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Can self-esteem be recovered from past abuse? Beginning Anew (Quest For Healing)
November 5, 2001
2:21 pm
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Ladeska
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All I can add is - get out of the south. I grew up in all that - had a father who did the suicide dance, shot at me, beat us, blah, blah, blah. Police knew about it all...but you know how it is down there in good ole boy land - you're about as valuable to them as sheep are and for the same reasons.

Don't hold your breath regarding anyone coming to your aid down there. I've seen women sit and spin with all this crap for years and years, fighting the system, growing old and gray and bitter. So, my advice to you is - move. Stop fighting it and move away as soon as you possibly can.

True, it's not a cake walk anywhere else and these traits are other places. But....in the south - there's a particular kind of deep-seated nasty for allowing this kind of abuse and craziness. Almost like - women just deserve it because - men got a right to do it.

So,you can stay and fight it if you want to - but I'd blow the place. I did a long, long time ago and just about hurl everytime I have drive through the south and hang out for any length of time because now....I really see the attitudes - whereas when I lived there - I was numb to it, was all I knew.

There is life - where this isn't the norm.... Go find it and do what it takes to get there. If you put your will to the wheel - you'll find a way.
Believe me - I lived all this you just mentioned and lived in Tenn., so I know exactly what you are talking about here. Stop waiting on the mentality of these people to be in your court. That won't be happening. Do what you have to do in order to go start over somewhere.

November 5, 2001
8:22 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi everyone,

Sorry it's been so long writing. Our phone got shut off, and we now use the computers at the library for now.

There is alot of pain here. We appreciate all the input here. I also lived in Alabama where my abuse happened, and it is true about it just being another day in the neighborhood down there. My father as well as my step father abused me up until 10 months ago when I moved here, to Florida, with Cyndi. He is also in leadership in the church. My mother is also a Sunday School teacher who is in denial. In Alabama the abused always say...It's getting better, or He's not that bad; compared to what!!! My new counselor here said to me, that if I ever moved back to Alabama you mine as well sign me in a ward. That's how bad the ethics and morals are there. She had gone to college some there.

Sorry. Didn't mean to talk about myself. I just want you to know I understood.

I hope that you can find a good therapist for you and your children when you move, Laura. Some great counselors can really alleviate the effects of the trauma you all have just recently endured.

Ladeska and Blondie

I didn't know you had been through al of that. Thank you for all of you r help in this room, especially while we were away temporarily with complications.

Pam,

Your plan to move is very smart. You know what you're doimg, I'm sure of it. You have beem through this plent of times befor, it seems like, that you have a well thought out plan; and if not a full one, can play it by ear from there. And you are very special as Scherza mentions earlier. She knows first hand at what we all have or still are going through. Please feel free to continue to write here.

Scherza,
I am so sorry to hear about your sister; my deepest condolences. You would make an incredible lawyer/counselor. Thank you for your encouraging words here. These women need all the encouragement they can get. It's nice to know that we all have people who understand.Please keep writing if you need to; anytime. I would love to hear from you.

Dee

November 6, 2001
5:39 am
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arkansasamazon
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thank you all for the feedback,blondie i am in tool texas(henderson co)i am so mad today he calls everyday,he got the phone # from the bill,hes guessing im in dallas,before i left i called legal aide services for advice and they told me about oofp and i got it but i have to go back to arkansas on the 15th to court to make it permanent,legal aide is so stupid they sent a letter to the house in arkansas (where he is)saying they were so happy to help me and they thought my plan to hide in tx with my brother was a good one.(stupid people)knowing i was affraid for myself n children they send a letter telling him where we went.boy did i leave them a nasty voice mail!!!laura

November 6, 2001
11:09 am
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Ladeska
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Now there's a perfect illustration of what I call "southern hospitality" when it comes to women needing help. Ah yes.....don't have to look very far for a story like this one. Coulda been a really honest mistake, true, true.... But, when you see the same mistakes keep happening over and over and over again...one does start to wonder - So, should women just shut up and take their beatings and be good liitle victims or what?

I was mugged one time in a shopping plaza, in the middle of the day - at lunch time. People were eveyrwhere, no one tried to stop this jerk. He didn't accomplish his mission though. He chased me, tried to get in the car with me and I almost ran over him. (smile) I gave a great description to the police and waited for them to apprehend the jerk.

