Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Can they stop?
June 17, 2008
2:49 am
Avatar
confused08
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been w/ a guy for 4 yrs and we recently broke up because he got physical with me for the second time. He is a great guy and I love him but can people ever stop being physically abusive? He swore to never do it after the first time. He's never been physical with his ex's and both times I have been drunk and have hit or pushed him first. There was a two year gap between the two times. Both times it's happened he's been VERY drunk (I know not an excuse) but he was so drunk he was crazy. He didn't even look like himself in his eyes. Scary I know. He claims to lose control but everything I've read about physical abuse says it's the opposite. Of course now he's miserable and claims that he wants help and is so ashamed of himself. But it reminds me of the first time. I want to be with him because he's amazing but I don't know what to do. Don't know who to talk to. HELP!

June 17, 2008
3:39 am
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The alcohol will not explain anything for you. Rather it will just complicate things to the point where there is no logic left in the situation.

Alcohol takes over the personality and replaces logic with chaos.

What role is alcohol playing in your life? You mention you were drunk when he hit you. Do you feel that alcohol may have made you vulnerable to a physical attack or even something far worse?

My suggestion for what it's worth is work out your relationship to alcohol before you attempt any romantic relationship.

Have a look at a Twelve Step Site on Google; especially step 4: the fearlessly honest inventory.

It can open doors to a whole new life.

June 17, 2008
8:17 am
Avatar
alicenwonderland
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds like he has an underlying problem. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and often allows us the freedom to do things that we wouldn't normally express. That doesn't mean that the tendency is not there which scares me a little for you. He may really need some professional help. An abusive drunk, is still abusive. I suggest you encourage him to talk to someone professionally. If he's getting physical, then he might have some things in his past that needs resolved as well as the alcohol issues.

June 17, 2008
9:32 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Confused,

"He is a great guy and I love him but can people ever stop being physically abusive?"

Perhaps this is a question you should be asking yourself? You say that he has never hit his ex's and the reason may be that they have never hit him. Why is abuse when he hits you and someone how ok that you hit him first? Sounds like self-defense to me. Perhaps the look in his eyes is more about disbelief that someone phisically abused him?

Maybe YOU need to get help and find out why you think it is ok to hit another person and yet are surprised when they defend themselves.

Cary

June 17, 2008
1:43 pm
Avatar
confused08
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your words... I will take anyhting.
Wizard, You are right about alcohol needing to be resolved first. It is a big thing in our relationship.
Alice, I told him that the only way we can be together is if he AND I get help from a third party.
Cary, I know hitting him is not right and I know I have anger issues. In both situations I pushed/hit him and then he went crazy. To the point where he sat on me and repeatedly hit my in the face. He is 6'3" and was to powerful for me to even move.

June 17, 2008
1:50 pm
Avatar
wanttobewhole
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Maybe you should ask yourself this: Could you ever be with him again, without fearing that he would hit you again?

I wouldn't be able to. And fearing your spouse isn't a healthy thing...

June 17, 2008
2:35 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Confused,

Sounds like you have answered your own question where he is concerned. I agree with, wanttobewhole, if you have to worry and wonder if you are going to say or do something to set his rage into motion; Why would you stay?

Is it really dosen't how hard, or how many times you hit someone; You just shouldn't hit them. At ALL.

I think the biggest question here is, Can You Stop?

Cary

June 17, 2008
2:50 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is a very toxic relationship on both sides it sounds. I think to hit a 6'3 drunk/sober or any man is unwise regardless of the situation. Sounds to me like you are the abuser in this situation because he has no history of abuse and in both cases, he hit you after you hit him. I guess my question to you is, were you thinking that you could hit him without him responding or defending himself?

Of course he can change if he so wishes but you have no control over that. I think the question you should be asking is, can you change? Can he trust that you will not hit him again? Wizard is right, the alcohol needs to be dealt with as well as all the underlying issues. In the mean time, I would suggest that you both get into therapy separately and deal with your anger management issues. It doesn't take much to fatally hurt each other.

All the best. Keep posting.

June 17, 2008
4:33 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Alcohol + Alcohol = Disaster

....you can't change anyone about anything. Maybe you should consider getting some outside help? See what the real basis of this relationship is....I think that it boils down to just common sense...you know there is a problem, or you wouldn't ask.....thing is, do you want to do the work...not on him....on you. Are you ready to listen?
I wish you the absolute best....it is so hard to start...please take care of yourself.

June 17, 2008
4:33 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Alcohol + Alcohol = Disaster

....you can't change anyone about anything. Maybe you should consider getting some outside help? See what the real basis of this relationship is....I think that it boils down to just common sense...you know there is a problem, or you wouldn't ask.....thing is, do you want to do the work...not on him....on you. Are you ready to listen?
I wish you the absolute best....it is so hard to start...please take care of yourself.

June 18, 2008
11:18 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Martyn,

I like you approach.

Cary

June 20, 2008
9:33 am
Avatar
CraigCo
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 39
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It’s true that some persons have a genetic predisposition to craving alcohol as a defense against emotional vulnerability or to becoming addicted to alcohol once it is used as such a defense. And once addicted, such persons can be subjected to changes in body chemistry that are beyond their conscious control. The ensueing results can be reoccurinh violence, blame and all manner of distorted thinking & more. It is truly a form of insanity.

Still, if alcoholism is a disease, it’s an unusual one. A person with brain cancer, for example, can’t just wake up one morning and say, “You know, I’m sick of this illness. Today I’m going to stop having cancer.” Yet an alcoholic has to do almost precisely that. He or she has to say, “Today I’m going to stop drinking. And if I can’t do it myself, I will get into a treatment program that will force me to stop drinking.” In other words, treatment for alcoholism is behavioral.
If you’re an alcoholic, your behavior has to change. You have to stop drinking. And, once you get clean and sober, in all likelihood you will have to continue to refrain from drinking thereafter.
It’s all a matter of personal choice, regardless of genetics or brain chemistry.

I think you know what must happen. You must decide to remove yourself from the situation that triggers the violence. (alcohol consupmtion) followed by a continued participation in a 12 step group & counselling if possible.
You will ne either be a part of the solution or a contributer to the ongoing problem.

All the best to you in your quest for peace.

June 23, 2008
12:57 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Confused,

I'm wondering how you know that he never hit any of his ex's? Do you know that from them....or because he told you?

If it is because he told you so, I would certainly proceed with caution.

First off...ALL abusers would have thier victims believe that the abuse ONLY happens with them, hence blaming the victim for the abuse. Textbook for abusers.

Secondly, alcohol does not CAUSE people to abuse unless the inclination to do so is already present.

I agree with those above that this seems to be a toxic relationship all the way around and what you really need to be focusing on is yourself and your own propensity for violence.

Take care and good luck,

Lolli

June 23, 2008
1:01 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A great book on the subject is.....

"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." By: Lundy Bancroft

Only you know whether or not your guy is an abusive man or if he was merely defending himself from your attack.

If after you honestly answer that question and find that he is in fact an abuser....I strongly suggest you read that book.

Lolli

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
37
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111001
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald, Welds
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information