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Can I get through codep without divorce?
October 27, 2006
9:47 pm
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no_more_cryin
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I have just discovered in the last two days that the problem I have been trying to identify in my life is codep. I thought it was depression and worked on that but it just didn't fit (isolation.) I thought it was alcohoism but AA meetings just didn't seem to fit or help or make any sense to me at all. I tried AlAnon (husband is an alcoholic) but again, it made no sense either. I was begining to feel different and crazy and completely hopeless. I didn't understand why I still felt so numb.

I am begining to feel relieved that there might be a light at the end of this tunnel. That finally I found out what is wrong and I can really work on fixing it.

I am hoping I don't have to split up my family to do that. I know I am taking big chunks at once here, so to speak, but I am concerned.

I have thought for so long that if I just divorce my husband, everything will be ok. I realize that I need to forget about him for now and "fix" me.

I am anxious to start meetings and start a real recovery.

October 27, 2006
10:59 pm
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Jenni
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Welcome, NMC. It sounds to me as though you did get something out of Al-Anon, by the way you are speaking of fixing yourself. Al-Anon was confusing to me at first, too. But eventually, that is where the light came on in my head, and yes, I felt relief. I learned about choices and that I had them.

But either way I chose to go, I would always be there. Meaning that my problem was within myself, and it would always be with me until I took care of it, and NOT the problems of someone else. That was my awakening.

Have you ever heard that saying,

"Where ever you go, there you are"?

That is where it all lies, within ourselves. If we can dig deep enough within ourselves to figure out what we can or can not live with, then we can go from there. But it has to be based on the reality of the things we can change, and not on what we can't.

Best wishes! I'm glad you're here!

Jen

October 27, 2006
11:50 pm
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no_more_cryin
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Thank you Jen.

I am relieved to finally find out that I can fix the problem that has been plaguing me for years. I've thought that the only solution to our problems with eachother was for him to stop drinking; over which I have no control.

It's like dieting and following all of the rules, but never losing weight! Very frustrating. Finally, I found out that the diet wasn't what I needed after all! I can't wait to start educating myself and going to meetings.

Take care,
Tracey

October 28, 2006
12:02 am
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Jenni
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That is GREAT thinking, Tracey!! Good for you! It is healing and even exciting when we have these revelations, no?

You'll go a long way with this. It's a personal journey which is whatever we make of it.

Good luck and you take care, too. And you are very welcome to join us on the "Island" thread if you wish. We just kind of make it up as we go. It's kind of our way of escaping the real world for a while.

Have a great night!

October 28, 2006
9:12 am
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2angelsinmo
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I too have had the same questions nmc has had. I just needed a break from my marriage to clear some things in our problematic relationship. We both just gave up and it felt more like we were roommates. I've left my house a week ago yesterday. Yeah, I feel bad for leaving and I miss my husband and our home. But I felt like I was going to go crazy another day with him. He had so much control over my thinking and feelings that I couldn't make choices for my best intrest. I let him do that and I take total responsibility for it. But I don't want or need to do that anymore. My codependent ways have let me down alot in my life and it's time for change. I got past one of the biggest hurdles and that was leaving him. Now, I can work on myself and he can work on himself for awhile. I'm letting god take of the rest for us. If we're meant to be, then it will be. Good luck nmc, and keep your head up.

October 28, 2006
12:22 pm
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Jenni
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(((2angel))) Sounds like you're on the road, too! Good for you, Sweetie!

It's never easy to do the things we know we need to. But once we do, it's such a feeling of accomplishment. And it is so healing!

May your journeys in life take you to places you never knew existed! Good luck and best wishes!

October 28, 2006
12:45 pm
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atalose
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no more cryin,

I am glad you are finding piece with knowing you can change your life and it will only work if you are doing it for you.
I would put divorce aside and work on you, gain some isight about yourself and the ways you have been handling things and learn new healthier ways for yourself. It's possible with your changes you can remain in the marriage and be able to cope better with his drinking.
Besides, too many leave bad marriages only to jumpt right into another bad relationship. Until you learn about you and work on you, life is not going to change no matter if you are married or not.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 28, 2006
3:29 pm
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mj
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I read that once you start Coda groups that it is recommended that you don't make any major changes for at least 6 mos to a year. I was constantly moving into my bros to get away from the insanity that existed in my marriage. I haven't left home for over 2 years now. I believe that in Coda we learn to change behaviors that aren't working for us. I have been married 4 different times and so I am still stuck with my behaviors after all these years. Coda is helping me to work on myself and stop blaming others for my misery. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen overnight but I have hope that it can!

October 28, 2006
3:37 pm
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justhinking
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NMC,
I have never been alone in my life upto now. I left my parents house when I got married the first time (21) then I got divorced and met my husband now and now my husband is in jail and I am alone with 2 kids for the past 2 months. Lonely you ask, OMG, But, I keep going and things keep getting done and bills continue to get paid ect.
You find the strenght and the sanity to move on once you know that that's it, you have to keep going, there is no time to stop because I think once you stop, that's when depression hits and drinking and everything else.
So do what you heart and mind tell you!!

October 28, 2006
11:58 pm
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sis_who_got_help
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1. You never truly get through codependance. You learn to set up boundries and how to get through rough times, but it's never truly gone.
2. You can get help and learn to set up those boundries in your marriage and stay married. It's not going to be easy and your spouse may choose to leave. You have to be prepared.
3. I give you lots of support and encouragement. You are worthy of love!
Good luck to you.

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