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Can trust be repaired, after she lyed to me?
October 14, 2001
11:37 pm
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dr
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I have been w/ my girlfriend for almost 1yr.which I really loved. I never had a girlfriend until I met her, because I'm very picky. She is 26 and I am 21. We had the biggest fight ever recently because I caught her lying, and I knew she was lying and I made her promise me that she wasn't lying and she did. That really hurt me and I couldn't beleive that she could do that to me. I was really surprised, and hurt. No one ever hurt me that bad. I am a pretty strong person, but this just completely broke me. I never yelled at her or used a bad word on her, but that night I exploded. I told her that she was stupid and called her a "b*tch" many times. Whenever she makes me angry, I'm the type of person to just leave for a couple of days and let the anger go away, w/out saying a bad word to her or disrespecting her, but that night was different. My seperated parents told me that people don't change and she will lye to u again. If that is true that I am definitly not going back to her, because I don't need a lyer no matter what amount of love I have for her. But I believe that I should forgive
her because I think she is truly sorry and she won't do it again. But I am not 100% sure. My girlfriend asked to talk to me a couple of times but that failed because I wasn't ready yet because I still had anger in me. I am so in love with this girl and she is the best friend I ever had. THe last time we talked I told her that I wanted to have sex w/ u b4 i talk to u. I wasn't sure if I really wanted that or I wanted to see if she really wants to appoligize to me. She lives far away from me and she came over to my city for the weekend to talk to me when I told her that. But she didn't even bother to see me, she just called!!!!!! I can't beleive that. SHe told me no, and she would never call me again. That really makes me angry so I told her ok,bye. Another thing that makes me angry, is that she doesn't understand that I am the victim. I need time away from her to let my anger go away. She said she felt really awful and she's sorry and she wants to talk and get this over with sooner than I plan.Its like she blames me for the pain she's taking in because of her own stupid action. She treats me like I did something bad, she doesn't treat me like the one who is hurt. I don't like that at all. I want to feel loved, and I want her to come to me and say sorry, like I did when I do something bad to her. I think she loves me too. Now I'm not 100% sure if she will lye to me again. I don't think she will. I am ready to forgive her but I also want to punish her. If u are older than 30 yrs old, and not single, and think u can help me out then reply otherwise please don't reply. I want advice from people w/ experience. I like to listen to parents, becaues they're old but then again they're seperated. I think if I call her I will be disprespecting myself. I can't seem to do anything but think about this. I also can't imagine believing her in the future when I ask her to promise me something. This incident will allways haunt me.

October 15, 2001
12:46 pm
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eve
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dr,

you will never ever in life get 100 % of anything. To me it seems like you need to have a lot of control in your relationship, otherwise you will get angry. Of course you were hurt by her, but I could imagine that she was also hurt. Relationships are not black or white, right and wrong usually are split and each partner has their share of *being right* and also part of *being wrong*. But whith enough love, some humor and a lot of talking about such conflicts, things can usually be worked out.

For your present situation I'd suggest to cool down, stay apart for the time being, and start to do some serious thinking about what you want from a relationship. And if you want it whith this special woman.

If you feel like you need to be 100 % in control all the time then I suggest that you back off. Because you will hurt yourself a lot by that attitude - and you partner, too.

Good luck to you!

October 15, 2001
12:48 pm
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Molly
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this incident is a good lesson, there is a big difference between sex, and love. there is also a big gap between your ages right now, that should make you go hmmmmmmm ?????
Trust is a precious circle, once broken is nearly impossible to repair, and takes commitment to work through. this is not a committed relationship, your only 21 and that makes me go why????
Your intial reaction of anger, seems like you put alot of energy behind it, and you should think if it was all at the one incident, or are there other things. To run and hide for days, is not the most mature way to process things, wanting sex before discussion, makes me wonder as well, but the concept of punishing her is definately something that you need to look at . This is just my opinion.
Perhaps the best for you right now is to take a break, look into codependency, look into what a healthy relationship really looks like and what it takes to maintain, do some work on you.

October 15, 2001
2:05 pm
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dr
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Molly, I don't know y I should go hmmmmm? b/c of our age gap. Please explain. I am only angry b/c of this one incident and I did put in a lot of time and energy for us. Also after what she told me, do u think I should call her or wait? I think she should know herself that she has to come see me b/c she's the one who inflicted the greatest wound, but she prefers to act like I'm the one and complains to me about her pain rather than say i'm sorry I broke our trust. Thats what I want.

October 15, 2001
2:23 pm
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malaikau
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I don't blame you for being extremely angry about the lying. It's hard to go forward in a relationship when someone you care for has done something that chips away at the foundation of trust in your relationship. I wonder if it would help you to look at things from her perspective? Lots of times people lie because they are intensely afraid, feel trapped, or insecure. Is there any possible reason for her lying that you might be able to empathize with? If there is, then perhaps you can find some forgiveness for her, and then the two of you can discuss how to handle things in the future so that she won't feel this is an option...

Malaika

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