-H is now clean and sober (for a little over 4 months) and we are getting along very well and spending alot of time together. Don't plan on remarrying EVER, but would be content to stay like this. Feel like I have finally turned a corner and feel good about my life.

July 26, 2006
2:02 pm
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lovinglife
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Ok here is one for you Light:)

But must say that it was a learning experience just writing this out- and I TRIED to just stick to the basics.

Alright...conceived during parent’s separation: Childhood (the 70’s) completely void of just about everything- no major abuse of any kind (did fight with one brother in my teen yrs), no real love, no parenting, pretty much I just existed. Raised (have 2 older brothers) in a relativity quiet single parent home by my mother where we lived for 14 yrs. Our basic needs were met, nothing more, nothing less. Mother worked & traveled a lot. She was absolutely beautiful & full of personality; had many, many, MANY male friends (though we were seldom apart of those relationships & they were NEVER brought into our home). My father also very handsome and full of charm worked and traveled a lot as well– he kind of lived in a dream world of sorts- he remarried and him and his wife for yrs worked for many famous people (he was the house manager- she was the cook). My communication with my father mainly consisted of letters. Neither one of my parents ever said a mean, nasty or unkind word about each other or in fact to my brothers & I. They both were good, kind, well liked people and could only imagine if my brothers & I had been apart of their lives what it would have been like growing up having them as our parents.

Until putting 2 & 2 together since hanging out on this website- I would often asked my mother…. “Tell me what happened in my childhood that has made me so screwed up today…was there abuse that I’m repressing….was there anything traumatic that happened to me… there has to be something…because my adult choices don't make any since...” There was always nothing. Where I’m at today is that both of my parents were a type of Narcissist- both very, very self absorbed in their own worlds. Also learning that why I'm so good at reflection & affirming others is because I have no sense of self: All of my career moves have been in the human services field.

Anyhow…Teens years started with doing drugs and ended at 16 when I had my 1st son. (Sons father still wanted to party on-just quit recently at 41): Took my responsibly seriously, finished HS school, was doing great, enrolled in college at 19, worked- where I met the man (9 yrs older) I would then have two more sons with and spend the next 11 yrs in absolute HELL. Just want to say that I protected my sons as much as I could- my sons & I lived in a fantasy world-we had a hell of a lot of fun and still do. Oh and both my parents at first adored my ex-h as well as my two brothers did. In fact one of my brothers was upset when I divorced the ex (the brother had no clue what I lived in).

Ok…the guts here…my ex-h is an alcoholic- need I say more? I was verbally, emotionally, mentally and in the early years physically abused. He raped me in my early 20’s (it wasn’t until I was 34-four yrs after I divorced him that this came out- had a break down-diagnosed with PTSD.) From 30 until about 37 (now 39) I was able to put together a fairly nice life for me and my 3 sons. Bought my own house, HAD an excellent full-time job, finished up my 2 yr degree I had started on yrs before, (currently working on my 4 yr), had two relationships that ended because they were in some ways like my ex- and in many ways like my parents. And I was just moving on with life. Sons were doing awesome- Things were ok. I decided not to date for 5 yrs (5yrs ago) after the last relationship as I wanted to get myself together for the dream I have always had- to just love and to be loved.

Story goes on that I let my ex-h MOVE into MY home 2 yrs ago after he completely f*ck up his life. He had a son with another woman- she too is an addict. It was only suppose to be temporarily, 6 months. I thought that I could handle it- the past is the past- I had grown- I had moved on- so in my simple mind- he had to have too. Not the case. Don’t have that excellent full-time job anymore, I just recently pulled myself out of a deep depression, and the m-f won’t leave, he has settled right in. We are not together in any shape or form though he tells me everyday how much he wants to be- and everyday I tell him the same thing- GET OUT. His own children don’t even want him here.

How did I end up here on this website? Well, April 11th was my 5 yr mark of the goal I had set of not being in a relationship. Knowing that even though my ex-h came back into my life and has since been trying everything to stop me from moving forward, I thought- I’m moving on with my dreams, if I don’t, he is going to destroy that last ounce of hope I have within me- I set a goal damn it, and I’m not letting him stop me and rip one more thing from me. So I signed on to eHarmony- as my reward of making it 5 yrs-figured for one I can’t pick a decent guy on my own- let a computer-and I really would like to find my soulmate (!), and two, though I knew I wasn’t ready for anything serious, I had to get my foot back out there- somehow-someway. I’d just take it slow, just learn about myself… not lead anyone on…and wouldn’t cha know it- I MET ANOTHER NARCISSIST! My god, thank you mom & dad. This man & I were both apparently on the same page in life- we just clicked to no end and here I sit today.