Well, the next day, in the paper was my full name, along with my address - stating what happened. How ya like them apples? Why didn't they just send him a freaking invitation to come finish the job? I called the paper and went OFF on them and they said - Hey, lady - all this information is public record, reporters can get it and he was new and that was wrong, but it happens.

I was deeply touched by their concern for my wellbeing.

November 6, 2001
9:23 pm
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scherza
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Ladeska! Your mugging experience was positively horrible! Depending on how long ago that was, you may be able to sue the sh*t out of them...just get a good (bull dog) lawyer. Even if it was a long time ago, especially if you suffered from the actions of the publication, you may STILL be able to sue.

As for the South...I have lived on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Line...the division between the North and the South...as the rug-rat of a hippie in the real 1960's and I can attest that the North can be just as bad.... Our society has some fundamental msyogynistic tendencies that need to be rooted out by women like us that speak out. If you don't the time, donate money to support women that DO speak out and have the time. Until there is a better way to change the world, this one will have to suffice for now....

The NOW website: http://63.111.42.146/home/

**********
Dee! Thanks for the wonderful words! Gosh...you seriously touched me with your kindness. A counselor/lawyer, huh? Actually, I have heard those words echoed throughout my life...but not from a total stranger. I have heard from patient families and colleagues that I would make an excellent psychotherapist...but I am chicken sh*t.... I have also represented myself successfully in court in the past...I even wrote and delivered my own amicable divorce ten years ago...and my ex took me to dinner afterwards...and we are still friends...! The judge even ordered me to go to law school...which has been ten years...and, depending on the statute of limitations, I may be in contempt...ehehehe. Doing psychotherapy is even scarier....someone is trusting me with their life...MORE than just the hemodynamics that I do on the trauma unit.... With trauma "therapy," I don't have long term relationships with these people...I only see them for a short time and then I refer them to skilled "community resources." I guess I also have the assumption that I have to have ALL of my issues resolved before being "good enough" to do these professions...less so with the law degree. I know lots of (fun) crazy lawyers and I figure if they can do it so can I....:)

Dee, what is your profession? I am just curious.

Hugs to everyone...scherzzzzz

November 7, 2001
3:10 pm
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Ladeska
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Scherza...was a long time ago and I've let it go, didn't suffer any damage from it. Was just horribly stupid on their part!!!

And yes, I know it's bad other places. I do. I guess, with me, having lived other places as well, the hurt I received there was particularly horrible and just haven't seen it as deep-seated as it is there. But, that is based on my experiences and I understand that. Isn't everyone experiences. And there are some wonderfully kind and beautiful people in the South! And some do not go with the flow - at all. They will go to the wall for you and fight whatever just because it's the right thing to do, so I do need to say that as well. Not only that but - they cook damned good, too! (smile)

Yeah, we just need to really treat each other better all the way around.... Right now I'm pretty pissed off at what's happened to the money for the New York victims! GRRR!!!! What's up with this? GIVE THEM THE DANG MONEY!!!! There are orphans now who need college education and families that their other contributor or their sole bread-winner is dead now and they need to be able to survive! I heard the Red Cross had been stockpiling it for another disaster! EXCUSE ME!!!! sorry....I'm just angry about this right now. Fine example we are...

November 7, 2001
6:05 pm
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pam g fu
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I believe honestly that people don't think before they act or think about what the ramifications will be. They at the time feel that they are doing the right thing. My heart really goes out for the families, and what I don't understand is that we are making food drop and things to New War Refugees and we don't even take care of our own here in the united states. That is what really irritates me big time. But then that is another subject. Our society has forgotten the bare necessities of life itself and have gotten all involved in things they can do nothing about. Caring people like us should run the country and see how things are. Remember we are all special and who we are is what makes us that way.

November 7, 2001
6:19 pm
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Ladeska
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I'm convinced that the next time we have something happen that needs people to pitch in that the real American people and not the freaking institutions....will say Hey - be glad to give you money for these people and their needs - give me their addresses and I'll mail it myself thank you very much, don't need a middle man because - we learn from our mistakes, don't we?

Just really irritates me. The interest alone on the money that's been collected is astronomical and where is that going???? It's appaulling and I as an American citizen want answers, along with alot of other people. Who has the money, what the hell are they waiting on and who gets the interest? AND who is going to pay through the nose - for sitting on it and I don't mean a slap on the hand either.

God, I would be such a nasty queen...geez.....

