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Can trust be repaired once broken?
March 11, 2006
9:40 am
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inalotofpain66
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Question for the day all......

I am starting to realize that once trust has been broken, it cannot be repaired, or if it can it's tenuous at best. Starting to realize that trust is a fragile thing.....maybe the most fragile thing in any human relationship.......

Is this true? What do you think?

March 11, 2006
9:52 am
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loverbee
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yes I do think it is very fragile and it takes a long time to repair, but it can't never be repaired.It will however take years and years to repair it.

March 11, 2006
10:26 am
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sird
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I have been in many relationships some of which were broken then re-established because of infidelity. From my experience once that form of trust is compromised there is no going back. However that's just my personal opinion and not all situations are the same.

March 11, 2006
1:49 pm
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jastypes
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Our marriage counselor told us that trust is rebuilt by consistent (days, weeks, months) of respectful and honoring behavior. Good luck with that. My husband can put together about 2 hours of such behavior before he lapses into lying and swearing.

March 11, 2006
2:15 pm
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my fault
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I will have to say trust can not be given but has to be earned.

I never felt the need to not trust my husband until he took a seminar to Vegas with three woman. The lies and coverups that went with this trip caused me to never believe what was said from him.

When someone does something to break your trust in them, they need to be honest on what happened and keep no secret about it.

If you cannot talk to a person about a trust issue without them taking offense to you than it is a sure bet that you will not trust them. Now when I say talk, I mean talk and not yell or act condensending.

Talk has to be unemotional between both parties.

March 11, 2006
2:22 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I have learned to trust my husband again after he rimmaged through my personal life for months reading my e mails and everything I wrote in there in fact now we are better than when we first got married. So I think that trust can be rebilt but it takes time

March 11, 2006
7:31 pm
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Bazil
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I think trust can be rebuilt, for sure. But both parties involved have to want it and the benefits that go with it. I think it has to undertaken with a lot of patience and consistency.

March 11, 2006
7:41 pm
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inalotofpain66
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My ex yelled at me this week that she will never trust me again, that she needs me to leave her alone to let her get on with her life now, and to go do my personal work on my own......then she threatened to file a restraining order if I called her again.

I should assume that this relationship is over for sure, no going back right?

I mean....we've broken up and gotten back together so many times......now she's overseas with this new guy she met. I guess it's probably pretty coda of me to keep holding on to the dream of us one day getting back together again right?

In the meantime, I think I am going to take 6 months off from relationships and sex. Has anyone ever tried that before?

I haven't been in contact since she threatened the restraining order, and don't plan on initiating contact again.......but part of me still wants the relationship in the future......wants to believe it could be possible........

is THIS coda behavior?

March 11, 2006
8:49 pm
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angkin
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Hi everyone, I am new to this and just needed someone to talk to that has been through what I am going through right now. I guess I need to start with the fact that my 3 childrens father was an addict and abuser, he degraded me, hit me, cheated,lied you name it he did it. I stayed with him 5 years before I finally got away, shortly after that I met the man I have been with for 10 years. He is really a wonderful man but, He also is an addict. He is not an abuser and he is kind and considerate but he is in fact an addict which means he lies. He and I broke up back in feb of 05' and finally got back together at x-mas. He has done nothing to make me believe he is using but I have a really hard time believing that he is going to stick around this time. I am so scared all the time that something is going to cause him to want to leave. He says he loves me and that he is here for the duration but I can't allow myself to totally let my gaurd down and just be happy.....HELP..some days I feel so sad and helpless. I know if I continue to be so clingy and question him all the time on how he feels about me and if he is going to stay around that it will cause him to want to leave and that scares me also and then I become more clingy which pushes him back...its a horrible vicious cycle..how do I end it? Does anyone have any suggestions?

March 11, 2006
9:25 pm
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alycia
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To angkin,

I can understand why u r so clingy, you have met abusive men who are addicts and cause u pain.

You did well to stay with an addict for ten years, I feel for your children as they really would have seen too much with their dad and this guy.

Its time to start focusing on you and less on this man/men you have let into your life.

Worry about ur kids and if they are happy rather than if this man is going to walk out on you. I think as women we worry too much about men and less about ourselves and the ppl around us suffer as we become so hooked on trying to please our man.

I was the same, i would look at my ex and wonder if he was happy sometimes, etc.. What about me though?

You have every right to question if he is using. I would talk to him for the last time about how he plans to stop if he hasn't, would he like to go to rehab etc etc so you can know for certain he has cause as i said after ten yrs u cant just quit.

I wish u well and please focus more on you, Men will say they will be there for the long haul, forever, i was told the same but at the end of the day if they are going to go, they will go.

Asking them over and over this question and acting similar will push them away. People say everything to please you, its their actions that speak and i dont put too much emphasis on words cause they mean jack at the end of the day, trust me, if he is going he will go.

Just live your life day to day and relax a little, you need to really relax cause what will be will be and i am sorry as i dont wanna sound harsh but that is how it is.

Good luck to you....

To inalot of pain. Your life sounds a bit like mine, back and fourth .. back and fourth. As much as it hurts u need to leave her alone.

Its like i have said why would u want her back as she has run off to another man? I would never take my daughters father back, he has done the same thing.

