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Can someone refer me to some therapy
December 24, 2002
12:36 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello,

6 years ago I lost my father to brain cancer. My father and I were very close, I've always considered him to be bigger than life itself. For 6 years I have battled severe emotional instability. I run away from people who love me out of fear that they too, will abandon me. I have repressed anger towards my mother. I consider suicide every single day, I always feel that my safest place would be with my father. Lately I feel that I'm on complete "mechancial mode" my love life is not existent, I'm bored with everything. I feel that I've been there done that, and feel hopeless. I dont feel I'll ever find love, at least not the kind that was given to me so unconditionally like my father gave me. I felt protected and loved. I go to social gatherings and I'll be fine, and then saddness sinks in. I feel alone again,even though I may be surrounded by many friends.

I cry alot, almost every day. Usually when I feel some form of "rejection" or my own "made up" rejection.

Can someone please help?

Thanks

December 24, 2002
2:05 pm
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cc,

I cant really help dear, only suggest maybe speaking to a grief counselor, yes, even after all this time.

I truly understand. My dad was my best friend, my first love, my hero, I lost him and my life has not been the same. I've adjusted. You have to force yourself to adjust. Your dad would want you to live and be happy.

These are rough times, the holidays. Try to stay busy, try to exercise and stay busy and stay around loved ones.
Eat well, stay away from too much alcohol...stay with us on here.

I have to actually go cook right now and clean, but I wanted you to know I understand, really do...you arent alone. It gets better, but you have to work at it....hugs to you...bless you ...

December 24, 2002
6:39 pm
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Writing helps a lot, as does talking to a counselor. I've recommended this to other people, but depending on where you work, your work might have something called an Employee Assistance Program, with an 800 number you can call and nice folks at the other end who can refer you to a counselor in your area. You can usually get a few visits free, see if it's what you need. And of course, we're always listening here. *smile*

December 24, 2002
7:35 pm
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Grief takes lots more time than we choose to give it.

Losing someone as dear to you as your did is life changing.

How would he want you to spend your life?

Have you taken some time to gather your best memories of him into a book- to share with your kids someday, to help you remember the best stuff and so forth.

And see if your local hospital has grief counsleling...

December 24, 2002
10:05 pm
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cc

I haven't lost a parent and have never been all that close to either one of them like you and Alena have been with your dads, but I sure can relate to some of the other things you feel. I don't think I have ever thought that some of my rejection feelings could just be "made up" rejection. Something for me to think about.

cc you have friends here that you can cry with laught with or just have a cup of coffee and take : )

December 25, 2002
4:48 pm
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cc.

I lost my aged and demented father 2 years ago under less than ideal circumstances beyond my control.

A couple of nights ago my father came to me in a dream as the demented old man that he was at the end. In my dream I was trying to comfort him as I tried to do at the end of his life.

Equally I was frustrated by his behavior. But in the dream I knew that he was dead and that he was somehow able to bridge the chasm and pay me a temporary visit.

However, in the dream I knew that the price of this 'temporary' visit was that he would have to experience dying again! So towards the end of the dream, I walked with him up to the back seat of a bus. There he stretched out and bid me to go away. I said, "I'll stay with you dad for a while." Therein he lost consciousness and began to die. However to my surprise, his body began to undergo a reversal in the physical ageing process until he had the body of a young boy of about four or five years of age. I turned to a stranger on the bus and said "What a beautiful child this is! He is the best little boy in the whole world." Then there was only a small pile of dust where the child lay. I had a warm loving feeling and drifted off to sleep.

Next morning I awoke early at first light. I lay there and pondered the vivid memory of my dream. I say the impermanence of life and the changing nature of my father's form in reverse. The reversal seemed to make the changes much more poignant. The phrase that I read previously that "there can be no death without life and no life without death" somehow took on new meaning. I saw the life of anyone as just a phase of all existence, just like that of a beautiful flower that we cannot stop wilting with age. Feeling sad about creation and the way it is done seem to make no sense anymore - what is, just is. I never suffered 'a loss' because what I got was a gift and like all gifts it was both limited and passing in nature. To now I feel more like looking at the benefits of the gift not the effects of some imaginary loss of something that never was permanently mine in the first place.

I also see the dream as a 'gift' from my father. I grieved mostly about never knowing my father - not so much about losing him, for I believe that I never had him as a father to start with. He was more of a panicing, fear driven, violent madman in his younger days. Yet somehow, despite my sisters' hatred of him, I feel something for him, especially for the lost 'little boy' that he was all of his life and that I saw in my dream.

Thanks dad, for what you gave me.

December 26, 2002
10:58 am
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Tez,
Thank you for sharing. Caused me to think about my own father.