November 8, 2001
1:12 pm
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pam g fu
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BlondieNYC

we too here where i live have homeless people downtown and you walk by them sleeping on the sidewalks and it is very sad and there are places they can go but some of them don't want to live by the rules. yes we tend to forget our own when the heat is on like it is right now. The elderly are very much neglected here also

November 8, 2001
4:19 pm
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Ladeska
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It all boils down to - politics. We've learned what "sounds" nice, so we spout it. Our politicians do it and we elect the little rats. We like to be lied to, that's about the size of it. If we didn't - we'd have been making alot more noise on Capitol Hill - a long time ago.

We get so consumed with our own lives that we don't see things through. What rules us and "who the American people really are" are two different things. That's been evidenced by the Red Cross thing. So, WHERE'S THE MONEY???? The people gave from their hearts to these people and the stuffed it WHERE? And WHY? We all need to shake this tree until it gives something up to the American people on it. The Attorney General of New York has checked into it and is still checking it out I guess, but we need stay after them. We want to know - what happened? Anyone can do their math here and figure that the interest alone is way up there - every day. Do I trust them? Why should I? They haven't proven themselves worthy of trust thus far. And every day we don't get a damned good and accurate accounting of that money - the hope for trust goes right out the window. I, for one, will be writing letters and making phone calls until I do find out. Enough of this bullshit already. GRRR. And the Hollywood crowd can get off their royal duffs, too and explain why they can pony up with them and not be disturbed about this as well. They are apart of it just as much as anyone. They sang the songs and got America to shell it out. Someone is flat out lying here.

November 8, 2001
4:27 pm
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Ladeska
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http://www.msnbc.com/news/6536.....7.asp#BODY

I rest my case....

So...the people that gave this money just did it in a state of emotion and sympathy and "didn't really know" how they wanted it spent, huh?

Bastards.

November 9, 2001
11:57 am
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pam g fu
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BlondieNYC

I agree women should take a firmer hold of things when it comes to politics we are way to quiet and then we all suffer because of it. I work in the legal department and have been a legal secretary for 29 years, i have seen it all, i have worked in the criminal aspect to the family law aspect and you would be amazed the things that go on and what and who gets away with what. As long as our political system stays the same nothing will change we the people need to make this change.

November 10, 2001
3:30 pm
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jadadavinci
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All of you are right about women speaking out more. My roomate and I were just talking today about her suing HRS in NJ for allowing a foster family to foster her even after the father had already done time for molesting boys. The social worker knew it, and had even told her at the time. She was eight at the time. They didn't think he would molest girls. Where do these people get their thinking? Two years into the move into the foster family's home, she was raped on a continuous basis. Her foster mother belittled her and always told her how ugly and stupid she was and how she would never amount to anything. She's almost gone through college just to prove that theory wrong in her own head. It's sad at how even years afeter the abuse and being away from the abusers that we still carry around that same critical voice.

Needless to say, to this day she's still fighting her abuse and those critical voices echoing in her head. Doctors and meds. are still not quite enough yet to calm her raging heart.

All this to say that I am so for all of you when you say that we need more women speaking out. In Alabama, I will never forget what I read in the paper there once that so excited me. It was a women running for judge. She stated that if she were elected that the first sexual offense from anyone to another would bring about death or castration; no questions asked. Now there's a woman out to set things straight in this world. First time sex ofenders are usually only first time by notification by someone. Almost always they have done it way too many times before. Taking care of it right away stops it ahead of time from ever happening again.

And I just had one question. Why is it that drug offenders and and people who are caught for theft get anywhere from 85 years to death for their sentencing, where sex offenders and murderers usually only get anywhere from 3 months to 3 years and then probation? And then tey are eligible for perole or get out earlier for good behavior; GOOD BEHAVIOR; in what!!!! I've never understood that. The theory on drugs was that they were killing thousand by selling drugs But that is indirectly and is the others choice to buy which is indirect. But rape and murder was noone's choice but the offenders. How is that? Is there anyway to prove good behavior after that. They are trying to find some genetic link to crime I saw on the discovery channel lately.

Sorry I've written so much,

Scherza,

Hi. I actually have no ocupation at the time being. I'm studying to be a Ph.D at the moment. I want to help others. You have a wonderful combination of humor and seriousness. You have a direct mind. I love that. I need more of that in my mind's agenda. I'm so happy we've all found a place to vent our frustrations, whether about our abusers or the way the world has let devastation take over.