And that’s lovinglifes story. The short version!

July 26, 2006
2:16 pm
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nvr2late
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loving life...
wow! although I did not know your story...it makes so much sense..
and letting your ex-h back into your life and HOUSE...
wow...I see that in the future for me
and now I will know better.
I probably would have felt sorry for him in some way
but I will keep your story fresh in my mind
you can't get RID of him and his KIDS don't want him there

scary!

congrats on 5 years of focusing on yourself!
you deserve to go back in cautiously.

there are a LOT of men out there that are looking for mothers...
please be careful...you did so much work on yourself, don't go back

and get HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
🙂

nvr

July 26, 2006
5:38 pm
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Anonymous
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(((LL))) what nice things did you accomplish! You deserve a gr8 life!

July 26, 2006
6:23 pm
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Wow, reading some of these stories brought tears to my eyes!! Makes my story seem so insignificant, which I KNOW isn't the case. We are all here for the sole purpose of recovery in one form or another, and for support.
So, let me sum up my life thus far in a nutshell. I grew up w/ an alcoholic dad who always tried to buy love. He was always emotionally unavailable. My mom and him would just fight like cats & dogs and I remember very clearly quite a few times waking up to hear them screaming at one another. Well, the last day of 5th grade we moved out of NJ out to CA. Talk about culture shock! My moms family helped us out soooooo much.
We have been out here now for 20 years and I will never go back to NJ.
Anyway, my mom has been married 5 times, and my dad 3 or 4 I believe. SO, in my head I am thinking I don't want be like that. I want to be married just once and I will do anything to make it work, even if it means 13 yrs later discovering the fact that I am codependent!!!!!
I must say that I am happy and content w/ where I am at today. I am learning how to put myself, my needs, wants, and overall wellbeing FIRST!
Of course, along w/ my daughters 🙂
So, I will be 30 in about 2 months and believe I am where I am supposed to be.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am so proud of everyone on this site. !!! 😉 @--]-----

July 26, 2006
6:50 pm
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hopeless
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Alright.. my whole story... I was born in a foreign country. My grandparents pretty much raised me, my parents werent around much back then and that was fine by me. Then when i was 7 i was out up rooted nd brought to the US far from my grandparents. My parents were never really around, and i grew up really introverted and in books. At 15 i ran away from home (my mother is a big time N). THe man i left with was 22 and abused me. I left him for a mobster who was 24 and had a son. He was always high, never physically abusive but very verbally and emotinally taxing. I came home a year later and had one bad relationship after another with very very bad men.
Then i met the ex-n. He made me feel so good... so alive and loved. Then one day the dream ended and the abuse started. Slowly at first but it escalated till it became physical. Here i am, i'm young but i feel like i've been just about every where and felt just about every pain.

July 26, 2006
7:11 pm
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My story: The younger daughter of an "N" mother and an "N" father (who left before I was born). Was verbally/emotionally and physically abused all throughout childhood. Even did 6 years in foster care because my N-mother didn't want the burden of having her children living with her.

Now age 56, I have been married four times. I was 24 when I first married. It only lasted 4 years because he was TOO NICE, so I ran around on him, barhopped, etc. Finally left and divorced him. Next marriage was to a pot-smoking drughead who bankrupted us within 1 year. I divorced him, too. Third husband? I was 34. He was an alcoholic and MAJOR drug user (altho I didn't know about the heavy drugs, until AFTER the wedding when I was pregnant with my first child). We had two children. The marriage ended when he committed suicide three years ago, while in treatment for Hepatitis C. Met the 4th husband 8 months later on Match.com. Codependent me was panic-stricken at the thought of not having a man in my life, so I married him, as soon as he asked. Turned out to be a narcissist, just like my parents. (Big surprise, eh?) I left him after 6 days because he was seeing another woman and had begun raging at me. I then took up with another alcoholic who (more big surprises) turned out to have borderline personality disorder. Another big Abuser. He finally discarded me last month (after 16 months of escalating abuse, constantly dumping me, then having me "beg" to patch the relationship back together...the madness went on and on, including an official engagement).

