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Can self-esteem be recovered from past abuse? Beginning Anew (Quest For Healing)
October 28, 2001
11:31 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi. My friend and I have decided to find others who's self-esteem has been shattered. This board was encouraged by two dear people we met while looking for counseling. We also encourage anyone hear who needs help in these areas to contact some help, toll free at 1-888-777-8811. This is a 24 hour phone line open to anyone and everyone who is in need of help. If you feel you are crying out for help. You may feel free to post your feelings concerning this idea. You may also want to contact the number above for information about the newest concept in support groups.

This discussion thread deals with all of these issues:
1.Boundaries
2.Abuse
3.Self-esteem Issues
4.Assertiveness
5.Can't Say No Syndrome ( New Group Coming Soon )
6.Loneliness
7.Depression
8.Panic and Anxiety
9.Flashbacks
10.Trauma
11.Nightmares
12.Fears of all kinds

We would like your input on these ideas so that we may gather more information to help each other in support of this group. Your thoughfulness is greatly appreciated. We are looking forward to hearing from all of you.

You may be crying out for help with a story that is trying to be told and that is dying to be heard. Let this be your place of safety so that you may find the peace to heal. This is a new place of understanding. Let compassion open arms to you. We are hear to listen and help. Let's help each other. God bless all of you.

Dee & Cyn šŸ™‚

October 29, 2001
9:41 am
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pam g fu
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Dee & Cyn:

I too am in an abusive relationship and am working towards a solution to my problem. I thought that I was alone in this regard and not until I started with this thread that I found I was not alone. I am building up myself which has been dwindled to nothing. I am getting stronger and stronger every day and it is people like ya'll that help make this possible.

God bless and thank you.

October 29, 2001
11:34 am
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jadadavinci
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Hi Blondie and Pam. It is very nice to meet the both of you. Thank you a million times over for contributing to this thread.

What the two of you have been through and are still going through is a very hard deal. As we started this board last night I just new there were others out there just like us that needed to talk. We tried to put as much into the topic as we could, so that we could find those in need of help. It is very hard trying to cope alone.

Blondie,

I can tell just by the 3rd and 4th sentence in your response how much pain and suffering you have endured. I can also gather that you have grown tremendously in all of it and continue to do so. You made a wonderful decision to share your story with us. I know that it is just the beginning here, but it's the beginning to a beautiful new life for all of us. Thanks for responding. And I hope you do give that 800 number a try.

Gob Bless, Dee

Pam,

Hi Pam.

I hope that you have someone close to you that is supportive of your decision to change the situation you are in. If not, you have found two people who understand and want to help. I am so glad that you found this thread. What you are in right now is not your fault. Please, I want you to know that right off. You have two friends here now who want to help you. I'm sure Blondie is just as concerned. We are all here for you now. Please feel free to share anything that is on your heart. And please also remember, with that prior statement in mind, that this goes nowhere else but here, and that we will also be sharing our stories with you. Feel free to ask any questions you'd like. We are really concerned for the both of you and everyone else out there going through this.

We hope the both of you feel safe enough here to express your feelings. We will keep the both of you in prayer. If you have any extra prayer requests, feel free to mention them as well. Hope to hear from the both of you soon. We will keep a check on this thread often.

Thanks again, and God bless the two of you.

Dee and Cyn

October 29, 2001
1:24 pm
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pam g fu
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Dee and Cyn:

I have a daughter and she is supportive of me leaving my relationship because of all that I have lost and continue to lose because i am in this relationship. I do have a wonderful job and very caring people. Knowing what to do and having the strength to pull away is another thing. My problem is that he has a problem with drugs and alcohol and the serenity prayer helps me with me and I know I can't help him with him. I need to fix myself and see the beautiful person again that I know I am. He feels that because I will be 50 in December that no one else will want me, and I for some reason do not want to spend my later years by myself. I know I need to get out of this situation, but it takes me so long to get to that point. I was married before for 16 years and it took me 6 years to finally divorce him.

Thank you for listening.

October 29, 2001
5:00 pm
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jadadavinci
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Pam,

May I say that I admire your courage. Believe it or not, you are extroidinarily stronger than most. Just look at what you know you must face everyday until that one day comes that you will triumph. That day is coming soon. I know right now it seems like forever if not never, but we will all help you gain yourself again. You have invested all of yourself into something that has let you down, but that will all turn around to profit you in the end. You have so much instilled within you that is fighting to gain back the ground it has lost. You WILL find it again. God is good. And I am so glad that you have faith. It is that same faith that will pull you and your daughter through this.

