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can not go on any longer
July 22, 2005
12:58 am
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forever and a day
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This is to all out there who know what it is like to loose a spouse or a partner.

I need help and fast!!! Not only did I loose my best friend and husband of 16 years I also am loosing my home, my 2 daughters are now living elsewhere and pretty much turned there back on me also. They are 18 and 16 and are not doing well with the death of their father. I lost 3 thousand dollars a month of our income and I am sure I dont need to go into detail of what that has done. my father in law who promised my husband that he would continue to help us has not only blamed me for the death of his son but left me on my own and evicted from the home we have lived in for 10 years. He is blaming me for his daughters not wanting to talk to him because he is an @#@#$ but can not control me and is irate about that also. I have no money no support and no where to turn. I do not have a single reason left to justify why I should continue to live in this misery. Please someone care enough to help I am giving up very fast. I truely feel as if the end is soon here. I dont want this to happen but dont know what else to do.. I am not a weak person either and have a strong spiritual belief and yet I am at the end. some one has to know what this is like. I need help

July 22, 2005
1:05 am
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cpt1212
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I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say you came to the right place and hang on. Don't give, don't give up. Soon the sun will rise and your problems may not have disappeared, but you survived another day. Don't let someone else's bitterness beat you down. Hold on and don't let them win. I don't know how and I don't know when, but it will get better.

July 22, 2005
1:06 am
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Randomwomen2
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I dont know what it is like. I can only imagine. I am so sorry for the loss. Just please hang in there sweetie. More people will read this probbly in the morning cause its realy late other places. I realy dont know what to say hunny just please hang in there

July 22, 2005
1:08 am
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Just Lost
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forever...are you still there?

July 22, 2005
1:55 am
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forever and a day
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I am barely able to hang on and am trying to find a real good reason to do so and so far the ONLY reason is that I want to be with my husband some day and i believe that I will not be able to if I do something stupid. I miss him so mucb and I know for a fact that this would never be happening to me if he were here. It just seems like everyone is comming at me from all different directions including the ones I trusted the most and that is the most tragic for me now because there IS no one to trust.

July 22, 2005
2:41 am
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are you thinking about hurting yourself? if so, how and when?

July 22, 2005
2:55 am
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i'll be here til 3:30.......are you there?

July 22, 2005
3:00 am
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willitgetbetter
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Stay here sweetheart. I can't pretend to understand what you are going through because I can't even imagine the torture and the pain.

You are clearly going through a very tough time and perhaps that is an understatement. Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend, someone from the church, your doctor, a counsellor? You really need to talk to someone to help you through this. Failing any of the above, there is always someone here who, although not being physically able to be with you to offer comfort, will be able to communicate with you.

You may be going through the grieving process and should let that happen. For some it takes a short while, for others it takes a lot longer but it is a process.

I would suggest you read about this to help you understand what you are going through. Just remember, this is not your fault, it is nobody's fault but for your sake, you need to understand what is happening.

Please take one day at a time, with each sunrise, you are one stage further along the healing process. it may not seem it at the time but, and I hate to say this, time really is a great healer.

Would it help by writing down your problems, listing them? You could then see what ones you can actually deal with, (ie the practicalities , home, finances etc), and the ones that may take a bit longer, (ie the emotional ones). If you can tick something off that list each day, no matter how minor, it will show you that you are capable. It will still leave emotional matters that you will have to deal with but at least the practicalities will be out of the way to allow you to grieve.

I am not sure this has been any help to you but i'm sure others here will be able to also offer support. Please stay here my friend, you will find some help, support and comfort, I guarantee that.

My thoughts are with you.

July 22, 2005
3:08 am
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forever and a day
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I am only sure of one thing and that is that I will wake up in the morning with that same enormous pain stabbing me in the heart and asking myself why am I doing this and what do I ever expect to gain from this much agony. It is only going to get mucn worse before it can get any better and I dont know if I can
endure much more, I dont even know how I made it this far. I need to get out of this mess and dont know any other way.

I have gone to our church and to other places I even went to the chapllin in our town and he was more concerned about turning in the company I work for for working me too many hours and driving during unsafe conditions that he didnt even address the reason why I called him in the first place. Now lets talk about feeling dismissed. what do you do then? when even the chaplin shines you on?