I found these threads just as he was dumping me 5 weeks ago. And -- for the first time (thanks to the No Contact Club's constant support), I succeeded in taking control over my life and establishing No Contact. Blocked him on my phone, my email, etc. SILENCE. This is the first time in my life that I have ever found the strength to step back from an abusive relationship. I am now on Day #37 of NC. It is hard at times...I still grieve for what "might have been," but my eyes are wide open to what REALLY WAS, if you follow me. I want to learn to live WITHOUT needing a man in my life to feel whole.

- Strong

July 26, 2006
7:30 pm
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Anonymous
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I´m a middle child of five. Mom cried during my whole pregnancy b/c dad started traveling as a sales rep. After me mom had an abortion. Then, no BC pills, I got two more sieblings. Piano classes didnt help mom raise 5 kids alone. When I was 10, she began threatening separation from my alcoholic father. That affected me b/c I adored my father. He liked my poetry and drawings. I began crying silently in class. Teacher created a class newspaper and put me as an editor. I stopped crying. As the older ones were 17 and 15, mom decided to go back to her family for help. She had been beaten twice, I guess, and also hit my dad back once (a fight I cant forget). We moved to the city. We thought dad was coming. Apparently he got home to the empty house we lived in and decided not to move to the city as he couldnt rule the household w/o interference, while only paying the rent - as mom´s family asked.

My parents´separation was double damage for me: I loved my grandpa and couldnt see him anymore, nor the rest of dad´s family. But there were no more alcohol and arguments on family gatherings... Anyway I forgot about my woes studying language. My older sieblings felt the separation was more of a blessing and the two younger ones to this day say they don´t remember much about father, grandparents, old town, etc. I became a teen. I had a crush for a narcissist at 15 which ended at 2O+! I had lots of male friends, one or two flings, but was afraid of serious dating. All I thought of was dating=breaking up.

After college (translation) I went abroad to polish my German. Then boom, the German mother left the house in 6 months! Lightening hit me again! I stayed to console the little kids. Came back and looked for a job. Perfect job, said the agency lady: secretary. After 2 years of demeaning sexual jokes about the profession, I was beginning to put up with it and about to rent my own place when I met my compulsive American ex-husband. Didnt succumb to his charm and trip invitations at first (he´s 14.5 years older and not exactly what I had dreamed of) but after about a year I came to visit him in his country. I thought he was settling down. He was so ready for it, we were married in little over a month. We stayed married 14 years with me saying okay to everything he decided. I thought he was on his land and he seemed to have always done the homework.

I wasted some time doing a Master´s Degree. Had no kids. Lost my retirement money to a second hand car, my job to keep the hubbie and degree. Then just lost it - period - when I was to begin a teaching job. School didnt have my books, therapist didnt want talk, husband was snoring and I was making a reservation on the next flight out. Fell on my behind, back on my country 8 years ago, when old sis said "come ´home´". Parents had died. I moved about 8 times in 2 years, from a boarding house to a bedroom here and there to maid´s quarters 6X4 ft, went from a marble bath tub at home to a cement washing tub as a sink. Doing translation.

I have been diagnosed with situational depression in 1993-94 to major recurrent depression and now depression and hypomania (due to slight unmotivated irritability, says the shrink). When mom died in 93, she hadn´t found another man to replace her perfect man (if not for the alcohol). Dad found someone with whom he eventually became just friends. He learned he was sick and died 6 months after mom did. They still said they loved each other. What a reference! So in a way I left my married life about the same way my mom left hers. And I too havent found another man yet. I have guilt feelings about abandoning my marriage and yet I know it was so imperfect.

On May 13th, I attempted suicide for the 2nd time taking a pill overdose. Just like the other suicide plans, this failed. I vomited, my neighbors came by and got me to the hospital. After 6 weeks there, I was given the same pills for mood oscillation control but nothing else I had before. So I´m suffering from a lot of anxiety trying to go back to teaching and translating, while bankrupt and under pressure.

It seems my story is a rose garden compared to some others here but the thorns have done a lot of damage. I came here through google. I had attended codep meetings where I met great people just like you guys!

