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can u relate? struggling w/ guilt because you know your are the codependant one?
January 23, 2007
11:47 am
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balancesekr
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I have been going back and forth for 2.5 years in my relationship. I keep not knowing, yet staying in the relationship. I feel guilty because if I am unsure then I am doing my partner and myself no good and I feel like a terrible person for this.

I keep telling myself, you do love him, you just struggle because this is the only way you know how to love. I tell myself I will make a decision soon... I have started going to meetings again and I want to get better.

I feel like a criminal, cause my man does love me and here I am struggling.... can u relate and what do you do?
thanks
b

January 23, 2007
11:52 am
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mj
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🙂 Yes, I can relate balancesekr! I am so glad that you have posted your feelings. Be Gentle with yourself. I have read that sometimes you do nothing until the time is right. You staying is just what is needed while you work on your recovery issues. The secret is working the steps, and go to meetings, and feel your feelings, a day at a time.

January 23, 2007
11:52 am
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on my way
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I can relate. I used to do this before I realized we BOTH were codependent. Only I would always back down, dig down deep and try harder...to me it was always my job, in my mind, to be the one to try harder. It was a downward spiral for me...I tried so hard until I lost myself.

balance, it takes TWO to build a relationship. I think part of codependence is feeling like it is 'all up to you'. I needed my husband to listen to me, and he usually blamed me to the point where I took responsibility for all of the crap. If this is what you do, or how you feel, then counseling may be good to help right now.

January 23, 2007
3:43 pm
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balancesekr
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mj & on my way,
I am heading to a meeting tonight! Things are starting to become a little clearer to me lately and I am just stuck because of fear, fear of the unknown, fear that I just repeated the same relationship pattern once again, fear I will lose my boyfriend forever and regret it, fear that I will wake up next to him in 10 years and think now its really too late to leave... this is all so hard and love is supposed to feel good, right?!

Thanks for the encouragement mj with regards to posting. Sometimes I get scared to post, afraid someone will just bash me and tell me I am horrible.

And on my way, I wonder if he is codependent too. This adds even more fuel to the fire in my mind.
b

January 23, 2007
4:07 pm
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soprano2
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Yes, I can relate.

I have felt very guilty. I cannot always put my feelings about that guilt into words. I think that it is a mixture of a bunch of stuff.

Sometimes I feel like because I don't want to live like this anymore, I am causing my marriage to fail.

If I didn't change these ways, would my marriage be any stronger? My answer to that is no--it would not be stronger. And it would probably be more unhealthy. And I would be more miserable.

I have been trying to focus on more positive things instead of the guilt. Sometimes it is easier to do than other times, but it has shown me that the guilt I feel is just a little part of the big picture (and it's not anywhere the size of elation I feel when I actually stand up for myself in certain situations.)

good luck, and remember, this is kind of normal--it is what you do with those guilty feelings that really matters.

s2

January 23, 2007
4:09 pm
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Giggles_29
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balancesekr,
I have been there before more than once. You cannot beat yourself up over it. It is hard. Codependency is a lifelong lesson as I say. It is good that you are going to meetings and posting. You should never be afraid to post on here, nobody will bash you or tell you that you are horrible. It's not good to keep your feelings bottled up, so just let them out !! 🙂
Fear of the unknown is a scary thing. However, from my personal experience, it's only scary until you hit your "enough is enough" point and are truly ready to make change.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with everything. Keep updates please, i would like to know how things are going for you.
@--]----- Giggles

January 23, 2007
5:54 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I can relate. Guilt is one of the biggest stresses in my life. Taking the steps I have to start over coming codependency have been very hard.

January 23, 2007
7:37 pm
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on my way
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balance,
Well hopefully it isn't break-up time, but maybe just a positive transition time.

Let us know how you meeting goes and how you are doing afterwards.

January 24, 2007
9:16 am
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balancesekr
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hey everyone,
thanks for encouraging me to post Giggles! I appreciate everyone posting to me and I wanted to share my experience last night...

so I went again once around the cycle... I went to a meeting, felt better after sharing, felt like maybe the relationship with my boyfriend will work out, I will get healthy and I will know what I want.

I went grocery shopping, bought nutritional food, went home, I was feeling like I made good decisions... then I drank a couple of glasses of wine (by the way, I have a drinking problem) then I was prepared to talk to my boyfriend...

of course I went looking for love from him, do you miss me? do you still feel the same? I ask all these questions looking for validation. I think about him and feel good, I love him right?

I analyze our relationship, ask him questions about us and are we ok, etc... we both say I love you and get off the phone.

I drink a little more, and finally fall asleep. I wake up confused as always, I feel sad I don't know what to do, sad that maybe my feelings for my man are gone, were never real, how I am gonna remedy this situation?

We are seeing each other tonight. I just don't know what to do, what to say to him.

This is where the guilt comes in.

January 24, 2007
9:21 am
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balancesekr
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I wanted to add...
I feel this empty feeling. Part of me feels like I am going to get through this...

If I do say to my boyfriend I really need some time, I am sorry but I need to get my head straight, it may make us it may break us, but I have to do it.

I just can't seem to go there because I think to myself, I do love him and I Dont want to lose him.

January 24, 2007
10:21 am
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balancesekr
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this really spoke to me it was on another thread posted by soledad to wannabe about love...

"If you waste it making your life a living hell and full of depression then you will not be happy and the day he does come into your life you will not have what it takes to recognize that true happiness is at your door waiting for you to say hello!Ready for you to share that specail wedding you have been waiting for!! If you continue to live this way , one day you will realize that he did pass by and it was YOU who said Goodbye!"

I am so scared this is what I have done by staying in my relationship, and now there is no way I can fix things, I got involved at the wrong time and now... it may as well be over. This makes me super sad and I feel like I did it to myself.

January 24, 2007
12:04 pm
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on my way
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balance,
Maybe try to not drink. Alcohol so effects our emotions! It can make us feel what we don't or make us feel MORE about what we feel than is normal. And, it just kind of puts a stopper on moving forward, it can make you stay stuck in the muck so to speak. SO if you want a different perspective, or if you want to move forward, the alcohol can only stop that. You end up with "feelings, feelings and more feelings", and they end up controlling your life. Lay off the booze and see what happens, the truth of all of it may pop up and you will then feel bettr because you are dealing with 'you', 'your boyfriend' and 'relationship' without being influenced.

My thoughts. Please don't take them as judgements.

January 24, 2007
12:50 pm
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balancesekr
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hi on my way,
No, I am not taking it that way at all. I so appreciate your thoughts and advice.

You are right, I have thought the same things and I have tried to cut down, it is so hard for me not to drink. I like it so much.

I will try though, cause I need a new perspective and want to help myself.

Thanks,
b

January 25, 2007
2:29 pm
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Giggles_29
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((Balance)), you are very welcome. It sure does help to have somewhere to go to vent and be anonymous!
I think what you said about taking time for yourself to get your head straight is a good idea. That way you can figure out exactly what YOU want out of life, what YOU want to accomplish, without having to focus on him and the relationship. It does wonders to take a step back and look at the entire picture. It is hard to see the whole picture when you are in it, if that makes sense.
I wish you luck, and keep posting. I would like to know how everything turns out.

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