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can things ever change????
July 19, 2005
12:34 pm
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MDK256
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hey everyone, my question is can things ever change between two people when one is chosing drugs over family? i feel helpless and lost right now and just need some advice. i know they always say you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but i love this person so much, and i'm scared that something is gonna happen to him, and don't want my baby to be without his father, but i don't know what to do anymore. help me please!!!!

July 19, 2005
12:59 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Well, dealing from personal experience the addiction is a LOT more important than anything logical or rational...

My mother refused to EVER admit she had a problem even after she hit a cop while drunk and went to jail for the weekend and I ended up in foster care for a week...

She got hold of the report a while later and read it making comments like "I did not have alcohol on my breath! That was the Apple Cider Vinegar I was using for my arthritis! RIGHT MARY!?!?!?!?"

All I could do was Cringe in the seat next to her and shake my head in agreement!

Then there were the 2 times she shot at me for supposedly dumping her bottle of gin down the drain again… The second time I didn’t even do it!

Then she showed the ultimate amount of callousness and killed herself! We are 99% sure she was just going to click the hammer of the gun so that someone would hear her and come running in but she was drunk and most likely didn’t take all the bullets out of the chambers and so I am not truly convinced that she 100% wanted to kill herself, she just wanted attention.

Drugs and Alcohol are ALWAYS going to be more important then reality.

And again, from personal experience, the damage being done to your child by this man is going to be FAR FAR FAR FAR FFFFAAAARRRR worse then the emotional and mental damage of GETTING HER THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW!

Addicts only play games… They make promises they know they can’t keep, they say and do things that will scar your child, and just seeing daddy barley able to walk or stinking of liquor is a TON more damaging then you can ever imagine if you haven’t had it done to you as a child!

You want what is best for your child right?

THEN GET HER THE HELL AWAY FROM THE FATHER UNTIL HE HAS BEEN SOBER FOR AT LEAST A YEAR!

If you don’t then you will end up with a damaged child that will end up a lot more screwed up then you can ever possibly know!

PLEASE Take my advice! You would be better off killing her right now then letting her die slowly inside by being exposed to an addict that loves the chemical more then his child!

I know this sounds harsh but I have found out that I have totally followed the path that almost all children-of-addicts go down… Anger, Depression, Codependency, bad relationships, lack of the ability to trust, flashbacks/PTSD… ALL are spelled out for you if you go to Alcanon or Narcanon…

And going to one of those is also the best thing you can do for yourself as well…They will teach you how to deal with the repercussions of living/dealing with an addict!

Don’t face this alone or through chat boards like this…Being face to face with people is 100X better for everyone in your family!

Good luck and sorry for being so harsh but it is how I see the world after being raised by an addict.

July 19, 2005
1:02 pm
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glittered when he walked
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MDK,

sorry for your troubles. Living w/ an addict is no picnic and it's that much harder for you given your pregnancy.

many people don't make addicts accountable for their behavior. Sometimes if we love them we make excuses, we cover, we protect and sadly in so doing we are enabling bad behavior.

What's hard to understand is that the appropriate thing to do is to make a firm boundary w/ consequences that is summarized as follows, "when you are clean, there is a warm and supportive place for you here. but if you are using there is no place for you here." We can't tolerate/condone drug use in addicts, if we do, we're not helping them at all, we're helping to hurt. go to some AA/NA meetings and ask. ask a conselor. ask someone in recovery.

hang in there.

July 19, 2005
1:10 pm
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kc30
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You can change your life definitely!! But you may have to let go of your man in order to get the life you deserve.

Whether it's what you want or not, the reality is that the man you love is an addict and is incapable of giving love, support, acceptance, and all the other things that a loving partner provides. His most important relationship is with his addiction, and you can't possibly compete with that. It's not a testament to how lovable you are...but rather how sick he is. And there's not a bloody thing you can do about it, which is the most frustrating feeling in the world.

You said:

"I know they always say you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but i love this person so much, and i'm scared that something is gonna happen to him, and don't want my baby to be without his father"

You have the "BUT" in the wrong place. Just turn this around and you will have your answer:

"i love this person so much, and i'm scared that something is gonna happen to him, and don't want my baby to be without his father BUT you can't help someone who won't help themselves"

This is the reality of your situation. Yes, you can love him and worry for him....BUT all the love and worry in the world won't help him. He's got to do this on his own. You need to decide what you want for yourself and your son. What is in your own best interest. Because honey, you just can't help him. All you can do is let go and get yourself onto high ground...he's going down hard and fast and he'll drag you and your child down too.

How do you feel about this?

kc

July 19, 2005
1:34 pm
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glittered when he walked
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I echo kc30's sentiments that only you can look out for you and your child and you can't control anyone other than yourself.

your focus should be "what's best for me and my child?"

If your thoughts wander to your addict, consider that if you do love him you won't enable his behavior. If he uses, cutting him loose completely is the correct action..especially if you love him. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.

July 20, 2005
2:29 am
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on my way
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I do not believe that circumstances change, but people do. And if people do, then the circumstances will change.

ALSO, try to keep in mind that you cannot change anyone but yourself. And you can encourage someone to get help, but you cannot make them. And if they refuse, and you or others are being hurt, then would it be best to remove yourself from the situation?

July 20, 2005
8:02 am
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SexySadie
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My father was an alcoholic. I was very young then so I don't have all that many memories...I just remember one day mom had enough, she'd been to support groups and decided that the best thing was for us to leave him. We lived in a motel for about 2 or 3 wks she said and one day he came by and said he had quit. He had. My father never touched vodka or any other alchol again for the next 10yrs before he passed away.

I guess I thought since my father had been able to quit, my BF would have too. I did get him to cut down from drinking every day to 2 days sometimes 3 a week but he never quit and now that he is not living at home he's drinking from mid afternoon everday until he passes out.

Some people can do it...my father thought it was important enough to my mom and I that he quit and he did. He didn't go to any meetings, rehab or anything. Stone cold sober!! He was a wonderful man in his later years.

July 20, 2005
9:14 am
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Rasputin
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I believe things always change. However, some people are positive- they make the necessary changes; others are simply negative, they do not want to change. Thus, they create their own misery.

So, as they say a journey of one thousand miles starts with ONE STEP.

An individual has to make an effort in all sorts of things to impart healing, improvement, progress... in whatever circumstances!

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