July 26, 2006
7:38 pm
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trying2Bbetter
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This is my first post to the site, thought I’d jump in with my story.

I’m 38, very codependent, grew up in a family with alcoholism (dad and older brothers), one brother with mental illness, and a very overcontrolling mother who died when I was a teenager. I was date raped the first time I had sex at age 18. Although that was the only time the boyfriend was physically abusive towards me, he was emotionally abusive and controlling. I stayed with the jerk for three more years before I got the courage to end that relationship.

I’m now married for 13 years, no kids (by choice). I was thrilled that my husband didn’t want to have sex until we got married. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a great thing after all. He turned out to be very selfish in that manner.

Husband is a good guy as in pays the bills, takes care of the yard, is “steady as a rock”, but isn’t so good as in: he’s depressed, very passive aggressive, doesn’t like to socialize/go out with friends, is very selfish about sex (he wants what he wants and what I want doesn’t seem to matter to him), and basically gives most of his attention to the TV set. I can’t talk to him about anything deep or important, like planning for the future, why his actions hurt my feelings, etc. without him getting up and walking away. He also uses joking as a deflecting technique/defense mechanism.

He's been physically aggressive a couple of times when we were both drinking too much and he shoved me and broke some small furniture. I asked him to move out when that happened.

He’s moved out very briefly on two occasions but has come back of his own accord. Second time he came back I said only on the basis that he go to joint marital counseling with me. He went for four visits, two of which were joint counseling, and two visits were individual therapy, then he quit. He doesn’t see that he, or we, have a problem. We’re still together.

I’ve been in individual therapy for 10 years.

My therapist tells me I have to decide to either accept that he will never change, and carry on, or decide that I can do better on my own and move on. So far I’ve decided to stay with him.

Another issue that brings me to the site and a thread I have read for encouragement many times is the “no contact” thread.

The reason is…I have had a three year "friendship" with a guy who is not married. Although I told myself I wouldn’t get emotionally attached or physically involved with him, I have….and as I tell my therapist…I know it’s not right, I know it’s not healthy, and I know I need to end the "friendship" (she agrees). This guy seems like a classic narcissist. He’ll act like he can’t get enough of my attention and friendship… then days, weeks, or months later he’ll act like he could care if I take a flying leap off the face of the earth or not, and when I question his behavior or tell him I feel slighted, he tells me I’m “overthinking things”. We've had this pattern happen a few times.

My husband suspects something might be going on with this friend, but he’s burying his head in the sand about it (like everything else) and going with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

I’m smart enough to know I should stay the hell away from toxic friend, but (habit maybe?) has me wanting to keep in contact with him. He’s a troubled soul and I think I’m trying to win him over with my kindness, listening to him, ad nauseum.

Continuing this toxic friendship saps me of my energy because I spend a lot of time obsessing about what he’s doing, when he’ll contact me again, etc. He’s made it clear lately that he is not interested in the friendship we used to have, and that unless I’m willing to be physical with him on a moment’s notice (when it’s convenient for him), he seems to have no use for me.

The good news is, by reading the NC thread and others on this site, it’s kept me from IMing, emailing, or calling him. I’m on day 17 of NC and very proud of it! It's difficult though...I see him on IM and want to say hi but have refrained. I can't bring myself to take him off my IM list altogether or stop looking at his MySpace either.

I just wanted to post with my story and to say that I have gained a lot of strength in the past 17 days from reading others’ stories and posts (StronginHim77, Alicat, Garfield, to name a few!) I feel that taking the step to post on this site is another step in the right direction for me. I don’t have any friends to talk to about the toxic friendship so it helps to write about it. I really, really want to continue to walk away from this toxic friendship and focus on me and on my emotional health.