We grieve and they just run to another, i say f' them ... harsh but true and their day will come.

Your pain will go and one day you will realise she was not worth all this, same way i have realised it too.

We think we have one person but we dont, we have someone totally different who leaves us .. abandons us and runs off to another.

This type of person isnt worth my tears and shouldnt be worth urs and i hope the day comes soon where u value urself more and think i am never taking back this lady....

You are hurting right now so u would run back if she would have u, it is the pain and the loss that does not have u thinking right, once this dwindles ur thinking will be more clearer.

Regarding the trust, once it is broken that is it for me. Others are more leanient but i could not take someone back who cheated on me, i could forgive someone who lied for something to spare my feelings etc.

It depends for me on how much trust is broken basically........

March 11, 2006
10:40 pm
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penny lane
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Dear Anjkin...I am so sorry for your pain...I think I can safely say that a great majority of people on this support system have experienced the same if not similar experiences you have endured.

I once lived and loved an alcoholic...we were in business together as well as living together. Our livelyhoods depended on our working in tandem. As I watched his disease become more progressive and begin to take away from our business and income...fear set in...I experienced panic attacks..I attended Al Anon meetings to cope but I came away from those meetings with a big question" why should I suffer for his lack of self control and backbone". I gave him an ultimatium...me or the booze...of course he took the booze. I moved out and left...After 6 months he hit bottom...from that point on he has not taken another drink...it has been 3 years 6 months.

Had I not made a hard decision to leave..or and by the way...we have a nasty fight and he pushed me...that was it...I called the cops...had him arrested and I prosecuted him. I know that is tough but he thanks me whenever it comes up for being solid and strong.

You need to be strong...once you make a decision and stand by it...watch the magic begin...that magic may not end up being what you want in the beginning...but I promise you it will be what you need.

March 12, 2006
12:32 am
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inalotofpain66
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Thanx for ur support Alycia.....I appreciate it a lot. I guess she didn't so much cheat on me, as just f*** with my mind......telling me after bedding me that "I am SO in love with you" but saying at the same time "I can't trust you" and then going out with this other guy she'd met (we had been broken up for a month, then got together and hooked up for a night, then she continued her "dating" with him)....now she's off in S. America with him.....and I am devastated again......I just feel SO BEREFT.....I can't deal with all the pain!!!

OUUUCHHH!

March 12, 2006
8:38 am
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taj64
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I think once trust is broken that is is very difficult to repair. It does take weeks, months, years as suggested. Even when trust is gained it is never completely heal. Underneath the subconscience, lack of trust is lingering. I suppose if you stay with a person who has broken trust, then it get rebuilt but yet the loss of it is always there if you dig deep. And without trust you have an unsuccessful relationship. You just learn to accept it as is. In a way it is settling.

May 29, 2015
10:33 am
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christinekerbell
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I am a horrible person. There was one thing that my fiance wanted from me. NOT to lie to him. I broke his trust 5 years ago and rebuilt it. But I lied to him again. Part of my work is to conceal and deny information. And when he asked me about a meeting that I had, I lied to him. My fiance now wants to call off the wedding because he found out I lied to him. I admitted my mistake and I want to make up and rebuild the trust but he is now hesitant. And the only reason why he is thinking about it is because of my son. What should I do? Should I fight for our relationship or just let him go? 🙁 Help please!

March 7, 2016
7:23 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Christine,
I am replying to a rather old post, so it's doubtful that you will actually read this. I doubt you are a horrible person. I don't think any one person is totally good or totally bad. These days our definition of good and bad are so personal anyways. Different countries dole out punishments for crimes on different levels. I am going to assume that it's the lying within the relationship that has got you thinking you are horrible. Lying and concealing information is usually not helpful even when it would hurt the other person only because quite often the truth comes out anyways and then the person you have lied to feels even more betrayed. Also, you have to live with the lies and or the secrets you are keeping every time you are with the person that you care for and that can't be healthy for you as a human being in my opinion. I think in your case, it might be wise to separate your work instructions from your interpersonal and intimate relationship. You mentioned that your work involves the use of deception. Does that mean that you have to treat your partner in the same manner? You know the old adage, that work should be left at work. Other than that, I can't really comment because I do not know how much damage with respect to trust you have done in your relationship. Does your partner know about your work and the rules? Perhaps you can get some professional advice on how to separate your work guidelines from your personal relationship. Still, I don't think that makes you horrible, I think it just means you need to find a way to separate your work world and your personal world. Also, next time your partner asks about your workplace situations like meetings, could you not make it a rule to not discuss work related matters considering how much of your work is to conceal and or deny information?

March 28, 2016
10:46 am
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sketchie
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The reason why people lie is so they can control and manipulate things. Liars know they are wrong. If you are woman enough to lie to your fiance then, be woman enough to accept the consequences. The fiance wants to call of the wedding he is choosing to let you go Let him go, let everything go and work on your compulsive lying and need to lie and destroy a persons trust then fight when they call you out on you shit and want to get rid of you.

You can say anything about me, but I am who I am & that’s something you could never be.
My name is what hoes tend to mention, keep talking bitches, I love the attention. →

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