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Can we give our storys again?
June 12, 2006
10:46 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Hey Loverbee,Shyshy,Lightchaser,bonni and Jenni thank you all for sharing your storys. I think that looking back on this it will become easer to give advice or to be there for you all cause we know a little more on what you are comming from. I know that I have had difficulties with that in the past. Hugs to you all

June 12, 2006
10:50 pm
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Juanita
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My story seems like not much compared to the pain others have suffered and survived. Sometimes just reading the other postings is too painful to bear knowing the reality of it is really out there. My heart goes out to all who have suffered. You are amazing in your survival and recovery and bravery. Compliments to all of you in your strength....

My story is simple. Marrital troubles. Lack of communication, his want to explore fantasies which were uncomfortable to me (swinging & such - I hate to go any deeper than that as I don't want to dig up the old memories). I was heartbroken and felt utterly useless beyond the bedroom. He had no time for me unless it was there. I was truly sad & twisted & felt worthless.

I still suffer some self-esteem issues, but have remained in my marriage. Sometimes I need the support that I am not crazy as he used to make me feel. Sometimes I need an ear to vent my sadness to as I can feel so alone.

I am currently in counselling for the 2nd time & he finally attended marriage counseling with me for a while. (they say we are doing better) Now, I am/we are in the process of trying to see if we can begin again as recapturing the old feelings just no longer seems possible. He says he still loves me, but I no longer like to use the word 'love'. My emotions are more cynical now (about love). Still working on myself.

Any way, I came here because I was heartbroken and ashamed of myself, our problems, and had no one to confide in. I felt nuts & desperate.

I am thankful for the people here.

June 12, 2006
10:56 pm
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lollipop3
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I tried to find my original thread but was unsuccessful. I don't remember what the title was.

Anyway...I started lurking around here in Nov.'04 but didn't post until April '05.

I originally posted when I found out that my b/f had lied to me about having a child. That was the catalyst that promted me to write but was not the beginning nor the end of our problems.

As far as my relationship goes.....we are both alcoholics. We both became sober in Aug.'04 when he acted in a way that made me feel totally humilated by pitting another girl and myself against each other. A girl that I later found out was the mother of his child.

After that night I decided to give up alcohol and gave him an ultimatum that either he did the same or I never wanted to see him again. He chose to quit drinking. I found recovery....he did not. He remains sober but has yet to deal with any of the issues that compelled him to drink in the first place. Our relationship has had many, many, many ups and downs. Although he has made many postive changes...some were negative as well. Without the tranquilizing effects of alcohol...he went from a happy go lucky guy who would just die if he thought I was angry with him, to a controlling verbally and mentally abusive person. Also because he has never found true recovery...he has replaced his addiction to alcohol with an addiction to work. Instead of an alcoholic....he is now a workaholic.

During my own recovery I have, for the first time, begun to deal with my own personal issues separate from my relationship issues. First and foremost....that he is not the first abusive alcoholic I have dated. I have a history of choosing emotionally unavailable, addicted men. Most likely due to growing up in a alcoholic home and being sexually abused by a neighbor as a child.

Like everyone here....I could go on and on and on....but that's the gist of it.

I have been in therapy for 1 1/2 years. I practice my Alanon daily. I come here for support, wisdom and insight. And I get stronger and healthier every day.

Thanks for listening.

Lolli

June 12, 2006
10:57 pm
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Jenni
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Juanita, you have no reason to feel ashamed of yourself. You are a human just like everyone here. And we have all had our problems, and still do. You are very welcome in this circle of friends, here! You're in good company! WELCOME!!

Jen

June 12, 2006
10:59 pm
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Jenni
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(((Lolli)))

June 12, 2006
11:08 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Jenni)))