Oh yeah, and it's with that feeling like you're not quite good enough that gives you the leverage to be the that one great counselor that everyone is willing to listen to. It's that same feeling you described ( that one where you felt you weren't good enough or that your problems weren't all solved yet), that will be the same reason why you would make an excellent psychiatrist or Psychologist because it is the very feeling that lacks pride ( in the negative sense of the word ). People love modest,humble others. The feel they can open up more to those with empathy; those who are on the same level. I say all this to reassure you that you have all the potential inside you to be the very best of best doctors. Please just never throw that one away. You have everything you need right inside you. It just takes bringing it out. But I'm sure you know that.

Ladeska,

I admire your distincyiveness, your intuitiveness, your stick-to-itiveness. I am trying to let that grow inside of me lately and it feels so good. Please keep writing. You inspire me and make me feel better about my anger about what has been done to me. You also have a great way of expressing it. We all are unique in our ways. You have a funny side to some of it that makes it all harmonized. Thank you.

Pam' I hope you are doing well. How are things with you? Our phone should be back on soon. But we will still be checking these threads as much as possible.

Thanks everyone, and God bless.

Dee

November 10, 2001
3:32 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi Blondi,

I wonder if you know, being that you work in the legal system why they work that way about sentencing on sex offenders? Just wondered if you ever caught wind on that. Just curious.

Thanks,
Dee

November 10, 2001
3:36 pm
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jadadavinci
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Cyndi and I would like to report that we are working on a new website and would like all of you to be a part of it when it is done. You all have helped us here tremendously. Listening to you all vent, makes me feel like I jut have; which gives us such a feeling of relief. We thank all of you for helping us be able to help others as well as yourselves. We really appreciate it. We look forward to the future.

Thanks again,

Dee and Cyndi 🙂

November 10, 2001
4:19 pm
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jadadavinci
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Sorry Blondi. I guess I meant to direct that question to Pam. I saw yur name and read it as you had worked in the system. Sorry.

November 10, 2001
4:23 pm
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jadadavinci
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In our pursuit of justice, we will prevail. We will all be softened by grace and then nestled in peace.

Dee and Cyn

November 12, 2001
1:01 pm
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pam g fu
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Cyn & Dee

Having a tough time of it. Just one crisis after another. But there are some wonderful people who care about people on this site. God love good people

November 12, 2001
2:00 pm
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Ladeska
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Blondie...nope, not surprised. I think one thing with age comes - realism. We learn to part with what we wish was - to accept the brutal truth of what is and how evil mankind really is. Thus making it even more difficult to fathom why we aren't a greasy spot yet as far as God is concerned.

If I were Queen...things would be rather cut and dry. Everyone gets the same level representation. Money buys squat. If you rape someone - the boys that are in for life - get to have fun with you for X amount of days and then you get your whacker cut off.

If it's pretty obvious, via evidence, eye witnesses that you killed someone - your execution will be conducted likewise. If you tortured them - so will you be. If you killed more than one - you'd wish you'd died a few times before we let you go.

If you get caught stealing, off comes your hand. And if you live a life of being a good con artist, who's ripped off many people and left them high and dry and the law finally catches up to you - you get shot before a firing squad.

So on and so forth. Yes, there would be cases that were unfair or whatever, but I think people would think twice before they stepped across the line. Why we should pay for these terrorists, for example, to have one day in jail is beyond me. WE should pay for them to have the priviledge of breathing another breath??? Why? Why should we foot their bill for anything concerning their miserable little lives?

And that goes for the imprisonment of some other criminals as well. Why aren't they put to work every day of their sorry lives earning money that goes to their victims compensation. If they are going to live - they should be earning money for them...

I know a woman who went to collect rent from a man that was in one of her apartments. Rent was past due a few months and she had to physically go to the door. He pulled her in at gunpoint, shot her and then at gunpoint made her walk to the car. She knew if she got in - she would be dead for sure, so she fought him. He shot her again and then drug her back to his apt. all the time saying, Oh My God, look what someone has done to you, I'll take you in here and call the police. He took her upstairs and raped her, then shot her again. Now the police were there. He stuffed her under the bed, but she crawled out and was making her way down the stairs when he came back up from being outside trying to help the police find out where all the commotion was coming from...just being a helpful citizen ya know.. And he shot her again. Idiot. Didn't he know - then they'd come get him? At any rate, she lived. Has many bullet holes in her and one through her face which majorly disfigured her. She has to wear a patch over one eye all the time because even the air bothers it. She's disabled but cannot live on that money so she does commodities every day and tries to earn a little bit more. He, on the other hand, is out of jail now, only spent 4 years in for that. Has a wife that he married while in prison and is foot loose and fancy free. I'm glad I don't know his name or where he lives... Piece of shit. And that goes for the system that put him back on the street and allows her to live in this fashion. PISSES ME OFF ROYALLY!