July 22, 2005
7:55 am
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Forever and a day:

I know where you are. Please stay and listen.

I feel I have been where you are. It is a dark place. It is a sad place. It is like you are thinking of every way of offing yourself: the less painful, the less mutilating coz of relatives (mom & dad in my case), the quickest, whether God will forgive you or you will just go to hell. Is this it? I was not there because of the same reasons as you, in fact the opposite. I was there coz I wanted away from the husband and the abuse. But I think no matter what the reason the end can be the same.

For me that was 20 years ago. I didn't choose to stay. God decided I would stay. All of a sudden I was pregnant and I couldn't do that to a baby.... so I stayed and endured 8 more years w/ the evil ex.

I know there is no miracle to keep you here. But I want to tell you what I learned. Or what I see as I look back. At that time there was nothin for me; not even the love of my family mattered anymore. I just couldn't endure any more from him.

What I can tell you 20 years later is that I can still look back and ahve tears and feel that pain if I allow myself to feel it. But the biggest thing, honey, is that you have no clue what God has waiting for you around the bend. I endured 8 more years of abuse. How much more can you endure to receive your rewards from God? I know at this time there doesn't seem to be any rewards waiting, but I promise you that if you persevere there are rewards. Twenty years later I have a wonderful husband of 13 years (not an evil x type at all). I have 3 beautiful kids. I have a joy in my heart that only those w/ the connection w/ God can feel. I have a tiny bit of suspicion that you also know that joy, you have just forgotten what it feels like. You have let the bad overcome the good. It is so easy for that to happen.

Forever and a day. Why did you pick that name? Is there possibly a little spark of hope down deep inside? I can see it. I know things look so very bad. I know, I know the pain in your heart coz even tho the circumstances are a bit different the end results are the same. Do me a favor for you. Choose to hang on just a little longer. Choose to give life a chance.

You said you have lost your daughters. Can you say why? I would almost bet, without knowing the circumstances, that they are waiting for you to stand up and be the strong mom they need.

As for your pastor.... Go find another one. Go talk to another pastor and if he doesn't get it then to another and then to another. I am saddened to say that some folks, even pastors, don't have their priorities where they should be. He didn't hear your pain.. I am sorry for that. But don't give up yet.

Come back and lets talk. I'll be in and out most of the day. I would like to at least offer you my hand to help pull you out of the darkness. What you need is support and counsel. You will get that here and lots of it. Come back and post please. Take that first step and then we'll move on to helping you to help yourself back into the light where you belong. Back where you truly do long to be or you'd have not written.

You are cared about here.

Let's talk more.

July 22, 2005
12:37 pm
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forever and a day
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THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST. IT FEELS BETTER TO WAKW UP AND NOTICE THAT SOMEONE DOES CARE. IT SADDENS ME TO REALIZE THAT STRANAGERS CARE MORE THAN FAMILY OR OTHERS I AM FAMILIAR WITH BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT I WOKE UP THIS MORNING. I WOKE UP FEELING AS IF I WERE NOT ALONE. THAT IN ITS SELF IS A MIRACLE AND JUST FOR TODAY I THINK IT IS ENOUGH TO CARRY ME THROUGH.

I HAVE A MEETING TO GO TO THIS MORNING WITH MY DAUGHTER TO DISCUSS HER LIVING WITH OF HER FRIENDS. I DONT LIKE THIS WOMAN BUT ITS WHERE SHE WANTS TO BE. I KNOW ITS BECAUSE SBE CAN HAVE HER HORSE FINALLY AND BE WITH OTHER ANIMALS AND I CANT COMPETE WITH THAT. PRETTY MUCH THATS WHAT IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO. IF I WERE HER I DONT THINK I WOULD WANT TO HANG AROUND HERE EITHER.

THANKS AGAIN FOR HELPING ME HAVE AT LEAST ANOTHER DAY.

July 22, 2005
12:46 pm
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Forever:

Very glad to see you back again today. One day at a time is the best way to go at the moment.

If we could be so nosey, could you elaborate a bit on your circumstances so we could understand more? If you don't wish to share then we all understand. It's just the more info we have the more we can help.