I feel for anyone who is in the boat of being involved with someone who is married, or being the married one and becoming emotionally attached to someone you shouldn’t be. I never, ever would have thought I’d be in this situation but here I am. I recognize that despite how exciting/fun/good such a relationship/friendship like that may seem at times, in the long run it’s not worth it, for anyone involved.

t2Bb

July 26, 2006
8:51 pm
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lovinglife
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kke~I posted on one of your other threads and just want to say once again that I have such a high respect for a woman who gets themselves and children out of an unhealthy environment.

sini~ WE all deserve to have a great life as well finding that man of our dreams :). And believe by being here on this wonderful website ALONG with just some of the most awesome people I could have ever imagine encountering – that right here is the best start to finding each of our ‘future great lives’.

nvr2late~ just want to say that I NEVER imagined that I would be battling try to get my ex-h out of my house! Hope that if you ever end up facing that sitz in your life and feel it deep within you to keep him out, that you’ll listen to your intuition- I didn’t.

giggles~ makes me sad to hear your story about how you were raised-my children also heard many fights (as well as continuing to). And you are so right on that … “We are all here for the sole purpose of recovery in one form or another, and for support.”

Hope~ the peanut on the NC thread! And man does it just make me sick to think that at your age“… i'm young but i feel like i've been just about every where and felt just about every pain…” You are going to make it-you here and have Ma Strong to help you along and keep tabs on you 🙂 .

Strong~ What is up with these online dating services?!...” Day #37 of NC for you! You just keep on being such an inspiration for all of us.

2better~ Welcome, welcome! And isn’t that NC thread just the greatest?!

July 27, 2006
6:13 pm
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lonelywoman
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All of your stories touched my heart. I think this is a wonderful site to share our thoughts, feelings and lives. My story.

I am 56 - was abandoned by my biological Dad at 1 year old - adopted by my stepfather - My step father was an alcoholic - and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. My mother was co-dependent and depressed - I had to be a mother to my younger sisters and feel I never had a childhood - Because I was told my biological dad left me - I felt unloved.

My mother was emotionally and verbally abusive -

My uncle molested me at age 11

Didn't date much and married as soon as I could to escape my household. Married for 26 years to a man who was verbally, emtionally and physically abusive . If you add this up - it is 46 years of abuse.

Left my husband after I was raped. I was single for 7 years - Have had much counseling and therapy for the abuse.

Remarried 2 years ago and lead a support group. I am doing well - but still have codependency tendacies.

I relate to all of your stories in one way or another and just want to say - please don't give up hope. It is SO important.

That is my story in a nutshell - if I went into greater detail - it would be a giant book!!!!

Love you all and thanks for your support.

LW

July 29, 2006
12:01 am
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ggfred4
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First I read your stories twice...these are your lives and I am so amazed at the strength displayed....

KKE- great decision!

Feeling free- Sounds like you picked the right name for yourself!

Loving-ex-H has got to go; please get help in finding out how...

Giggles-I am so excited to hear that an almost 30 year old is content! Congratulations!

Hopeless- I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through. I pray your name hopeless will one day change to havinghope! Stay in touch...

Strong-I think we have to learn to live with ourselves first...You are a strong person, I can tell, so I know you are going to be successful.
I always said that if something happened to my marriage that I never want to be married again, maybe an affair...Too much effort in these marriages!!!

Trying-I totally agree with what your counselor said about your husband. My husband went through a depressed period for about 1 1/2 years and sex was the last thing on his mind. Trips to a psychiatrist and meds brought him back; chemical imbalance. (just a thought)

Lonely-Your name makes me sad for you. I am proud of you having a support group. If I lived near; I would join!!!

gg's story-Brought up in what appeared to be the Beaver Cleaver home to outsiders. Stay at home mom, workaholic dad. Dad, military and extremely strict down to our table manners, room inspections, and duty days...Dad molested me throughout childhood (don't remember all; don't want to either; I know enough). Dad spanked with pants and underwear off; very humiliating while mom watched and didn't stop him. Molested while babysitting (the dad came home before the mom) Really don't remember everything, but do know I have had hard time with adults socially. Always avoided meeting people, weddings, showers, etc. Love children and became a teacher. Still love my job...

I just started dealing with this in the last year. Began not handling stress well which led to physical problems. Came close to drowning myself in pills Feb. when a friend rejected me. Started cutting myself in March, but trying to stop. Been to doctor, on meds for major depression. Went to counselor 3x's.
Seek happiness from others. I am the best friend a person can have, but it is never returned. I want close friends and affection so bad that I have overwhelmed three possiblilities this year and they don't ever call. The bad thing, I do work with them and trying the "detach" thing. School starts next week for me and I am wondering how I am going to be. I want to be happy with myself and not be so needy, but I really can't stand myself. That is my story..