December 26, 2002
11:04 am
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cc,
I hope you are feeling a little better today. Your loss must be difficult. Please look in your phone book under counseling or Psychiatrists for local listings in your area. Being suicidal is serious.
I think that alienating loved ones is not healthy right now. You need their love and support to help you grieve. I am so glad you found this site. Talking about our issues helps us to help ourselves. I care.

December 27, 2002
1:26 pm
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Thank you all for sharing your own experiences. In the last few days more has surfaced but I'm dealing with it the best way I can. I've signed up for a pilates class so that I can meditate..and if I cry in the middle of it so be it...I feel I have endless tears to shed.

I'm trying my hardest to keep my spirits up and I've been dreaming my father laughing with me, joking around with me. I feel he knows what I'm going through and urging me to go on. It's so hard though...and with all the other emotional garbage in my personal life it just feels so hopeless..yet somehow I find the strength to get up everyday and face it again. I will definelty look in my phone book. I realized that since my father passed all I've been running from is pain...the realization I feel is finally sinking in.

Thank you

December 27, 2002
1:48 pm
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Hi cc,
What is a pilates class?

December 27, 2002
2:28 pm
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MJ,
PILATES is a form of YOGA. A friend of mine takes YOGA already and she told me that once you are in meditation and are relaxed so many emotions swell up cause you are at peace...and in tune with your intuition...so I think that will be good for me, at least I'm hoping.

December 27, 2002
3:15 pm
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This board always gets me. When I want to just rogue my way through life and the threads...an entry like this one will get me. I can see that my roguishness is about defenses.

I am one who has suffered many huge losses over my lifetime and sometimes I even get to be proud of it. But the pushing people away and the fear of rejection and the anger and the neediness is the stuff I sooo wish I could shake once and for all!

I feel jealous of you, cc. You had the unconditional love of a parent in the first place! I wish I knew what that felt like. Most of my family are dead now...and I do miss that there is no chance now to ever make any difference with any of them. (And I worked so hard to do this for so long! I was the "understanding one" who could see past the demons...the empathic that loved them when they hated me...and not one of them ever tried to return this to me!) I can get lost in my own head...in a trance-like fantasy of what I could have had...and gave myself in dreams...but wasn't real. Sometimes I will jump into a cold bath, just to feel my skin...that it is real. Going for a run in the freezing cold...in shorts and a t-shirt. I have heard of people deliberately harming themselves for this same reason...for some reason, I have found ways to create the strong physical stimulus I need to feel alive without cutting, bleeding, etc. I can SCUBA dive to my physical maximum...and feel the edge of getting the bends...lay out in the saltly sea water and float for hours....

No one will love you like your father did. This is a fact. But you can live realizing that you are his legacy to the world...and that with that he will live on within you! You can pass on his traditions...in his memory!!

It sounds like he was a really wonderful and special man. I hope that someday you get hooked up with a man that is like him and you marry him! As it is, he has colored your relationship homing devices with his love...you are very likely to seek people out that are like him...!

My story is sad, but I am not that bad, really. I know that my grief is pretty much a life-time thing. But I DID get "adopted" once by an 86 year old woman when I was living in England. She was such a rascal. Her entire family were gone. She lost a 7 year old in 1933 to "the consumption." Her eldest son was mowed down by a Nazi sniper in 1940. Her husband died in 1961 of a cerebral aneurism. She was living alone in a "old people's flats" (those Brits don't hedge words) and I met her in a market square after she had had a black out. I helped her home and to see her nurse...and we became fast friends. We were close for three years. I celebrate her legacy...the one she left in me...every year on August 3rd (her BDay). She would be 106 now, if she were alive...!

I guess I did get the unconditional love of a surrogate parent...if only for three years. I am that lucky....

December 27, 2002
3:45 pm
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Scherza,
I know that those 3 years were wonderful years for you...even though it was only 3 I'm sure they will be with you a lifetime. Cherish them and anytime you feel down think of those times.

Yes, my father was special...I've always told people that he was one of my soulmates. I could look at him from across the room and we could read eachother's thoughts he knew me better than I knew myself..but what I remember mostly was how kind and gentle he was yet strong..the toughest thing for me now is filling that emptiness inside. I too seek out something to make me feel alive...I usually go on rollercoasters just to FEEL!...anything a rush a laugh, anything..or I go speedwalking the whole time crying my eyes out...I dance around in my apartment...laughing and crying, praying that somehow the day is different. Yes, I was very lucky...but yet sometimes I feel selfish, like if I dont have that again I can't go on...but I get rejected all over the place...and all I want to do is run to my dad, he was my safety, he protected me.

I do find men like him. But none are good enough..at least in my eyes..so I push them away and run...my friends say that I need to take off the running shoes and allow someone in...but I'm so afraid. I lived a wild youth..and I would always tell people "I leave them before they leave me" I know I have alot of work to do for myself...but sometimes I feel like it's so far away...but I am trying.

Thank you for sharing.

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