Ya know, it is somethin to feel others care more about you than your own family. I've felt that. But that is what you have so let's fly with it. For now we are folks on a screen; later we may be close friends or family. I know this place has been a definite help in my life.

I am glad to see you back.

July 22, 2005
1:01 pm
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willitgetbetter
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I too am so glad you are still here and oh so relieved. Yes it is another day. Please don't expect too much from yourself at the moment. As mamacinnamon says, one day at a time is the best way to go at the moment. I'll promise you one thing, you will never be alone here. Please let us know how you are doing my friend.

July 22, 2005
1:25 pm
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I am so sorry you are hurting. On top of loosing your husband it sounds you have lost your daughters. The more you get the feelings and story outside of yourself the better you will feel. I think it would be helpful for you to tell us how your husband died and why your daughters have turned their backs on you. Support is very important. You can get that here but I also think that a grief support group could be very helpful to you in dealing with the death of your husband. Most hospices host grief support groups. I attended one when my mother died and it was extremely helpful to be around other people who understood how I feel and to share my feelings. Things will get better and you will heal from this loss. Don't give up. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Write as much as you need to here. The more the better.

love,kathy

July 22, 2005
2:48 pm
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Forever, DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE UP!!! We all know what it feels like to be hurt by those who are supposed to love us the most. I encourage you, as the others have, to find a local support group, pastor, somebody that understands your pain, and get some HELP! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! It just feels that way right now.

You have already taken a step in the right direction by finding this message board and having the courage to post for help! Please take another and reach out to someone in your community that can be a source of comfort and help to you! It may look bleak now, sweetie, but you are ONE STEP closer to help! Remember, weeping may endure for a night, but JOY, sweet JOY, will come in the morning!!! Love to you!

July 22, 2005
3:02 pm
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Oh, and MamaC, I read your post with tears streaming down my face. You rawk!!!

July 22, 2005
4:57 pm
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Believe it or not, I have always been a very strong person. It has been more difficult this past 5 months then ever before in my life. I have been through life with an abusive mother, foster homes, being sexually abused by a boyfriend of my mothers(and still to this day cant talk about it) the murder of my sister, a 8 year abusive relationship with my ex husband who turned into a drug addict maniac. The list goes on and on. But this is more than I can take.

I called the Chaplin in our local area and asked for help and just as my luck would go. He was more worried about me calling the DA and reporting my boss for illeagally working me as many hours as he has. He didnt even go into the reason why I called in the first place. We never even got around to discussing it. I really felt dismissed after that. How would you feel if you went to as for help and it was your final cry out and you were turned away that way. I feel abandonded enough and feel very much like there is no reason what so ever why I need to be a burdon on this world anylonger.

In the past 5 months I have lost my husband both daughters my father in law turned on me and my entire income disolved. Nothing left and no where to turn. I can always check myself into a hospital sure but then what happens no more job no more home no more car no more of everything. The outcome is worse than the cause, so what now. I just have no where to turn and want so desperately to be back in the arms of the one person that I know loved me unconditionally and would protect me and keep me out of these peoples harms way. He gave me the life I had and was the reason I was still alive in the first place. He is the only person who would never turn on me and leave me to deal with this alone. But then again.. Isnt that what he did?? He did leave me here alone to deal with all of this..

They say that we write our own charts and that there is a reason for all that we endure. I have no faith or belief in that at this moment and only wish that just once that someone can show me what good reason why I should continue to go through this horrible ordeal I am going through. If I only knew then maybe I might have some spark of hope that maybe I might have some reason to hang on and fight my way through this. There is no hope right now and as I see it there is no reason why anyone should be dumb enough to ask for much more torture than this. It honestly doesnt get much worse than this but it keeps prooving me wrong each and every day when more and more keeps building on to what is already more than I can take.

The sad part is that I know I am a good person and deserve much much more than this and am having a difficult time figuring out what is the purpose for this to happen to me. I do not deserve this and am very confused as to why this is so. I am at the end of the rope and honestly I am beginning to believe that maybe ending my own life may be just what is my own destiny. Why else would I have to endure all of this. Nothing else makes since.. I have some of Matts pills left and called poison control and know that I have what I need to do the job..I just dont know about what happens after that. I dont want to come back here and only want to be with Matt. Honestly I am not worried about what it would do to my children because I know that honestly they really do not care. I am not just saying this because I happen to know that this is a true fact. I just want to be free from all the garbabe here and dont want to do this over again. One way or another I know the end is near either by my doing or some other cause but this is killing me in its truest way.

