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can i share??
September 16, 2009
6:24 am
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darkeyes
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when i got caught up in this world of codependence, i never realized i started to hide the real me, and that began when i was child,so how could i..in last few days im starting to emerge slowly, and im waking up! i realize, im the kindness, caring, loving human being....in all the pain and suffering i had, i never wished it on anyone else, and tried to protect all around me, even when i got totally abused....i questioned if i knew what love is and yes i do, coz to love someone you could never hurt them..... was chating with other guy again by text, he/she was in a situation, helped him out in a healthy way, but still when we met last night, reconized me but from a distance...got chating again when got home, and it finally sunk in,, i asked him question about hes life, he answered me honestly, i said something about my life he answered me honestly again, told me, "its my life, my choice was going to sleep night"... said it all in these few words didnt he...i always hoped he/she cared a little but never has....see now i believe wholehearted, if you cant love yourself no one ever will.. thats my lesson. the love you experience isnt coming from the outside of youself its coming from within.....your feelings are yours, no one can make you feel them but youself...look what we do to ourself in the name of love when it isnt love at all, cos when you seek it from the outside its not real..and to keep allowing that to happen to myself im disconecting from who i really am...now my life can become mine again..... hugs and love to all.........darkeyes

September 16, 2009
9:09 am
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mamacinnamon
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darkeyes:

Thank you for posting this. I am staying w/ a friend in another state to work on not only my health but my mental, emotional and spiritual self also. I wanted to say to you that you have it down. It has taken me three weeks and a lot of talking by her and her husband but I am finally learning just what you are talking about.

Thanks for posting this and have a great day. šŸ™‚

September 16, 2009
9:52 am
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darkeyes
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mamacinnamon thank you..it has taken me along time to see this, i believe the mind protects us,from pain and suffering, the mind helps by not been realistic so that we surive..we only start to see reality when those walls start coming down, and the mind knows its safe and can deal with pain. as a child how can the mind body and spirit deal with awful pain..the feelings of love no one can give, that feeling comes from within, somebody might bring them to the surface from time to time but there still within, follow me?.. when you begin to see this then everything falls into place... darkeyes

September 16, 2009
10:59 am
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mamacinnamon
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Yes, I do see your point. and yes, it does all fall into place. I have been blessed w/ someone working w/ me the last 3 years and now my friend I am staying w/. It was hard to see the part I actually played in all this.

This weekend I will see my hubby and daughter for the first time in 3 weeks. I am a bit anxious about it I just admit. See, my hubby thinks that if I get myself fixed things will be all better. I think eventually he's gonna have to open his own eyes himself. sad but true.

I have learned and also have had to face that even tho I had nowhere to go I still made the choice to stay in the first marriage and the second. It is amazing what fear can cause a person to put up w/. But, now that my eyes are opening I can see I did have options even if they were not options that were good. Now the first marriage is a bit different coz I know had I tried to leave I would have been dead, but this second time, I fooled myself into believing it was "not that bad" coz it was not physical and as horrible as the first time around. What saddens me is that I did teach my kids better, but I showed them the opposite. That is something I need to work on in forgiving me and teaching them better now.

September 16, 2009
11:23 am
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darkeyes
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mamacinnamon, why does your hubby feel al will be ok if you get fixed. had he no role to play in this..life situations helps shape who we are, not putting any responsibilty on him, cos we always have choices is really putting ourselfs down. in a marraige all things should be equal, but with codependancy it cant ever be cos we dont know we have choices, we go to great lenghts to keep everything "normal" hindsight is wonderfull...its never to late to make amends and to do things differently with your children, you can only try with love and more understanding of yourself....good for you you loveing youself remember you are the best and only deserve the best.....dark

September 17, 2009
1:08 am
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mamacinnamon
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thank you darkeyes. ya know, he and I talked last night and he seems to be changing his tune a bit. He now says that since I am getting better we can go for walks, he'll help me w/ my health, we can cuddle and we can go back to counseling together. Why could he not do that before when I needed him too? Why did I have to leave home for him to decide to change his tune? Idk, but I'm putting my eggs in the basket as of yet. We'll see how it goes when I see him Sunday. Will be the first time in 3 weeks. I'm so excited to see my daughter, but really wish I were seein him alone so we could talk more. But we will make due of our time w/ what time we have. I just want to be able to read him and him be honest.

I have a very long way to go to love myself. It is all a totally new concept to me and one I have never in my life been taught. It is hard to be ok w/ myself, but I am working on it. Are we not our own worse critics?

Thanks for the kind words. They are nice and mean lots. Gave me a smile tonight. šŸ™‚

September 17, 2009
5:33 am
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darkeyes
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mama c, youve started the journey in loving yourself, one step at a time. its hard to change something that was our way of life even when its destrutive to us,, dont put al your eggs in one basket cos that i think is how we got to how we were, nice to share, so why not share the kindness, caring, most lovable person we are with others who would value us more..yes we are our worst critics, but now that we know better we can change that view, day by day..smile and the world smiles back cry and you cry alone.. have a wonderfull day, god bless darkeyes

September 17, 2009
7:07 am
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mamacinnamon
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Thanks šŸ™‚

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