Thank you

June 13, 2006
12:38 am
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LookingForSupport
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I just came her a couple of days ago, but here's my story. me and my boyfriend have been together for five years. He started doing cocaine maybe 4 years ago but he was just trying it, and about three and a half years ago it was getting pretty bad. I was pregnant with my son then (he will be 3 in September) and I wouls worry sick about my boyfriend. He would be gone for hours, sometime days, at a time. I think i am just now realizing how long this has been going on, I guess I have kinda been in denial with myself about it. Anyway, it has gotten worse and worse. For our son's first birthday, I gave S (that's what I'll call my boyfriend) $35 to buy our son a little toddler couch at Wal Mart and well he bought cocaine instead. I have come very far in a bad way, thinking I was doing something wrong, this was my fault, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love his son. I have realized these past couple of weeks this is not so. He does love me and he does love his son but he never loved himself. He didn't think he was hurting us, just himself and he didn't care about himself so he never stopped. Now he is in rehab and he actually has been gone a month he is coming home tomorrow (Wednesday) and he now loves himself. He has come VERY far I believe, but I am still depressed. I know I need to detach from him but it seems like it will be hard. The hard hasn;t come yet because he's not home yet but I can only imagine. Sorry I have made this post so long, thanks for listening.

June 13, 2006
1:04 am
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Jenni
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(((LookingForSupport))) You're in the right place, for support and comfort. Welcome aboard, here! Keep posting, and feel free to share anytime. Many here have been and are still, in your shoes.

Good luck with the return of your BF. Hopefully, now that he has found love for himself, he will truly be ready for change.

Just be emotionally prepared, for yourself and your son, for it to go either way. Utilizing our choices can be a difficult thing to do, but at least we have them. Thank GOD for that!

Best Wishes, Honey!

Jen

June 13, 2006
8:42 am
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Juanita
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Jenni,

Thank you for your hug & comment. It was hard not to feel ashamed when my spouse wanted to share me with others. I did not cave to his fantasy, but our relationship has been damaged. Due to young children & perhaps my own lack of inner strength, I am here trying to work on seeing if we can maintain a marriage. We can function in many areas fine, but I am not the same woman (at home)that I used to be & I struggle with the sadness of that fact, am learning this new version of myself, and analyzing this same person on how she relates to who. Interesting in some ways, good in some, and sad in others. What a mix.

You have survived a lot & many props to you for having the strength & courage to make definitive answers in your life. Keep up the good work ~ props on the kids graduating.... one left ~ sounds to me like freedom & independence are coming around to knock on your door soon. Enjoy all the blessings in your life.

Juanita

June 13, 2006
9:15 am
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talamwa1
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Here is my story

Seems like I really should be grateful reading all of yours. I really had a great childhood. Went to college. Meet a wonderful girl, she dumped me, was crushed. Got married at 27, lasted for 18 years, she cheated on me. Divorced. After 3 years meet another woman. That relationship was so one sided. I put everything into it and really got so little out. Well to make a long story short. We ended it. Hurt so bad. Brought back all of the hurts from my other significant relationship. Trying to get past it all now. Sometimes life sucks

Wayne

June 13, 2006
11:17 am
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StronginHim77
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Guess I am the "oldest bird" in here at 56. Your stories deeply touch my heart. So much suffering...so much to endure and overcome. The devil never rests. I will be praying for all of you, to recover peace, joy and emotional safety in your lives. So many of you have never had this.

My own story is classic. Raised by an emotionally distant, "cold" mother (narcissist). No father. (He left my mother while she was pregnant with me.) My mother had boyfriends who shared her loathing of children.

I became the "good child" - straight A's, valedictorian in high school...then I cracked finally. Became highly promiscuous. Total number of marriages: 4. The father of my two sons was married to me for 19 years, until he committed suicide. He was an alcoholic and pill abuser.

I am a codependent. Many wonderful people here on these threads have helped me toward the road of recovery.

- I am grateful for all of you.

-
Strong

June 13, 2006
11:23 am
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Randomwomen2
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and we are grateful for you sweetheart (((stronginHim))). I dont think I have seen you here before Talamaw1 so welcome.

June 13, 2006
12:04 pm
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smarterone
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When I read all of the posts here,i cant believe that my life gives me the pain it does. I want to applaud all of you for the strength within yourselves to be able to share, love and care for others at this time in our lives. God bless all of you and hugs and kisses to all.
Donna
(((((((everyone))))))))XXXXX

June 13, 2006
8:22 pm
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Jenni
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Juanita, you're welcome for the hug! There are alot of those going around here. We all share in our pain together, as a team.

I know you felt ashamed about sharing the part where your husband had the fantasies. But you need not feel that way. There are many men who have suggested this type of thing to their wives. Personally, I myself, would not be happy about it. But don't feel any shame. This is not your fantasy, it's his. I know it probably feels like a reflection off of you, and who you are, but it's truly not.