July 22, 2005
6:06 pm
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Forever and a day:

Hi, it's me. I have read what you have said over and over. I am not speechless tho. I empathize. I mourn for your hurt. But what I want to do is show you why you need to stick around. I want to show you that there are happy endings. That those that mistreat you will get theirs in the end. (not to be vindictive).

I don't want to say the same ol cliche' type words, but some do need to be said. I truly believe with all my heart that we are here for a purpose. Every life has a purpose and for every purpose there is a life. You have heard of the ripple effect... as in when you throw a rock into the water and the circles grow larger and larger. Every ting you do affects someone else, and what they do affects another, and on and on and on. So, if you sat down and thought long and hard. Who would you be hurting if you did end your life? Go past the father in law; go past your daughters. There are folks you have never met that will benefit from something you do while you are living.

You see you have two choices here. You can take your pain and let it devour you; or you can take your pain and use it to help others. You can take the things you have lived thru, and it does seem you have had more than your share of hurt, and you can reach out your hand to someone who will be in the same boat you are in now. Make sense? I do hope so.

At this point I want to show you what I mean about the ripples, the reason why you should stay and turn all this energy of wanting to end things into the energy it takes to reach your hand out to someone else in need, in the position you are in now. I'll tell you under another post coz this one is getting long.

July 22, 2005
7:20 pm
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Forever:

I know your pain is deep. I reread my last post and I don't want you to think I minimize your pain coz that is the last thing on my mind. Your pain is real, it hurts, it bites, it tears you apart and eats you up. I know that pain too. But I want to share w/ you just how important your life is. Life is so very precious. Life is so very hard. It is an every day decision to get up and move on. It's an every day decision to make something of yourself, to be the best you can be.

What do you suppose your hubby would have said to you if he were here to see where you are and what you are contemplating. I feel the best way to honor someone that has gone on before you is to make and be the best you can possibly be. My dad used to tell us all, "if you think you have it bad, you can always look around and see someone who has it worse; so snap out of it and go do something for them". That's my dad.

Life is precious, Life is a gift. Please reconsider keeping the gift given to you.

Come on back and talk more if you'd like.

July 22, 2005
11:54 pm
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I am still here but barely. I have nad even more bad news today and even more chaos. I am taking a few minute break from work but in minutes I will be out the door once again. I will soon be back though.. I am trying VERY HARD to make it through these past few days and find meaning to answers like why should I stay. None have come so far only reasons why I am no longer needed or wanted here. I feel as if it were my destiny to leave this way and find no real reason other wise. i am praying for help and praying very hard.. Just one more day that what i keep telling my self every day when I wake up with a pain so deep that it is almost enough to kill me alone. please help me i have no where else to turn to . and I do take what you are saying to heart believe me. I really do.. thanks to all who cared enough to respond

July 23, 2005
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Forever:

Have you or are you seeing a counselor? I do feel at this point it is very much needed. I don't know the bad news you received today but I want to tell you that you have a God that loves you. The harder you try to climb up the harder darkness is gonna pull. Honey, keep pullin. You can overcome this. One darkness looses it's grip on you it will be all uphill then. Put both hands up and reach for your God. I know you pray; I am praying for you also as are many others here. You must want to overcome. You must want to climb out. You must STOP thinking of ending it. When the thoughts come find something to distract yourself. Throw yourself into something you like doing.... reading the good book, jogging, beating your pillow...whatever it will take to allow you to channel the anger out. Beat that pillow till it breaks; until you just cannot beat it anymore and all you can do is cry and then sleep. we are here for you honey.

July 23, 2005
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forever,

I am praying for you also, sweetie. Your presence is wanted here. Please stay!