Somehow I knew you were out there last night; like God had laid you on my heart. I now know that that saying means. I hope that we can help each other. My mother is in your same circumstance. I am the daughter who is encouraging her to make a stand for herself. I know she has it in her, and so I keep planting the seeds, and I then let God come along and water them. This is a deep seated problem that can be uprooted with love, care, and compassion; all of which God provides. I knew instantly that it was you that God was set out to save by your first response. If you can please hold on to these words, your daughter's support, and your faith, God will see you through.If we are the vehicles God wants to use for your family's sake, I have never been more willing.

Here's a verse that relaxes me and reconditions my thought processes... Be still and know that I am God. He is here, and He is listening. Itmay be through an article in a magazine, words from your own daughter or husbands nouth, or a still small voice in your head, but God is trying to communicate with us. You will know when it is Him. There will be a peace that comes with it. Please take care of yourself, and allow prayer to be your warrior for now. It will shield and guide you.

God Bless,
Dee and Cyn šŸ™‚

October 30, 2001
8:32 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hope everyone is doing well. Just wanted to check in and leave something that inspired and helped me in my deepest time in pain.

I walked a mile with pleasure
She chatted all the way
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say

I walked a mile with sorrow
Not a word said she
But oh the things I learned from sorrow
When sorrow walked with me

Dee & Cyn

October 30, 2001
10:29 pm
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damaged
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jada
Thank you for your thread? I have never been through domestic violence. But I have been through date rape are what ever they call it now days. I always just called it I was drunk!!! I do have flash backs about this and I think for the first time in my life I am kind of starting to deal with this. I don't know what I am dong to deal with it. I guess even thinking about it and talking about it here is a start. Thanks for sharing the words of insperation.

October 31, 2001
12:39 am
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jadadavinci
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Damaged:

Thanks for sharing here tonight. Feel free to share anything that you want. We will be checking for responses as much as we can.

Yes what you endured was date rape even though you may have been drunk, he still had no right to take advantage of you knowing that you could not think clearly.

I hope you can find comfort here and to speak freely. Yes if you talk about your pain it will ease the pain somewhat plus it may also help others who may be reading. Its kind of like when your teacher said, "There's no such thing as a stupid question." For instance you never know what you write might help another person plus it will help you heal.

Again thank you for your input. Hope to hear from you soon.

Dee and Cyn

October 31, 2001
12:50 pm
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pam g fu
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jada

well the day is getting closer it is a horrible thing when your husband believes someone in your apartment complex that comes to the door and says that he saw me yesterday morning in a yellow corvette with another man and then confronts me with it when i get home. I told him that if he believes someone over his wife he has no trust, no trust no relationship. I also told him if i did have someone else i wouldn't put up with your crap. well he finally said i guess you wouldn't be on that freeway when you are suppose to be at work, he apologized but it is a matter of time if he takes this job in kentucky it will give me the time to do what i need to do without any trouble he has a very bad temper and last night said if you don't be quiet i will punch you in the face. god is with me and i pray he keeps giving me the strength to get through this without as much pain as possible. he also said that you hear about these domestic disputes on the news and how the husband kills the wife, that is a sick person to talk like that.

thanks again for the thread.

god bless

October 31, 2001
1:46 pm
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Ladeska
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Pam.....what in the world are you doing still being in that house???? Serious as a heart attack here, cut bait and bail! Sweetheart....no way in hell should you be there right now. I'd go find a domestic violence shelter and be out like yesterday. This kind of person isn't anyone to dance with. I don't care what the ramifications are financially or otherwise. People survive bankruptcy. As long as you have "you" and the energy to walk - walk.

Sometimes, God means for you to walk and not use the strength He gives you to sit around and take this.... We oftentimes wait for all our ducks to be in a row, for small things to line up and completely miss the bigger picture - all because we are used to abuse and figure we can stand it just a few more days or a few more months.

Snakes bite their victims and paralyze them before they - kill them. Don't be this kind of victim. You need to get a restraining order like yesterday and get away from him - NOW!

October 31, 2001
2:42 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi Pam.

I posted, or tried to post a response, but with no luck. I will try to post it again. If this one works. I will try to post it again.

Dee

October 31, 2001
2:56 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi Pam,

I am so sorry that you have so much on your plate. Can you talk some of the reasons why you think yu stay longer than yoh'd like? Please think about that before you answer. My mom's husband is just as bad. He actually pulled guns on us, and then blamed it on a blackout, or said he didn't remember.

Ladeska is right. We do tend to wait too long before we do something. But I do want you to know that I understand. It took me meeting Cyn over the computer in a sexual abuse group before I left.She offered to come and rescue me. I turned her down in fear of being a burden. Finally the abuse got so bad that I finally told her yes; that I would come. I was scared and excited at the same time. She drove from Florida, 11 hours, to pick me up from Alabama. Since then, 10 months ago, my life has drastically changed.I no longer walk on egg shells. It's such a nice feeling.

We will be here for you Pam; whatever you need. Have you ever gone to a therapist? They can also help you. That would be a good idea, even if he doesn't know. I hope that you continue to feel safe enough here to share your story.