Anyway, just hang around. You'll find yourself surrounded by many who know how you are feeling!

And to everyone here, THANK YOU for being here and available to so many out there, who truly needs your help! Sometimes, without even knowing it, I'm sure, you have made a real impact on someone, just by showing your support with your thoughts and words. I'm sure there are also many lurkers out there, who find comfort, just by reading! (((HUGS))) to ALL!! 😉

Take care...

Jen

June 13, 2006
8:31 pm
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lightchaser
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Juanita- I am glad you are here! No, don't feel ashamed. My husband had the same types of fantasies. His included groups (having sex in front of other people) and I did what he wanted in hopes he would find me desirable and I would be enough for him. Guess what- it didn't work. So be proud of yourself that you didn't give in and do things you didn't want to do!!!

June 13, 2006
10:23 pm
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jastypes
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It strikes me that none of us would be who we are if we hadn't gone through all that we have.

My dad left when I was 8 years old. My mom brought an alcoholic home to live with us. I loved him. She threw him out and dated a married man after that for many years. My dad visited from time to time. When I was a young adult, he molested me.

From age 17 to age 24 I was drinking, using a multitude of drugs, and being extremely promiscuous. I met my husband at age 24 and quit everything. Unfortunately, he didn't. After 10 years of an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage, I found out he had been using drugs all along, including crack. We separated. He came back. I fell into a sexual addiction and had 4 months of promiscuous and dangerous behavior. I will be forever grateful to God that it was only 4 months. My husband and I reconciled. He was straight for about 2 years, then he started using again. Pot, cocaine and then heroin.

In Dec. 2004 he had a very serious car accident and gave up all drugs, but has never gone into a recovery program. At that time I started attending Celebrate Recovery meetings to deal with my co-dependency and food addiction. Mark and I almost divorced, but have once again reconciled. We will be married 21 years in July. I continue working my program one day at a time. A highlight of this past year is that my father apologized to me for what he did.

jill

June 13, 2006
10:40 pm
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snowlover
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Ive been avoiding this thread for days now. Guess its time to tell me story too.

My Mother commited suicide when i was 3 when she found out my dad was having an affair with the woman who became my stepmother. She and my Dad were alcoholics, and I was verbally and physically abused until the age of 15 when my Dad died and my stepmom placed me in foster care. My father was a Narcassist. I cant go into the details of all the abuse, its just too hard for me. I lived in a group home until i was 18 and could be on my own.

The first man i fell in love with was married, and went back and forth between me and his wife for 3 years. I accepted it it, because it was better than any love I had known before. I thought if he wasnt beating me I wasnt being abused. He finally went back to the wife for good, left the state, and i met the man I ended up marrying 3 years later. VERY good husband, adored me, treated me well, and it totally flipped me out. I didnt know how to deal with NOT being abused. We had 3 miscarriages during our marriage. i desperately wanted a child.

T, the married man, my first love, pursued me the entire 13 years i was married, even though he had divorced, and married wife #2. Totally messed with my head. i wasnt a very good wife.

3 years ago he convinced me to pack my things and move across country to be with him, help him raise his kids from his 2nd marriage, and be a family. he is a textboox Narcissist, and I only realized that thru this site 6 months ago. he is now back with wife #2, has lied to me more than i can even remember, and totally used me in evey way possible. My ex husband is happily remarried, and here i am, 1,100 miles away from home, and alone. BUT...thats okay. Im stronger now than Ive ever been. I dont know if Im totally "happy", but im content, and finding the real me for the first time in my life.

Snow

June 13, 2006
11:02 pm
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Juanita
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Thank you Lightchaser (like your name!)

My spouse wanted the same stuff too. Although he no longer requests any of this stuff anymore, for the time period he did, it altered me. In some ways I have become the woman I never wanted to be, and in others, I am growing into the one I did want.

I am curious as your story is so similar how you felt & survived, and how your marriage is doing now? Are you still married?

I struggle with my love not being the depth it was before (missing what it was before), is what we (I) have left still love or just dependency/comfort in remaining here?

Is this what marriage feels like after a couple goes thru a majorly troubling time?