July 29, 2006
8:24 am
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startingover
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Hi

I am 46 years old, was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who was always distant and controlling, not affectionate at all, no time for me or the kids. I waited 20 years to divorce him, I have never regretted that I waited or that I'm not married to him anymore.

I "lost myself" in my children for 20 years, anticipating their every need, not over-protecting, but not encouraging growth, either.

I rarely date. I met a nice man, it was romantic, and intimate for awhile, but he was a drinker, too, and unemployed, so not "long-term" or "husband" - material (not that I was looking), so we became very good, close friends. I think.

My life started falling apart, becoming unmanageable as I learned in AlAnon, when this man's 19 year-old son died, and I became his caretaker, on suicide watch 24 hours a day for months, and trying to save him from himself. His family, his friends, and he drained me with their requests to check on him and help him, and his drinking became worse and worse. Still, we had daily contact, spent a lot of time together, and he spent a lot of time with my three teenagers. I moved very near him, (his request, not difficult, as I had sold my house at a loss because of all my new expenses). He got worse. I didn't know how bad...it went on for two years, then a sudden barrage of gross things - all happened in a week or less - he used heroin, then crack, then told me he "would never marry me" (!? Thanks), then posted pictures of a very young 16-18 year-old new GF in lingerie on his Myspace, and asked me to look at his site, and so on.

I told him to go away, changed my number, avoid him like the plague, and my heart just felt broken. He was my best friend. I still don't understand. I think he was a better person once, now I'm not sure. He was using me all along. I lost a car, my house, and I'm in major debt. I thought he couldn't work, because he was grieving. He really is a drunk, junkie bum. Truth, not mean-ness.

I need to learn how to have better relationships than this. I would like to be in an exclusive, committed relationship one day. I want to be the love of some kind man's life. I'm not ready yet, and enjoy being alone. However, enough is enough.

Thanks everyone for helping me learn new ways, and for the company.

SO

July 29, 2006
8:58 am
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taj64
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Dear Starting Over, I think you are wonderful, best friend anyone could ask for. You did all this so willingly and out of your heart, and this man stomped on it and was ungrateful. Im so sorry for that. And Im glad you are having a better life and healing.

July 29, 2006
10:01 am
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lightchaser
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Lovinglife-thanks for posting your story, I had no Idea, really. So, the x is still living with you? I posted a very short version of my story if you hit view all posts.

The rest of you, it is so good to get to know you all a bit better. I haven't read all of these yet as then I get confused as to who's story is whose.

You all are beautiful.

July 29, 2006
4:54 pm
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lovinglife
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Hey Light- was going to post over on your thread but thought I'd keep my crude in here : ).

Tell ya going back and reading other stories it makes one feel kinda stupid for 'whining' in anyway about life. Much of MY misery has come about because of MY OWN stupid *ss choices. BUT what has kept me continuing right on with making those stupid choices has been that thinking of..."It wasn't/isn't THAT bad, could have been worse, blah, blah, blah...you've made your own bed now deal with it..." But I WANT to be so done with the 'life' I've only known, and that life IS these last 20 yrs of dealing with the ex-H.

Yes Light, he is still here. And yes he is still drinking. And yes he still plays mind games with me- though the 'abuse' I endured during the marriage is long gone, he still has a strong control over me and leaves me feeling completely powerless. And to think that I just kicked *ss during the yrs I was away from him. Sometimes I feel like that young-naive girl I was when I met him and have reverted back to so many yrs ago. I can’t help but think that THIS is going to be it for the rest of my life- imprisoned in my own mind with my ex-H growing old with me right by my side.

I believe that in many ways why I gave my heart & soul to the man that got me here (ex-n) was wanting to believe in a fantasy that he’d pick me up out of this and stand me back on my feet. In many ways that fantasy did make me stronger and it seemed like THIS (the ex-h) was getting so close to ending. But what I need to realize- is that no one other than myself is going to stand me back up and keep me moving forward to my dreams. I did it once, I can do it again. The only difference is that my sons are all grown- nothing to fight for but myself- and thats hard.

Anyhow-I as well as the rest of ALL of US in here, have it within to rise above all the crude that was handed to us or given to us that we didn't ask for. It’s just finding the right answers and keep on keeping on til we get it right. And that’s my plan! But just having a plan sure don't make it any easier : )

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