Do you journal? That really helps relieve tension, and can help you process your thoughts better sometimes. Mine always turn into songs. You could even write a book. Pain seems to bring out things in us we hever knew we had; like artistic and creative abilities, because we are always trying to find serenity; and in order to be able to accomplish this in the middle of abuse, we have to search diligently for the therapeutic defense and safetly mechanisms.

Sorry for writing so much, I am just so very concerned; for my mother is still in the abuse, but can't or won't see it. She actually can't pick up on why we feel the way we do about him.

That's what's so sad to me. She is a Sunday school teacher, and he was in the choir , yet we all have been living lies.

Please shaere anytime.

Dee :).. God bless you

October 31, 2001
5:05 pm
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Ladeska
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Pam....please don't feel like I'm beating you up...not at all...you have no idea..."how much I understand". It is for that reason that I push because I know how paralyzed you can get. I understand all that. We get so used to it that we don't feel the fire like we need to anymore. So, if you feel me shaking you....I'M SHAKING YOU! (smile)

Emergency situation call for - "shaking" sometimes. I used to live with my father using me for target practice all the time, bullets whizzed beside my head and all around me whenever he felt like it. I was rather used to it, along with alot of other abuse I endured... So, yes, I do understand. But, no deer in the headlights here - okay? Wake up and make tracks. Do whatever you have to do to - acknowledge the Real Danger you are in - and take action - right now, today, not tommorrow.

I know quite a bit about psychopathic, narcissistic personalities and how they operate and the longer you dance with them and the fear, the weaker you get. So, it's not going to get "any better" by staying.... Jump ship and take that baby and yourself to safety and stay there. You know....there are safehouses for people like you...are you aware of that?

October 31, 2001
5:24 pm
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Ladeska
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Safe Place - Olympia, WA:
(360) 754-6300

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

RAINN hotline (1-800-656-HOPE)

November 1, 2001
12:00 am
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jadadavinci
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Hi Pam,

Ladeska is right again Pam. The longer you are in the abuse the more desensitized you become. We end up losing ourselves in the process. You seem much smarter than that. We just hope and pray that you are out sooner than later. Keep your faith. It will pull you through. And please remember that you have friends who really care for you here. We are all helping each other. We are on your side.

Take care of yourself. Everyday we get stronger and stronger.

Dee & Cyn šŸ™‚ God is with you.

November 1, 2001
8:52 am
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scherza
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Listen to these women!!! You are FAR MORE fabulous than you EVER imagined...and you won't be able to see this until you can get out on your own. You are a prize package...you really ARE! There is magic inside of you and this situation is dimming your light. I don't know you...but I am willing to bet my life on it that you ARE very special! You deserve so much better!! It will be hard at first, but it will get easier with time and you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER in the end.

I say this to you in memory of my younger sister, Kathy W., who died while enduring a domestic violence situation....

November 1, 2001
11:00 am
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pam g fu
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thanks to all of your for your support and input. I am very opened minded and never get my feelings hurt when i know that it is something that i need to hear. So Lasdeska, feel free and don't worry about being too pushy, i need that. one day at a time.

November 1, 2001
11:25 am
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Ladeska
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Pam......so, what is keeping you from walking?

November 1, 2001
12:44 pm
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pam g fu
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Ladeska:

I am waiting for the right time, i know it sounds like i am prolonging it but he is very violent and has a very bad temper i want to leave when he has left for his job in kentucky. that way i can take my time on finding somewhere else to live and not have to take just anything. if that job doesn't pan out i will eventually make my way out of it. it is so funny i would never have put up with this in my younger years,makes you wonder why now.

November 1, 2001
5:59 pm
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You've been desensitized and your radar is all smashed up - as is your self-esteem. That's why. I understand the wait and although I say this and that - I do know that timing "sometimes" is necessary. However....that is a very thin line that you're walking here...I know you know that, but keep your ears up as much as possible.

What state do you live in, btw?

November 2, 2001
1:32 pm
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pam g fu
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Ladeska:

Texas. Yes I know what you are telling me is right. I have to get the ball moving. One day at a time.

November 2, 2001
2:54 pm
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You'll get there. Just wondering about your locale and what you're up against. Have tried before to find good help for people in your situation - in Texas and unfortunately - it's the south and is very hard to find really good help and support for women. I love many things about the south, but when it comes to what's up with how men treat women and how society looks the other way there - just doesn't make me much of a fan.

November 2, 2001
3:05 pm
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pam g fu
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Ladeska:

You are so right about support groups for women in abusive relationships the only thing we really have here is alanon for those who have members who are alcohlics or drug users which is what my spouse has a problem with and i do get alot of insight in this regard but the rest is left up to me, no financial aid or anything. So this is why i have to plan my departure out.