July 23, 2005
12:26 am
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forever-i feel so bad about what you are going through. please don't give up. i also am praying for you. have you been to the md.? maybe you need antidepressants for a while. (or maybe something for your nerves) see if there is a support group in your area for widowed spouses.
love and prayers
lost and found

July 23, 2005
12:38 am
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Forever:

Earlier I said: "At this point I want to show you what I mean about the ripples, the reason why you should stay and turn all this energy of wanting to end things into the energy it takes to reach your hand out to someone else in need, in the position you are in now. I'll tell you under another post coz this one is getting long."

I had to wait and get the permission of this person I am goin to tell you about. I want to show you someone that possibly "maybe" "maybe not" has it worse. Remember, look around and you'll find someone that that has it worse than you. This little girl has shown so many of us here how to persevere under the most awful of circumstances. This little girl has shown many of us here what the purpose of life is, why we must pull ourselves up, reach out and grab onto whatever or whomever to overcome. I'm just gonna hit the basics for now. We can talk more in depth later, or maybe you'd want to talk directly to her. They say to become as a little child. If we could all learn from this little child.

Again, I do not know exactly what your circumstances are, just that they are beyond the pain you can endure. And I want to say that your pain is just as important, as hurtful as any of our pain. So, with that said....

I want you to meet Jigsaw. She came to us one night because someone had given her this site. Said their relative comes here. (Thank you to whomever you are) Jigsaw is 10 years old. She was being molested by grampa. She told mom, mom said ignore it that's just how grampa is when he is tired. She did tell a friend's mom. The proper folks came in and now this little girl should have had the protection she needed. Not so, mom let him around her again so mom was taken away to drug rehab. Gramma is now watching over her and gramma lets him around her and it happens again. Now he finally gets taken away. So this child has lost her mom now and the gramma watching over her is mean and hateful to her. In all of this I have never seen a child so determined to overcome. Oh, and this child took the steps necessary to protect herself. She told. But, it gets worse. After the last time, there are complications and because of them they find she has leukemia. She's had her first round of kemo and now cannot take the second round coz she keeps getting infections. And during all this time she still has mean ol gramma to deal with. She has to learn to cook for herself as sick as she is coz gramma will not help.

I don't tell you this to break your heart; I tell you this to show you that if this child can persevere that you can also. That if this child can endure then you can too. That if this child has such a will to live and to use her life to help others, then maybe you can too. For every life there is a purpose and there is most definitely a purpose to every life. Forever... what is your purpose? Do you not believe in your heart that your hubby would be so proud of you if you would stand up, grab the hands that want to pull you out; persevere. Do it for his memory; in honor of him.

Your life, as every life, is of most importance. You have folks you don't even know yet that your life will have an impact on... no matter what your decision is, you will have an impact on others. I want to put the ball in your court now honey. You sit back and think, please, think, beat that pillow, cry, sleep. Throw those pills down the toilet now.

One last thing. I want to share just the chorus of a song with you. It's a new song call "HELD" by Natalie Grant. Read these words honey over and over. Get their meaning. Life is not fair; it never has been. It's what you choose to do with your life that counts. Here is that chorus.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, And you survive. This is what it is to be loved and know, That the promise was when everything fell, We’d be held.

July 23, 2005
1:55 am
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even in the darkness, there is some light. It may be very dim right now but in time it will become brighter. Sometimes these burdens are allowed to rest on us to strengthen us. At the time, we don't see it that way. We need to find a way to get out....on our own but with the help of others and maybe even God. Try, even though it may seem impossible, to look at other avenues. Finding a church on Saturday could be a good start. I found one that had a service last Saturday night and it was the only thing that kept my head above the water. Although it only temporarily stopped my pain, it has been a start. I joined a support group this week and started activities at the church. Being around others who have similar problems as me has helped a lot. I know you don't feel like you can even move right now. But you need to try. Make just a little effort to find that support. It can help a lot. Only time, and God, can help you with the rest. But you do have strength. Even in your weakest moments. Come here often and seek comfort. Also, if you have someone you can call, do that as well. If there is no one else, call a crisis line. Been there also. There is no quick answer. It is going to take time. My situation is totally different than yours but I still hurt also.....even now. Know that everyone here has dealt with issues or are currently dealing with them. We all have the same goal: to reclaim our lives as our own. I know that I am far from that but I have faith that I can do it. And I know that this is a time I have to go through to get there. Join us as we walk through the fire together.

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