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can I save my Marriage
January 15, 2003
10:54 am
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Anonymous
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well here goes. in aug of 2002 I accused my husband of doing something terrible. it happened to me when I was a little girl and I dont want it to happen to my little girl's,I am scared of any man doing anything to my children now because of what happened to me,and I thought that he did and was protecting my children, it all went down so quick when I told my mother then my aunt. my aunt called the sheriff's dept and I didnt really know what going on most of the day cause I was just so panicked and stressed. then after a few week's when my head was clearer I realized that he wasnt doing anything but just covering her up so she wouldnt be cold. I told him that i was sorry for accusing him of that but he says if I loved him I would never accuse him of doing anything of the sort, especially to one of his daughter's. He went through alot, even considered suicide, after we left. I just thought i was saving my children. we were having a few problem's before this happened that could have been changed easily but this can't be but when all this did happen I realized how much I do really love him but he is still confused and won't go to marriage couseling with me cause he thinks our marriage can't be saved. I think it can be. at the very begining I thought it was the best answer to our solution, but after the few week's i didnt want the divorce. the paper's have been signed, but I dont want it and he does. I love my family alot and dont want it broken up.I just wish was some way i could go back to that day and stop everything that happened, but i can't.I told him we can go to counseling seperatly, after the divorce, and he agreed.but,I am really considering,at the court hearing,telling the judge,that I think this marriage can be saved and want marriage counseling. I dont know which to do. I have told him he can home but he says he cant because he would just be here for the girl's and not me, cause he still has resentment for what I did to him. i told him that we can go to counseling and we can work this out. people go through this and find a way to save they're marriage.

January 15, 2003
11:10 am
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Hugs to You.

It is awful being abused as a child.
I definitely never wanted my children to be abused by anyone. We develop a sixth sense. I am sorry that you misinterrupted your husband's action because of your own abuse. I believe a loving husband would try to understand you're over-reaction especially since he must know your history and that you are only trying to keep your children safe.

What a expensive lesson to learn.
I would rather error on cautiousness then be in denial...if that offers you any comfort.

As far as saving your marriage...it couldn't hurt to express to the judge that you want to earnestly try to resolve his resentments toward you. If anything, a few months might be gained to help put things in better perspective for the both of you no matter what the future outcome.

I am routing for you. I think healing those wounds from your childhood would help no matter how this relationship continues or dissolves.

January 15, 2003
11:33 am
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Stark,

The affects of child abuse just never end do they? Did you ever get counseling for you?

I think maybe your heart was in the right place when you questioned your husband's behavior, but perhaps you just went about it the wrong way. I think had you gone to HIM and talked about it instead of your mom and aunt, he wouldn't feel so betrayed. You know, it's like not only did you not trust in him with your daughters, you did not trust him enough to just confront him and get his side before it got all blown out of proportion. In his own heart he may know why you had your doubts about him, given your own childhood experiences, but he also may feel unjustly ganged-up on..ya know? I'm sure the embarrasment of having so many people accuse him of such a thing is pretty hard to get over.

You're absolutely sure there was really nothing to his actions? You're absolutely positive? "just covering them up" and possible sexual abuse seem pretty far apart...I'm just hoping that in your attempt to get him back, you arent falling for a line...mj is right, we do develop a sixth sense...

You sound as though you are in such a painful place right now, and I feel for you. Even if you were to tell the judge how you feel, your husband can't be "forced" to forgive you or try again. And he may resent you for trying. My only suggestion is to just let him heal at his own pace, he will have contact with you for a very long time because of your daughters, so if you can re-develop a trust and a relationship with each other, who knows, people do get re-married. Maybe in time he will let you tell him why you did what you did and when his hurt is gone, he will understand. Such a bad situation, I wish you lots of luck. It is eventually his choice to either forgive you and return as husband and dad or stay away for good. It's his choice...don't blame yourself for his choice.

January 15, 2003
11:41 am
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Re-reading your post, a few things came to me...

He said if you loved him you would have never accused him of such a thing. After a while, with some time to settle down and think, I think any rational man would know it doesn't have anything to do with your love for him, or lack of...we are protectors of our children..we see things that do not look right and we question, regardless of the perpetrator. He should expect nothing less in the mother of his children. Children ALWAYS come first in these instances...that's why I think he may be just so offended by the way you handled it.

Also, you mentioned problems before the incident, well, perhaps he's decided that because of those problems, and what happened, it's just not going to work and using this incident is a good way to just end it.

Stark, I would just take it one day at a time, if you really believe in him. Just be yourself and friendly with him and let him heal. If he loves you, he will come around. If not, like I said, you cant force it and it's his choice. Just don't blame yourself.

January 15, 2003
12:01 pm
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Hi again!

I think it was okay to express your feelings to your aunt and mom.
People who you think are safe and supportive.

My niece came to me once....and told me her step-dad was verbally inappropriate. I took action. She went to live with her dad. The abuse stopped. Now as an adult, she chooses to be around him. We need to protect innocent children.

My daughter shared that her father had did something that was uncomfortable to her. I shared this with her father's mother who he was living with at the time. She immediately got into denial. I still stand by my daughter....I told her no matter what his intention....she was uncomfortable and that is her right to her physical boundary. Little children get abused and don't even know it is abuse until they grow up.

I commend you for taking action.

I would much rather you be safe than sorry when it comes to your children.

January 20, 2003
3:56 pm
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thank you so much, you have helped quit a -bit.

janette

January 22, 2003
1:03 am
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I only wish all children had a mom like you, and that your husband could cherish, admire, and be thankful for the momma bear he chose as the mother of his children. I think he's hurt right now, doesn't understand, and wants to run. Maybe validate his feelings, but not excuse your actions. Your powerful mothering instinct puts him second. It's not stoppable, trust me. As a teacher, I wish all children had a mother like you, and a father who was drawn to your character. I wish you the best of luck, and wish I could take away your pain. If it's any consolation, I would have done the same if it were my fiance, and I love him deeply. But that love is not the same as my love for my children. Powerful, but different.

January 22, 2003
11:11 pm
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Hi stark19722001 ~
I agree with what mj said to you. She is so caring and smart with her advise. 🙂 I also agree with free - YOU are a wonderful mother. Some parents don't even belive their children, and even if they do the parent doesn't do anything about the situation. The people I work for right now have custody of their granddaughter who is only 7. She was sexually abused by her mom's boyfriend, and her mother admitted it once, but then spent some time in a mental hospital, and now denies that it ever happened. She is taking the grandparents to court to get custody of the little girl back. Meanwhile Dani has to be re-introduced to the man that molested her, and she's having nightmares on top of it affecting her in a way that a 7 year old shouldn't have to deal with. Her mom told her to stop lying! The woman is heartless to say the least.
Maybe you feel that you didn't go about confronting your husband in the right manner, but you did what you thought you had to do to protect your children. That is very respectable and admirable. Especailly with your past abuse... I'm sure none of it's been easy for you, and I'm sorry for you and your family because nobody should have to go through this at all. I also believe that your husband is probably hurting a lot because of this. Maybe giving him space is best right now. But are you POSITIVE now - deep down - that NOTHING happened?

You are going through a tough time right now, but praise yourself for being a wonderful mom, and a great person because you really are.
Hang in there.

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