November 12, 2001
6:38 pm
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Ladeska
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Amazing.... the system definitely protects the criminals, no doubt about it. And I think that is really a significant thing to look at. What we are really protecting is a sickness in us and it's right to be there and do what it wants, when it wants and how it wants with no consequences to speak of. The same who sit in robes - are often - criminals themselves, just not labeled as such by society. Many are wife beaters, pedophiles, con artists themselves and who better than them - who know the law and yet are above it because they know how to side step it, bend it and how to make phone calls to certain people.

When I say "we" - I mean mankind, human nature..... We have a very highly evolved way of hiding and mis-directing those who would see - if they could see - through all the facade and disguise. But, we don't want to really, really look at what's what in this regard because it's too scary and we put our heads in the sand and don't do anything - when we could - do plenty. We just ignore it - thus giving these monsters - more power.

So, I appreciate what you do, Blondie. Wish we had more people that would put their action - where their mouth is. Evil people succeed because good people - do nothing.

November 13, 2001
12:27 am
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Dee, You sound pretty occupied to me! Working on a PhD is no small task. I am in grad school, myself.... Grunt work city!

I figure I can teach trauma nursing...some day when I get old...in a couple of years...as I head for 50....which is only a little more than a coupla years....

I think that after 50, I might give the advanced education institutions a break from my presence...only MAYBE! I personally know a man in his 70's with three doctorates....maybe I will be like him. 🙂 He was the world's oldest space walker...until John Glenn did his little trip. We studied chaos theory and human consciousness together...when he was working on his MA in English Lit...one of his MANY master's degrees. I am on my 5th degree....far behind him.... I just like learning and studying. Maybe I was just born to be an education consumer....

I will think about the counselor idea. I still think that I am too broken for that one. I do well to just keep the pieces together...for another day.

I once befriended a holocaust survivor...a decade ago...we had so much in common...like NOT talking about our traumas and dissociating when we tried...and having MANY creative coping mechanisms when real life tried to invade...and feeling totally BROKEN when they succeeded...and having to scrape up the pieces alone...when that happened. She is a successful lecturer and writer today! I am scraping along...maybe someday I'll flower....:) When I am Old....! ha!

Hugs to you....Scherza

November 13, 2001
3:04 pm
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Blondie,

Thanks for all the information. I appreciate it. I apologize, once again, for getting back to you so late. My phone should be working again in a few days.

I don't think you sounded cold or harsh at all. My friend's friends also told her that she should be over her abuse. We feel, just like you, that something more should be done. And until we feel satisfied with the system on that, we are working hard to help others in need.

I think anger is a great motivator. You, Pam, Scherza, and Ladeska have just what it takes to run this country. It would be nice to see a woman president or governor. I really do think we are very close at witnessing that in our time. Keep your umph up. It's nice to see it; especially here, where we need it.

God bless you,
Dee

November 13, 2001
3:08 pm
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Scherza,

Hi. I also like learning and studying. That makes for a good combination with your will to spark strength in today's women. I love to come to this room, because I know that there is not only support, and love, but angry hearts of old trying to make a difference for the better here.

I hope I didn't sound like I was telling you that you should go for being a counselor, but I just really do believe you have it in you. Just didn't want you to rule it out.

You would make a great lawyer like you said. You would be good in law.

God bless,
Dee

November 13, 2001
3:13 pm
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Pam,

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with more than you should have to. Please know that we are keeping you in our prayers. Please feel free to talk about anything you need. Ask us anything. You may even email personally if you'd like to one or both of our [email protected]-Dee or [email protected]-Cyndi

We hope that all here can help you. Thanks for your earlier response. It's nice to know that you know we care. Take good care of yourself. Remember that Serenity Prayer. Hope you still use it. God loves you.

God bless,
Dee 🙂

November 13, 2001
3:16 pm
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Ladeska,

Thanks for posting here. You are a huge influence on this room. You seem to have a storage of wisdom and knowledge.Wet thank you abundantly,as does God. Look forward to your postings.

God bless,
Dee ( Sorry. Would write more, but have to run for now ).

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