I go to counseling tomorrow to continue in my search, vent, release, and education of myself.

Someday, I would love to be truly happy again. Hopefully, you can tell me how you found your happiness again, for I do hope that you did.

I guess, for all of us here, what troubles we survive and that do not 'beat' us, make us stronger. We are all getting to be like tempered steel perhaps - surviving rough times to become finely honed & polished, unbreakable... We are the fortunate ones to survive & learn & be here for someone else.

June 14, 2006
1:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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Snow...

Your story touched my heart so deeply. You sure have come a long ways, to overcome so much and still have compassion for others. There is such a ton of good in you. Thank you for sharing so openly with us and for all the nonjudgmental kindness and acceptance you have offered to so many of us "fellow screw-ups" here on these threads. It is a blessing to know you!

-
Strong

June 14, 2006
7:06 pm
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depressionsucks78
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This seems totally stupid and ridiculous for me. I feel like my life has been perfect compared to so many others who have been through so much more than I have. I feel like a whiny 2 year old and I feel like I just need to "get over it". But, here's my story.

I had a pretty good home life. Things didn't start getting bad for me until I was about 18. I was raped in my car at knife-point by a "kind-of" boyfriend. I was underage and I was drinking with him, so I felt like it was partly my fault. I didn't tell anyone about the whole situation for several years, and when I finally did, no one believed me. I got married when I was 20, to a guy I barely knew, but I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me. He was in the Army, and left the country 6 months after we got married.

When he came home, I was in the psych ward for the first time in my life. I was scared, angry, and just wanted my husband to be by my side. he was there for a minute, then he became emotionally abusive. We fought all the time. Finally, after almost 2 years of marriage, I was in the state hospital, and had been there for 2 weeks. He called me on the phone and told me he wanted a divorce. Because of that stunt, I was kept in the hospital another 2 weeks. We were seperated for 5 years before he finally filed for divorce this past Feb.

I signed the divorce papers while I was in the hospital(again), and now, I'm dealing with all of the emotions I thought I had gotten rid of 5 years ago.

In those 5 years I was extremely promiscuous, and because of my emotional problems, took ALOT of verbal abuse from various boyfriends, and now, i'm just VERY F**KED up in the head.

June 14, 2006
9:33 pm
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LookingForSupport
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Thank you very much Jenni. ((hugs))

June 14, 2006
9:51 pm
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Jenni
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Thank YOU, for being here and being YOU! (((LookingForSupport)))

June 15, 2006
6:07 am
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snowlover
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Strong,

Thank you so much. When I read these stories here I feel like Ive been lucky in so many ways. There are so many other horrible, much worse things that could have happened to me. I think its human to feel that the things youve been thru arent near as much as what others have when you read such heartfelt responses that have been left here.

I dont think any of us are merely "survivors". I think we are all fighters in so many ways. We didnt accept the circumstances of our lives simply. We fight to make things better, and to move past the adversity. We wouldnt be here if that wasnt the case.

Hugs,
Snow

June 15, 2006
11:05 am
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Rasputin
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Oh boy! (((ALL))) Your stories touched my heart very deeply. Yes, I realized that I am not alone in my pains and traumas.

Keeping you ((ALL)) in my prayers!~Ras~

June 15, 2006
12:06 pm
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taj64
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oh boy, the reason I came here was because of having an affiar with a married man. I typed up the word codependent in google and found this site cause that is what his therapist labeled us - all three of us, me, him and his wife. I fell way too hard for this man, and supposedly he fell for me too only he was too guilt tripped in continuing with me. Despite the fact that I was #4 on his list, I suppose falling for me was not in the plan for him and woke him up into staying with her - after 3 years of this back and forth deciding. He never left her once for me though. But left me devastated. I was also married 10 years ago to alcholic/coke addict. He has recovered. And both of my parents and a sister are/were alcholics. My father dies from tragic car accident when I was 13, drinking of course. Im not sure if I will ever recover from the married man. It is a deep wound which doesn't seem to heal with time. I can only keep praying and staying on here to get through it for the rest of my life. Something has to give...eventually. I know I will never be the same person as before all this. That it is a given. I hope I have a success story as some of you have. I just know the road is a lot harder and longer than expected. And this is where I am today. Still heartbroken, after almost a year.

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