November 2, 2001
4:12 pm
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It sucks, doesn't it? And I have gone the Christian route, too, bringing these women into churches - where they really did want spiritual guidance as well as real practical help/guidance. And, as the case has always been - I'm on my own. We don't want to "really" get our hands dirty or get involved... OR, you get the thing of - just hang in there, you shouldn't be leaving your husband unless you catch him in the act of adultery and even then - maybe you should stay and pray for him, etc, etc.

Bullshit. That attitude just fries my butt and I've told quite a few people that in my time. Give me a freaking break? Yeah, well, the town's most outstanding Sunday School teacher lived right next door to me all those years that I walked around with bruises, had all the classic symptoms loud and very clear of abuse and so did my stepmom - who she saw every week when she came into my stepmom's beauty shop and got her hair done. The shop was in our house, so it wasn't like she didn't hear him yelling at her in the house from time to time and not like she didn't see the bruises on both of us. He was pretty much really out with it because - he knew no one would do anything. Yes, I'm very familiar with the South and it's attitude about all this. Isn't just the south though...

People are basically cowards at heart. Have learned the hard way that I tried to look at things all wrong after I got out of my abuse growing up. I thought - people just couldn't really be that bad. That what I grew up in was so horrible and ordinary people - just were so much better than all that. Wrong. They aren't. I found out over the years that - I would have better off to have taken the lessons I learned early on about human behavior and kept them all in tact - understanding that - this is basically - what man is. And the people who rise above it - are few and far between. That it would be in my best interests to trust no one - unless they earned it and to have my radar scanning on high alert - all the time. This....is wisdom. But, I was sooo tired of being that kind of little soldier. Just wanted to believe differently. Well, unfortunately - you can't do that.

What you can do is to protect your sanctuary - who you associate with and your own home, protect what you get involved in and keep yourself aware.... Otherwise, you will most definitely be dinner for someone, somewhere. So, these days - I remember what I learned early on. I don't forget and if someone surprises me by being different from the norm - then I'm surprised and delighted. Otherwise - I say to myself - earn your right whoever you are - to be called friend and you will go through the necessary hoops to become that.

Probably sounds brutal, but life is brutal - when you don't do this. Then when you find those treasures in life, those people who are worth their salt, of good character, with integrity and honor - then you really, really cherish them - as you should.

November 5, 2001
7:45 am
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Subj: it took 13 yrs and a gun to leave

hello, i've found that venting helps so here it goes,on oct 6th 2001,my husband tried to kill me and then himself, he came home drunk first put a knife to my throat told me he would kill me,stuck it in the wall next to my head,hit me many times,held me by the neck and put a ciggerette out on my chest, the whole time he was telling me i was making him do this to me, then he got a riffle from the gun cabinet i fought with him over it and he let go and said he didnt want to use that one anyway, he then got a 32 caliber pistol pointed it at my head and said he would kill me,i cried i prayed i begged,he shot thru a door, my children were in the next room hearing all this happening i would yell to them to get outta the house and call 911 but he would yell to them mommys ok we are just talking and tell them to watch tv, finally he changed his mind and said he would kill himself and he forced me to watch him, he said he wanted me to see what i made him do,he put it to his neck and yelled i love you and pulled the trigger,i called 911,my children 12/10 yrs old ran in screaming saw him there,he was telling them i love you with blood coming out of his mouth nose and neck, i think he realized what he did to them by the look on his face, he then pulled himself up and ran out of the house into the yard it was 9 pm and very dark and i couldnt find him till the rescuers got there with flashlights, he was hiding under a truck, it took 4 men to pull him out, he keep saying just put me back under the truck and let me die!!!we were devistated!!!the children and i have nightmares and cry all the time,he is alive he lost 75% of his jaw, part of his tounge and has holes in his neck and nose,he was lucky very lucky,i want to hate him but i love him,at times i wish he had succeeded,then i feel guilty for thinking it,he says he doesnt remember any of this and we cant forget it,after his surgery and i knew he would live i got the kids and left the state to a safe place,he knows what state and he knows the phone number, he calls alot telling us how sorry he is and crys alot,his family tried to keep me from leaving telling me he would do it again and it would be my fault cause i left.this happened in arkansas and i told them everything and the sherriffs report says attempted suicide,no charges were put against him for what he did to me, its been a month and they still havent served him with the restraining order dispite all the calls i have made to them, its like it dont matter? i've tried to get couseling for myself and the kids, but the day i left i quit my job and my ins ended as soon as i did,i signed the kids up for medicaid but they say it will be atleast 30 days for that,i'm not elidgable for medicaid because i got 1 paycheck last month,there is free couseling 2 hrs away once a week, because i quit my job they are still not sure if i am elidgable for unemployment. its like the whole system is trying to make me suffer and have to go back to him.thanks for letting me vent. laura in texas

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